Meetings and Reunions

A few weeks ago I had my very first weekend away since coming home with Vera last July. My good friend, Laura, and I drove up to SC for a homeschool conference. Laura came home on Saturday after the conference ended, but I stayed an extra night just to be alone for awhile. It was truly glorious. How I needed that break!

One of the highlights of my weekend was getting to meet my precious friend. Julia is also a Reece's Rainbow mom. Her son actually started out at Vera's baby home, but was sadly transferred to hell on earth. A mental institution. Even though he has no mental problems.

It was a blessing to meet Julia and spend at least an hour each day with her at her Biblioplan booth. I loved purchasing my Biblioplan curriculum from her personally! Julia is a treasure...the real deal. Her love and compassion for the children left behind is palpable. Her heart for orphans is ginormous. She is one of my heroes!

While I was gone, I found out that the 2 families who were with us in Ukraine were planning a little reunion the following weekend in Alabama. I told Jon I REEEEAAAALLLYYY wanted to go. It was only a 5 hour drive. And to my delight he said, "Yes! Let's do it!" Oh...I can't even describe my excitement. It ended up that 4 families who have adopted from Vera's baby home and 1 in the process were able to meet up. Our together time was spent at the hotel pool. And it was REALLY hot in there! But...we survived. The adults visited while the children swam.

I wish I could put into words what it's like to spend time with people who get it. I know a lot of people who have lost friends, even best friends, after adopting because 'normal' parents just can't understand what our lives are like. This road can sometimes be very lonely and isolating and we're often misunderstood. It's a relief to spend time, however brief, with people who are on the same journey. A year ago, I never would've dreamed that I would have the kind of conversations that are a regular part of my life now.

How I LOVE these women!

Above

Me, Renee (holding her sweet Emma...home just 4 weeks), Michelle, Missy and Kim.

Kim and Missy were in Ukraine with us. We saw Missy and her family in Indiana in November, but hadn't seen Kim's family since Ukraine. It was a bit surreal to be home, with all of our kids, together, in Alabama. Who would've thunk?!

That weekend, I found out that Renee was going to be meeting Catherine near Atlanta and I had to invite myself along. Catherine came home with 2 sweeties while we were still in Ukraine. One of her little ones went straight to the hospital...she was so malnourished. But you would never know it now...she's quite a little chunky monkey! It was SO FUN having dinner with these families at The Mellow Mushroom.

Above

Me, Renee (holding Emma), Catherine (holding Francesca and Victoria), Isabella and Anastasia.

Renee is becoming a very good friend, confidant and mentor. Most of you know her name from her comments here and on Facebook. She is the one I quoted in my previous post. Renee is a wealth of knowledge, experience and expertise and she is SO WILLING to share with and teach those of us who are stumbling along on this adoption journey. Jon and I are so thankful for her. She has predicted lots of Vera's...issues...and given us valuable advice. Many of us who know Renee wish we could clone her and have her come live with us and tell us what we're doing right/wrong and why our child is doing this or that.

Above - the Mellow Mushroom group

Thankfully it was a Monday night and was not too busy.

The kids got a little...restless...as the evening continued.

Above - Vera and Renee's Emma

I have a long list of adoptive mommas that I hope to meet someday.

I'm so thankful that the list is a little shorter now.

ONE WHOLE WEEK!!! And a New Thing

I'm celebrating tonight. It has been ONE WHOLE WEEK since Vera screamed. ONE WHOLE WEEK since she had a tantrum. It's been ONE WHOLE WEEK since she has told me 'no' or 'I don't want to.' ONE WHOLE WEEK with no disobedience or defiance. No evil eye. No smirky smile. Nothing. Nothing but smiles, 'I love you's', sweetness, peace, laughter, fun...I'm telling you, she is a new child.

She even had a sucker yesterday and knew there was sugar in it!

Thursday or Friday morning Vera asked me to help her with something in her room. I told her I would in 5 minutes; first I needed to finish what I was doing. She started to fuss. She turned around to head back to her room, still fussing. I prepared for the screaming to start. Instead, she stopped fussing, turned around to look back at me, smiled, said, 'Okay Mommy. I obey you,' and went to her room where she patiently waited for me. I could hardly believe it. I was SO PROUD of her! She did it! She fought the urge to begin screaming. YAY, Vera! I can't even tell you how thankful I am for this turnaround. SO THANKFUL!

All that said, she now has a new thing going. Not a bad thing. Just a new thing. After her second whole day of no screaming, she got out of bed after about 30 minutes of lying there and told me her head hurt. She hadn't complained about a headache all day so I didn't know if she was telling me the truth. I gave her a toddler dose of Tylenol to tide her over just in case. The next day she complained of a few different ailments. Her arms hurt. She could feel her blood 'bumping' in her body. Her leg hurt. Odd little complaints though she was still happy and played and did all her normal activities. Jon and I were a bit concerned and decided that if she had similar complaints the next day, we would have her checked out. I think the only specialist she has not seen in the past 8 months is a cardiologist. Maybe it was time.

But the next day she was fine. Until bedtime. Since the screaming and tantrums have ceased, Vera is getting out of bed every night with a different complaint. She's hot. She's cold. She needs socks on. She needs to blow her nose (even though there's nothing to blow out). Her hands are stinky and need to be washed. The cars are too noisy. One night she told me that her blood hurts. I posted that one on the Vera's Journey Home Group on Facebook.

I have a friend who has lots and lots of training and experience with kids like Vera. She sent me a message and explained what she thought was going on with Vera. It makes total sense. I thought I'd share this here, first to help you all understand Vera and second, because some of you might have a child like Vera and this may be helpful to you. It sure was helpful to Jon and I. He and I laugh every time this friend tells us what to expect next because there hasn't been a time yet when she was wrong. Usually she tells us after it's already begun and we go, "Oohhhh. So THAT'S why Vera is doing this."

Here's what she told us about Vera's new bedtime thing:

When a child is constantly attention seeking, it often is because they are not comfortable with "life"- with sensory input for some kids, with not being able to "read" people with others (very common for orphanage kids where everyone was fake to keep the peace and so kids didn't get to see real emotions and consequences naturally), etc. Some kids literally don't know how to cope when it is quiet, or not the center of attention- it's part of the way their systems reacted during early attachment years, and supposedly has to do with residual cortisol levels and dopamine production/neurotransmitter function.

Anyway- the fact that Vera is adjusting and is having to learn to deal with her own "calming" rather than relying on a psychological or physiological "release" from instigating conflict/confrontation is really good. What she may be describing is her trying to explain that she feels different. In the past, when she felt tense, (which could happen because she sensed tension, exhaustion, frustration, excitement, any intense emotion or void of emotion), she likely either stimmed to relieve her feelings, or stirred chaos in the household- oddly, a fight (verbal or physical rage), sex, or drugs all produce similar endorphin rushes and dopamine dumps in the brain/body. Now, she's having to adjust to "feeling". The fact that she's describing that she can actually feel it tells you she is a) sensitive to her body- another indicator of early stress- poor Vera and b) she's making progress.

She's having trouble regulating the way she feels. She's used to having a dopamine release every day- sometimes multiple times a day (every time she pushes you and gets herself angry/excited, she gets it), and now, she's not getting it and feels the void. I know it can seem like attention getting- and truthfully, some of it may be- but the phrases you described are also very typical for a child that is trying to describe what it feels like when their body is "buzzing" as I've heard other kids describe it.

Isn't that fascinating? It makes complete sense, doesn't it? My poor Vera.

My friend also gave us some suggestions...have Vera run around more during the day, jump on the trampoline, dance, do an obstacle course, etc. She also gave us some ideas for muscle relaxation exercises to do before bed. I'm so thankful for friends who have been there/done that and are so willing to share their wisdom.

My friend also told me she's impressed...Vera is making such good progress...

And that we should consider being therapeutic foster parents.

To which I laugh and say HA! There is not enough money in the world...

Light Bulb

If you've seen Despicable Me, say it with me...

Liiiight. Bulb.

If you haven't seen Despicable Me or you need a refresher, it goes like this

We had a big light bulb weekend with Vera. And all I can say is PRAISE THE LORD!

My last two posts about sugar, tantrums, bedtime and misbehavior got some good discussion going. We gleaned lots of wisdom,, asked many questions, read a bunch, gleaned more wisdom and began putting many things together.

Oy.

The control issues this girl has.

Several people have told me over the past few months that Vera likely has a strong need for control, which is very, very common for former orphans. Honestly, I didn't get it. I mean, I get it. But I don't. We read a whole lot the past few years about control issues that orphans have, but I still didn't get it. I didn't SEE it. I've been told by many that Vera is trying to control the situation in many, if not most or even all cases of her screaming and other misbehaviors. But that couldn't be true. I mean, Jon and I are in charge. She knows that. We know that. The big kids know that. Mommy and Daddy are in charge.

Well, we may be in charge, but Vera has very much been in control...for many months. Until now.

Liiiight. Bulb.

I shared on Facebook earlier this week that we began a new tactic with Vera and it seems to be working. I have been asked over and over, "So, what's your new tactic? What are you doing differently with Vera?" In a nutshell, we're ignoring the behaviors that we would normally correct. We're not spanking, putting her in timeout, removing toys and privileges, etc. We're just ignoring. Well, not exactly ignoring, but not giving attention to it. If she starts to fuss/cry/scream, we send her to her room. If she disobeys, defies, says 'no' or 'I don't want to' when we ask her to do something, we send her to her room. If she argues or refuses to do what we ask, we send her to her room. We tell her that when she's calm, ready to apologize and ready to behave she can come out. That's it in a nutshell.

Liiiight. Bulb.

Our first morning with this new tactic was rough. I won't lie. It was rough. Jon got most of the brunt of that one since I was busy creating Caleb's campfire cake for his birthday party later that afternoon. And let me just share a photo of it, because it turned out pretty darn awesome if I do say so myself.

Boy, did Vera test out this new tactic. Would it be the same every time? Yep. Would we give her attention for anything? Nope. WE knew that, but she had to try it out. And she was not happy that we did not give her the attention she was seeking. Jon repeatedly sent her to her room and the key was he did not engage her pleas. When she said, "I all done cwying, " she still had to go to her room (because it's never true when she says that). When she would try to engage him (as she always does), he would just repeat that when she was calm, ready to apologize and behave, she could come out. The key, we have discovered, is in not engaging. Not giving attention to the negative behaviors. And it is SO HARD not to engage. You have no idea. She cries. She begs. She whines. She negotiates. We used to answer her pleas. Which was what she wanted. She would drag it out just to have our attention. When it was Jon's turn to brush teeth, Vera could drag it out for 30 minutes, sometimes more. I tried to tell Jon a few times that she was playing him like a fiddle, but like I said, we just didn't SEE it for what it was. Control. Attention and control.

Liiiight. Bulb.

No more. We finally see the light. We finally see how she controlled each situation. No. More.

No more engaging with her through tears, trying to convince her to stop screaming, explaining the consequences, threatening and administering spankings or loss or privileges. While in her room Saturday morning, she really pulled out all the stops...throwing toys, banging things on her door, screaming, laying down and kicking and banging her head on the floor, smacking her head with her hands...things we haven't seen in a very long time and we would normally go in and put a stop to. We did not engage. We just waited for her to calm down and come apologize. We think we finally put together that 99.9% of her bad behaviors are for control and attention, so we're not playing into it. The rest is hopefully normal 6 year old girl stuff.

The kicker, when the light bulb really shined, was when she would giggle. She'd be just screaming away, pause, giggle, and then continue screaming. She was not out of control as any normal parent would think. She knew exactly what she was doing.

Liiiight. Bulb.

The last time, well, second to the last time, she got sent to her room on Saturday, she knew I was waiting to give her a bath. She was perfectly calm in her room playing and giggling, thinking she was in control and keeping me from doing what I wanted to do. Instead, I got in the shower myself. When she came and apologized to Jon, she heard my water running and realized I was not waiting for her. I chuckled when I heard her screaming, "MOMMY! ME BAF! MOMMY! ME WANT BAF! MOMMY! ME BAF NOW!" And back to her room she went. After that incident, she was the most pleasant little thing. We think we finally saw the real Vera Saturday afternoon/evening and all day Sunday. She was different. Her demeanor and how she treated me, especially, was different. Much more affectionate...genuine affection. She was calm and relaxed. And so agreeable. Very different.

Liiiight. Bulb.

Of course, with Jon back at work on Monday (after being home for 4 days), she tested to see if it was still the same with just me here. But I knew it was coming and was mentally prepared. She screamed and tantrumed in her room a good part of the morning. She even bit herself a few times, which I'm sure was not enjoyable for her. At one point, when I still did not put a stop to it, she got quiet, sat down on her floor in the "W" position (which we ALWAYS correct her for), stuck her fingers in her mouth (she is only allowed to suck her fingers at bedtime) and stared at the video monitor. Like, whatcha gonna do about it, Mommy? She was baiting me. Waiting for me to come tell her to fix her legs and stop sucking her fingers. The self control I exercised amazed me. Everything in me wanted to go correct her. But I held strong. And after a few minutes, Vera got up and started playing.

Liiiight. Bulb.

It's all control. The sugar thing. The bedtime thing. I think even the tantrum and screaming thing. We gave attention to and discussed the sugar thing. We did the same with the bedtime thing. And how many times over the past 8 months have the tantrums and screaming come up? Countless. She KNEW it drove me crazy. Vera learned at the orphanage that screaming got her what she wanted...candy and who knows what else. She was rewarded for misbehavior. Here, the screaming got her attention. She was rewarded for it, even though WE did not see it that way. By bringing attention to these behaviors, we gave Vera power. We told her she always had a tantrum after having sugar. Power. We told her she got crazy if she went to bed late. Power. She knew the screaming drove us all bonkers. Power. We gave her a license to misbehave by pointing these things out to her.

Liiiight. Bulb.

I sure hope this all makes sense to you. I know some of you have already lived this with your own little darlings in different ways and are probably nodding your head and wondering what took us so long to figure this out. I also know that unless you've lived it, it's hard to understand. It's hard to see it for what it really is. There have been many days that I have really felt like I'm losing my mind trying to get through to Vera. Everything I learned to do while parenting the older kids did not make a difference with Vera. If it weren't for my awesome older kids, I would really have doubted my parenting abilities. Those of you who know my older kids know how wonderful they are...I'm not making it up. They are just all around great kids, always a pleasure to be with, and I am so very proud of them. Jon and I know we can't take credit for all of it, but we did have something to do with it. In a way, they have been my proof that at one time I knew how to guide and discipline little ones. Vera...she's in a class all by herself. She literally got me to my breaking point. But that's for another post. To be shared later. Maybe.

I will be honest...ignoring Vera goes against every single one of our parental instincts. We never just ignored the other kids for misbehavior. We addressed it...dealt with it...disciplined. I guess that's what they mean when they say you can't parent your adopted child(ren) the same way you parent your biological child(ren). We strongly believe that even spanking Vera gave her an odd sort of pleasure. Like, it was satisfying to her that she got us to that point. Frequently (mostly with Jon) she would giggle after a spanking. We only spanked her for direct defiance/disobedience, but I think Vera thought she was controlling us by doing things that would warrant a spanking. I guess in a way she was right. She did control our actions. She would do things she knew she'd get a spanking for which, in turn, would give her the desired outcome, which in turn, gave her satisfaction that she was in control. Timeouts became a joke because after we wrestled and argued with her for 10 or 20 minutes and got her to sit still, she would just sit there and smile her ornery smile.

Liiiight. Bulb.

Normally, Vera is awful when Jon is home. I somewhat dreaded weekends or days that Jon works from home because I knew Vera was going to be a pill. A bigger pill than normal, that is. This too was all control. Jon had a habit of going to Vera's room after being sent there for screaming and trying to 'talk her down' as I call it. I think she counted on this. I think she wanted it. She knew that when Jon is home, she could get his attention by misbehaving. It usually takes me about 40 minutes to stretch Vera each day. When Jon does it, it takes two hours or more. Two hours. Because of all the whining, arguing and orniness that Vera would dish out. Whenever Jon tries to talk to me or one of the big kids, Vera interrupts. Every. Time. She wants his attention. And it's not that he doesn't give her any. Truly. He spends a great deal of time with Vera playing and doing fun things. She just enjoys the control of interrupting and taking his attention away from anyone else. But we're on to her. It was a good thing that Jon was the one to begin our new tactic. She especially needed it to come from him.

Liiiight. Bulb.

So now I've been wondering what to do when Vera starts a screaming fit in the van. It's not like we can send her to her room if she misbehaves while we're out and about. Someone suggested ear plugs. We loved this idea and bought earplugs for us and the big kids to keep in the van. If she starts, we will all just put in our earplugs. Of course, we'll still be able to hear her, but she won't know that. Hopefully the visual of us putting them in will be enough that Vera will see we won't give her attention for screaming. Though I'm sure at first she'll scream even louder just to make her point. Another friend gave a different suggestion and I truly can't wait to try it out. The big kids will benefit from it also, so I think they're looking forward to the next time Vera screams in the van. If it works, I'll let you know.

Another whole aspect to this control issue is who sees Vera's tantrums and orneriness. My mom has come for a visit. So has my dad. So has Jon's sister. None of them saw what I am telling you about. Before co-op started, I had no idea what to expect from Vera and I sent a long email to her teachers just to prepare them for what may come. They don't believe me. At co-op and Sunday School, Vera is just as cute and sweet as can be. And she ALWAYS sits on the floor correctly. At home we probably tell her to fix her legs (from the "W" sit) 8 or 10 times a day. When my dad came, Vera started to fuss one day and normally it would have led to a tantrum. I think she remembered that he was here and changed her tune pretty quickly. She is in total control of her behavior and who sees it. That's just another whole reason that sometimes I feel like I'm losing my mind. I tell people how she really is and they don't believe me.

I made this one day just to make myself feel better.

It was incredibly therapeutic.

I wish I could tell you how much I am enjoying the real Vera. She is so pleasant. And sweet. And calm and relaxed. The difference is so amazing, I can't even tell you. I haven't heard 'nope' or 'I don't want to' since Saturday. It used to be multiple times a day. I might actually agree with the next person who says, "Oh, she is SO cute!" We'll see. Of course, she could very well be behaving so nicely as another attempt at control. I am fully aware of this possibility. But for now, I'm just going to enjoy the new Vera as long as I can. There's no telling how long she'll be here.

So, thank you to all who commented and helped us figure this out. The past few days have been wonderful. I feel like peace has finally been restored to the Evans family. I am so thankful and am really praying this lasts. Feel free to join me.

Bedtime

Several of you left some very helpful comments, both here and on Facebook, on my last post about Vera and sugar and tantrums.

I'm curious about your thoughts on this one.

Vera turns into a pumpkin between 8:15 and 8:30 each night. Well, maybe pumpkin isn't the right word.

Jack-O-Lantern is a bit more appropriate.

We usually start the bedtime routine around 7:45 with tooth-brushing, pottying, getting pj's on, giving big hugs, drinking of water, saying prayers and finally to bed. We have found that if we wait, even just 15 minutes, she turns into what I call 'Crazy Vera.' I don't really know how to explain it except she just gets ornery, defiant, disobedient, seemingly uncontrollable and she giggles her ornery giggle the whole time. She can be perfectly fine all day long (yes, it does happen), but if we wait just a few minutes to start the bedtime routine, she loses it. And she can't even tell time. This happens with Jon more often than not, though it is improving. It seems like that's part of it, because she's rarely ornery with me at bedtime anymore.

Now, it's not often that Vera gets to bed late, but Jon and I have noticed this little phenomenon and have discussed it in front of Vera and a few times with Vera. Sometimes she asks me why she can't stay up late like the big kids do. At times I've told her that she's only 6. When she's older, like Jacob, Caleb and Abbi, she'll get to stay up later too. A few times I've told her that we've noticed that when she stays up 'late' (as in past 8:30), she doesn't seem to be able to behave and I gave her some examples.

Last Saturday one of Jon's co-workers and friends invited us over for a FABULOUS, homemade, traditional Japanese meal. It was a special Japanese holiday and they invited us to celebrate with them...we later learned we were the first American family they had ever had over for dinner. What an honor! Anyway, when they were working out the details, Jon asked his friend if it could be an early dinner so that we could get Vera to bed on time. We ended up leaving a bit later than we had expected to (but it was totally worth it!). By the time Vera got to bed that night, it was 8:45. Of course, it was dark when we left and Jon had told her on the way home that it was past her bedtime and we had to hurry and get ready for bed. Let's just say getting ready for bed that night was not pleasant. Thankfully for me, it was Jon's turn.

Vera seems to have zeroed in on this little tidbit just like she zeroed in on the sugar tantrums when we started talking about them. Every night now when I tell her it's time to brush teeth, she asks me, with her little smirky smile, if it's late. When I say, "No, it's not late. It's just time to brush teeth," she frowns.

She wants an excuse to misbehave.

You have no idea how frustrating this is. Well, some of you do.

We have no intentions of doing a bedtime experiment like we did with the sugar, although if we were going to, Saturday might be a good opportunity since we're setting clocks ahead. If we start the bedtime routine with Vera at the normal time, but tell her it's an hour late, any predictions on what will happen?

So, here are my questions for you...why does she look for opportunities to tantrum and misbehave? What's in it for her? Control? Attention? Is it just a phase? And...what do we do about it? I know, I know...put her to bed on time and don't tell her if we give her something sugary. Seriously though...

Also, and sort of related (I think...maybe)...we had thunderstorms last Friday night. They started right after I put Vera to bed. Lots of thunder and lightning. And a bit of stimming from Vera. She rarely stims at bedtime anymore and I didn't put the two together. Duh. The next morning as I was brushing Vera's hair I asked her why she had stimmed the night before. She told me she was scared. I asked her what scared her and she said the loud noise and lights scared her. I felt so bad. I had gone into her room when she was stimming and she didn't tell me she was scared. Poor little thing. So I told her that the next time she is scared at night she should call Daddy or I and we'll come to her because we DO NOT want her to be scared and alone. Ever.

So over lunch that day Vera told Jon about the conversation she and I had that morning. Jon still has a hard time understanding her sometimes so I translated for him. I emphasized that I told Vera she can CALL us when she's scared but Jon didn't pick up on it. He confirmed what I told Vera and added, "Or, you can just come get us." As I reeled in shock that Jon had just given Vera permission to get out of bed at night, he realized what he had said and tried to take it back. "Actually, Vera, you can just call us. We can always hear you from your room. You don't need to come get us. Just call us." I knew what we were in for and told Jon she would definitely be getting out of bed that night...I just wondered how long it would take. Jon was hopeful and really didn't think she would. Jon was in charge of watching Vera on the monitor that night (we need to know if she stims), and about 20 minutes after Vera was tucked safely in her bed I was in the laundry room totally oblivious to what had transpired. Sure enough, Vera had gotten out of bed. She has NEVER, in the 8 months since we've been home, gotten out of bed once the lights were out. Jon met her in the hallway and asked what she was doing.

"Me scawed, Daddy."

"What are you scared of, Vera?"

She smiles.

"Caws."

"You're scared of the cars?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"Me no know."

"I know you're not scared, Vera. Do you know how I know? Because you're smiling. People don't smile when they're scared."

And back to bed she went.

Yep. He nipped that one right in the bud. She hasn't tried it again. Thank goodness!

So...anyone have some insights to share? We're all ears.

The Sugar Experiment

As I type this, Vera is in her rooming having quite a tantrum. She's even screaming things like, "Me no LIKE you!" and "Me want Ukraine!" Haven't heard that in awhile. Poor baby.

But let me back up and explain WHY Vera is having a tantrum.

Last time I shared with you how sugar effects Vera and makes her tantrum. There were so many more examples I could've given you. Sweet and sugary results in a tantrum 99.9% of the time. Of course, she has tantrums without sugar too, but sugar can almost guarantee one.

Or maybe not. Maybe it's just the IDEA of sugar.

Last Sunday morning during church, Jon handed Vera a sugar-free mint. She looked up at me with her I'm-getting-away-with-something smile. A few seconds later, as she sucked noisily on her mint, she asked me, "Why Daddy give me mint? It's sugary." I could see her wheels spinning...she was planning her next tantrum. I leaned down and whispered to her, "The mint doesn't have any sugar." She didn't hear me and I whispered again, "Vera, there is no sugar in Daddy's mints. Otherwise he wouldn't have given you one." She frowned. Seriously, she frowned at me upon this news. So much for her plans of screaming later.

That morning after church we had a fellowship meal as we always do on the last Sunday of the month. I gave Vera a cup of lemonade to have with her soup. As she was drinking it at the end of her meal, she smiled at me over the cup and asked, "Lemonade sugary?" She was plotting again. I could see it. You know how new mommies learn to recognize their baby's cries? Well, I have learned to recognize Vera's smiles and laughs. This was a plotting smile followed by an ornery giggle. So I quickly told her that I wouldn't have given her lemonade if it had sugar. Another frown. When she had gone off to play I went and looked at the label on the lemonade. The second ingredient, after water, was sugar. Uh oh, I thought. We're in for it later.

But she was great all day. I even got to take a Sunday nap, which is a luxury these days.

This got Jon and I thinking. On Monday evening, Jon took Vera to the store to buy some "special", "sugar-free" cookies for Vera (they were really just regular, sugar-filled cookies). He played it up and told her he didn't want her to go without cookies just because she can't have sugar anymore. So on Tuesday I tried our first little experiment. After lunch I let Vera have not one, but TWO of her special cookies. Yes, I was asking for it, but I had a very strong hunch. I reminded Vera the cookies were sugar-free and that's why she got to have two. Yes, it was a lie. We went to co-op that day. More often than not, Vera does some sort of crying on Tuesday afternoons, whether it's just fussy crying or a tantrum. I don't know if co-op just wears her out or what. She never seems overstimulated afterwards, but who knows? Sometimes she screams all the way home. Sometimes she waits until we get home. But it's pretty common for her to cry on Tuesday afternoons. This past Tuesday...nothing. Just smiles. Not that I'm complaining. We got home and I asked Vera to go clean her room while I started dinner. Again, normally this would result in crying, which would inevitably lead to screaming. Instead, she happily went off to her room and did a mighty fine job of cleaning it. She came out and asked if she could play on the Wii. I told her she needed to clean up her messes in the kitchen and living room first. Every time she has a mess in the kitchen to clean up, there's fussing involved. Every. Time. I usually hear, "Me no CAN'T do it, Mommy." Not this time. She smiled, said, "Okay, Mommy," and got busy cleaning. She cleaned up all her messes with not one fuss. Amazing. Truly amazing. As she was finishing up her cleaning, Jon called to say he would be home late. When I told Vera this news, she was sad but did not fuss. This has never been the case when Jon is late and will not be home for bedtime. Never.

This, along with Sunday's peaceful day after Vera having sugar, really got Jon and I thinking...what if it's not really the sugar that makes Vera tantrum?

What if it's the IDEA that she's had sugar? What if she was so great on Sunday and Tuesday even with all the normal triggers because she 'knew' she hadn't had any sugar therefore there was no excuse to scream? What if...

Our last experiment was today. I don't know if I should laugh or cry. Maybe both.

Today I had a "special" surprise for the big kids for working so hard all week on school. They knew in advance of our experiment and graciously helped knowing what the likely outcome would be. After lunch they got their special treat. I had picked up some sugar-free cookies and sugar-free punch. But I told Vera they were very sugary and I wasn't sure if she would get any. Yes, again, I lied. I didn't really play it up because I wanted my test to be as accurate as possible. If we really built it up, she would likely try extra hard not to have a tantrum...even though there wasn't really any sugar involved. Vera was eating lunch and asked if she could have some of the (sugar-free) punch. I told her since she had been so good all morning, she could have just a little, and I filled up her cup. Filled it. Full. She gulped it down in about 2 seconds and said, "Mmmmmmm...yummy! Me like sugar, Mommy." She finished her lunch and asked if she could have a cookie. I said, "I don't know, Vera. Do you think you can handle all this sugar?" "Yes, Mommy. I no scream layta (later)." So I gave her a cookie. A sugar-free cookie. But Vera didn't know that. I told her it was full of sugar and that's why she could only have one.

And here we are. It took about 90 minutes for the tantrum to start. And boy, is it a doozy! Maybe because she had punch AND a cookie so she thinks she's extra full of sugar?? I came out of Vera's room and Abbi said, "Well, I guess the experiment worked." Yep, I guess so.

We give her something sugary and tell her it's sugar-free, she's fine.

We give her something sugar-free and tell her it's full of sugar, she tantrums.

As annoying as this little discovery is, don't you find it fascinating?

Now Jon and I are wondering...what do we do with this piece of information? Do we tell Vera we're on to her? Or will that result in her tantruming all the time because she doesn't know if she had sugar or not since we tricked her? Do we tell her everything we give her is sugar-free?

So, what are your thoughts? One of you who commented on my last post mentioned that it seems like Vera has an episode after special outings. Today was a perfectly normal day. Except for the punch and cookie with lunch. We hadn't gone anywhere. Sugar, or the thought of sugar, is the only common denominator we have put together. Is it just the power of suggestion? A control thing? A drama thing? I really don't know.

What I DO know is that I'm tired of this!

She was quite mad that I took her picture during her screaming fit. "Me no WANT you take my picture!" So I took another one. I sent it to Jon and told him our experiment worked. When we put Vera to bed that night she asked me why I took her picture when she was screaming. "Me pwetty?" she asked. Jon was quicker than me to say, "NO, Vera. That was NOT pretty!"

The Sugar Connection

Jon and I are a little slow sometimes. We admit it. We roll with it. You know how some people say that children suck out your brain power? Well, I think adopted children suck out whatever brain power you have left.

I've been meaning to start a journal to keep track of Vera's tantrums. But it's hard to know exactly what to keep track of. Anything could be a trigger, so what do I write down? We think we've stumbled on to a big clue.

Sugar.

The Friday before Valentine's Day, the kids and I went to a Valentine party with an awesome homeschool group. Lots of fun and sugar was involved. After lunch, Vera had a sprinkle covered marshmallow and a cookie. Vera participated in her first Valentine exchange and kept asking "Why peepa give me pwesents?" She had a blast! She came home with lots of candy that we put in a ziploc bag and tucked safely in one of her dresser drawers. Sometime after we got home that day, Vera had a huge tantrum. She hadn't had one like that in awhile and I was wondering what in the world set it off.

Two days later, we went out for dinner where Vera had half a scoop of ice cream at the end of the meal. Let's just say bedtime that night was less than fun. It was worse than a normal less-than-fun bedtime, if that makes any sense. The next morning Vera asked if she could have a piece of candy. I said 'no' to which she replied with her favorite word. 'Why?' So I told her that I've noticed the past few times that she's had something sugary she has ended up having a tantrum and doing lots of screaming. I told her that maybe we'd try again sometime soon. Maybe. Maybe not. Well, the next day was her Valentine's party at co-op. Her teacher began the afternoon with candy for the whole class. Great. I didn't want Vera to be left out so I told her she could have a piece but that I didn't want to hear any screaming later. Chuckle. It was a good thought. Well, you guessed it. Later that afternoon she had a huge screaming tantrum. I removed the bag of candy from her dresser drawer and told her she would not be having any candy for a Very. Long. Time.

Vera's Valentine Stash.

By my estimations this is the equivalent of about 3 dozen tantrums.

Later, when she was calm we had a talk about the candy and I explained to her again why I had taken it away and put it in the pantry. She did understand and was able to tell back to me what had happened and why. Whenever Vera has a consequence for disobedience or defiance or whatever the case may be, we try to have her tell back to us why she received the consequence. I remember the first time I did this. I asked Vera why she had just had a timeout. She responded, "Mommy..." I immediately interrupted her and told her she did not have a timeout because of Mommy. I asked her to try again.

"Vera, why did you have a timeout?"

"Because Mommy..."

"No, your timeout was not Mommy's fault. Why did you have a timeout?"

"Because Mommy..."

"Vera, you did not have a timeout because of Mommy. Why did you have a timeout?"
Finally, Vera lowered her face and stuck out her bottom lip - "Me no obey Mommy."

It's been helpful (we think) to help Vera understand that her choices can have consequences or her choices can have blessings. In the beginning she just didn't get (or pretended not to get) that her consequences were a result of HER choices. She used to blame everything on anyone else, including the cat or dog.

Anyway, Vera knew exactly why I had taken away her candy. And then she told me

"In Ukraine, me scream me get candy."

Bingo!

Do you remember what the nannies at Vera's baby house would do when she had a tantrum?

They would give her candy if she quit screaming.

Do you remember a few months ago when I figured out what Vera would ask for during her screaming tantrums?

Yep. Candy.

Hmmmm...even after this little statement from Vera, it didn't click with me. As I said, I'm a little slow these days. Perhaps I need some candy.

Anyway, Jon had been in and out of town and I hadn't been able to tell him yet about my sugar/tantrum theory. We went out to lunch last Friday and Jon got cookies for all of us. He gave Vera half a cookie and I made a mental note to talk to Jon later about Vera and sweets and my new suspicion. I didn't have to worry about remembering. Vera reminded me. I asked Jon to stop at Home Depot after lunch so I could run in and get some paint. When I came out of Home Depot, I could hear it. The screaming. This girl has some lungs, let me tell you! I got in the van and Jon said he didn't know what had set it off. Well, he knew, but it shouldn't have led to the screaming. I told him I knew exactly why she was screaming and that I'd tell him when we got home and he could hear me. She screamed the whole way home. Lovely.

As Jon and I were talking about it later, I remembered the conversation where Vera told me that in Ukraine when she screamed she would get candy. I said it's interesting that now she gets candy and inevitably has a screaming fit shortly afterwards. There must be a connection somewhere, don't you think? It just seems like it's related somehow...

In Ukraine, screaming = candy. Here, candy = screaming.

If any of you have any insight into this, please share. We're always looking for possible explanations to Vera's behaviors. Do any of you have kids who react this way with sugar?

A little sweetness without the sugar.

LOVE these girls!

6 Months Home - A Progress Report

Today is quite an anniversary! We've been home with Vera for 6 months. Unbelievable, isn't it? Half a year. It's also Christmas Day in Ukraine.

It's been a rough week here. One of those weeks where I wonder how long this will last.

The stimming.

The defiance.

The tantrums.

This update is more for me than it is for you. I need to see some progress. So, I've been keeping notes and trying to remember how life was 6 months ago when we first came home and how it is now. I've been encouraged as the list has grown. This list is in no particular order...just as I thought of them...

Vera rarely does her jerking thing in the car anymore and never does it on the toilet or at the dinner table.

She has gotten over her fascination with paper products. In the beginning, we had to watch her closely with TP, Kleenex, paper towels, etc. She would tear up a roll of TP, square by square, and throw it away. She would remove Kleenex tissues from the box one by one and put them in the trash. Same with paper towels. She hasn't done this since I removed all the TP from the trash can and made her use it until it was gone. She did NOT like using anything that had been in the trash can, even though it was still perfectly clean. It took care of the problem, though.

When Vera had her occupational therapy evaluation at the beginning of October, she couldn't connect two dots with a straight line. She couldn't write a 't'. My nephew's first birthday was last month and I had Vera sign his card. I wrote the letters on a piece of paper and she copied what I wrote. The little thing that looks like an ice cream cone is her "R". She did pretty good, didn't she?

Vera also could not stack more than 4 blocks in October. Look at what she can do now.

She couldn't string beads in October. Now making bead jewelry is a regular activity for Vera.

Vera can play Candy Land and Chutes & Ladders, though we still have to help her through it. She sometimes likes to play by her own rules and gets upset if we ask her to play correctly.

She just about has all the colors down.

She can count to 4. I admit that I'm frustrated she can't count to 10 yet. I count to 10 out loud every day while we stretch. I probably do it 30 times a day, at least. I'm sure she'll get there, but I figured she would've had counting to 10 down by now.

Vera's English is coming along, though most people need help with translation. She talks like a toddler, but she's getting there. Her vocabulary has grown exponentially. She used to end any word ending in 'ing' with 'et' instead. "Mommy, what you maket dinner tonight?" Jon and I would joke about who got to 'rocket' Vera at bedtime. We're working on the 'h' sound right now. She gets it mixed up with 'g'. Help is gelp. Home is gome. Hurt is gurt. We're also working on the 'k' sound. Cold is hold. We're working on the 'th' sound, too. That one is really hard for her. I wonder if it's a CP thing because it's almost like her tongue can't do it.

I mentioned in my last post that Mine does not come up very often anymore. Hurray!

Vera does not scream and fight me during stretching any more. She used to scream, quite loudly, during this daily routine. She would yell, "Ouchie! Ouchie!" and you would've thought I was torturing her. She would yell 'Ouchie' before I even touched her. If any adults were here (like Jon home on weekends) she would yell for them. "Daddy! Ouchie! Daddy!" Or she would yell for me if Jon was stretching her. She would yell for Jon's mom or dad when they came to visit. It was really awful and I'm so glad we're past this phase.

Vera does still have tantrums, but I must say that they're not nearly as often and definitely not as long. She doesn't (usually) scream for hours in a day anymore, though we do still have an occasional bad day (yesterday was one of those). I hope that someday I forget our worst day. When I started keeping track, she had screamed for at least 4 hours over the course of the day. I think it was more like 6 though. The big kids and I were very weary at the end of that day.

Vera has not had a rage since the week of Thanksgiving. We went to Illinois for the week and Vera suffered big time regression. I don't think it was too soon. I think Vera would've reacted the same way no matter how long we waited for our first trip away from home. But, she couldn't handle the change in routine. She had a HUGE rage...huge...she was like a wild animal. I was sore for days from restraining her from hurting herself and me. It was a long, tiring, stressful week, but we sure did enjoy visiting Jon's family. All that to say, the rages are few and far between these days. Hallelujah!

Vera with a few of her cousins!

She used to FREAK OUT if she couldn't find something. Usually whatever she was looking for was stuck in her shirt or she was sitting on it. Sometimes it would be right in front of her or next to her and she just couldn't see it. She would cry and scream if she couldn't find something. She doesn't do that anymore. We're so thankful for this progress because she loses things at least 12 times a day. She lost a headband at the grocery store a few weeks ago, after we all advised her to leave it the van so she wouldn't lose it. I was so impressed with how well she handled it. She asked if we could go walk through the whole store to find it and didn't even cry when I said, "No." Our girl is growing up. Of course, I write this out and then yesterday Vera lost a marker. She SCREAMED for at least an hour..."Marker! Marker! I want my marker! Where's my marker?!" I finally put her in bed and made her stay there until she was calm. At some point during the screaming, I said, "Vera! It's a MARKER! Is it really worth all this?" Apparently it was. At the end of the day, Vera found the marker...right where she had left it. Go ahead and chuckle. I am.

Vera will now ask for things and say 'please' instead of saying, "Give me". Most of the time.

She will now watch videos. When we first came home she wanted nothing to do with television. I know that's a good thing, but it's also nice to be able to put on a video while I take a shower or make dinner and know that she'll sit there and not get into trouble.

6 months ago Vera did not know how to give hugs or kisses. It took time and daily teaching, but she now gives the best hugs. And she says "I love you" all day long. "I luh you, Mommy. You GOOD mommy." She must say it 20 times a day. She says it even more after a tantrum. Sometimes I wonder if she has tantrums on purpose just to see if I'm still going to love her afterwards. The things she has tantrums over are strange. Last weekend I told Vera to go get dressed and you would've thought the world was coming to an end. As Vera thumped down the hallway to her room, screaming the whole way, Jon and I looked at each other and said, "Where did THAT come from?! Really? All that about getting dressed?" Jon and I believe that most of the time, if not all, she controls the tantrums. By that I mean that when it would seem to others like she's out of control with her screaming and crying, we just have to say the right thing and she stops. There's no slowing down like when a toddler is calming down from a fit. Vera's prized possession is still her watch. When she's in the middle of a long tantrum, if I tell her to stop screaming at Mommy, she will turn to my nearest ear and scream with all her might. But if I say "If you continue to scream at Mommy, you will lose your watch," she will always stop INSTANTLY. No slowing down or taking deep breaths. It's like she can flip a switch. I really don't like to threaten like that, but it's the only thing that makes her stop screaming. Some of you may disagree with this tactic, but we tell Vera that if she's going to act like a baby we're going to treat her like one and babies don't wear watches.

I can now take a shower and not have to worry what Vera is doing to the pets and others.

Going to regular places does not overwhelm Vera anymore. We can now go to church AND out to lunch with friends and we (usually) don't pay for it when we get home. I can take her grocery shopping and not worry about tantrums and stimming. We can have dinner with friends in their homes and we don't leave with a kicking, screaming Vera anymore. That's been a welcomed change.

Vera can now sit through church and Jon and I can sort of pay attention. Most Sundays. We do still sit in the very back close to a door since we still occasionally have to remove her because she chooses to misbehave. And I do mean she chooses it. The little smirk on her face tells us she knows exactly what she's doing. I just wish I knew why she enjoys making these little scenes. I know it's one of those control issues, but it never ends well for her.

Vera seems to be moving through the 'why' stage and is almost finished, I hope. I thought it was going to kill us all. She didn't just ask 'why' about normal things. If we said we liked something, she asked 'why?' (She still does this occasionally.) If I told her it was time for breakfast or time for bed, 'why?' If I said I was hungry, 'why?' She would ask things like, "Is this baftub?" "Yes." "Why?" She did that about everything from clothes to food to...everything in the house. "Why Mommy take shower?" "Why Mommy make dinner?" "Why Mommy wash dishes?" At the grocery store, she would ask 'why' about everything I put in the cart. "Why Mommy buy dis? Why Mommy buy dat?" She would literally ask 'why' from the time she got up til the time she went to bed. Oy! At PT, whenever the therapist would tell Vera to do something, she would ask 'why?' We had several talks about it and I told Vera that at PT, Miss Anitra is in charge and you don't ask 'why'. You just do it. We nipped that in the bud. Sweet, patient Anitra would take time to answer all of Vera's whys and more time was being spent in conversation than PT. I wasn't wasting my time or money on conversation!

And speaking of PT, Vera is doing such a great job! I wish we could afford to go more than once a week...it's been so good for Vera. We love her therapist, Miss Anitra. She is awesome! Just the right amount of firmness and fun. I'm still not sure what we're going to do when Vera's 20 visits covered by insurance are up for the year. I hate to give up Miss Anitra, though. We'd like to get a few more things so we can do more work at home...a Bosu ball for one. If any of you have one collecting dust or taking up needed space, I'd love to take it off your hands for you. And I need to get some sort of step stool for Vera so she can get in the van by herself. We want Vera to be as physically independent as possible. Plus, she's only going to keep growing and I'm not going to be able to lift her into the van forever. She could probably climb in, but it would be a slow, frustrating process. Plus we can't have the princess getting dirty, can we? Someone suggested an aerobic stool since they're wider and are more stable than a regular step stool. We also want to get Vera a tricycle, but they get a bit pricey when you need one big enough for a large 6 year old. And I'm betting it would need to be adapted a bit for her.

Vera rode this tricycle all the way down this very long hallway.

I was amazed that she could do it!

She loves the days that she gets to ride the tricycle at PT!

Something like this in pink would be perfect for her, don't you think?

We don't have the 'safe' conversation every day anymore, though it did come up for awhile when she lost her first tooth. The tooth fairy came. We learned the hard way that this was not a good idea. If the tooth fairy can get in and take her tooth, what's to stop the tooth fairy from taking Vera? What's to stop anyone else from getting in the house if the tooth fairy can get in? How can Vera be safe if the tooth fairy can just come in and take her teeth? So, no more tooth fairy. We really should've known better, but we hadn't had the 'safe' conversation in quite awhile. We just weren't thinking. If people come for a visit and spend the night, one of the first things Vera wants to know is if they will keep her safe. Will they hit and kick and bite anyone who tries to take her? It was one of the first things she asked my mom when she came to visit. We're getting ready for company this week and I'm very curious to see if Vera asks this question of them.

Vera LOVES co-op and was quite unhappy when I told her we took a break between Thanksgiving and the New Year. She asked me almost every day how many more days until we went to co-op. By the end of our first semester, her teachers could understand some of what she said. They were quite impressed with how far Vera had come since the beginning of the semester. I put her in the kindergarten class and it was a good fit for her. She is still way, way, WAY behind her peers in every way, but co-op has been good for her. Vera is looking forward to beginning her 2nd semester on Tuesday. A few weeks ago, one of the boys in Vera's Sunday School class made the comment that 'every 6 year old can write their name.' I confess that it stung a little and I wished I could plug Vera's ears that very second. He was sitting next to Vera and by the look on her face, she heard him. She understood. She knows that almost every kid in her co-op class and Sunday School class can write their names. She knows that she can't. Yet.

Notice anything odd about this photo?

No? That's because there isn't anything odd to see! Not anymore, anyway. Vera is using her RIGHT HAND to control the mouse. This is huge, people. HUGE! Vera used to use her stronger, left hand...awkward, isn't it?
We got Vera her very own computer game for Christmas and by day two of playing it, she was using her right hand for the mouse. We were very excited with this development. One of our goals has been to draw that right arm out from her body and using the mouse is doing just that. She loves her new game and thanks me for it every day that she gets to play it.

Remember when I shared the videos and begged for help with Vera's 'episodes'? Let me update about that as well. I've been meaning to for awhile. The long and short of it is that this has improved. I need to remind myself of that because it's definitely not over. Nor do I see an end in sight. Several of Vera's doctors have told us to interrupt Vera when she stims and not to let her do it. There are several reasons for this, but that's for another post. Vera does not try to stim at all times of the day anymore like she was doing when I wrote that post. Now it's only at bedtime and first thing in the morning. Occasionally she will start if music is playing. Sometimes she tries while we sing at church. Music is definitely a trigger, as is lying down. If she's ever playing on the floor and ends up lying down, she will try to stim. So we don't let her lay down during the day. At bedtime I remove anything that makes music from her room because when she wakes up she'll get those toys and stim to the music. We've been rocking her to sleep in an effort to break the bedtime stimming habit. She was waking up with normal hair. Until recently. We discovered that she's been faking falling asleep and would stim when we laid her down and left her room. She is quite a good, little faker. She still sucks her fingers at bedtime and she would relax, her fingers would fall out of her mouth, her arm would fall to her side. Anyone would believe she's asleep. But Jon and I were on to her since her morning hair is our gauge. We began lying her down and pretending to leave her room. As soon as she thought we had left and shut the door, she would start her rocking. It was immediate. And SO frustrating! Now that we're on to her, we stay in her room long after lying her down until we're positive that she's asleep. We noticed that Vera recently started brushing her own hair in the mornings and realized she was trying to hide her stimming. Yep, she's a smart one. She also figured out how I knew when she stimmed in the mornings. I could always hear her feet kicking the floor. Her solution? She now stays in bed and stims so I don't hear the thumping. So then I was listening on the baby monitor for her odd breathing. We just put in a video monitor so we can watch and not guess about what Vera is doing at bedtime and first thing in the morning. It had gotten to the point that I was hardly sleeping because I was always listening for Vera's stimming breathing. This momma needed a good night's rest, let me tell ya! We've had the video monitor for two days now and it is my new best friend. I wish we had bought it months ago!

All in all, we really have come a LONG way over the past 6 months. People keep reminding me that we have 6 YEARS of institutionalization to overcome. The past 6 months, well 7 really, have probably been the hardest, most stressful months of my entire life. I can't even imagine how hard and stressful they've been for Vera. While Vera was thrown into it with people she barely knew, with a language she couldn't speak, in a culture quite different from her own, I had/have an awesome circle of support. I wish I could put into words just how thankful I am for the love, meals, encouragement, help and prayers that we've received. As much I'd like it to be, it's not going to be a short, easy road. But nothing worth doing is ever easy, right? I know I couldn't do this without God, Jon, my big kids and all of you who have lavished so much love and care upon us.

Happy 6 Month Anniversary Home, Vera!