The Sugar Connection

Jon and I are a little slow sometimes. We admit it. We roll with it. You know how some people say that children suck out your brain power? Well, I think adopted children suck out whatever brain power you have left.

I've been meaning to start a journal to keep track of Vera's tantrums. But it's hard to know exactly what to keep track of. Anything could be a trigger, so what do I write down? We think we've stumbled on to a big clue.

Sugar.

The Friday before Valentine's Day, the kids and I went to a Valentine party with an awesome homeschool group. Lots of fun and sugar was involved. After lunch, Vera had a sprinkle covered marshmallow and a cookie. Vera participated in her first Valentine exchange and kept asking "Why peepa give me pwesents?" She had a blast! She came home with lots of candy that we put in a ziploc bag and tucked safely in one of her dresser drawers. Sometime after we got home that day, Vera had a huge tantrum. She hadn't had one like that in awhile and I was wondering what in the world set it off.

Two days later, we went out for dinner where Vera had half a scoop of ice cream at the end of the meal. Let's just say bedtime that night was less than fun. It was worse than a normal less-than-fun bedtime, if that makes any sense. The next morning Vera asked if she could have a piece of candy. I said 'no' to which she replied with her favorite word. 'Why?' So I told her that I've noticed the past few times that she's had something sugary she has ended up having a tantrum and doing lots of screaming. I told her that maybe we'd try again sometime soon. Maybe. Maybe not. Well, the next day was her Valentine's party at co-op. Her teacher began the afternoon with candy for the whole class. Great. I didn't want Vera to be left out so I told her she could have a piece but that I didn't want to hear any screaming later. Chuckle. It was a good thought. Well, you guessed it. Later that afternoon she had a huge screaming tantrum. I removed the bag of candy from her dresser drawer and told her she would not be having any candy for a Very. Long. Time.

Vera's Valentine Stash.

By my estimations this is the equivalent of about 3 dozen tantrums.

Later, when she was calm we had a talk about the candy and I explained to her again why I had taken it away and put it in the pantry. She did understand and was able to tell back to me what had happened and why. Whenever Vera has a consequence for disobedience or defiance or whatever the case may be, we try to have her tell back to us why she received the consequence. I remember the first time I did this. I asked Vera why she had just had a timeout. She responded, "Mommy..." I immediately interrupted her and told her she did not have a timeout because of Mommy. I asked her to try again.

"Vera, why did you have a timeout?"

"Because Mommy..."

"No, your timeout was not Mommy's fault. Why did you have a timeout?"

"Because Mommy..."

"Vera, you did not have a timeout because of Mommy. Why did you have a timeout?"
Finally, Vera lowered her face and stuck out her bottom lip - "Me no obey Mommy."

It's been helpful (we think) to help Vera understand that her choices can have consequences or her choices can have blessings. In the beginning she just didn't get (or pretended not to get) that her consequences were a result of HER choices. She used to blame everything on anyone else, including the cat or dog.

Anyway, Vera knew exactly why I had taken away her candy. And then she told me

"In Ukraine, me scream me get candy."

Bingo!

Do you remember what the nannies at Vera's baby house would do when she had a tantrum?

They would give her candy if she quit screaming.

Do you remember a few months ago when I figured out what Vera would ask for during her screaming tantrums?

Yep. Candy.

Hmmmm...even after this little statement from Vera, it didn't click with me. As I said, I'm a little slow these days. Perhaps I need some candy.

Anyway, Jon had been in and out of town and I hadn't been able to tell him yet about my sugar/tantrum theory. We went out to lunch last Friday and Jon got cookies for all of us. He gave Vera half a cookie and I made a mental note to talk to Jon later about Vera and sweets and my new suspicion. I didn't have to worry about remembering. Vera reminded me. I asked Jon to stop at Home Depot after lunch so I could run in and get some paint. When I came out of Home Depot, I could hear it. The screaming. This girl has some lungs, let me tell you! I got in the van and Jon said he didn't know what had set it off. Well, he knew, but it shouldn't have led to the screaming. I told him I knew exactly why she was screaming and that I'd tell him when we got home and he could hear me. She screamed the whole way home. Lovely.

As Jon and I were talking about it later, I remembered the conversation where Vera told me that in Ukraine when she screamed she would get candy. I said it's interesting that now she gets candy and inevitably has a screaming fit shortly afterwards. There must be a connection somewhere, don't you think? It just seems like it's related somehow...

In Ukraine, screaming = candy. Here, candy = screaming.

If any of you have any insight into this, please share. We're always looking for possible explanations to Vera's behaviors. Do any of you have kids who react this way with sugar?

A little sweetness without the sugar.

LOVE these girls!

Remember Them?

Do you remember these two precious sweeties?

This is "Nice Girl"...

And this is "Lisa."

They were in Vera's group at the orphanage and sat at Vera's lunch table.

Lisa is the one who would grab on to Jon and not let go.

Aren't they precious?! Don't you LOVE their smiles?!

There is a growing group of families here in the states who stay in touch.

We are now one of those families.

We all adopted from Vera's baby home in Nikolaev.

#19

A couple of the moms had a great idea to send Christmas to #19 this year.

When I found out about it, I was sleepless for a few nights.

Oh, the excitement!

These little faces, and plenty of others, kept me awake.

We get to send them presents for Christmas!

Do you remember when I told you about peeking into the lockers of the 14 children in Vera's group? Vera had a few things from the few visitors she had had. "Allie" had a few things and so did Nice Girl. Do you remember what the other children had?

Nothing.

Shoes and a hat.

Shoes and a hat that do not really belong to them.

Shoes that likely don't fit...Vera's shoes were 4 sizes too small.

Shoes and a hat that will stay at the orphanage if/when they move on.

Really, the children have nothing.

We can change that this Christmas.

We can give each child something to call their own.

Something to keep in their locker.

Something.

So, would you like to help us?

There are several ways you can help.

In a nutshell, we will be sending shoeboxes filled with goodies for 115 children.

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Here are some ways you can help:

You can fill a shoebox. We ask you to keep the contents between $5 and $20.

You can donate items and some 19 families will fill shoeboxes for you.

You can purchase something from Becky's Etsy shop. For the month of October she is donating all of her proceeds to Operation: Christmas in Nikolaev. Becky's family adopted a girl with CP from Vera's orphanage last year. She has been a great source of encouragement to me and a huge help with all of my endless questions about Vera and her CP.

SPREAD THE WORD! Grab the button, blog it, share this link on Facebook.

You can make a monetary donation here that will be used to purchase toys, clothing, gift wrap, and also to help pay for shipping.

Shipping charges will be substantial.

All donations over $25 are tax deductible.

Most importantly, please PRAY! Pray for these precious ones left behind.

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Pray and ask the Lord how He would have you help.

So...are you in?

You can send items/and or filled boxes to

Huddle House

1802 Main Street East

Hartselle, AL 35640

no later than October 31

You can make a monetary donation here or send a check to

Circle of Hope

P O Box 4921

Huntsville, AL 35815

Be sure to include your name/address if you would like to use your donation for tax purposes.

Let me just share one more precious one with you.

This is Ryland.

He lives at the Nikolaev baby house. For now, anyway.

He's 5, so I don't know how long he will be there.

Ryland has CP like our Vera. We saw him on many occasions and got to interact with him.

Oh.

He is a love!

I will be sharing more about Ryland in the near future.

He still needs a family.

If you could meet him, you would wonder why no one has come for him.

We were baffled by it.

Ryland has no family.

Ryland has nothing.

Same with Lisa and Nice Girl.

And 112 others at the orphanage in Nikolaev.

Wouldn't you like to send them something for Christmas?

Can you even imagine the excitement of a child who has never received a Christmas present opening a little box of goodies OF THEIR VERY OWN on Christmas morning?

It WILL make a difference!

All of the information you need can be found here.

Instructions for shoe boxes:

Decorate a women’s shoe box with the following suggested items, label “boy” or “girl” on outside of box and rubberband box closed. Please do not use a large "boot" box.

Socks – white (girls box), black (boys box)

Underwear (girls or boys or all white for either)

Children's sunglasses, hats appropriate for warm weather or cold weather (boys or girls)

Small toys – ideas include: barbies, Lego's, puzzles, crayons, action figures, dolls with clothing, hot wheels cars, stuffed animals, balls, slinkys, etc.

Children’s gloves

Hair bows/barrettes (girls boxes)

New clothing (inexpensive) all sizes up to age 5

*Please do not include nail polish or candy*

We thank you for helping make this a very special Christmas for so many little children!

"In all things I have shown you that by working hard in this way we must help the weak and remember the words of the Lord Jesus, how He Himself said, ‘It is more blessed to give than to receive.’”

Lunch Date

I've been dreading writing this post. But it must be said.

I've come to the ironic conclusion that children do not belong in orphanages.

Duh!

Children belong with families...mommies and daddies and maybe a sibling or two...or three...or four...or sometimes more or sometimes none. But they definitely belong with mommies and daddies. Nannies and caregivers are just that. Nannies and caregivers don't say, "I love you." Nannies and caregivers don't give hugs. They don't comfort when a child is hurt. Most nannies and caregivers (that we've seen) do their best, but when you're responsible for 11 - 15 kids at one time, there's only so much you can do.

Sigh.

I am so thankful for all the time we've been able to spend with Vera here and that we've had a glimpse into her life over the past 6 years. We love this girl DEARLY and she is an Evans for sure. When I stop to ponder how perfect she is for our family...well, it makes me weepy. When I stop to ponder how much you all will adore her...well, it makes tears fall down my cheeks. You will all love her bunches. She has already brought so much joy to Jon and I and I know she will bring even more to our whole family and each of you once we get her home where she belongs. I know I've said it before, but Vera is a treasure. Our treasure. We have 3 amazing kids at home and now we're adding one more to the mix. Why are we so blessed? I'll let you know when I figure it out.

Vera doesn't cry when she's hurt. Have I told you that? She's had a few injuries during our visits...she's been bonked in the eye (and it swelled up a bit) and knocked in the head by a wooden swing. She's fallen countless times...several were 'big' falls and I was prepared for tears. Nope. She has never cried. Her eyes teared up a few of those times, but the tears never fell. She would wipe them away and move on. We have seen how the children in her group are comforted, and I use that word loosely, when they're hurt. It's minimal. Sometimes it's just words across the playground. Sometimes it's by pinching the child's cheeks...like that's what you want if you're hurt. Every now and then a crying child will be placed next to a caregiver. I have yet to see a child hugged or held. I have yet to see a child sit in someone's lap. It's weird to say, but I'm looking forward to Vera's first injury that causes her to cry and seek comfort from Jon or I.

Vera doesn't know how to seek comfort or be comforted.

She doesn't know how to be held, but she's learning.

She doesn't know how to hug or be hugged, but she's learning.

She's 6. She should have hugging down by now.

Sigh.

Children do not belong in orphanages.

I have yet to see a child in Vera's group play with a toy. Her room is FULL of great books and toys. They have been in the exact same positions on the shelves since our first day here. I don't know why, but I took a mental photo that day. Nothing has moved. No toy has been played with. No book has been read. WHY?

Jon and I were commenting a few days ago that the only times we have seen Vera's group actually play is when they're on the little fenced in playground. And they only go to the little playground when a certain caregiver is there. One of Vera's (and ours) favorite people. She was gone for a week. Vera's group was not on the playground that whole, entire week. Do you know what we've seen them do instead of play?

They sit. They walk.

The group comes outside every day if it's not raining. We've seen them sit, for over an hour (sometimes our whole 2 hour visit), with no toys. They just sit in the shade on blankets or on benches. They sit and stare at the world around them. It seems so cruel to me. They're children. They're 2, 3 and 4 year olds. They should be running and squealing and playing tag. The boys should be pretending all the sticks around them are swords. They should be playing with balls and trucks and dolls. They should be smelling all the beautiful flowers around them and eating the ripening cherries off the trees.

Sometimes, instead of sitting, they walk. One day they did 3 slow loops around the grounds. About every 30 minutes, Vera's group would pass us. Vera would be playing in the sand or eating berries off a tree and here would come her group. 12 or so kids ages 2 to 4. Walking in circles. Never veering off the cement path. Never exploring all the awesome trees and flowers on the grounds. Never going down the slide or teeter-tottering or playing in the sand. Never running. I haven't seen any of these children run.

They sit.

And they walk.

One day we picked Vera up from her room and the kids were sitting all lined up in their little wooden chairs watching a soap opera. It may have been in Russian, but a soap opera is a soap opera no matter what country you're in. When we returned Vera over 2 hours later, her group was still sitting there in the same wooden chairs watching TV.

Another day when we arrived for our visit, no one was is in the big room, but we could hear the caregivers' voices. I ventured in and got a peek into the other room, the one I thought was their bedroom. I didn't see any beds, but there were a few little couches. The kids were all sitting on the little couches. Just sitting. The children were not talking...just sitting and staring.

I got to have lunch with Vera on Friday. Well, I got to go into her room during lunch and watch Vera eat with her group.

I cried on the way home.

Children do not belong in orphanages.

They started with borscht and bread.

See the darling one next to Vera with the pony tail on top of her head? That's 'Lisa.' She's the one who wanted me to pick her up when we first met Vera. She's the one who snuggled up next to Jon and patted his arm. She's the one who wraps herself around my legs every chance she gets. She's the one who will be on our hearts and minds when we leave here. I don't know 'Lisa's' story. I don't even know if she's adoptable. But she's the one. Jon and I discussed it and neither of us believe that Lisa is ours...but she is somebody's. Could she be yours?

See the beautiful girl on the right (below)? That's 'Nice Girl.' I don't know her story either, but I do think she's had visitors. One day while we were waiting for Vera (the kids are usually in tank tops and underwear, but sometimes they put a dress on Vera for our visits), I peeked in each and every locker in Vera's group. I wanted to cry. 10 of these children only have hats and shoes. And really, those hats and shoes belong to the orphanage. 10 of these children have nothing. Nothing to call their own. The 3 that had other things in their lockers were Vera (who has had several visitors), 'Allie' who we've seen several times with who we assume is her father, and Nice Girl, who must have had a visitor because she has a purse and a few other things in her locker.
Anyway, lunch was interesting. This (below) was the only time I could get Vera to look at me. I kept trying to talk to her, but she was very intent on her lunch. I think I figured out why. It was eerily quiet. There was no talking except the caregivers telling a little one to be careful (I assume). 13 kids, ages 2 - 4, and not one of them spoke a word during lunch. The only sound was the silverware clanking against the bowls and plates. I've taught pre-school and I remember what lunch with 15 three-year-olds was like. It was not like this.
Lisa and Nice Girl paid me a lot of attention. Aren't they just precious? After the soup bowls were taken away, the children were given plates with potatoes, green onions and another piece of bread. They wasted no time in digging in. Vera was taking such huge bites I kept telling her to slow down or she would choke. The others ate the same way. Quickly and with huge bites that were barely chewed before they swallowed. Vera finished her food and a caregiver started walking towards our table. Nice Girl started shoveling food into her mouth. I didn't realize what was going on until the caregiver reached for Nice Girl's plate. She was almost done and was still shoveling bites in as fast as she could. And away went her plate. Nice Girl wasn't done. She would've finished her food. Her eyes teared up as her plate was taken away with a few bites still on it. She wasn't done. She wanted to finish her lunch. Her mouth was so full from shoveling in those last bites that she could hardly chew.
Obviously these kids aren't starving. I have not seen one child here that looks malnourished in any way. For this, I am so thankful. So many people have told us that this is one of the nicest orphanages in Ukraine. I don't doubt that at all. It was just heartbreaking to watch the caregivers shove HUGE bites of food into little 2 year old mouths who hardly got to chew and swallow before the next huge bite of food was shoved into their mouths. What is the rush?

I don't understand this place. These children do not belong here. Why are they here? Where are their parents? Why have we let the orphan crisis become a crisis? These children need families. These children need to PLAY. These children need someone to hug them every day and tell them they are LOVED. The only sense I can make of their smiles that come so easily is that God watches over and upholds the fatherless.

This past week was hard for me. I cried a lot and had a good ole pity party. Was I crying because I miss my kids at home? ABSOLUTELY! I literally ache to hug my 3 oldest children at home. I knew being away for this long would be hard, but I had no idea it was going to be like this. And really, the first 3 weeks, though long, went pretty quickly. I missed the kids, but not like I have this week. But that's not the only reason for all the tears this week. I have cried for 'Lisa' and Nice Girl and so many other children that we've seen every day. So many other children that call us Mama and Papa. So many other children who need someone to come get them. So many other children living each day without hugs and 'I love you's.' So many children...

Children do not belong in orphanages.

I will leave you with Dueteronomy 10: 12 - 21. This passage has been such a comfort to me as I have sojourned in a land that is not my own.

"And now, Israel, what does the Lord your God require of you, but to fear the Lord your God, to walk in all his ways, to love him, to serve the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul, and to keep the commandments and statutes of the Lord, which I am commanding you today for your good? Behold, to the Lord your God belong heaven and the heaven of heavens, the earth with all that is in it. Yet the Lord set his heart in love on your fathers and chose their offspring after them, you above all peoples, as you are this day. Circumcise therefore the foreskin of your heart, and be no longer stubborn. For the Lord your God is God of gods and Lord of lords, the great, the mighty, and the awesome God, who is not partial and takes no bribe. He executes justice for the fatherless and the widow, and loves the sojourner, giving him food and clothing. Love the sojourner, therefore, for you were sojourners in the land of Egypt. You shall fear the Lord your God. You shall serve him and hold fast to him, and by his name you shall swear. He is your praise. He is your God, who has done for you these great and terrifying things that your eyes have seen."

Our Trip to Russia - Part One

Jon and I made it safely home from St. Petersburg on Sunday, November 21st. It was a long two days of travel home (spent 12 hours at the Amsterdam airport…with mice…but that’s a story for another day), and we are so thankful to be back in America. Where it’s okay to be Christian, Baptist homeschoolers. :)

Our trip was good, hard, emotional and exhausting. I think I had built up Leanna’s orphanage in my mind. All this time so many people have told us that Leanna is in ‘the best’, ’nicest’ orphanage in St. Pete. After our first day there, Jon and I said that if this is the best, we don’t want to see any others. The surroundings are…dismal. Old, rundown,dirty. It’s not terrible or anything…just very depressing. The bathrooms reek of urine. I wanted to cry when we walked into Leanna's room but I kept a smile on my face. All this time I've had peace knowing Leanna is in a 'good' place. My peace was erased last week. Leanna needs to come home.
One thing that hit me was that her orphanage is not a home. All this time I've had a completely different picture of orphanage life in my head. Like, I pictured the caregivers and cooks living there with the kids. Doing life with the kids. Loving the kids. Well, duh. They don't. To them it's a job. A place to work. A way to earn money and pay the bills. The orphanage is a business. It's run like a business, not a home. I don't know where I got my false impressions from. Maybe I just created my own little scenario to cope with the reality of this long process. But my glasses aren't rose-colored anymore. Reality has come. And with reality comes such sorrow and sadness. This is Leanna's life. This is how and where she lives. I needed to see this. No more denial for me. Leanna is NOT in a good place.
We got to meet Leanna’s great-grandmother, who took care of Leanna after her mother died when she was one. Two years ago she gave up her rights and put Leanna in the orphanage. She was just too old to take care of Leanna. Meeting Valya (short for Valentina) was one of the most precious experiences of my life. I held back tears that whole afternoon. I was incredibly nervous about meeting her not knowing what kind of reception we would receive. Was she happy Leanna was being adopted by Americans? Was she upset that Leanna would be leaving Russia? The women at Leanna’s orphanage were very concerned about how we would keep up the relationship between Leanna and her great-grandmother. How did Babushka feel about everything? Well, I think I could write a whole book about those few hours spent with Babushka. We arranged for her to be picked up because she didn’t want us to see where and how she lives. When she arrived, her head was pounding and she wasn’t feeling well. She hadn’t left her apartment in months. The orphanage nurse took her blood pressure, which was very high, and gave her something to help. Then Babushka looked at us and just started talking. She has had a hard life. She talked much of war times and her love for Germany. Her two sons live with her (or should I say they live off of her) and she told us almost immediately that she is sorry they are her sons. All they do is smoke and drink and live off of her very low, fixed income. She doesn’t know where or how they get the money for cigarettes and alcohol and I don’t think she wants to know. Babushka was full of class and she made us smile through teary eyes. Her dress was old and dirty and was pinned together with a safety pin. Her sweater was old and dirty and full of holes. If we thought for an instant that she would come home with us, we would bring her in a heartbeat. Jon and I both love Babushka and are concerned for her. Jon told her that she is now part of our family and we want to help her. We learned that Leanna does Babushka’s grocery shopping. We asked who did that for her when Leanna was here last summer. She said one of her sons would shop for her, “only if she gave him extra money to buy cigarettes." We asked our translator if there was any kind of service we could pay for to buy and deliver Babushka’s groceries. There is nothing like that in St. Pete. Babushka repeatedly told us to make sure Leanna writes and calls her…she will miss her so much. She repeatedly told us to make sure Leanna works hard…don’t let her be lazy. She repeatedly told Leanna to show us respect and not to argue with her new brothers and sister. :) I asked her what she wanted for Leanna’s future. She waved her hand and with a chuckle said, “She has her own plans.”

Babushka told us that next week would mark the 2 year anniversary of Leanna going to the orphanage. It was also written on Leanna’s calendar in her room. Tomorrow is the day. Two years ago tomorrow Leanna’s life changed forever. It is obviously a significant date for both of them. And for us, I suppose. It was a hard decision for Babushka to make. She told us that she made sure that Leanna was in the best orphanage possible. Which couldn’t have been easy for her. Babushka obviously loves Leanna very much…I hope I do right by her. I hope she is pleased with how we care for Leanna. At one point she told Jon and I that she believes God exists and shared a little bit about why she believes that. Jon told her that we too believe God exists and shared a little more. As soon as Jon said we believe in God, Babushka smiled and gave us a thumbs up. Oh, I hope I always remember that sweet image. I hope we get to see Babushka again. When it was time for her to go, Jon asked if we could hug her. Babushka said ‘yes’ and then said she was also going to kiss us goodbye…which she did! As she was leaving, she told us that although she can’t see very well (she could only see our outlines) she gets feelings about people. She feels that we are good people and that we will take good care of Leanna. I guess that was the equivalent of receiving her blessing.
Well, I suppose I will close for now. I write this partly so you can share in our experience and partly so that I will remember everything. There is so much to share about our trip so I will do it in parts over the next few days.