I've been dreading writing this post. But it must be said.
I've come to the ironic conclusion that children do not belong in orphanages.
Duh!
Children belong with families...mommies and daddies and maybe a sibling or two...or three...or four...or sometimes more or sometimes none. But they definitely belong with mommies and daddies. Nannies and caregivers are just that. Nannies and caregivers don't say, "I love you." Nannies and caregivers don't give hugs. They don't comfort when a child is hurt. Most nannies and caregivers (that we've seen) do their best, but when you're responsible for 11 - 15 kids at one time, there's only so much you can do.
Sigh.
I am so thankful for all the time we've been able to spend with Vera here and that we've had a glimpse into her life over the past 6 years. We love this girl DEARLY and she is an Evans for sure. When I stop to ponder how perfect she is for our family...well, it makes me weepy. When I stop to ponder how much you all will adore her...well, it makes tears fall down my cheeks. You will all love her bunches. She has already brought so much joy to Jon and I and I know she will bring even more to our whole family and each of you once we get her home where she belongs. I know I've said it before, but Vera is a treasure. Our treasure. We have 3 amazing kids at home and now we're adding one more to the mix. Why are we so blessed? I'll let you know when I figure it out.
Vera doesn't cry when she's hurt. Have I told you that? She's had a few injuries during our visits...she's been bonked in the eye (and it swelled up a bit) and knocked in the head by a wooden swing. She's fallen countless times...several were 'big' falls and I was prepared for tears. Nope. She has never cried. Her eyes teared up a few of those times, but the tears never fell. She would wipe them away and move on. We have seen how the children in her group are comforted, and I use that word loosely, when they're hurt. It's minimal. Sometimes it's just words across the playground. Sometimes it's by pinching the child's cheeks...like that's what you want if you're hurt. Every now and then a crying child will be placed next to a caregiver. I have yet to see a child hugged or held. I have yet to see a child sit in someone's lap. It's weird to say, but I'm looking forward to Vera's first injury that causes her to cry and seek comfort from Jon or I.
Vera doesn't know how to seek comfort or be comforted.
She doesn't know how to be held, but she's learning.
She doesn't know how to hug or be hugged, but she's learning.
She's 6. She should have hugging down by now.
Sigh.
Children do not belong in orphanages.
I have yet to see a child in Vera's group play with a toy. Her room is FULL of great books and toys. They have been in the exact same positions on the shelves since our first day here. I don't know why, but I took a mental photo that day. Nothing has moved. No toy has been played with. No book has been read. WHY?
Jon and I were commenting a few days ago that the only times we have seen Vera's group actually play is when they're on the little fenced in playground. And they only go to the little playground when a certain caregiver is there. One of Vera's (and ours) favorite people. She was gone for a week. Vera's group was not on the playground that whole, entire week. Do you know what we've seen them do instead of play?
They sit. They walk.
The group comes outside every day if it's not raining. We've seen them sit, for over an hour (sometimes our whole 2 hour visit), with no toys. They just sit in the shade on blankets or on benches. They sit and stare at the world around them. It seems so cruel to me. They're children. They're 2, 3 and 4 year olds. They should be running and squealing and playing tag. The boys should be pretending all the sticks around them are swords. They should be playing with balls and trucks and dolls. They should be smelling all the beautiful flowers around them and eating the ripening cherries off the trees.
Sometimes, instead of sitting, they walk. One day they did 3 slow loops around the grounds. About every 30 minutes, Vera's group would pass us. Vera would be playing in the sand or eating berries off a tree and here would come her group. 12 or so kids ages 2 to 4. Walking in circles. Never veering off the cement path. Never exploring all the awesome trees and flowers on the grounds. Never going down the slide or teeter-tottering or playing in the sand. Never running. I haven't seen any of these children run.
They sit.
And they walk.
One day we picked Vera up from her room and the kids were sitting all lined up in their little wooden chairs watching a soap opera. It may have been in Russian, but a soap opera is a soap opera no matter what country you're in. When we returned Vera over 2 hours later, her group was still sitting there in the same wooden chairs watching TV.
Another day when we arrived for our visit, no one was is in the big room, but we could hear the caregivers' voices. I ventured in and got a peek into the other room, the one I thought was their bedroom. I didn't see any beds, but there were a few little couches. The kids were all sitting on the little couches. Just sitting. The children were not talking...just sitting and staring.
I got to have lunch with Vera on Friday. Well, I got to go into her room during lunch and watch Vera eat with her group.
I cried on the way home.
Children do not belong in orphanages.
They started with borscht and bread.
See the darling one next to Vera with the pony tail on top of her head? That's 'Lisa.' She's the one who wanted me to pick her up when we first met Vera. She's the one who snuggled up next to Jon and patted his arm. She's the one who wraps herself around my legs every chance she gets. She's the one who will be on our hearts and minds when we leave here. I don't know 'Lisa's' story. I don't even know if she's adoptable. But she's the one. Jon and I discussed it and neither of us believe that Lisa is ours...but she is somebody's. Could she be yours?
See the beautiful girl on the right (below)? That's 'Nice Girl.' I don't know her story either, but I do think she's had visitors. One day while we were waiting for Vera (the kids are usually in tank tops and underwear, but sometimes they put a dress on Vera for our visits), I peeked in each and every locker in Vera's group. I wanted to cry. 10 of these children only have hats and shoes. And really, those hats and shoes belong to the orphanage. 10 of these children have nothing. Nothing to call their own. The 3 that had other things in their lockers were Vera (who has had several visitors), 'Allie' who we've seen several times with who we assume is her father, and Nice Girl, who must have had a visitor because she has a purse and a few other things in her locker.
Anyway, lunch was interesting. This (below) was the only time I could get Vera to look at me. I kept trying to talk to her, but she was very intent on her lunch. I think I figured out why. It was eerily quiet. There was no talking except the caregivers telling a little one to be careful (I assume). 13 kids, ages 2 - 4, and not one of them spoke a word during lunch. The only sound was the silverware clanking against the bowls and plates. I've taught pre-school and I remember what lunch with 15 three-year-olds was like. It was not like this.
Lisa and Nice Girl paid me a lot of attention. Aren't they just precious? After the soup bowls were taken away, the children were given plates with potatoes, green onions and another piece of bread. They wasted no time in digging in. Vera was taking such huge bites I kept telling her to slow down or she would choke. The others ate the same way. Quickly and with huge bites that were barely chewed before they swallowed. Vera finished her food and a caregiver started walking towards our table. Nice Girl started shoveling food into her mouth. I didn't realize what was going on until the caregiver reached for Nice Girl's plate. She was almost done and was still shoveling bites in as fast as she could. And away went her plate. Nice Girl wasn't done. She would've finished her food. Her eyes teared up as her plate was taken away with a few bites still on it. She wasn't done. She wanted to finish her lunch. Her mouth was so full from shoveling in those last bites that she could hardly chew.
Obviously these kids aren't starving. I have not seen one child here that looks malnourished in any way. For this, I am so thankful. So many people have told us that this is one of the nicest orphanages in Ukraine. I don't doubt that at all. It was just heartbreaking to watch the caregivers shove HUGE bites of food into little 2 year old mouths who hardly got to chew and swallow before the next huge bite of food was shoved into their mouths. What is the rush?
I don't understand this place. These children do not belong here. Why are they here? Where are their parents? Why have we let the orphan crisis become a crisis? These children need families. These children need to PLAY. These children need someone to hug them every day and tell them they are LOVED. The only sense I can make of their smiles that come so easily is that God watches over and upholds the fatherless.
This past week was hard for me. I cried a lot and had a good ole pity party. Was I crying because I miss my kids at home? ABSOLUTELY! I literally ache to hug my 3 oldest children at home. I knew being away for this long would be hard, but I had no idea it was going to be like this. And really, the first 3 weeks, though long, went pretty quickly. I missed the kids, but not like I have this week. But that's not the only reason for all the tears this week. I have cried for 'Lisa' and Nice Girl and so many other children that we've seen every day. So many other children that call us Mama and Papa. So many other children who need someone to come get them. So many other children living each day without hugs and 'I love you's.' So many children...
Children do not belong in orphanages.
I will leave you with Dueteronomy 10: 12 - 21. This passage has been such a comfort to me as I have sojourned in a land that is not my own.
"And now, Israel, what does the Lord your God require of you, but to fear the Lord your God, to walk in all his ways, to love him, to serve the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul, and to keep the commandments and statutes of the Lord, which I am commanding you today for your good? Behold, to the Lord your God belong heaven and the heaven of heavens, the earth with all that is in it. Yet the Lord set his heart in love on your fathers and chose their offspring after them, you above all peoples, as you are this day. Circumcise therefore the foreskin of your heart, and be no longer stubborn. For the Lord your God is God of gods and Lord of lords, the great, the mighty, and the awesome God, who is not partial and takes no bribe. He executes justice for the fatherless and the widow, and loves the sojourner, giving him food and clothing. Love the sojourner, therefore, for you were sojourners in the land of Egypt. You shall fear the Lord your God. You shall serve him and hold fast to him, and by his name you shall swear. He is your praise. He is your God, who has done for you these great and terrifying things that your eyes have seen."
