ONE WHOLE WEEK!!! And a New Thing

I'm celebrating tonight. It has been ONE WHOLE WEEK since Vera screamed. ONE WHOLE WEEK since she had a tantrum. It's been ONE WHOLE WEEK since she has told me 'no' or 'I don't want to.' ONE WHOLE WEEK with no disobedience or defiance. No evil eye. No smirky smile. Nothing. Nothing but smiles, 'I love you's', sweetness, peace, laughter, fun...I'm telling you, she is a new child.

She even had a sucker yesterday and knew there was sugar in it!

Thursday or Friday morning Vera asked me to help her with something in her room. I told her I would in 5 minutes; first I needed to finish what I was doing. She started to fuss. She turned around to head back to her room, still fussing. I prepared for the screaming to start. Instead, she stopped fussing, turned around to look back at me, smiled, said, 'Okay Mommy. I obey you,' and went to her room where she patiently waited for me. I could hardly believe it. I was SO PROUD of her! She did it! She fought the urge to begin screaming. YAY, Vera! I can't even tell you how thankful I am for this turnaround. SO THANKFUL!

All that said, she now has a new thing going. Not a bad thing. Just a new thing. After her second whole day of no screaming, she got out of bed after about 30 minutes of lying there and told me her head hurt. She hadn't complained about a headache all day so I didn't know if she was telling me the truth. I gave her a toddler dose of Tylenol to tide her over just in case. The next day she complained of a few different ailments. Her arms hurt. She could feel her blood 'bumping' in her body. Her leg hurt. Odd little complaints though she was still happy and played and did all her normal activities. Jon and I were a bit concerned and decided that if she had similar complaints the next day, we would have her checked out. I think the only specialist she has not seen in the past 8 months is a cardiologist. Maybe it was time.

But the next day she was fine. Until bedtime. Since the screaming and tantrums have ceased, Vera is getting out of bed every night with a different complaint. She's hot. She's cold. She needs socks on. She needs to blow her nose (even though there's nothing to blow out). Her hands are stinky and need to be washed. The cars are too noisy. One night she told me that her blood hurts. I posted that one on the Vera's Journey Home Group on Facebook.

I have a friend who has lots and lots of training and experience with kids like Vera. She sent me a message and explained what she thought was going on with Vera. It makes total sense. I thought I'd share this here, first to help you all understand Vera and second, because some of you might have a child like Vera and this may be helpful to you. It sure was helpful to Jon and I. He and I laugh every time this friend tells us what to expect next because there hasn't been a time yet when she was wrong. Usually she tells us after it's already begun and we go, "Oohhhh. So THAT'S why Vera is doing this."

Here's what she told us about Vera's new bedtime thing:

When a child is constantly attention seeking, it often is because they are not comfortable with "life"- with sensory input for some kids, with not being able to "read" people with others (very common for orphanage kids where everyone was fake to keep the peace and so kids didn't get to see real emotions and consequences naturally), etc. Some kids literally don't know how to cope when it is quiet, or not the center of attention- it's part of the way their systems reacted during early attachment years, and supposedly has to do with residual cortisol levels and dopamine production/neurotransmitter function.

Anyway- the fact that Vera is adjusting and is having to learn to deal with her own "calming" rather than relying on a psychological or physiological "release" from instigating conflict/confrontation is really good. What she may be describing is her trying to explain that she feels different. In the past, when she felt tense, (which could happen because she sensed tension, exhaustion, frustration, excitement, any intense emotion or void of emotion), she likely either stimmed to relieve her feelings, or stirred chaos in the household- oddly, a fight (verbal or physical rage), sex, or drugs all produce similar endorphin rushes and dopamine dumps in the brain/body. Now, she's having to adjust to "feeling". The fact that she's describing that she can actually feel it tells you she is a) sensitive to her body- another indicator of early stress- poor Vera and b) she's making progress.

She's having trouble regulating the way she feels. She's used to having a dopamine release every day- sometimes multiple times a day (every time she pushes you and gets herself angry/excited, she gets it), and now, she's not getting it and feels the void. I know it can seem like attention getting- and truthfully, some of it may be- but the phrases you described are also very typical for a child that is trying to describe what it feels like when their body is "buzzing" as I've heard other kids describe it.

Isn't that fascinating? It makes complete sense, doesn't it? My poor Vera.

My friend also gave us some suggestions...have Vera run around more during the day, jump on the trampoline, dance, do an obstacle course, etc. She also gave us some ideas for muscle relaxation exercises to do before bed. I'm so thankful for friends who have been there/done that and are so willing to share their wisdom.

My friend also told me she's impressed...Vera is making such good progress...

And that we should consider being therapeutic foster parents.

To which I laugh and say HA! There is not enough money in the world...