Now...on to the letter!
Dear Family and Friends,
As we get ready to embark on one of the most exciting events in our lives, we are thinking a lot about the people around us and how much our lives are going to change. Family and friends are so very important to us and we cannot wait for Vera to share in the blessing of a relationship with each one of you. We feel that God has worked through you all to give us love, support, and encouragement during our adoption process. You have prayed, cried, and shared in our excitement; truly you have been Christ to us. We appreciate you more than we can ever express in words.
We’re thrilled about bringing Vera home! We’ve done a lot of reading, research, and asked a lot of other adoptive parents about this process and we feel as prepared as we can be to help Vera become a member of our family and community. There are some things about adoptive parenting that are the same as parenting a biological child. There are also quite a few areas that we have learned are different. Through our adoption agency, training, books, other adoptive parents, and more, we have learned that Vera needs a specific type of environment and parenting when she first comes home in order to feel safe and secure and to learn how to live successfully in our family.
While we know that every child is different, we also understand that there are many possible things that will impact Vera’s beliefs and behavior when she gets home. These include how much nurturing Vera received, if there was abuse or neglect, the amount and quality of the food she received, illnesses, the quality of care and her unique temperament and personality. The result of these variables can include behavioral issues, emotional disorders and a sense of grief and loss from being separated from the only home and caregivers Vera has ever known. Adoption is a traumatic and scary event for a child, whether they are newborn or 10 years old. Vera is being removed from all of her routines and familiar surroundings. If you have children, you can imagine plucking them out of your family and into a totally different home in a different country. Anyone would feel grief and sadness at an event like this. So in order to help Vera feel safe and learn that we are her parents, we will be creating the type of environment that will help promote security for her during this stressful time.
When Vera gets home, at the recommendation of the experienced adoption professionals from whom we have been learning, we need to implement specific parenting approaches to help encourage a strong, attached, emotionally healthy bond. Vera needs to learn that WE are her parents. She needs to feel nurtured and safe. She will not be used to having parents to love and care for her.
Here are some things we will be doing for Vera based on research and experience with other adopted children. We will be living a very quiet life with limited trips out and few visitors in for a little while. Social workers and psychologists tell us that when children are first brought into the adoptive home, they often feel overwhelmed, scared, and nervous. By keeping our lives very boring at first, we will be helping Vera feel safe. This does NOT mean we don't want visitors coming to meet Vera for the first time. We will just have to limit it a little so that it is not overwhelming. Please feel free to call us and ask to come visit! We just want you to understand that if we have to limit visitors it is not because we want you to stay away. On the contrary, we need your support and encouragement during this time!
I know a number of people are planning to meet us at the airport when we arrive home. That will be WONDERFUL and touching for us to see so many familiar and supportive faces when we arrive. We certainly don't want family and friends to stay away from us, but at the same time we can’t pass Vera around to everyone and we will have to be mindful of overloading her with new things and people. We know you will want to hug, kiss, and help spoil Vera, but it is recommended that we be the only ones to do that at first to improve her chances of attaching strongly to us. Until we feel that Vera has attached and clearly knows that we are her parents, we will need to take care of ALL of her needs. We know that it may feel disappointing to some of you because you have shared in our excitement of bringing Vera home.
As strange as it may seem, adopted children who act very outgoing and affectionate with strangers is not a healthy thing. It is called “indiscriminate affection” and can mean that they haven’t really attached to anyone. It would not be a good sign that Vera is attached to us if during her first months home she will let just anyone take her without searching for us. For certain, it going to be a weird and wonderful experience for us. We are so excited and we can’t wait to bring Vera home so you can all see her and get to know her. Things are just a little different when you are adopting a child rather than having a biological child. She will be adapting to a lot of new things…new parents, new brothers, new sister, new home, new foods, new time zone (totally opposite of everything she is used to). That’s a lot to swallow at one time. Although we cannot predict how long it will take Vera to adjust to our home, we feel confident that by implementing some specific parenting approaches it will happen more quickly than if we did not implement those approaches.
To all the wonderful women in my life, it's important that you know Vera has had only women take care of her all of her life. It's quite possible that she doesn't think of me any differently than she does any of her past caregivers. She has no idea what a mommy is or does. I will need to be very careful in the time that Vera spends with you, especially when first meeting. She may very well be "mommy shopping" and I'll have to keep a close eye on how she relates to you, my best of friends. If Vera calls you Mama or Mommy just point in her my direction and reaffirm to her that I am her mommy. If she asks you for something - anything at all - tell her mommy will get it for her. It's very important that she acknowledge and accept that her mommy (and daddy) are the sole source of having her needs met.
We appreciate your time and understanding in reading this. We are giving you this letter because you are very important to us, and we know you will be to Vera as well. We want you to understand how dedicated and committed we are to helping Vera adjust and adapt as smoothly as possible during this stressful time in her life. We feel confident that everything will smooth out quickly and we will be on a more normal schedule! Thank you again for your continued prayers, love, and encouragement.
As we get ready to embark on one of the most exciting events in our lives, we are thinking a lot about the people around us and how much our lives are going to change. Family and friends are so very important to us and we cannot wait for Vera to share in the blessing of a relationship with each one of you. We feel that God has worked through you all to give us love, support, and encouragement during our adoption process. You have prayed, cried, and shared in our excitement; truly you have been Christ to us. We appreciate you more than we can ever express in words.
We’re thrilled about bringing Vera home! We’ve done a lot of reading, research, and asked a lot of other adoptive parents about this process and we feel as prepared as we can be to help Vera become a member of our family and community. There are some things about adoptive parenting that are the same as parenting a biological child. There are also quite a few areas that we have learned are different. Through our adoption agency, training, books, other adoptive parents, and more, we have learned that Vera needs a specific type of environment and parenting when she first comes home in order to feel safe and secure and to learn how to live successfully in our family.
While we know that every child is different, we also understand that there are many possible things that will impact Vera’s beliefs and behavior when she gets home. These include how much nurturing Vera received, if there was abuse or neglect, the amount and quality of the food she received, illnesses, the quality of care and her unique temperament and personality. The result of these variables can include behavioral issues, emotional disorders and a sense of grief and loss from being separated from the only home and caregivers Vera has ever known. Adoption is a traumatic and scary event for a child, whether they are newborn or 10 years old. Vera is being removed from all of her routines and familiar surroundings. If you have children, you can imagine plucking them out of your family and into a totally different home in a different country. Anyone would feel grief and sadness at an event like this. So in order to help Vera feel safe and learn that we are her parents, we will be creating the type of environment that will help promote security for her during this stressful time.
When Vera gets home, at the recommendation of the experienced adoption professionals from whom we have been learning, we need to implement specific parenting approaches to help encourage a strong, attached, emotionally healthy bond. Vera needs to learn that WE are her parents. She needs to feel nurtured and safe. She will not be used to having parents to love and care for her.
Here are some things we will be doing for Vera based on research and experience with other adopted children. We will be living a very quiet life with limited trips out and few visitors in for a little while. Social workers and psychologists tell us that when children are first brought into the adoptive home, they often feel overwhelmed, scared, and nervous. By keeping our lives very boring at first, we will be helping Vera feel safe. This does NOT mean we don't want visitors coming to meet Vera for the first time. We will just have to limit it a little so that it is not overwhelming. Please feel free to call us and ask to come visit! We just want you to understand that if we have to limit visitors it is not because we want you to stay away. On the contrary, we need your support and encouragement during this time!
I know a number of people are planning to meet us at the airport when we arrive home. That will be WONDERFUL and touching for us to see so many familiar and supportive faces when we arrive. We certainly don't want family and friends to stay away from us, but at the same time we can’t pass Vera around to everyone and we will have to be mindful of overloading her with new things and people. We know you will want to hug, kiss, and help spoil Vera, but it is recommended that we be the only ones to do that at first to improve her chances of attaching strongly to us. Until we feel that Vera has attached and clearly knows that we are her parents, we will need to take care of ALL of her needs. We know that it may feel disappointing to some of you because you have shared in our excitement of bringing Vera home.
As strange as it may seem, adopted children who act very outgoing and affectionate with strangers is not a healthy thing. It is called “indiscriminate affection” and can mean that they haven’t really attached to anyone. It would not be a good sign that Vera is attached to us if during her first months home she will let just anyone take her without searching for us. For certain, it going to be a weird and wonderful experience for us. We are so excited and we can’t wait to bring Vera home so you can all see her and get to know her. Things are just a little different when you are adopting a child rather than having a biological child. She will be adapting to a lot of new things…new parents, new brothers, new sister, new home, new foods, new time zone (totally opposite of everything she is used to). That’s a lot to swallow at one time. Although we cannot predict how long it will take Vera to adjust to our home, we feel confident that by implementing some specific parenting approaches it will happen more quickly than if we did not implement those approaches.
To all the wonderful women in my life, it's important that you know Vera has had only women take care of her all of her life. It's quite possible that she doesn't think of me any differently than she does any of her past caregivers. She has no idea what a mommy is or does. I will need to be very careful in the time that Vera spends with you, especially when first meeting. She may very well be "mommy shopping" and I'll have to keep a close eye on how she relates to you, my best of friends. If Vera calls you Mama or Mommy just point in her my direction and reaffirm to her that I am her mommy. If she asks you for something - anything at all - tell her mommy will get it for her. It's very important that she acknowledge and accept that her mommy (and daddy) are the sole source of having her needs met.
We appreciate your time and understanding in reading this. We are giving you this letter because you are very important to us, and we know you will be to Vera as well. We want you to understand how dedicated and committed we are to helping Vera adjust and adapt as smoothly as possible during this stressful time in her life. We feel confident that everything will smooth out quickly and we will be on a more normal schedule! Thank you again for your continued prayers, love, and encouragement.
Much love to you all,
Jon & Amy
Amy, that brought me to tears. I love you.
ReplyDeleteDad
Well said. It is sometimes difficult for people who have not adopted to understand the bonding process.
ReplyDeleteWe want to see you when all is settled. Maybe this fall will be a good time.
Love to you all,
Rita
Amy,
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for involving us in your adoption. My heart is so full and I am so blessed to have been given a window into this part of your life. I have been and will continue to pray for your family.
God willing, we are planning on meeting you at the airport (with camera ready) to welcome you and your newest daughter home.
Leslie
Hi! Would you mind if I linked back to this post from our adoption blog? Yours fits better than Tesney's in our situation, and I really couldn't say any of this better. Our adoption blog is www.bringlaurelhome.com
ReplyDeleteThanks for your time!
Colleen