As I type this, Vera is in her rooming having quite a tantrum. She's even screaming things like, "Me no LIKE you!" and "Me want Ukraine!" Haven't heard that in awhile. Poor baby.
But let me back up and explain WHY Vera is having a tantrum.
Last time I shared with you how sugar effects Vera and makes her tantrum. There were so many more examples I could've given you. Sweet and sugary results in a tantrum 99.9% of the time. Of course, she has tantrums without sugar too, but sugar can almost guarantee one.
Or maybe not. Maybe it's just the IDEA of sugar.
Last Sunday morning during church, Jon handed Vera a sugar-free mint. She looked up at me with her I'm-getting-away-with-something smile. A few seconds later, as she sucked noisily on her mint, she asked me, "Why Daddy give me mint? It's sugary." I could see her wheels spinning...she was planning her next tantrum. I leaned down and whispered to her, "The mint doesn't have any sugar." She didn't hear me and I whispered again, "Vera, there is no sugar in Daddy's mints. Otherwise he wouldn't have given you one." She frowned. Seriously, she frowned at me upon this news. So much for her plans of screaming later.
That morning after church we had a fellowship meal as we always do on the last Sunday of the month. I gave Vera a cup of lemonade to have with her soup. As she was drinking it at the end of her meal, she smiled at me over the cup and asked, "Lemonade sugary?" She was plotting again. I could see it. You know how new mommies learn to recognize their baby's cries? Well, I have learned to recognize Vera's smiles and laughs. This was a plotting smile followed by an ornery giggle. So I quickly told her that I wouldn't have given her lemonade if it had sugar. Another frown. When she had gone off to play I went and looked at the label on the lemonade. The second ingredient, after water, was sugar. Uh oh, I thought. We're in for it later.
But she was great all day. I even got to take a Sunday nap, which is a luxury these days.
This got Jon and I thinking. On Monday evening, Jon took Vera to the store to buy some "special", "sugar-free" cookies for Vera (they were really just regular, sugar-filled cookies). He played it up and told her he didn't want her to go without cookies just because she can't have sugar anymore. So on Tuesday I tried our first little experiment. After lunch I let Vera have not one, but TWO of her special cookies. Yes, I was asking for it, but I had a very strong hunch. I reminded Vera the cookies were sugar-free and that's why she got to have two. Yes, it was a lie. We went to co-op that day. More often than not, Vera does some sort of crying on Tuesday afternoons, whether it's just fussy crying or a tantrum. I don't know if co-op just wears her out or what. She never seems overstimulated afterwards, but who knows? Sometimes she screams all the way home. Sometimes she waits until we get home. But it's pretty common for her to cry on Tuesday afternoons. This past Tuesday...nothing. Just smiles. Not that I'm complaining. We got home and I asked Vera to go clean her room while I started dinner. Again, normally this would result in crying, which would inevitably lead to screaming. Instead, she happily went off to her room and did a mighty fine job of cleaning it. She came out and asked if she could play on the Wii. I told her she needed to clean up her messes in the kitchen and living room first. Every time she has a mess in the kitchen to clean up, there's fussing involved. Every. Time. I usually hear, "Me no CAN'T do it, Mommy." Not this time. She smiled, said, "Okay, Mommy," and got busy cleaning. She cleaned up all her messes with not one fuss. Amazing. Truly amazing. As she was finishing up her cleaning, Jon called to say he would be home late. When I told Vera this news, she was sad but did not fuss. This has never been the case when Jon is late and will not be home for bedtime. Never.
This, along with Sunday's peaceful day after Vera having sugar, really got Jon and I thinking...what if it's not really the sugar that makes Vera tantrum?
What if it's the IDEA that she's had sugar? What if she was so great on Sunday and Tuesday even with all the normal triggers because she 'knew' she hadn't had any sugar therefore there was no excuse to scream? What if...
Our last experiment was today. I don't know if I should laugh or cry. Maybe both.
Today I had a "special" surprise for the big kids for working so hard all week on school. They knew in advance of our experiment and graciously helped knowing what the likely outcome would be. After lunch they got their special treat. I had picked up some sugar-free cookies and sugar-free punch. But I told Vera they were very sugary and I wasn't sure if she would get any. Yes, again, I lied. I didn't really play it up because I wanted my test to be as accurate as possible. If we really built it up, she would likely try extra hard not to have a tantrum...even though there wasn't really any sugar involved. Vera was eating lunch and asked if she could have some of the (sugar-free) punch. I told her since she had been so good all morning, she could have just a little, and I filled up her cup. Filled it. Full. She gulped it down in about 2 seconds and said, "Mmmmmmm...yummy! Me like sugar, Mommy." She finished her lunch and asked if she could have a cookie. I said, "I don't know, Vera. Do you think you can handle all this sugar?" "Yes, Mommy. I no scream layta (later)." So I gave her a cookie. A sugar-free cookie. But Vera didn't know that. I told her it was full of sugar and that's why she could only have one.
And here we are. It took about 90 minutes for the tantrum to start. And boy, is it a doozy! Maybe because she had punch AND a cookie so she thinks she's extra full of sugar?? I came out of Vera's room and Abbi said, "Well, I guess the experiment worked." Yep, I guess so.
We give her something sugary and tell her it's sugar-free, she's fine.
We give her something sugar-free and tell her it's full of sugar, she tantrums.
As annoying as this little discovery is, don't you find it fascinating?
Now Jon and I are wondering...what do we do with this piece of information? Do we tell Vera we're on to her? Or will that result in her tantruming all the time because she doesn't know if she had sugar or not since we tricked her? Do we tell her everything we give her is sugar-free?
So, what are your thoughts? One of you who commented on my last post mentioned that it seems like Vera has an episode after special outings. Today was a perfectly normal day. Except for the punch and cookie with lunch. We hadn't gone anywhere. Sugar, or the thought of sugar, is the only common denominator we have put together. Is it just the power of suggestion? A control thing? A drama thing? I really don't know.
What I DO know is that I'm tired of this!
She was quite mad that I took her picture during her screaming fit. "Me no WANT you take my picture!" So I took another one. I sent it to Jon and told him our experiment worked. When we put Vera to bed that night she asked me why I took her picture when she was screaming. "Me pwetty?" she asked. Jon was quicker than me to say, "NO, Vera. That was NOT pretty!"
Hmmm... this seems to be some sort of control thing. Somehow she thinks that she is getting one over on your by having sugar and then screaming. Maybe someone told her at her grouppa that she couldn't have candy because she would scream? Or maybe they told her ( rewarded her) for screaming by giving her candy.
ReplyDeleteIF it was me (and its not so this is just a suggestion), I would try putting a bag of candy in her room. Tell her its got LOTS of sugar, but she is a big girl & can decide how much to eat as long as she behaves and does NOT scream. The first time she screams, make her throw it away. "Poor Vera can't have sugar. It makes her SO upset!" I did this routine with Mariah & some of her antics. I picked her up and said "ohhhh poor thing needs a nap! my goodness poor baby must be SO tired!" Then when she wanted something that had caused the problem, I would say, "Oh no poor Mariah it makes you upset!" It didn't take long for her to then want to tell me "I'm NOT tired. I want dat. I will be good!" If she started even a tiny bit with her fussing, back to bed she went "Until she wasn't tired and felt better."
I would bet that its not really sugar. Its the idea that she can do something to control you by getting something she used to get at her grouppa. I read somewhere that kids like to recreate the way things were in their past because it makes them feel in control because they recreated the way things always were.
SO... that's my thoughts. Take it for what its worth. We have our share of control issues here too! Making sure that she is alone and knows she is NOT bothering us in the least seems to be a big key to getting it to stop. Life goes on with or without Mariah. I will even force myself to hum a happy song while she's being really bad and just handle things very matter of factly. "Oh so sorry you wasted all of story time having a fit. Maybe next time you can make a better choice."
I think you sit down with her and let he know the truth. Let her know that you have discovered that sugar does not effect her in making her have a tantrum and that you know she has the ability to make the right choices and not have tantrums. Tell her how proud you were of the day when she had sugar (but thought she didn't) and that you have faith and confidence in her that she can continue to have good days like that. Maybe start a tracking chart where she gets a star on a day she doesn't fuss and have a tantrum and if there are enough stars at the end of the week she gets a special reward. (maybe a special cookie, extra time with the wii, special time with just her and Jon to take a walk or go to a park, she gets to pick what's for dinner).
ReplyDeleteMy two cents,
ReplyDeleteMight have something to do with the way the kids were always fed sweets in the orphanages. The sugar - or idea of sugar - triggers bad memories that get her out of kilter
I wonder, since sugar is the only individual ingrediant you've mentioned to her, if she would do the same if you mentioned how much fiber or iron or calcium or even vitamin C is in whatever food/drink you are all eating...?
ReplyDeleteMaybe she feeds off of your focus on sugar or your concern about sugar. If you all talked a lot about of nutrition stuff she would learn to balance herself with the knowledge that not every ingrediant in the world or that you mention is an excuse to tantrum and therefore sugar isn't one either?
Obviously it's just a thought. You know her best, even if it doesn't feel like it at times. You are doing a great job- that was a clever experiment. I know few people (me not included!) that would come up with that. It's just the beginning of Vera's life in a family. A day will come when all of this is a distant memory (which I'm sure you're sick of hearing). Hang in there!
I have taught 4 & 5 year olds for years and if there is one things I know for certain,...some of them really know how to work the system. I had one girl who did bad things and blamed it on "I can't hear you." Yes, she had tubes before, and yes, that was a viable excuse in the past, but her hearing was fine now. Even checked by the doc. One day I looked at her and told her flatly, "You may think you are getting away with this at home, but Mrs. King is much smarter than you think, so stop pulling that one one me. You can hear just fine." She blinked....repeated the excuse once more, but instead of me refuting it, I responded, "I'm sorry. I can't hear you. You need to say it agin." We did this several times until the all to SMART child finally got the point. I could hear her, and she knew it. She hasn't pulled that one on me since.
ReplyDeleteVera is going to be a little tougher nut. For our family, we never did Santa, the Easter Bunny or Tooth Fairy for the very reason that if we want our children to trust us and what we say, then we cannot pathologically lie to them.
Vera has lived in a different world with different limitations and I would be the last person to tell you what to do as a parent. I can only tell you what I would do if it was me, and it was my child. I would not tell her it did not have sugar in it. I would purchase a drink and cookie that were NOW LABELED as okay for Vera. If she asks you if it is Sugar free, don't lie. Instead, tell her it says it is okay for Vera, which truthfully, it is. If you would prefer to confront her actions instead, perhaps a conversation should start with "What controls us?" "Who controls you and your actions, Vera?" This is often how parents approach the subject with children on Ritalin. Instructing them that the medicine does help them, but ulitmately, they are in control of their own actions and behavior.
You are really putting yourself out there asking for suggestions and for myself, I will pray for you even more as now I know what to pray for. Love you guys.
I have no desire to start a discussion about this issue as I believe we've all probably been there done that, but can we be a little careful about labeling people who do the holiday characters as pathological liars? We all make decisions, with prayer, about these things, and it is offensive to me to be labelled this way. You sound VERY wise, with great ideas, but this statement could cause people to discount what you're saying because they have an emotional reaction to how you say it. I sincerely hope I have not offended you.
DeleteI don't have any suggestions, but I do think it was a very interesting and enlightening experiment!
ReplyDeleteI'm with you that it's not the actual sugar. I just wish I had suggestions as to how to creatively go about what to do next about it!
ReplyDeleteFor what it's worth, I wouldn't tell her about the experiment. While brilliant, I'm not sure what it would do to her trust level and her ability to believe other things. I do think it was a good idea, and you will laugh about it with her a few years from now, but I don't think I would do it now. I would call her bluff and simply tell her that since she tantrums when she knows she's had sugar, you can't give her sugar. None. Ever. Until she decides that she can control herself. Then the ball is in her court. She will probably decide that sugar is more important that tantrums. Maybe. We can hope. And pray. Which I will do!
ReplyDeleteWow, what a smart little girl. Can you imagine what she'll be like when you can get all of that going in the right direction?! She'll be a powerful positive force--and think where she might have been instead. I'm praying for your patience and sanity:)
I would continue to restrict the sugary items until she decides to have self-control regarding the tantrums. If all the other kids get the sugary treat and you make a point of how it is "so sad" that Vera did not get treat because she did not listen to mommy the last time she had one and screamed and had a tantrum. If she begs and promises not to have a tantrum if you let her have the sweet respond that she has already lost the opportunity for one and "we'll have to try again next time."
ReplyDeleteAlternatively if you think she could handle it cognitively you could introduce the idea of titration and start her out on just a few grains of sugar a day "which are so tiny that they don't make any difference'' and work your way up to perhaps a teaspoon saying "now you are used to sugar just like [sibling]."
Or you could have another experiment...
Here are two cookies Vera (both sugar free). Which one do you think has sugar? and which do you think has no sugar? Eat the sugar free cookie. Praise good behavior. Next day eat cookie with sugar. After tantrum inform her that they were both sugar free and that you know that sugar is not making her tantrum. Then inform her of the consequence if she choses to throw another tantrum (something she will really hate) and follow thru if it happens. Tell her that she may cry when upset but that screaming 'hurts my ears' and violence/breaking of objects will not be tolerated. I would have a separate consequence for each violation.
You might buy the whole family the foam earplugs and when Vera tantrums put her in her room and then pretend it didn't happen and ignore her until she finally comes out seeking the family. When she does pretend not to hear her speaking and skillfully avoid eye contact while busily doing tasks pretending not to have been bothered by her screaming. Eventually give a little jump and notice her and make a big show about taking out the earplugs and say "OH. Vera. There you are. Are you ready for ______ (dinner, to clean up your room, whatever had kicked off the tantrum in the first place). If tantrum kicks up again, repeat. If she is crying that loudly it is to bother others, not to soothe herself. Feeling ignored will be maddening. I would not use the earplugs when she is just crying, only when she is screaming and raging. When she is just crying acknowledge "Oh Vera sounds upset/angry/frustrated". Same thing in the car. Let her watch you put in the earplugs and ignore her the rest of the way home and then pick her up and deposit her in her room without a word or eye contact. Don't acknowledge the actual tantrum verbally during or immediately after the confrontation. Just follow thru on the pre-stated consequence (e.g remove her desert cup from the dinner table while leaving everyone else's; put a coveted item up out of reach but still in eyesight; put her to bed immediately after dinner...because she must be too tired to stay up if she has been so cranky today ;)
Good Luck and Godspeed.
Pedatrician Lurker
PS Be prepared for the behavior to intensify in volume and rage to try to get your attention despite the earplugs before it improves.
So: instead of dietary triggers, it appears that Vera has very intelligently discovered that she can use sugar as an excuse for misbehavior! What a very smart little girl - but obviously this is something which needs to be addressed. I agree with the poster above, watch out for intensification and other apparent "triggers" which are very likely just disguises for whatever is behind her outbreaks.
ReplyDeleteMy guess is that this is rooted back in the orphanage and that it certainly is a maladaptive effort at control. Why does Vera need so much control in her life at this point? That may be the real issue to focus on, not the misbehavior and "excuses" for tantruming, etc. Instead, it looks to me as if working on building additional trust and awareness of safety and permanency may be the way to go with Miss Vera.
Hope this helps - you have a very pretty, very smart little girl there!
Susan in Ky
Cousin to 2 from EE
I am just LOLing that people who do Santa are labeled "pathological liars" by some. :D LOL We actually discussed NOT doing Santa, EB, etc with our kids but in the end - since I had had it as a child and the hubs had not - we opted for the magical aspect that it brings to childhood. When our children are old enough, we let them in on the surprise and they get to help keep the magic alive for the younger kids. They all enjoy it, and as hubby and compared stories from our childhoods, we felt creating the magic was something we wanted to do. :) Further, as hubs is a psychologist, I'd recommend the poster look up a definition of "pathological"... ;)
ReplyDeleteBut I digress... VERY interesting discovery, Amy. I am not sure what I'd do... we've had struggles with ZP doing things like claiming he has to use the potty when we're having something for dinner that he doesn't like, or dumping out his water when he thinks no one is looking, or pretending to be drinking his water but not actually putting anything in his mouth. This whole tantrum thing - it's SO frustrating to deal with and definitely something you want to be able to help her eliminate from her behavior. I am kinda with Susan on it being a maladaptive effort to control her environment. I guess I'm leaning toward telling her that you KNOW sugar does NOT affect her the way she's acting like it does, and trying a sticker/reward chart to help her correct her behavior. We have to do that with our 5yo bio son just to keep him from throwing nightly fits at bedtime, lol. I'm sure you'll decide what's best, and you know everyone has an opinion... Good luck getting it figured out, friend. <3