Bedtime

Several of you left some very helpful comments, both here and on Facebook, on my last post about Vera and sugar and tantrums.

I'm curious about your thoughts on this one.

Vera turns into a pumpkin between 8:15 and 8:30 each night. Well, maybe pumpkin isn't the right word.

Jack-O-Lantern is a bit more appropriate.

We usually start the bedtime routine around 7:45 with tooth-brushing, pottying, getting pj's on, giving big hugs, drinking of water, saying prayers and finally to bed. We have found that if we wait, even just 15 minutes, she turns into what I call 'Crazy Vera.' I don't really know how to explain it except she just gets ornery, defiant, disobedient, seemingly uncontrollable and she giggles her ornery giggle the whole time. She can be perfectly fine all day long (yes, it does happen), but if we wait just a few minutes to start the bedtime routine, she loses it. And she can't even tell time. This happens with Jon more often than not, though it is improving. It seems like that's part of it, because she's rarely ornery with me at bedtime anymore.

Now, it's not often that Vera gets to bed late, but Jon and I have noticed this little phenomenon and have discussed it in front of Vera and a few times with Vera. Sometimes she asks me why she can't stay up late like the big kids do. At times I've told her that she's only 6. When she's older, like Jacob, Caleb and Abbi, she'll get to stay up later too. A few times I've told her that we've noticed that when she stays up 'late' (as in past 8:30), she doesn't seem to be able to behave and I gave her some examples.

Last Saturday one of Jon's co-workers and friends invited us over for a FABULOUS, homemade, traditional Japanese meal. It was a special Japanese holiday and they invited us to celebrate with them...we later learned we were the first American family they had ever had over for dinner. What an honor! Anyway, when they were working out the details, Jon asked his friend if it could be an early dinner so that we could get Vera to bed on time. We ended up leaving a bit later than we had expected to (but it was totally worth it!). By the time Vera got to bed that night, it was 8:45. Of course, it was dark when we left and Jon had told her on the way home that it was past her bedtime and we had to hurry and get ready for bed. Let's just say getting ready for bed that night was not pleasant. Thankfully for me, it was Jon's turn.

Vera seems to have zeroed in on this little tidbit just like she zeroed in on the sugar tantrums when we started talking about them. Every night now when I tell her it's time to brush teeth, she asks me, with her little smirky smile, if it's late. When I say, "No, it's not late. It's just time to brush teeth," she frowns.

She wants an excuse to misbehave.

You have no idea how frustrating this is. Well, some of you do.

We have no intentions of doing a bedtime experiment like we did with the sugar, although if we were going to, Saturday might be a good opportunity since we're setting clocks ahead. If we start the bedtime routine with Vera at the normal time, but tell her it's an hour late, any predictions on what will happen?

So, here are my questions for you...why does she look for opportunities to tantrum and misbehave? What's in it for her? Control? Attention? Is it just a phase? And...what do we do about it? I know, I know...put her to bed on time and don't tell her if we give her something sugary. Seriously though...

Also, and sort of related (I think...maybe)...we had thunderstorms last Friday night. They started right after I put Vera to bed. Lots of thunder and lightning. And a bit of stimming from Vera. She rarely stims at bedtime anymore and I didn't put the two together. Duh. The next morning as I was brushing Vera's hair I asked her why she had stimmed the night before. She told me she was scared. I asked her what scared her and she said the loud noise and lights scared her. I felt so bad. I had gone into her room when she was stimming and she didn't tell me she was scared. Poor little thing. So I told her that the next time she is scared at night she should call Daddy or I and we'll come to her because we DO NOT want her to be scared and alone. Ever.

So over lunch that day Vera told Jon about the conversation she and I had that morning. Jon still has a hard time understanding her sometimes so I translated for him. I emphasized that I told Vera she can CALL us when she's scared but Jon didn't pick up on it. He confirmed what I told Vera and added, "Or, you can just come get us." As I reeled in shock that Jon had just given Vera permission to get out of bed at night, he realized what he had said and tried to take it back. "Actually, Vera, you can just call us. We can always hear you from your room. You don't need to come get us. Just call us." I knew what we were in for and told Jon she would definitely be getting out of bed that night...I just wondered how long it would take. Jon was hopeful and really didn't think she would. Jon was in charge of watching Vera on the monitor that night (we need to know if she stims), and about 20 minutes after Vera was tucked safely in her bed I was in the laundry room totally oblivious to what had transpired. Sure enough, Vera had gotten out of bed. She has NEVER, in the 8 months since we've been home, gotten out of bed once the lights were out. Jon met her in the hallway and asked what she was doing.

"Me scawed, Daddy."

"What are you scared of, Vera?"

She smiles.

"Caws."

"You're scared of the cars?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"Me no know."

"I know you're not scared, Vera. Do you know how I know? Because you're smiling. People don't smile when they're scared."

And back to bed she went.

Yep. He nipped that one right in the bud. She hasn't tried it again. Thank goodness!

So...anyone have some insights to share? We're all ears.