Anxiety

Last time I told you about our lovely reunion in Alabama. I was able to have a long talk with Renee that weekend. Okay, I'll be honest...I hogged her...and I really got to pick her brain about some things. She had made some observations about us and shared them with me. She was right on about everything. She even noticed things I've never mentioned to anyone except Jon. She's very insightful.

As we talked about Vera and I asked and asked and she graciously answered and answered, she finally said, "That sounds like anxiety to me."

Anxiety. OF COURSE! Why hadn't I thought of that?!

I didn't sleep a wink that night. I kept thinking about everything Renee had told me trying to make myself remember so I could tell Jon the next day. I kept thinking of more questions I needed to ask. Does anxiety relate to this? Would anxiety cause that? I was messaging Renee on our drive home asking some of my questions. I also did some reading about anxiety and some of Vera's...quirks. A few things Renee said fit Vera to a "T". "Constant anxiety means even minor things can cause true distress. A kid with anxiety has very little tolerance for anything out of the ordinary - it's total panic mode."

Anxiety explains SO MUCH about Vera...

Why she needs routine so desperately.

Why she asks the same question over and over and over until we are all ready to pull our hair out. Or hers. I used to think this was a control thing. But from what I read, an anxious person finds comfort in predictable answers so they will repeat questions. And repeat and repeat and repeat.

Her intense startle reflex (which could also be CP related).

Her obsessions. Oy.

Why she loses her cool so quickly and panics when she misplaces something. I have never seen anything like it.

Why her little hoards of cut up/torn up paper are so important to her.

Why she falls apart so quickly and panics when we don't understand what she's trying to tell us.

Why new places and experiences cause her to panic. Though we didn't recognize it as panic/anxiety. Now we do. And it totally fits.

Why it took 8 months for her to learn how to count to 5 and still thinks an "A" is an "O".

Anxiety even explains some (though not all) of her tantrums.

Vera has always been...high strung. It has never taken much to set her off. We used to talk about her very short, almost non-existent fuse and her quick temper. Now we know...it's anxiety. Most of it is anyway. Are any of you wondering what caused Vera's anxiety? Well, it could be spending her first 6 years in an orphanage. It could be being told that if she couldn't walk, no one would want to adopt her. It could be the fact that 3 different couples went to adopt Vera, met her, were introduced to her as Mama and Papa, and then left her there. That would play with her mind a little, don't you think? It could be that we changed everything about Vera's life...her home, her friends, her foods, her country, her language...everything.

Really it could be any or all of the above or something I haven't even thought of yet. However, I believe a ginormous part of her anxiety has been me in an indirect way. Ever since we got home, I have wondered about Vera and what she thinks about how she got here. You may remember when we first got home, she would look at our family pictures and ask where she was. She would look at the big kids' baby albums and ask where hers was. Did she think I gave birth to her and then left her in an orphanage for 6 years? Well, I discovered recently that that is EXACTLY what she thought. She thought I had carried her in my tummy, had her and left her in Ukraine for 6 years. Poor little thing. Can you imagine what the past 9 months must have been like for her? NO WONDER she had so much rage! I also think some of our photos caused her anxiety. We still have photos of Leanna around the house. Vera has never, not once, asked about her, though she has asked about every other person in every other photo. I wonder if she's afraid of the answer. Has she been wondering all this time when she will no longer be here just like the girl in our photos is no longer here? My poor little Vera. Anyway, I explained to Vera that she had been in someone else's tummy and that we didn't know about her until she was almost 6. She has been different ever since we had that conversation. She is SO much more relaxed now. It's like her wall is coming down. She trusts me now. She is letting me be her mommy. I finally feel like I'm her mommy. If Jon and I are both home, she now seeks me out for most things where she used to prefer Jon for everything. When we're out and about now, she'll reach for my hand instead of insisting on holding Jon's hand. Now she begins almost every day by saying, "You my mommy always, always. I your daughter always, always."

So, you may be wondering what we're doing about this new little anxiety discovery. We saw HUGE improvements in Vera when we had our lightbulb weekend. But she would still get spun up so fast about little things and it didn't take much at all for her to escalate to screaming and/or a tantrum.

Renee gave me some very helpful ideas about how to help Vera stay calm when she goes into panic mode. They're all much easier to see in person than to try to describe. We've tried a few of the techniques over the past few weeks and it's definitely helping. Another very wonderful friend of mine taught me how to do the brushing technique and joint compressions on Vera. We're doing that every morning and evening. That also seems to be helping. I can now recognize Vera's anxious face and her controlling face and I respond accordingly. That in itself has been a huge thing. Responding accordingly. My reaction to her action has been a very important piece of the puzzle.

The changes in Vera lately have really been dramatic. And part of it has been me. Realizing her state of anxiousness filled me with such compassion for her. Realizing the difference between her control issues and her anxiety issues helped me handle her much more lovingly and with much more grace and patience. Praise God!

I mentioned that Vera has improved...here are a few examples. The other day we had to go somewhere. I carried her LeapPad downstairs for her and put it in the van next to my seat. As Vera was getting in to her seat, she asked me where her LeapPad was. I told her it was next to my purse, but it was under a book so she couldn't see it. Normally, she either would have demanded to see it OR thrown a fit because she couldn't see it next to my purse. She simply said, "Okay, Mommy," and got in her seat. I couldn't believe it.

Improvement #2 - we were on our way home the other day and Vera was playing with a tub of zoo animals that Caleb had given her for her birthday. The tub rolled away as I made a turn and Vera couldn't reach it. Normally, she would've fussed and cried until we got home and she could get the tub. This time, she told me it was okay and that she'd wait until we got home and then she'd get her tub. Astonishing! Seriously.

Improvement #3 - Vera can now count to 11 and recognizes those written numbers. And she can write her name almost perfectly. When she wants to.

Improvement #4 - The other morning at church, Vera had left her Bible in the van. We were on our way to potty before the service started and she mentioned her Bible. I told her we would go potty and get a drink and then if there was time, I would go out and get her Bible. A few weeks ago she would've cried and demanded, "You need get my Bible NOW!" Instead she said, "It's okay. If no have time, me use Bible in the seat." Wow. I was stunned.

She's getting there, folks. I think true healing is finally beginning. And we are thankful!

Meetings and Reunions

A few weeks ago I had my very first weekend away since coming home with Vera last July. My good friend, Laura, and I drove up to SC for a homeschool conference. Laura came home on Saturday after the conference ended, but I stayed an extra night just to be alone for awhile. It was truly glorious. How I needed that break!

One of the highlights of my weekend was getting to meet my precious friend. Julia is also a Reece's Rainbow mom. Her son actually started out at Vera's baby home, but was sadly transferred to hell on earth. A mental institution. Even though he has no mental problems.

It was a blessing to meet Julia and spend at least an hour each day with her at her Biblioplan booth. I loved purchasing my Biblioplan curriculum from her personally! Julia is a treasure...the real deal. Her love and compassion for the children left behind is palpable. Her heart for orphans is ginormous. She is one of my heroes!

While I was gone, I found out that the 2 families who were with us in Ukraine were planning a little reunion the following weekend in Alabama. I told Jon I REEEEAAAALLLYYY wanted to go. It was only a 5 hour drive. And to my delight he said, "Yes! Let's do it!" Oh...I can't even describe my excitement. It ended up that 4 families who have adopted from Vera's baby home and 1 in the process were able to meet up. Our together time was spent at the hotel pool. And it was REALLY hot in there! But...we survived. The adults visited while the children swam.

I wish I could put into words what it's like to spend time with people who get it. I know a lot of people who have lost friends, even best friends, after adopting because 'normal' parents just can't understand what our lives are like. This road can sometimes be very lonely and isolating and we're often misunderstood. It's a relief to spend time, however brief, with people who are on the same journey. A year ago, I never would've dreamed that I would have the kind of conversations that are a regular part of my life now.

How I LOVE these women!

Above

Me, Renee (holding her sweet Emma...home just 4 weeks), Michelle, Missy and Kim.

Kim and Missy were in Ukraine with us. We saw Missy and her family in Indiana in November, but hadn't seen Kim's family since Ukraine. It was a bit surreal to be home, with all of our kids, together, in Alabama. Who would've thunk?!

That weekend, I found out that Renee was going to be meeting Catherine near Atlanta and I had to invite myself along. Catherine came home with 2 sweeties while we were still in Ukraine. One of her little ones went straight to the hospital...she was so malnourished. But you would never know it now...she's quite a little chunky monkey! It was SO FUN having dinner with these families at The Mellow Mushroom.

Above

Me, Renee (holding Emma), Catherine (holding Francesca and Victoria), Isabella and Anastasia.

Renee is becoming a very good friend, confidant and mentor. Most of you know her name from her comments here and on Facebook. She is the one I quoted in my previous post. Renee is a wealth of knowledge, experience and expertise and she is SO WILLING to share with and teach those of us who are stumbling along on this adoption journey. Jon and I are so thankful for her. She has predicted lots of Vera's...issues...and given us valuable advice. Many of us who know Renee wish we could clone her and have her come live with us and tell us what we're doing right/wrong and why our child is doing this or that.

Above - the Mellow Mushroom group

Thankfully it was a Monday night and was not too busy.

The kids got a little...restless...as the evening continued.

Above - Vera and Renee's Emma

I have a long list of adoptive mommas that I hope to meet someday.

I'm so thankful that the list is a little shorter now.

ONE WHOLE WEEK!!! And a New Thing

I'm celebrating tonight. It has been ONE WHOLE WEEK since Vera screamed. ONE WHOLE WEEK since she had a tantrum. It's been ONE WHOLE WEEK since she has told me 'no' or 'I don't want to.' ONE WHOLE WEEK with no disobedience or defiance. No evil eye. No smirky smile. Nothing. Nothing but smiles, 'I love you's', sweetness, peace, laughter, fun...I'm telling you, she is a new child.

She even had a sucker yesterday and knew there was sugar in it!

Thursday or Friday morning Vera asked me to help her with something in her room. I told her I would in 5 minutes; first I needed to finish what I was doing. She started to fuss. She turned around to head back to her room, still fussing. I prepared for the screaming to start. Instead, she stopped fussing, turned around to look back at me, smiled, said, 'Okay Mommy. I obey you,' and went to her room where she patiently waited for me. I could hardly believe it. I was SO PROUD of her! She did it! She fought the urge to begin screaming. YAY, Vera! I can't even tell you how thankful I am for this turnaround. SO THANKFUL!

All that said, she now has a new thing going. Not a bad thing. Just a new thing. After her second whole day of no screaming, she got out of bed after about 30 minutes of lying there and told me her head hurt. She hadn't complained about a headache all day so I didn't know if she was telling me the truth. I gave her a toddler dose of Tylenol to tide her over just in case. The next day she complained of a few different ailments. Her arms hurt. She could feel her blood 'bumping' in her body. Her leg hurt. Odd little complaints though she was still happy and played and did all her normal activities. Jon and I were a bit concerned and decided that if she had similar complaints the next day, we would have her checked out. I think the only specialist she has not seen in the past 8 months is a cardiologist. Maybe it was time.

But the next day she was fine. Until bedtime. Since the screaming and tantrums have ceased, Vera is getting out of bed every night with a different complaint. She's hot. She's cold. She needs socks on. She needs to blow her nose (even though there's nothing to blow out). Her hands are stinky and need to be washed. The cars are too noisy. One night she told me that her blood hurts. I posted that one on the Vera's Journey Home Group on Facebook.

I have a friend who has lots and lots of training and experience with kids like Vera. She sent me a message and explained what she thought was going on with Vera. It makes total sense. I thought I'd share this here, first to help you all understand Vera and second, because some of you might have a child like Vera and this may be helpful to you. It sure was helpful to Jon and I. He and I laugh every time this friend tells us what to expect next because there hasn't been a time yet when she was wrong. Usually she tells us after it's already begun and we go, "Oohhhh. So THAT'S why Vera is doing this."

Here's what she told us about Vera's new bedtime thing:

When a child is constantly attention seeking, it often is because they are not comfortable with "life"- with sensory input for some kids, with not being able to "read" people with others (very common for orphanage kids where everyone was fake to keep the peace and so kids didn't get to see real emotions and consequences naturally), etc. Some kids literally don't know how to cope when it is quiet, or not the center of attention- it's part of the way their systems reacted during early attachment years, and supposedly has to do with residual cortisol levels and dopamine production/neurotransmitter function.

Anyway- the fact that Vera is adjusting and is having to learn to deal with her own "calming" rather than relying on a psychological or physiological "release" from instigating conflict/confrontation is really good. What she may be describing is her trying to explain that she feels different. In the past, when she felt tense, (which could happen because she sensed tension, exhaustion, frustration, excitement, any intense emotion or void of emotion), she likely either stimmed to relieve her feelings, or stirred chaos in the household- oddly, a fight (verbal or physical rage), sex, or drugs all produce similar endorphin rushes and dopamine dumps in the brain/body. Now, she's having to adjust to "feeling". The fact that she's describing that she can actually feel it tells you she is a) sensitive to her body- another indicator of early stress- poor Vera and b) she's making progress.

She's having trouble regulating the way she feels. She's used to having a dopamine release every day- sometimes multiple times a day (every time she pushes you and gets herself angry/excited, she gets it), and now, she's not getting it and feels the void. I know it can seem like attention getting- and truthfully, some of it may be- but the phrases you described are also very typical for a child that is trying to describe what it feels like when their body is "buzzing" as I've heard other kids describe it.

Isn't that fascinating? It makes complete sense, doesn't it? My poor Vera.

My friend also gave us some suggestions...have Vera run around more during the day, jump on the trampoline, dance, do an obstacle course, etc. She also gave us some ideas for muscle relaxation exercises to do before bed. I'm so thankful for friends who have been there/done that and are so willing to share their wisdom.

My friend also told me she's impressed...Vera is making such good progress...

And that we should consider being therapeutic foster parents.

To which I laugh and say HA! There is not enough money in the world...

6 Months Home - A Progress Report

Today is quite an anniversary! We've been home with Vera for 6 months. Unbelievable, isn't it? Half a year. It's also Christmas Day in Ukraine.

It's been a rough week here. One of those weeks where I wonder how long this will last.

The stimming.

The defiance.

The tantrums.

This update is more for me than it is for you. I need to see some progress. So, I've been keeping notes and trying to remember how life was 6 months ago when we first came home and how it is now. I've been encouraged as the list has grown. This list is in no particular order...just as I thought of them...

Vera rarely does her jerking thing in the car anymore and never does it on the toilet or at the dinner table.

She has gotten over her fascination with paper products. In the beginning, we had to watch her closely with TP, Kleenex, paper towels, etc. She would tear up a roll of TP, square by square, and throw it away. She would remove Kleenex tissues from the box one by one and put them in the trash. Same with paper towels. She hasn't done this since I removed all the TP from the trash can and made her use it until it was gone. She did NOT like using anything that had been in the trash can, even though it was still perfectly clean. It took care of the problem, though.

When Vera had her occupational therapy evaluation at the beginning of October, she couldn't connect two dots with a straight line. She couldn't write a 't'. My nephew's first birthday was last month and I had Vera sign his card. I wrote the letters on a piece of paper and she copied what I wrote. The little thing that looks like an ice cream cone is her "R". She did pretty good, didn't she?

Vera also could not stack more than 4 blocks in October. Look at what she can do now.

She couldn't string beads in October. Now making bead jewelry is a regular activity for Vera.

Vera can play Candy Land and Chutes & Ladders, though we still have to help her through it. She sometimes likes to play by her own rules and gets upset if we ask her to play correctly.

She just about has all the colors down.

She can count to 4. I admit that I'm frustrated she can't count to 10 yet. I count to 10 out loud every day while we stretch. I probably do it 30 times a day, at least. I'm sure she'll get there, but I figured she would've had counting to 10 down by now.

Vera's English is coming along, though most people need help with translation. She talks like a toddler, but she's getting there. Her vocabulary has grown exponentially. She used to end any word ending in 'ing' with 'et' instead. "Mommy, what you maket dinner tonight?" Jon and I would joke about who got to 'rocket' Vera at bedtime. We're working on the 'h' sound right now. She gets it mixed up with 'g'. Help is gelp. Home is gome. Hurt is gurt. We're also working on the 'k' sound. Cold is hold. We're working on the 'th' sound, too. That one is really hard for her. I wonder if it's a CP thing because it's almost like her tongue can't do it.

I mentioned in my last post that Mine does not come up very often anymore. Hurray!

Vera does not scream and fight me during stretching any more. She used to scream, quite loudly, during this daily routine. She would yell, "Ouchie! Ouchie!" and you would've thought I was torturing her. She would yell 'Ouchie' before I even touched her. If any adults were here (like Jon home on weekends) she would yell for them. "Daddy! Ouchie! Daddy!" Or she would yell for me if Jon was stretching her. She would yell for Jon's mom or dad when they came to visit. It was really awful and I'm so glad we're past this phase.

Vera does still have tantrums, but I must say that they're not nearly as often and definitely not as long. She doesn't (usually) scream for hours in a day anymore, though we do still have an occasional bad day (yesterday was one of those). I hope that someday I forget our worst day. When I started keeping track, she had screamed for at least 4 hours over the course of the day. I think it was more like 6 though. The big kids and I were very weary at the end of that day.

Vera has not had a rage since the week of Thanksgiving. We went to Illinois for the week and Vera suffered big time regression. I don't think it was too soon. I think Vera would've reacted the same way no matter how long we waited for our first trip away from home. But, she couldn't handle the change in routine. She had a HUGE rage...huge...she was like a wild animal. I was sore for days from restraining her from hurting herself and me. It was a long, tiring, stressful week, but we sure did enjoy visiting Jon's family. All that to say, the rages are few and far between these days. Hallelujah!

Vera with a few of her cousins!

She used to FREAK OUT if she couldn't find something. Usually whatever she was looking for was stuck in her shirt or she was sitting on it. Sometimes it would be right in front of her or next to her and she just couldn't see it. She would cry and scream if she couldn't find something. She doesn't do that anymore. We're so thankful for this progress because she loses things at least 12 times a day. She lost a headband at the grocery store a few weeks ago, after we all advised her to leave it the van so she wouldn't lose it. I was so impressed with how well she handled it. She asked if we could go walk through the whole store to find it and didn't even cry when I said, "No." Our girl is growing up. Of course, I write this out and then yesterday Vera lost a marker. She SCREAMED for at least an hour..."Marker! Marker! I want my marker! Where's my marker?!" I finally put her in bed and made her stay there until she was calm. At some point during the screaming, I said, "Vera! It's a MARKER! Is it really worth all this?" Apparently it was. At the end of the day, Vera found the marker...right where she had left it. Go ahead and chuckle. I am.

Vera will now ask for things and say 'please' instead of saying, "Give me". Most of the time.

She will now watch videos. When we first came home she wanted nothing to do with television. I know that's a good thing, but it's also nice to be able to put on a video while I take a shower or make dinner and know that she'll sit there and not get into trouble.

6 months ago Vera did not know how to give hugs or kisses. It took time and daily teaching, but she now gives the best hugs. And she says "I love you" all day long. "I luh you, Mommy. You GOOD mommy." She must say it 20 times a day. She says it even more after a tantrum. Sometimes I wonder if she has tantrums on purpose just to see if I'm still going to love her afterwards. The things she has tantrums over are strange. Last weekend I told Vera to go get dressed and you would've thought the world was coming to an end. As Vera thumped down the hallway to her room, screaming the whole way, Jon and I looked at each other and said, "Where did THAT come from?! Really? All that about getting dressed?" Jon and I believe that most of the time, if not all, she controls the tantrums. By that I mean that when it would seem to others like she's out of control with her screaming and crying, we just have to say the right thing and she stops. There's no slowing down like when a toddler is calming down from a fit. Vera's prized possession is still her watch. When she's in the middle of a long tantrum, if I tell her to stop screaming at Mommy, she will turn to my nearest ear and scream with all her might. But if I say "If you continue to scream at Mommy, you will lose your watch," she will always stop INSTANTLY. No slowing down or taking deep breaths. It's like she can flip a switch. I really don't like to threaten like that, but it's the only thing that makes her stop screaming. Some of you may disagree with this tactic, but we tell Vera that if she's going to act like a baby we're going to treat her like one and babies don't wear watches.

I can now take a shower and not have to worry what Vera is doing to the pets and others.

Going to regular places does not overwhelm Vera anymore. We can now go to church AND out to lunch with friends and we (usually) don't pay for it when we get home. I can take her grocery shopping and not worry about tantrums and stimming. We can have dinner with friends in their homes and we don't leave with a kicking, screaming Vera anymore. That's been a welcomed change.

Vera can now sit through church and Jon and I can sort of pay attention. Most Sundays. We do still sit in the very back close to a door since we still occasionally have to remove her because she chooses to misbehave. And I do mean she chooses it. The little smirk on her face tells us she knows exactly what she's doing. I just wish I knew why she enjoys making these little scenes. I know it's one of those control issues, but it never ends well for her.

Vera seems to be moving through the 'why' stage and is almost finished, I hope. I thought it was going to kill us all. She didn't just ask 'why' about normal things. If we said we liked something, she asked 'why?' (She still does this occasionally.) If I told her it was time for breakfast or time for bed, 'why?' If I said I was hungry, 'why?' She would ask things like, "Is this baftub?" "Yes." "Why?" She did that about everything from clothes to food to...everything in the house. "Why Mommy take shower?" "Why Mommy make dinner?" "Why Mommy wash dishes?" At the grocery store, she would ask 'why' about everything I put in the cart. "Why Mommy buy dis? Why Mommy buy dat?" She would literally ask 'why' from the time she got up til the time she went to bed. Oy! At PT, whenever the therapist would tell Vera to do something, she would ask 'why?' We had several talks about it and I told Vera that at PT, Miss Anitra is in charge and you don't ask 'why'. You just do it. We nipped that in the bud. Sweet, patient Anitra would take time to answer all of Vera's whys and more time was being spent in conversation than PT. I wasn't wasting my time or money on conversation!

And speaking of PT, Vera is doing such a great job! I wish we could afford to go more than once a week...it's been so good for Vera. We love her therapist, Miss Anitra. She is awesome! Just the right amount of firmness and fun. I'm still not sure what we're going to do when Vera's 20 visits covered by insurance are up for the year. I hate to give up Miss Anitra, though. We'd like to get a few more things so we can do more work at home...a Bosu ball for one. If any of you have one collecting dust or taking up needed space, I'd love to take it off your hands for you. And I need to get some sort of step stool for Vera so she can get in the van by herself. We want Vera to be as physically independent as possible. Plus, she's only going to keep growing and I'm not going to be able to lift her into the van forever. She could probably climb in, but it would be a slow, frustrating process. Plus we can't have the princess getting dirty, can we? Someone suggested an aerobic stool since they're wider and are more stable than a regular step stool. We also want to get Vera a tricycle, but they get a bit pricey when you need one big enough for a large 6 year old. And I'm betting it would need to be adapted a bit for her.

Vera rode this tricycle all the way down this very long hallway.

I was amazed that she could do it!

She loves the days that she gets to ride the tricycle at PT!

Something like this in pink would be perfect for her, don't you think?

We don't have the 'safe' conversation every day anymore, though it did come up for awhile when she lost her first tooth. The tooth fairy came. We learned the hard way that this was not a good idea. If the tooth fairy can get in and take her tooth, what's to stop the tooth fairy from taking Vera? What's to stop anyone else from getting in the house if the tooth fairy can get in? How can Vera be safe if the tooth fairy can just come in and take her teeth? So, no more tooth fairy. We really should've known better, but we hadn't had the 'safe' conversation in quite awhile. We just weren't thinking. If people come for a visit and spend the night, one of the first things Vera wants to know is if they will keep her safe. Will they hit and kick and bite anyone who tries to take her? It was one of the first things she asked my mom when she came to visit. We're getting ready for company this week and I'm very curious to see if Vera asks this question of them.

Vera LOVES co-op and was quite unhappy when I told her we took a break between Thanksgiving and the New Year. She asked me almost every day how many more days until we went to co-op. By the end of our first semester, her teachers could understand some of what she said. They were quite impressed with how far Vera had come since the beginning of the semester. I put her in the kindergarten class and it was a good fit for her. She is still way, way, WAY behind her peers in every way, but co-op has been good for her. Vera is looking forward to beginning her 2nd semester on Tuesday. A few weeks ago, one of the boys in Vera's Sunday School class made the comment that 'every 6 year old can write their name.' I confess that it stung a little and I wished I could plug Vera's ears that very second. He was sitting next to Vera and by the look on her face, she heard him. She understood. She knows that almost every kid in her co-op class and Sunday School class can write their names. She knows that she can't. Yet.

Notice anything odd about this photo?

No? That's because there isn't anything odd to see! Not anymore, anyway. Vera is using her RIGHT HAND to control the mouse. This is huge, people. HUGE! Vera used to use her stronger, left hand...awkward, isn't it?
We got Vera her very own computer game for Christmas and by day two of playing it, she was using her right hand for the mouse. We were very excited with this development. One of our goals has been to draw that right arm out from her body and using the mouse is doing just that. She loves her new game and thanks me for it every day that she gets to play it.

Remember when I shared the videos and begged for help with Vera's 'episodes'? Let me update about that as well. I've been meaning to for awhile. The long and short of it is that this has improved. I need to remind myself of that because it's definitely not over. Nor do I see an end in sight. Several of Vera's doctors have told us to interrupt Vera when she stims and not to let her do it. There are several reasons for this, but that's for another post. Vera does not try to stim at all times of the day anymore like she was doing when I wrote that post. Now it's only at bedtime and first thing in the morning. Occasionally she will start if music is playing. Sometimes she tries while we sing at church. Music is definitely a trigger, as is lying down. If she's ever playing on the floor and ends up lying down, she will try to stim. So we don't let her lay down during the day. At bedtime I remove anything that makes music from her room because when she wakes up she'll get those toys and stim to the music. We've been rocking her to sleep in an effort to break the bedtime stimming habit. She was waking up with normal hair. Until recently. We discovered that she's been faking falling asleep and would stim when we laid her down and left her room. She is quite a good, little faker. She still sucks her fingers at bedtime and she would relax, her fingers would fall out of her mouth, her arm would fall to her side. Anyone would believe she's asleep. But Jon and I were on to her since her morning hair is our gauge. We began lying her down and pretending to leave her room. As soon as she thought we had left and shut the door, she would start her rocking. It was immediate. And SO frustrating! Now that we're on to her, we stay in her room long after lying her down until we're positive that she's asleep. We noticed that Vera recently started brushing her own hair in the mornings and realized she was trying to hide her stimming. Yep, she's a smart one. She also figured out how I knew when she stimmed in the mornings. I could always hear her feet kicking the floor. Her solution? She now stays in bed and stims so I don't hear the thumping. So then I was listening on the baby monitor for her odd breathing. We just put in a video monitor so we can watch and not guess about what Vera is doing at bedtime and first thing in the morning. It had gotten to the point that I was hardly sleeping because I was always listening for Vera's stimming breathing. This momma needed a good night's rest, let me tell ya! We've had the video monitor for two days now and it is my new best friend. I wish we had bought it months ago!

All in all, we really have come a LONG way over the past 6 months. People keep reminding me that we have 6 YEARS of institutionalization to overcome. The past 6 months, well 7 really, have probably been the hardest, most stressful months of my entire life. I can't even imagine how hard and stressful they've been for Vera. While Vera was thrown into it with people she barely knew, with a language she couldn't speak, in a culture quite different from her own, I had/have an awesome circle of support. I wish I could put into words just how thankful I am for the love, meals, encouragement, help and prayers that we've received. As much I'd like it to be, it's not going to be a short, easy road. But nothing worth doing is ever easy, right? I know I couldn't do this without God, Jon, my big kids and all of you who have lavished so much love and care upon us.

Happy 6 Month Anniversary Home, Vera!

Mine

Whatever is under the whole heaven is Mine.

Job 41:11

If I never hear the word 'Mine' again, it will be too soon. Vera doesn't ask if EVERY SINGLE THING in the house is hers multiple times a day anymore, but it does still come up daily. "Is this mine?" She asks the question about things that she's asked about at least a hundred times. Does she think the answer is going to change? A few weeks ago she asked me if the videos are hers. I told her for the 192nd time that no, the movies are for everyone, but that she could watch them if she wanted to. That led to her removing a whole shelf of movies and dumping them on the floor as she screamed, "MINE! MINE!". Which led to a consequence which led to a tantrum which escalated to a rage.

Sigh.

Mine. The worst 4 letter word in the dictionary if you ask me.

I know all kids go through the 'mine' stage. But with Vera it is so intense.

We got our Christmas tree up this week. Finally! Last year when we put all our Christmas things away, I filled a box of ornaments for Leanna so that when we got our things out this year she would feel included. One of the ornaments has a baby picture of her. Another one has a photo of her from last summer when she was here. Another is a pretty, sparkly "L." We needed new stockings anyway, so one day after Christmas Abbi and I set out shopping and found 6 new stockings for our family.

The other day I was marveling at how God worked this for good.

As soon as the boxes of ornaments came out Vera started asking where hers were. She didn't want to know IF there were any for her. She wanted to know which ones were hers. Sometimes I wonder what she's thinking. She'll look at our family picture in the living room (which we really need to update!) and ask why she's not in it. She'll take out photo albums and ask where she is. Why doesn't she have a baby album like the older 3 kids? We went to Illinois last week for Thanksgiving and we drove by the apartment we lived in when Jacob was born. We were pointing things out to him and from the back we hear Vera ask, "Why not me?" As in, why wasn't she there too? So, what is she thinking? Does she think I gave birth to her, dropped her off in a Ukrainian baby house and came back 6 years later to bring her home? I wish I knew.

Anyway, the way God prompted me last year to have ornaments and a stocking ready for this year just amazes me. I removed the ornaments with photos of Leanna and gave the box to Vera. She looked at me and asked, 'these mine?' Oh, she was thrilled to have her own box of ornaments to help decorate the tree. And decorate she did.

My Christmas elves.

This last photo was taken shortly after a tantrum. After we finished the tree, Vera was trying to find one of her ornaments. Do you see how big the tree is? Do you have any idea how many ornaments we have? I told Vera I had no idea where this one particular ornament was but that it was okay because I didn't know where all of mine were either. And Jacob didn't know where all of his were and Caleb didn't know where all of his were, etc., etc. But I DO know that they are all on the tree somewhere. Well, that wasn't good enough and Vera started to cry. So the big kids were taking ornaments off asking Vera, "Is this the one you're looking for?" No. No. No. More crying. I pulled Vera onto my lap and tried to tell her that it really didn't matter where her ornaments were. They were all on the tree and they would stay on the tree until after Christmas and then we'd take them all off and wrap them all back up and put them back in the boxes until next Christmas.

Well, that did it.

She started screaming, "MINE! MINE!" She wanted to take her ornaments off the tree and put them in her room. I repeated the above, that all the ornaments would stay on the tree until after Christmas and then they would all get put away. I told her we keep them all together so that none of them get lost.

She wouldn't have it. The crying and screaming continued.

I gave Vera the choice of calming down and staying in the living room with the family or going to her room by herself if she was going to keep crying. It was almost 7 and I hadn't even started dinner yet. She got up and walked to her room, screaming the whole way. Sometimes she just needs a few minutes alone to pull herself together. I was hoping this was one of those times. When Vera came out of her room a few minutes later, we took this photo.
The other day something hit me. It was one of those "DUH" moments and I couldn't believe I hadn't put it together before now. I have several pictures of Vera at her orphanage opening gifts. On at least 3 different occasions. I never saw one of those gifts when we were there. We didn't even come home with the gifts we gave to Vera the first day we met her. A few of the things were Abbi's and had sentimental value. I was looking forward to having pictures of Abbi AND Vera playing with a few of these things. I will never have those photos. I know it's not that big of a deal and I should get over it. I'm trying, but I'm still a bit bitter about it. We brought those things to Vera because we wanted her to have them. Where did they go? We know they were in her locker the day before we busted her out. But when we cleaned out her locker the next day, the things we had brought her were gone. I didn't realize it at the time or I would've asked. It was such an emotional, roller-coaster-of-a-day the last thing I was thinking about was what was coming out of Vera's locker.

Anyway, what about the other gifts that I have photos of Vera opening? Where did they go? Why weren't they in her locker? NO WONDER she has issues with 'mine.' Everything that was ever given to her was taken away! We've been home almost 5 months and I'm still not over coming home without the gifts we gave to Vera. How much harder is it for a 6 year old to get over having her gifts taken away? Perhaps my new understanding will give me an extra dose of patience the next time 'mine' comes up.

Blessed are those who find wisdom, those who gain understanding.

Proverbs 3:13

A Big Day - and Marietta was There!

Ha! You thought I was kidding, didn't you, Marietta?!

Look at this picture.

See anything significant?

I do.

We couldn't have taken this picture a week ago.

Why?

Because a week ago Vera would have PANICKED on uneven ground.

She would've yelled and grabbed my hand for dear life.

Walk on grass alone?

And not just grass...hilly grass.

Forget it.

A week ago she would've dropped to her knees and crawled.

A week ago she certainly would not have let go of my hand to go chase a ball.

Today at our homeschool game day...

she did just that!

(She's on the far left...just in case you didn't realize that's Vera.)

She was WALKING all over that uneven grass!

Do you know where I was?

See the red awning in the above photo?

Yeah.

That's where I was.

Telling Dana and Marietta how amazing it was that Vera was OUT THERE

Alone

Not holding anyone's hand

Not panicking,

On her FEET

Chasing a ball

With all the other kids.

We all got teary eyed watching Vera play.

Somebody (I shall not mention names) was very excited to

see one of my blog posts happen LIVE and in person!

Vera played HARD today.

After chasing the ball in the grass, the big girls helped Vera climb on the playground.

You can see Abbi on the left (above) running to get to the top to help pull Vera up...

Vera got a little stuck at this point.

But such sweet victory awaited her at the top!

Vera LOVED playing with the big girls today!

Vera played hard for several hours.

She was all over the place!

She was exhausted when we finally loaded up the van to head home.

Marietta, I didn't tell you about the other significant

happening that you witnessed today.

You saw what happened, but you probably didn't see the significance.

Some of the kids were getting ready to play another round of hide & seek.

Vera was accidentally nudged as the group began to scatter and hide.

It was a nudge that you and I would probably not notice.

But it was a nudge that caused Vera to lose her balance.
It was one of those mommy moments that you see happening

but there's nothing you can do to stop it.

She fell. She fell hard.

The fall included her slamming the

back of her head on the concrete parking lot.

Her glasses flew off and everything.

It was a hard fall.

And Vera cried.

She sought comfort from me.

I was right there and immediately dropped down to the ground next to her.

She let me pull her into my lap and rock her and kiss her and wipe away her tears.

That wouldn't have happened just a few weeks ago.

A short time ago Vera would have seen me coming

and put up her hand to wave me away.

She would've said, "No, no, no!"

But not today.

Today she let me mommy her.

A big day, indeed.

Vera had her evaluation for occupational therapy this week.

She can't cut a straight line.

She can't draw a straight line from one point to another 2 inches long.

She can't draw a closed circle.

She can't draw two perpendicular lines (like a cross).

She can't string beads.

She can't stack more than 5 blocks.

She can't do many things that a 6 year old should be able to do.

I know it must sound like I'm focusing on what Vera can't do.

I'm not.

I'm focusing on what Vera WILL DO!

I'm putting it here because someday very soon

I'm going to read this post and say

"Oh yeah! I remember when Vera couldn't do those things.

Look at her now!"

Just like I did today.

How Long?

I have some very cool news to share, but I'm waiting on a few more details. I also need to tell you about Vera's awesome AFO's, EEG & MRI results, stimming and other updates.

In the meantime...

We just concluded a very long, bad week with Vera. Very long. Very bad. Bad. Bad. Bad.

Vera started physical therapy last Friday, and it was awesome! I am so excited that we have finally gotten to this point. PT is going to be GREAT for Vera! But, it is also going to wear her out. She was a noodle by the time the PT finished with her last week. A tired, 40 pound noodle. A couple of friends of ours had already told us not to plan anything else on the days Vera has PT because she will be tired. They were so right. We got home and Vera had a tantrum almost instantly. She was just plain mad that I made her walk up the stairs. And she let me know she was mad. And I still made her walk up the stairs.

Abbi went to a sleep over last Friday. She's been to several the past few weeks. Vera had been screaming since arriving home from PT, so during one quiet moment I hugged Abbi and told her, 'Just in case Vera is screaming when your ride comes. Have a great time. I love you.' Vera quit screaming a few minutes before Abbi left. My friend who picked Abbi up noticed Vera's tear streaked face and asked if she was upset. Upset was putting it mildly.

Jon's parents came for a visit last weekend. His dad has been here several times since we've been home with Vera, but we hadn't seen Jon's mom since we first got home. We had been telling Vera for a few days that Grandma and Grandpa were coming soon for a visit. We were all very excited.

Jon and I battled with Vera all weekend. I don't even remember the last time we had such a bad string of days like that. Everything was a fight. With few exceptions, Vera was defiant and disobedient every waking moment. It was exhausting, both physically and mentally. I think Vera spent more time IN time out than out of it last weekend. The rages even returned. Fun. Jon's parents got to see the absolute worst side of Vera. It was so bad that Jon brought these home for me on Monday. Yep. It was that bad. I was so discouraged that we had returned here.

A wonderful friend has been bringing us dinner every Thursday the past few weeks. Yesterday she asked me how everything was going. I told her about our horrible, no good, very bad weekend and she helped me brainstorm a few possible triggers. I had been thinking all week that it had to something with Jon's mom being here. Like I said, Jon's dad has been here several times and spent the night and Vera was fine. Why was she such a stinker when Rita was here? The conclusion I came to was that maybe having two women here stressed Vera out. I'm sure to Vera it was similar to the orphanage having multiple women around. We've had many women come and go since we've been home, mostly to bring meals, but none of them have stayed long or spent the night. And even though Jon's mom didn't do any caring for Vera, maybe just the presence of another woman was too much for Vera.

My friend had another suggestion...maybe Vera was scared that with another woman here, I was going to leave. Or maybe she was scared that Roger and Rita were going to take her away.

Bingo!

Fear.

This week I got out Beyond Consequences, Logic and Control and did some reading. It reminded me that everything Vera did last weekend was likely a response to fear. But what in the world would she have to fear? Doesn't she know by now that she's safe here? I mean, it's been a whole 2 1/2 months...how long is it going to take?

I know. You're probably all saying, "DUH, Amy!" Some things are so obvious to people on the outside looking in. When you're in the trenches all day, every day it's not always possible to come up for air and catch your breath. I am so thankful for friends I can spill all the ugly details to without fear of judgment. I think my friend hit the nail on the head.

From

Beyond Consequences, Logic and Control:

A Love Based Approach to Helping Children with Severe Behaviors -

"A defiant child is essentially a scared child. For children with trauma histories, it can be any request from the parent that creates a feeling of threat. A parental request at any level (yes, simply being asked to take out the trash or simply to put on his shoes) can be one that shifts the child into a fear state due to perceiving the directive as a threat. Dependent on the history, the child may be actually terrified. In that moment, the child cannot determine whether the parent's request is safe or not. He immediately goes into freeze mode, and then becomes defiant to the parent's request. In that moment, the child has to be defiant. There is no other alternative. The essence of defiance is fear. This is a traumatic stress issue. It is not an issue of the child working to control or manipulate the parent. It is not an issue of the child testing the limits or baiting the parent to see how he can make his parent become emotionally reactive. Defiance is a fundamental issue of feeling threatened and overwhelmed with fear."

Vera and I have had the same conversation multiple times a day this week. It goes like this:

"Mommy stop? Vera no take?" (Translation, Mommy will stop people who try to take Vera?)

"Yes, Mommy will stop anyone who tries to take Vera. No one will take Vera away."

"And Daddy stop? No take Vera?"

"Yes, Daddy will stop anyone who tries to take Vera."

"And Toby bite?"

"Yes, Toby will bite anyone who tries to take Vera."

"Vera stay Mommy."
"Yes, Vera stays with Mommy."

"And Daddy."

"Yes, Vera stays with Mommy and Daddy."

"And Jacob and Caleb and Abbi."

"Yes, we all stay together. We're family."

"And Toby and Phoebe."

"Yes, the dog and cat too. We all stay together. We're a family."

Every day.

At least 3 times. Usually more.

We have had this conversation.

All week long.

So...do you think she was scared last weekend?

Do you think maybe she thought someone was going to take her away?

Bless her little heart.

Slowly but surely Vera has gotten back to herself this week. Yesterday was the BEST day Vera has had in awhile. She was in my lap most of the afternoon which is unusual for her. She's a busy girl and doesn't like to sit much. We read lots of books. We watched a short video. We had tea and granola bars. And we had this conversation.

"Vera Mommy's?"
"Yes, Vera is Mommy's."
"And Mommy Vera's?"
"Yes and Mommy is Vera's."

"And Jacob and Caleb and Abbi?"

"Yes, Mommy is Jacob's and Caleb's and Abbi's and Vera's."

"Mommy nice. Kiss my cheek?"

And I kissed her cheek.

"Fank uh, Mommy. Vera kiss Mommy."

And she kissed me.

And then we had the first conversation again.

Twice.

Fear.

How long will Vera live with fear?

How long will she wonder if someone is going to take her away the way we took her away from the only life she's ever known?

How long will she be scared that I'm going to leave her at every doctor visit?

How long until she knows she belongs here and is here to stay?

How long?

I just have to add this in...as I'm getting ready to hit Publish Post, Vera brings me a piece of paper with a picture that she drew of an airplane. She has also written a note on it. With a big smile she tells me that it says, "I love you so much. Big hug."

How long until she knows I love HER so much?

A Puzzle

Okay.

Wow!

If I had known the response my previous post was going to bring, I would have shared videos LONG ago! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! You have all encouraged me SO MUCH! To everyone who shared with me, to everyone who is praying, THANK YOU!! I read every comment, every email, every message. I read every link that was shared. I am so humbled to have so many friends on this journey with us. Vera is loved by so many...once again I stand amazed.

Vera was in the tub the other day and I was pondering some of your messages. I realized that I feel like I'm putting a puzzle together. I keep finding new pieces and I'm trying to fit pieces together that just don't seem to fit. It's like I'm starting with the middle pieces but I need to put together the edges first. You're all helping me put this puzzle together and I am so grateful.

I thought I'd try to answer some of your questions and share a little more. Maybe you can help me brainstorm some things I'm not thinking of. I wish you could all come over for coffee and let me pick your brains. I guess this is the next best thing.

So many of you mentioned sensory issues...I had not even considered that. I do not know a thing about sensory input/needs. Nada. I'm clueless. Many of you shared similar ideas that we're going to try. I'm looking at weighted blankets. They're a bit pricey though so if you have a recommendation for a certain one, let me know. Vera does sleep all night once she's asleep. But she is waking up with a bird's nest on the back of her head again. It hasn't looked this bad since we had her in Ukraine. :( We do rock her before bed each night, but she's obviously still swaying more than normal once we lay her down. We're definitely going to do a bean box/table for Vera to play in. Much less messy than sand and we can do that inside. I have reserved The Out of Sync Child and several other sensory related books at the library. We're looking at swings too...one for outside and one for inside. And from what so many of you shared, I'll be showing the videos to the OT as well as the neurologist. Unfortunately our appointment with the OT is not until next month.

So, a little more to this puzzle. Vera used to primarily do her 'thing' at bedtime. She may have done it once or twice during the day, but only for a few minutes each time. Last week she started doing it anytime we did not have her engaged. She would only play with playdough if someone was actively engaged with her at the same time. I can't put her at the kitchen table with playdough and try to do some school with the older 3 (with all of us at the table together). She wants somebody's undivided attention at all times. She wouldn't color unless someone was coloring with her. She wouldn't play with anything unless someone was playing with her. If no one was actively engaged WITH her (not just next to her), she would lay down and do her thing. This just started the week before last. On Saturday I kept her busy almost all day. We played in the water table outside. We came in and had lunch and then got the playdough out. We read books, we colored, Vera had a long bath and we did a few other activities. I finally left Vera to make dinner and no one else was playing with her. She immediately laid down and started her thing. Sigh.

Vera will do her thing with or without music. She definitely prefers to do it with music, but if I'm doing school with the other kids and she can't play her music, she'll just lay down and start. I'm trying to figure out why, all of the sudden, she is doing her thing so frequently and for so long each time. I should also tell you that if we have a really busy day or we're gone most of the day and Vera doesn't have a chance to do her thing, she will most likely have a tantrum. And she'll definitely have a hard time falling asleep that night. I mentioned in my last post that her episodes are getting more 'violent'. I don't mean that she's angry or aggressive when she does this. Maybe 'intense' is a better word. She used to be much calmer during her episodes.

I don't believe that food or bathroom issues are a trigger. She'll stop herself and use the bathroom and then go right back to it. She'll stop and have a snack or a meal and go right back to it. We have not had any big issues with food or bathroom happenings since being home.

Several of you told me that your child(ren) had setbacks right around the 2 month anniversary of being home. Our 2 month anniversary is tomorrow. That could be a trigger. But why, I wonder? What's so special about 2 months?

Starting school could be another clue. We homeschool and now the big kids and I are not available every waking second to play with Vera. It's been a hard adjustment for her. That could be part of the increase too.

The weekend before we started school, Vera got her glasses and started patching. That could be another trigger. She's seeing the world in a new way and it could be hard and overwhelming to process. (Thank you to who shared that thought with me...I hadn't even considered it.)

Vera also mentioned her favorite nanny and Ukraine a few times last week and lots over the weekend. It could be that she's feeling more comfortable and settled in her new life with us and the grieving is beginning. Along those lines, we aren't having many control issues these days. Could that be part of it too? Maybe she's realizing it's okay to let Mommy and Daddy be in charge. And maybe that's a little scary. OR maybe this is her new control thing.

I was thinking that the jerking her arms and legs do during an episode was involuntary, but I really don't know anymore. The other day Vera started her thing and Jon laid down on the floor next to her. He asked her what she was doing and she made the motions and demonstrated it. She also pushed him away. But she obviously knows what she's doing. Some of you suggested it's some sort of dance that Vera is doing...could very well be. But she'll sometimes jerk her arms and legs in the very same way while sitting up...at the dinner table, in the van, on the toilet, etc. I was thinking it was involuntary because when she jerks on the toilet or at the dinner table she yells and panics like she's going to fall off the seat. It seems like it takes her by surprise. That makes me think she didn't mean to do it. But I could be wrong. Or, maybe when she's sitting up it is involuntary, but when she's laying down she enjoys being able to control it.

Some of you mentioned that your child did/does something similar to what Vera does and it's almost like a 'high.' Yes. Exactly. Vera definitely gets pleasure from doing this. She does get a 'high', 'buzzed' look on her face while she's doing her thing. Saturday afternoon when I left her to make dinner and she started, about 5 minutes into it, she let out a huge laugh...a deep down belly laugh. I don't know what was so funny, but she was obviously enjoying herself. I guess that scares me a bit. I don't want her to become addicted to this behavior or become obsessed with it. And right now that is how it seems. Just because she enjoys it and it brings her pleasure, doesn't necessarily mean it's good for her. But, maybe it is.

Needless to say, I am not freaking out like I was last week. I appreciate SO MUCH all of your comments, messages, prayers and encouragement. I think you've all pointed me in the right direction and I am much more at peace. There are still many questions and many more unknowns, but like so many of you said, it's only been 2 months. Goodness, she has come so far in two months. I will focus on the good!

AND, dare I say it, we have reached the milestone I've been waiting to reach. ONE WHOLE WEEK without a tantrum!! She still had a few little fits and time-outs, but NO TANTRUMS!! Can I get an amen, please?!

Pediatricians, Orthopedists, and Therapists! Oh My!

Well, two of Vera's doctor appointments have come and gone. 2 of about a gazillion if I've done my math correctly. Our first appointment was on Tuesday with the pediatrician. A friend of mine recommended this doctor to us while we were in Ukraine. This particular pediatrician has worked with lots of kids adopted from Eastern Europe and she speaks Russian. Score! At first I was a bit bummed that we couldn't get Vera in to see any doctors until this week...almost 6 weeks home. But God knows so well. We've spent the last 6 weeks at home keeping things quiet and boring, building trust. Yesterday Jon and I got to witness first-hand how much trust has been built.

So, we went to World of Pediatrics in Alpharetta...about a 45 minute drive. This was our first visit which meant lots needed to be done. When I made the appointment I was told that this will be a long visit..."it could last almost an hour." Okay. No problem. Because of the length of these appointments, the doctor prefers to do them at the end of the day. Our appointment was at 6 pm. We left the office at 8:45. Almost 3 hours. By the time we got home it was after 9:30. WAY past Vera's bedtime. On the way home Vera kept trying to lay down in the van saying, "Mommy. Please. Sleep." My thoughts exactly.

Oh, but I am NOT complaining. We LOVE Dr. Vayman! She was awesome with Vera! Everyone in the office was awesome with Vera. I have never had such personal treatment with any of the kids' doctors and staff. They were so sincere and genuine and they just loved Vera. I had been second-guessing myself thinking "maybe we should just bring Vera to our regular pediatrician. She's just down the street." But I am so glad Jon encouraged me to keep our appointment with Dr. Vayman. I can't say enough good things about her and her staff.

When we arrived we had to wait in the waiting room for a few minutes while the receptionist got all our information put into the computer. They called us back and Vera was happy and smiling...until we got to the exam room.

Fear.

Panic.

Tears.

Vera cried, shook her head and said, "No ouchie! No ouchie!" The last time she saw a doctor was last summer when she had surgery on her legs. She remembers it vividly. She remembers the incredible pain she was in. She remembers crying a lot. She remembers being angry with her nannies for sending her there. She was so scared when we walked into the little room Tuesday night. We sat down and Jon pulled Vera onto her lap. We told Vera that no one was going to hurt her. We told her we were going to talk to the doctor and then the doctor would look at her. But no one would hurt her. We told her we'd be there for just a little bit and then we'd go home and get ready for bed. We didn't want her to think we were leaving her there. Vera calmed down and stopped crying. But she was still nervous. She sat on Jon's lap and sucked on her fingers. But she did NOT freak out. She did NOT scream and tantrum. She understood us. She believed us. She trusted us.

Dr. Vayman came in and I was instantly glad we had chosen her. She went right to Vera, looked her in the eye and started speaking to her. Vera smiled big when Dr. Vayman spoke Russian to her. This was another big answer to prayer. Really the main reason I was second guessing where we should take Vera for her first pediatrician appointment - I've heard many stories of kids hearing their native language after being adopted and being filled with fear that they were being sent back to the orphanage. They regressed. It was like starting all over...just from hearing their native language. I wasn't really worried that Vera would regress, but the thought was certainly in the back of my mind. What if...

I had no reason to worry! We could tell Vera was still nervous, but she never cried again. Dr. Vayman went back and forth speaking Russian and English to Vera. Vera answered most of the questions in English. Dr. Vayman was impressed with how much English Vera already knows. When it was time to put Vera on the table to check her over, she panicked a bit, but Jon and I were both right there with her. She calmed right down. She let the doctor do the exam and then it was just adult talk for a long time. Vera was so patient. Dr. Vayman was able to tell me some things I didn't know from the medical records from the orphanage that didn't get translated. She was great about waiting on some things for us. We wanted this to be a good experience for Vera and asked for a no needle visit this time. Next week we'll begin all the tests. They will need to take lots of blood from poor, little Vera to check her for everything under the sun. And the best part (not!) is the stool samples. I get to collect six, count 'em, SIX stool samples over the next 2 weeks. They have to be collected 3 days apart from each other and taken to the lab within 3 days. Jon will get to do the dropoffs...the lab is close to his work. Aren't you envious now? Stool samples. Fun times, people. Fun times. Oh, and Vera also got to pee in a cup...what a fun experience. We have a seat for Vera at home because she can't yet hold herself up on the toilet. Well, I couldn't hold Vera on the toilet AND hold the cup underneath her so Jon got to hold her while I held the cup. While Vera told us how silly we are.

Yesterday morning I had to wake Vera up (which is a sin in the Evans family...similar to waking a sleeping baby) to take her to see the orthopedist for the first time. She opened her eyes, looked at me and said, "No bye bye. No bye bye." Poor thing. She has no idea what's in store for her. I told her it would be a short bye bye and not long like the night before. If only I had known...

Jon met us at the office. Vera did great again. Praise the Lord! No fear yesterday. No tears. Not even when the doctor examined her little legs. The orthopedist was great with Vera and we LOVE him! They took a few X-rays of Vera and she did GREAT! Her spine is perfectly straight (thank You, Lord) and her hips are in perfect position (thank You again, Lord)! That may not be the case as she grows. If her thigh muscles tighten up when she has growth spurts, they could pull her hips out of alignment. But we'll cross that bridge if we come to it. The orthopedist wrote prescriptions for Vera's AFO's (leg braces) and also referred us to a neurologist and physiatrist (bet you don't know what THAT is!). He also wrote prescriptions for physical therapy, occupational therapy and speech therapy.

Did you hear that? I hear it in my sleep.

Cha ching. Cha ching. Cha ching.

After we saw the orthopedist, we went next door to make an appointment to get Vera fitted for her AFO's. I am so excited to finally get her in the AFO's. I'm not looking forward to the fights that I'm sure we're going to have in the beginning, but I cannot wait to get her legs straight and get her walking easier. I filled out paperwork and the receptionist told me someone would be right with me. We were SO thankful they could get Vera in RIGHT THEN to be fitted and we didn't have to schedule another appointment. The man who took care of us was wonderful with Vera. She was so tired by this point and we kept telling her we were almost done and then we'd go home and have lunch. The orthotist was great and explained everything he was doing as he was doing it. Our only (very minor) annoyance was how he added 'ums' to the end of every other word. "Okay Vera. Now I just need to get my scissor-ums and cut-ums this off of your leg-ums. Yep." I am not exaggerating. That's how he talked to her the whole time. And he added 'yep' to the end of EVERY sentence. When we left and Vera and I were saying goodbye to Jon, I told him to have fun at work-ums, yep. Anyway, we got to pick the pattern and color for Vera's AFO's...no yucky white for the princess! We (I) chose pretty pink with lavender butterflies. And of course the straps will be pink.

Vera sees the opthamologist tomorrow. I would really appreciate prayers. For some reason I am really nervous about this appointment. I spent this morning making appointments with the neurologist, physical therapist, occupational therapist, speech therapist, etc. I almost have our insurance information memorized. If you saw my calendar, you would cry. I almost did by the time I was done making all the appointments. I still need to schedule her first dentist appointment. Sigh. Oh, and we start school on Monday. Welcome to life at the Evans!

Last but not least, here are some pictures of the kids. My grandma's birthday is next week, and I wanted to send pictures in her card. Vera was SO excited when I told her we were going to take pictures.

If you've ever heard her giggle, you can almost hear it when you look at this photo.

My four treasures.