Light Bulb

If you've seen Despicable Me, say it with me...

Liiiight. Bulb.

If you haven't seen Despicable Me or you need a refresher, it goes like this

We had a big light bulb weekend with Vera. And all I can say is PRAISE THE LORD!

My last two posts about sugar, tantrums, bedtime and misbehavior got some good discussion going. We gleaned lots of wisdom,, asked many questions, read a bunch, gleaned more wisdom and began putting many things together.

Oy.

The control issues this girl has.

Several people have told me over the past few months that Vera likely has a strong need for control, which is very, very common for former orphans. Honestly, I didn't get it. I mean, I get it. But I don't. We read a whole lot the past few years about control issues that orphans have, but I still didn't get it. I didn't SEE it. I've been told by many that Vera is trying to control the situation in many, if not most or even all cases of her screaming and other misbehaviors. But that couldn't be true. I mean, Jon and I are in charge. She knows that. We know that. The big kids know that. Mommy and Daddy are in charge.

Well, we may be in charge, but Vera has very much been in control...for many months. Until now.

Liiiight. Bulb.

I shared on Facebook earlier this week that we began a new tactic with Vera and it seems to be working. I have been asked over and over, "So, what's your new tactic? What are you doing differently with Vera?" In a nutshell, we're ignoring the behaviors that we would normally correct. We're not spanking, putting her in timeout, removing toys and privileges, etc. We're just ignoring. Well, not exactly ignoring, but not giving attention to it. If she starts to fuss/cry/scream, we send her to her room. If she disobeys, defies, says 'no' or 'I don't want to' when we ask her to do something, we send her to her room. If she argues or refuses to do what we ask, we send her to her room. We tell her that when she's calm, ready to apologize and ready to behave she can come out. That's it in a nutshell.

Liiiight. Bulb.

Our first morning with this new tactic was rough. I won't lie. It was rough. Jon got most of the brunt of that one since I was busy creating Caleb's campfire cake for his birthday party later that afternoon. And let me just share a photo of it, because it turned out pretty darn awesome if I do say so myself.

Boy, did Vera test out this new tactic. Would it be the same every time? Yep. Would we give her attention for anything? Nope. WE knew that, but she had to try it out. And she was not happy that we did not give her the attention she was seeking. Jon repeatedly sent her to her room and the key was he did not engage her pleas. When she said, "I all done cwying, " she still had to go to her room (because it's never true when she says that). When she would try to engage him (as she always does), he would just repeat that when she was calm, ready to apologize and behave, she could come out. The key, we have discovered, is in not engaging. Not giving attention to the negative behaviors. And it is SO HARD not to engage. You have no idea. She cries. She begs. She whines. She negotiates. We used to answer her pleas. Which was what she wanted. She would drag it out just to have our attention. When it was Jon's turn to brush teeth, Vera could drag it out for 30 minutes, sometimes more. I tried to tell Jon a few times that she was playing him like a fiddle, but like I said, we just didn't SEE it for what it was. Control. Attention and control.

Liiiight. Bulb.

No more. We finally see the light. We finally see how she controlled each situation. No. More.

No more engaging with her through tears, trying to convince her to stop screaming, explaining the consequences, threatening and administering spankings or loss or privileges. While in her room Saturday morning, she really pulled out all the stops...throwing toys, banging things on her door, screaming, laying down and kicking and banging her head on the floor, smacking her head with her hands...things we haven't seen in a very long time and we would normally go in and put a stop to. We did not engage. We just waited for her to calm down and come apologize. We think we finally put together that 99.9% of her bad behaviors are for control and attention, so we're not playing into it. The rest is hopefully normal 6 year old girl stuff.

The kicker, when the light bulb really shined, was when she would giggle. She'd be just screaming away, pause, giggle, and then continue screaming. She was not out of control as any normal parent would think. She knew exactly what she was doing.

Liiiight. Bulb.

The last time, well, second to the last time, she got sent to her room on Saturday, she knew I was waiting to give her a bath. She was perfectly calm in her room playing and giggling, thinking she was in control and keeping me from doing what I wanted to do. Instead, I got in the shower myself. When she came and apologized to Jon, she heard my water running and realized I was not waiting for her. I chuckled when I heard her screaming, "MOMMY! ME BAF! MOMMY! ME WANT BAF! MOMMY! ME BAF NOW!" And back to her room she went. After that incident, she was the most pleasant little thing. We think we finally saw the real Vera Saturday afternoon/evening and all day Sunday. She was different. Her demeanor and how she treated me, especially, was different. Much more affectionate...genuine affection. She was calm and relaxed. And so agreeable. Very different.

Liiiight. Bulb.

Of course, with Jon back at work on Monday (after being home for 4 days), she tested to see if it was still the same with just me here. But I knew it was coming and was mentally prepared. She screamed and tantrumed in her room a good part of the morning. She even bit herself a few times, which I'm sure was not enjoyable for her. At one point, when I still did not put a stop to it, she got quiet, sat down on her floor in the "W" position (which we ALWAYS correct her for), stuck her fingers in her mouth (she is only allowed to suck her fingers at bedtime) and stared at the video monitor. Like, whatcha gonna do about it, Mommy? She was baiting me. Waiting for me to come tell her to fix her legs and stop sucking her fingers. The self control I exercised amazed me. Everything in me wanted to go correct her. But I held strong. And after a few minutes, Vera got up and started playing.

Liiiight. Bulb.

It's all control. The sugar thing. The bedtime thing. I think even the tantrum and screaming thing. We gave attention to and discussed the sugar thing. We did the same with the bedtime thing. And how many times over the past 8 months have the tantrums and screaming come up? Countless. She KNEW it drove me crazy. Vera learned at the orphanage that screaming got her what she wanted...candy and who knows what else. She was rewarded for misbehavior. Here, the screaming got her attention. She was rewarded for it, even though WE did not see it that way. By bringing attention to these behaviors, we gave Vera power. We told her she always had a tantrum after having sugar. Power. We told her she got crazy if she went to bed late. Power. She knew the screaming drove us all bonkers. Power. We gave her a license to misbehave by pointing these things out to her.

Liiiight. Bulb.

I sure hope this all makes sense to you. I know some of you have already lived this with your own little darlings in different ways and are probably nodding your head and wondering what took us so long to figure this out. I also know that unless you've lived it, it's hard to understand. It's hard to see it for what it really is. There have been many days that I have really felt like I'm losing my mind trying to get through to Vera. Everything I learned to do while parenting the older kids did not make a difference with Vera. If it weren't for my awesome older kids, I would really have doubted my parenting abilities. Those of you who know my older kids know how wonderful they are...I'm not making it up. They are just all around great kids, always a pleasure to be with, and I am so very proud of them. Jon and I know we can't take credit for all of it, but we did have something to do with it. In a way, they have been my proof that at one time I knew how to guide and discipline little ones. Vera...she's in a class all by herself. She literally got me to my breaking point. But that's for another post. To be shared later. Maybe.

I will be honest...ignoring Vera goes against every single one of our parental instincts. We never just ignored the other kids for misbehavior. We addressed it...dealt with it...disciplined. I guess that's what they mean when they say you can't parent your adopted child(ren) the same way you parent your biological child(ren). We strongly believe that even spanking Vera gave her an odd sort of pleasure. Like, it was satisfying to her that she got us to that point. Frequently (mostly with Jon) she would giggle after a spanking. We only spanked her for direct defiance/disobedience, but I think Vera thought she was controlling us by doing things that would warrant a spanking. I guess in a way she was right. She did control our actions. She would do things she knew she'd get a spanking for which, in turn, would give her the desired outcome, which in turn, gave her satisfaction that she was in control. Timeouts became a joke because after we wrestled and argued with her for 10 or 20 minutes and got her to sit still, she would just sit there and smile her ornery smile.

Liiiight. Bulb.

Normally, Vera is awful when Jon is home. I somewhat dreaded weekends or days that Jon works from home because I knew Vera was going to be a pill. A bigger pill than normal, that is. This too was all control. Jon had a habit of going to Vera's room after being sent there for screaming and trying to 'talk her down' as I call it. I think she counted on this. I think she wanted it. She knew that when Jon is home, she could get his attention by misbehaving. It usually takes me about 40 minutes to stretch Vera each day. When Jon does it, it takes two hours or more. Two hours. Because of all the whining, arguing and orniness that Vera would dish out. Whenever Jon tries to talk to me or one of the big kids, Vera interrupts. Every. Time. She wants his attention. And it's not that he doesn't give her any. Truly. He spends a great deal of time with Vera playing and doing fun things. She just enjoys the control of interrupting and taking his attention away from anyone else. But we're on to her. It was a good thing that Jon was the one to begin our new tactic. She especially needed it to come from him.

Liiiight. Bulb.

So now I've been wondering what to do when Vera starts a screaming fit in the van. It's not like we can send her to her room if she misbehaves while we're out and about. Someone suggested ear plugs. We loved this idea and bought earplugs for us and the big kids to keep in the van. If she starts, we will all just put in our earplugs. Of course, we'll still be able to hear her, but she won't know that. Hopefully the visual of us putting them in will be enough that Vera will see we won't give her attention for screaming. Though I'm sure at first she'll scream even louder just to make her point. Another friend gave a different suggestion and I truly can't wait to try it out. The big kids will benefit from it also, so I think they're looking forward to the next time Vera screams in the van. If it works, I'll let you know.

Another whole aspect to this control issue is who sees Vera's tantrums and orneriness. My mom has come for a visit. So has my dad. So has Jon's sister. None of them saw what I am telling you about. Before co-op started, I had no idea what to expect from Vera and I sent a long email to her teachers just to prepare them for what may come. They don't believe me. At co-op and Sunday School, Vera is just as cute and sweet as can be. And she ALWAYS sits on the floor correctly. At home we probably tell her to fix her legs (from the "W" sit) 8 or 10 times a day. When my dad came, Vera started to fuss one day and normally it would have led to a tantrum. I think she remembered that he was here and changed her tune pretty quickly. She is in total control of her behavior and who sees it. That's just another whole reason that sometimes I feel like I'm losing my mind. I tell people how she really is and they don't believe me.

I made this one day just to make myself feel better.

It was incredibly therapeutic.

I wish I could tell you how much I am enjoying the real Vera. She is so pleasant. And sweet. And calm and relaxed. The difference is so amazing, I can't even tell you. I haven't heard 'nope' or 'I don't want to' since Saturday. It used to be multiple times a day. I might actually agree with the next person who says, "Oh, she is SO cute!" We'll see. Of course, she could very well be behaving so nicely as another attempt at control. I am fully aware of this possibility. But for now, I'm just going to enjoy the new Vera as long as I can. There's no telling how long she'll be here.

So, thank you to all who commented and helped us figure this out. The past few days have been wonderful. I feel like peace has finally been restored to the Evans family. I am so thankful and am really praying this lasts. Feel free to join me.