Marbles

I've been working on another post for a long time.  We've had many hard conversations and good breakthroughs with Vera the past few months.  Sometimes it's just hard to know how much to share.  How much is too much?  What things, if any, are too personal?  What incidents are too real for the real world?  So, I'll sit on that post and keep working on it for awhile.  It's already pretty long...I'll have to split it up so you'll actually read the whole thing.  :)

Anyway, since Abbi blogged about the marbles last week, I thought I should give a bit more information.  Just so you don't think we're terribly mean parents.

Vera asks questions.

All.  Day.  Long.

From the time she gets up until the time she goes to bed, she asks questions.  Some questions are what I call 'normal' questions.  What are we doing today?  What's for dinner?  Can I help you?  Can I play on the computer?  You know...normal questions.  Other questions have obvious answers and don't really need to be asked.  I can be folding clothes or washing dishes or reading a book and Vera will come ask me what I'm doing.  Um...what AM I doing, Vera?  She will smile sheepishly and tell me what I'm doing.  She does this to the big kids too.  When they come upstairs for whatever reason, Vera practically runs to them and bombards them with questions.

Here's a good example for you.  Vera was fitted for a walker a few weeks ago.  A very nice man came out to size her and figure out what she needs.  These were Vera's rapid-fire questions for him.

Why you come here?  What your name?  Why dat your name?  You have mommy?  You live your mommy?  Why you no live your mommy?  What your job?  Why?  Dat (the walker) heavy?  Why?  Why it big?  Where you live?  Why you live der?  You live big house?  Your house far away?  It cost lotsa money?  Why?  You have lotsa money?  You have job?  Why?  What your job?  Why you do dat?  You have cat?  What your cat's name?  Can I see your cat?  You have dog?  What your dog's name?  Can I see it?  You have kids?  Why?  Your kids live with you?  Why?  You eat lunch?  What you eat?  Why?  You have car?  Why you have van?  Why your van white?  It cost lotsa money? You leave now?  Why?  Where you going?  Why?  etc. etc.

I finally rescued him and told Vera no more questions.  As he was leaving, the very nice, patient walker man looked at me said, "She's a very interesting little girl."  Indeed.

This is Vera.  She asks her PT things like this during her hour each week.  She asked her doctor at her check up a few weeks ago.  Any unsuspecting adult or child becomes her newest victim.  She asked the orthotist things like this when she was casted for her new AFO's.  Except then, she had books in front of her.  If she has a picture book, she asks questions about everything she sees.  Dat horse?  Why it big (or small)?  Why it brown?  Why it eat apples?  Horse have mommy?  Why?  Horse bite me?  Why?  Horse eat me?  Where horse live?  Why? She will ask all of these questions and more about every single animal she sees.  The first time she asks, it's not a big deal.  I know she's learning.  I get that.  But the 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 12th, 23rd time...it gets a little old.  And frustrating.  Because about 10 seconds after she asks a question, she asks the same question again.  It's like Groundhog Day.  Round and round we go.  A few weeks ago, Vera's best little friend came over to play.  Vera asked Ella questions all day long and Ella patiently answered them, while I enjoyed a nice break.  As I drove Ella and her brother home that afternoon, Vera continued to assail Ella with questions.  As we pulled into her driveway, Ella sighed and said, "Vera!  You ask a LOT of questions!"  Welcome to my world!

Enter the marbles.  I was quickly losing my marbles, if you will, answering the same questions all day, every day and asked advice from one of my adoption support groups.  We changed up one of the suggestions given and gave Vera a bag with 25 marbles.  We told Vera that every time she asks a 'marble' question, she has to bring us a marble.  Once her marbles are gone for the day, she may not ask more questions.  A marble question is anything she asks more than once OR a question that we know she knows the answer to because it's obvious or because she's asked it 148 times already.  We gave her 25 marbles for a few days and then gradually began taking them away.  Our goal was to get down to 5 marbles a day before school started.  It was noted by each therapist who evaluated her that Vera could not focus on anything else until her questions were answered.  We have noticed it too.  We want her to work on focusing and listening and paying attention.  We want her to start thinking about what she's about to say before she blurts it out.  On our 2nd or 3rd day of the marbles, Vera sat down next to me and asked me if she'll be able to ask questions at school. I told her she can ask SOME questions, but there will be 20 other kids in her class and she won't be sitting and asking her teacher questions all day long.  I told her she will be LISTENING to her teacher and learning.  She frowned.  School should be interesting.  At co-op there were several times that Vera would be sitting with her classmates listening to her teacher present the lesson and Vera would just get up and go start playing.  She had no idea that she was supposed to be sitting and listening to her teacher.

The marbles are definitely helping.  Vera is starting to stop herself as she's about to ask a question and realize she already knows the answer.  Though a few days ago she got mad at me.  She asked me if she could watch a movie and I told her 'not right now.'  I told her that if and when she could watch a movie, I would tell her.  Then she asked me 3 more times if she could watch a movie and lost that privilege for the day because she knew the answer.  She learned though.  We had the same conversation the other day and she did not ask me again.  Progress.

Vera's 1st/7th Birthday

Sidenote: I completely forgot to mention this on my last post. Last week I was brushing Vera's hair one morning. Totally out of the blue she told me that we've seen her mad face and her 'cwying' face and that from now on she's going to show us her happy face. That was significant, people. She said it with such sincerity. That was when *I* knew that SHE knew that we had turned a corner. Praise the Lord!!

Anyway...

Vera's birthday was on Easter. So much significance there.

But that's for another post.

Is it just me, or is there finally peace in those little eyes?

Vera's best little friend has a Leap Pad and Vera wanted one desperately. She would tell Jon and I, and Jacob and Caleb and Abbi, and her physical therapist and anyone else who would listen, that she wanted a Leap Pad for her birthday. She told us MANY times every single day that she wanted a Leap Pad for her birthday. Ever since the day after Christmas (and I'm NOT kidding), she would ask me EVERY DAY if today is her birthday and then tell me she wants a Leap Pad for her birthday. When I would tell her that today is not her birthday she would ask if tomorrow is. And she would tell me again (after having just told me) that she wants a Leap Pad for her birthday. She would tell me when we were stretching that she wants a Leap Pad. She would tell me when we were eating any meal or snack. She would tell me when I would brush her hair and again when I would brush her teeth. She would tell me as I wiped her rear-end. She would tell me on the way to band. And co-op. And physical therapy. And the grocery store. She would tell me at bedtime. She must have told me no less than a dozen times a day that she wants a Leap Pad for her birthday. She even had a tantrum about it one day. She cried and yelled and kicked on the floor, "Me want Leap Pad! Me want Leap Pad!" It was first thing in the morning and I hadn't had any coffee yet. I told her if she wanted a Leap Pad she better KNOCK IT OFF RIGHT NOW because there's NO WAY she's getting a Leap Pad after acting like that! She stopped and was pleasant the rest of the day. A few weeks ago I got sick. I mean...I got S I C K. Jon was out of town and I came down with a stomach bug. I was so miserable. I felt like I had been run over by a semi. One evening during this sickness, I was getting Vera ready for bed. She told me for the millionth time that she wants a Leap Pad for her birthday. I should've kept my mouth shut. Instead, I looked right at her face and said, "Vera. I. don't. care." I know. You can hand me the Mother of the Year Award now. The funny thing is, Vera didn't seem to mind my response. And after that, she only brought up the Leap Pad every now and then.

She told Jon and I that in Ukraine she always got a piece of candy on her birthday. We asked if they did anything else and she said, 'No.' A piece of candy. No cake. No candles. No party. No gifts. No singing. Just a piece of candy. Vera wanted to have her birthday party at her best little friend's house. I told her that's not usually how it works. Honestly, I wrestled about her party. I know she's never had one before and I wanted to throw her a HUGE first, 7th birthday party. But I also had a hunch that she was really stressed and anxious about her birthday.

I've read in several books and heard from several people living it, that birthdays can be stressful for adopted kids. A lot of kids think about their birth parents on their birthday. They imagine what life would be like with them. They wonder why they were abandoned. Why they lived in an orphanage for however many years. Honestly, I don't think about Vera's birth mother (or father) very much. I'm not sure why. I know lots of women who think a lot about their child's birth mom. I don't. Maybe because I just know that I was meant to be Vera's mommy and that's that. But the fact is, I did not give birth to Vera. She is not a mix of Jon and I like Jacob, Caleb and Abbi are. I have no memories or pictures of Vera as a baby. Or a toddler. Or a preschooler. I only have 9 months of memories with Vera. And she's 7 years old.

Vera asked me recently, "Mommy...you have mommy and daddy when you little?"

"Yes, Vera. When I was little I had a mommy and daddy."

"No, when you wiwwy smaw. You have mommy and daddy? You baby?"
"Yes. When I was a really small baby, I had a mommy and daddy."

If you know Vera, picture her puzzled expression at this point. She raised her hands and asked, "Why?" She truly did not understand this concept.

Why did I have a mommy and daddy when I was really small?

How would you answer this?

I choked back the lump in my throat, blinked back my tears and simply told her that that's how it's supposed to be. God wants ALL babies to have a mommy and a daddy. Sometimes it just takes a little while for that to happen.

So, I was in a quandry about her birthday party. It was just so hard to predict how she would be. Would she love every minute of it or would she freak out and have to leave her own first 7th birthday party? It could've gone either way. In the end, we decided to go to the zoo. We invited some good friends, including Vera's best little friend. We thought the zoo would be good because it involved the whole family and friends, and it didn't focus on anything materialistic. Vera had told Jon and I few times that she wanted her friends to watch her at her birthday party. She wanted them to watch her throw a ball. We told her that might not be very much fun for her friends. The zoo was sounding better and better.

So, that's what we did.

We were blessed with a perfect, gorgeous day for the event!

Vera LOVED the goats in the petting zoo.

Below - the girls watching a caterpillar

The elephants!

Honestly, there were many, many days that the last thing I wanted to get Vera was a Leap Pad. I was SO SICK of hearing about it. BUT...we got her one. Her excitement made the frustration of hearing about it for the past 4 months worth it.

We told Vera she could have anything she wanted for her birthday dinner. We could go to any restaurant she wanted or we could make something at home. Her choice: pancakes at home.

She LOVED getting to help make her cake. Can you tell?

Oh my!

This was where I took over with stirring.

All ready to bake!

Sprinkles! What fun!

The masterpiece!

Vera chose the "7" candle. The sparkly one. Of course.

I wish we had been video-taping her blowing out her candles.

She blew and blew and blew. And finally got the last one out!

It ended up that Vera DID get to go to her best little friends house on her birthday.

They had invited us over for lunch. Complete with an Easter egg hunt.

The boys hid all the eggs and the girls hunted.

Egg hunts are GREAT PT!

Vera's stash. She had NO IDEA whatsover that each egg contained chocolate.

I removed all the chocolate and she's been happy as a clam to play with the eggs.

What she doesn't know won't hurt her. Right?

Easter morning

I heart my kids

Anxiety

Last time I told you about our lovely reunion in Alabama. I was able to have a long talk with Renee that weekend. Okay, I'll be honest...I hogged her...and I really got to pick her brain about some things. She had made some observations about us and shared them with me. She was right on about everything. She even noticed things I've never mentioned to anyone except Jon. She's very insightful.

As we talked about Vera and I asked and asked and she graciously answered and answered, she finally said, "That sounds like anxiety to me."

Anxiety. OF COURSE! Why hadn't I thought of that?!

I didn't sleep a wink that night. I kept thinking about everything Renee had told me trying to make myself remember so I could tell Jon the next day. I kept thinking of more questions I needed to ask. Does anxiety relate to this? Would anxiety cause that? I was messaging Renee on our drive home asking some of my questions. I also did some reading about anxiety and some of Vera's...quirks. A few things Renee said fit Vera to a "T". "Constant anxiety means even minor things can cause true distress. A kid with anxiety has very little tolerance for anything out of the ordinary - it's total panic mode."

Anxiety explains SO MUCH about Vera...

Why she needs routine so desperately.

Why she asks the same question over and over and over until we are all ready to pull our hair out. Or hers. I used to think this was a control thing. But from what I read, an anxious person finds comfort in predictable answers so they will repeat questions. And repeat and repeat and repeat.

Her intense startle reflex (which could also be CP related).

Her obsessions. Oy.

Why she loses her cool so quickly and panics when she misplaces something. I have never seen anything like it.

Why her little hoards of cut up/torn up paper are so important to her.

Why she falls apart so quickly and panics when we don't understand what she's trying to tell us.

Why new places and experiences cause her to panic. Though we didn't recognize it as panic/anxiety. Now we do. And it totally fits.

Why it took 8 months for her to learn how to count to 5 and still thinks an "A" is an "O".

Anxiety even explains some (though not all) of her tantrums.

Vera has always been...high strung. It has never taken much to set her off. We used to talk about her very short, almost non-existent fuse and her quick temper. Now we know...it's anxiety. Most of it is anyway. Are any of you wondering what caused Vera's anxiety? Well, it could be spending her first 6 years in an orphanage. It could be being told that if she couldn't walk, no one would want to adopt her. It could be the fact that 3 different couples went to adopt Vera, met her, were introduced to her as Mama and Papa, and then left her there. That would play with her mind a little, don't you think? It could be that we changed everything about Vera's life...her home, her friends, her foods, her country, her language...everything.

Really it could be any or all of the above or something I haven't even thought of yet. However, I believe a ginormous part of her anxiety has been me in an indirect way. Ever since we got home, I have wondered about Vera and what she thinks about how she got here. You may remember when we first got home, she would look at our family pictures and ask where she was. She would look at the big kids' baby albums and ask where hers was. Did she think I gave birth to her and then left her in an orphanage for 6 years? Well, I discovered recently that that is EXACTLY what she thought. She thought I had carried her in my tummy, had her and left her in Ukraine for 6 years. Poor little thing. Can you imagine what the past 9 months must have been like for her? NO WONDER she had so much rage! I also think some of our photos caused her anxiety. We still have photos of Leanna around the house. Vera has never, not once, asked about her, though she has asked about every other person in every other photo. I wonder if she's afraid of the answer. Has she been wondering all this time when she will no longer be here just like the girl in our photos is no longer here? My poor little Vera. Anyway, I explained to Vera that she had been in someone else's tummy and that we didn't know about her until she was almost 6. She has been different ever since we had that conversation. She is SO much more relaxed now. It's like her wall is coming down. She trusts me now. She is letting me be her mommy. I finally feel like I'm her mommy. If Jon and I are both home, she now seeks me out for most things where she used to prefer Jon for everything. When we're out and about now, she'll reach for my hand instead of insisting on holding Jon's hand. Now she begins almost every day by saying, "You my mommy always, always. I your daughter always, always."

So, you may be wondering what we're doing about this new little anxiety discovery. We saw HUGE improvements in Vera when we had our lightbulb weekend. But she would still get spun up so fast about little things and it didn't take much at all for her to escalate to screaming and/or a tantrum.

Renee gave me some very helpful ideas about how to help Vera stay calm when she goes into panic mode. They're all much easier to see in person than to try to describe. We've tried a few of the techniques over the past few weeks and it's definitely helping. Another very wonderful friend of mine taught me how to do the brushing technique and joint compressions on Vera. We're doing that every morning and evening. That also seems to be helping. I can now recognize Vera's anxious face and her controlling face and I respond accordingly. That in itself has been a huge thing. Responding accordingly. My reaction to her action has been a very important piece of the puzzle.

The changes in Vera lately have really been dramatic. And part of it has been me. Realizing her state of anxiousness filled me with such compassion for her. Realizing the difference between her control issues and her anxiety issues helped me handle her much more lovingly and with much more grace and patience. Praise God!

I mentioned that Vera has improved...here are a few examples. The other day we had to go somewhere. I carried her LeapPad downstairs for her and put it in the van next to my seat. As Vera was getting in to her seat, she asked me where her LeapPad was. I told her it was next to my purse, but it was under a book so she couldn't see it. Normally, she either would have demanded to see it OR thrown a fit because she couldn't see it next to my purse. She simply said, "Okay, Mommy," and got in her seat. I couldn't believe it.

Improvement #2 - we were on our way home the other day and Vera was playing with a tub of zoo animals that Caleb had given her for her birthday. The tub rolled away as I made a turn and Vera couldn't reach it. Normally, she would've fussed and cried until we got home and she could get the tub. This time, she told me it was okay and that she'd wait until we got home and then she'd get her tub. Astonishing! Seriously.

Improvement #3 - Vera can now count to 11 and recognizes those written numbers. And she can write her name almost perfectly. When she wants to.

Improvement #4 - The other morning at church, Vera had left her Bible in the van. We were on our way to potty before the service started and she mentioned her Bible. I told her we would go potty and get a drink and then if there was time, I would go out and get her Bible. A few weeks ago she would've cried and demanded, "You need get my Bible NOW!" Instead she said, "It's okay. If no have time, me use Bible in the seat." Wow. I was stunned.

She's getting there, folks. I think true healing is finally beginning. And we are thankful!

Meetings and Reunions

A few weeks ago I had my very first weekend away since coming home with Vera last July. My good friend, Laura, and I drove up to SC for a homeschool conference. Laura came home on Saturday after the conference ended, but I stayed an extra night just to be alone for awhile. It was truly glorious. How I needed that break!

One of the highlights of my weekend was getting to meet my precious friend. Julia is also a Reece's Rainbow mom. Her son actually started out at Vera's baby home, but was sadly transferred to hell on earth. A mental institution. Even though he has no mental problems.

It was a blessing to meet Julia and spend at least an hour each day with her at her Biblioplan booth. I loved purchasing my Biblioplan curriculum from her personally! Julia is a treasure...the real deal. Her love and compassion for the children left behind is palpable. Her heart for orphans is ginormous. She is one of my heroes!

While I was gone, I found out that the 2 families who were with us in Ukraine were planning a little reunion the following weekend in Alabama. I told Jon I REEEEAAAALLLYYY wanted to go. It was only a 5 hour drive. And to my delight he said, "Yes! Let's do it!" Oh...I can't even describe my excitement. It ended up that 4 families who have adopted from Vera's baby home and 1 in the process were able to meet up. Our together time was spent at the hotel pool. And it was REALLY hot in there! But...we survived. The adults visited while the children swam.

I wish I could put into words what it's like to spend time with people who get it. I know a lot of people who have lost friends, even best friends, after adopting because 'normal' parents just can't understand what our lives are like. This road can sometimes be very lonely and isolating and we're often misunderstood. It's a relief to spend time, however brief, with people who are on the same journey. A year ago, I never would've dreamed that I would have the kind of conversations that are a regular part of my life now.

How I LOVE these women!

Above

Me, Renee (holding her sweet Emma...home just 4 weeks), Michelle, Missy and Kim.

Kim and Missy were in Ukraine with us. We saw Missy and her family in Indiana in November, but hadn't seen Kim's family since Ukraine. It was a bit surreal to be home, with all of our kids, together, in Alabama. Who would've thunk?!

That weekend, I found out that Renee was going to be meeting Catherine near Atlanta and I had to invite myself along. Catherine came home with 2 sweeties while we were still in Ukraine. One of her little ones went straight to the hospital...she was so malnourished. But you would never know it now...she's quite a little chunky monkey! It was SO FUN having dinner with these families at The Mellow Mushroom.

Above

Me, Renee (holding Emma), Catherine (holding Francesca and Victoria), Isabella and Anastasia.

Renee is becoming a very good friend, confidant and mentor. Most of you know her name from her comments here and on Facebook. She is the one I quoted in my previous post. Renee is a wealth of knowledge, experience and expertise and she is SO WILLING to share with and teach those of us who are stumbling along on this adoption journey. Jon and I are so thankful for her. She has predicted lots of Vera's...issues...and given us valuable advice. Many of us who know Renee wish we could clone her and have her come live with us and tell us what we're doing right/wrong and why our child is doing this or that.

Above - the Mellow Mushroom group

Thankfully it was a Monday night and was not too busy.

The kids got a little...restless...as the evening continued.

Above - Vera and Renee's Emma

I have a long list of adoptive mommas that I hope to meet someday.

I'm so thankful that the list is a little shorter now.

ONE WHOLE WEEK!!! And a New Thing

I'm celebrating tonight. It has been ONE WHOLE WEEK since Vera screamed. ONE WHOLE WEEK since she had a tantrum. It's been ONE WHOLE WEEK since she has told me 'no' or 'I don't want to.' ONE WHOLE WEEK with no disobedience or defiance. No evil eye. No smirky smile. Nothing. Nothing but smiles, 'I love you's', sweetness, peace, laughter, fun...I'm telling you, she is a new child.

She even had a sucker yesterday and knew there was sugar in it!

Thursday or Friday morning Vera asked me to help her with something in her room. I told her I would in 5 minutes; first I needed to finish what I was doing. She started to fuss. She turned around to head back to her room, still fussing. I prepared for the screaming to start. Instead, she stopped fussing, turned around to look back at me, smiled, said, 'Okay Mommy. I obey you,' and went to her room where she patiently waited for me. I could hardly believe it. I was SO PROUD of her! She did it! She fought the urge to begin screaming. YAY, Vera! I can't even tell you how thankful I am for this turnaround. SO THANKFUL!

All that said, she now has a new thing going. Not a bad thing. Just a new thing. After her second whole day of no screaming, she got out of bed after about 30 minutes of lying there and told me her head hurt. She hadn't complained about a headache all day so I didn't know if she was telling me the truth. I gave her a toddler dose of Tylenol to tide her over just in case. The next day she complained of a few different ailments. Her arms hurt. She could feel her blood 'bumping' in her body. Her leg hurt. Odd little complaints though she was still happy and played and did all her normal activities. Jon and I were a bit concerned and decided that if she had similar complaints the next day, we would have her checked out. I think the only specialist she has not seen in the past 8 months is a cardiologist. Maybe it was time.

But the next day she was fine. Until bedtime. Since the screaming and tantrums have ceased, Vera is getting out of bed every night with a different complaint. She's hot. She's cold. She needs socks on. She needs to blow her nose (even though there's nothing to blow out). Her hands are stinky and need to be washed. The cars are too noisy. One night she told me that her blood hurts. I posted that one on the Vera's Journey Home Group on Facebook.

I have a friend who has lots and lots of training and experience with kids like Vera. She sent me a message and explained what she thought was going on with Vera. It makes total sense. I thought I'd share this here, first to help you all understand Vera and second, because some of you might have a child like Vera and this may be helpful to you. It sure was helpful to Jon and I. He and I laugh every time this friend tells us what to expect next because there hasn't been a time yet when she was wrong. Usually she tells us after it's already begun and we go, "Oohhhh. So THAT'S why Vera is doing this."

Here's what she told us about Vera's new bedtime thing:

When a child is constantly attention seeking, it often is because they are not comfortable with "life"- with sensory input for some kids, with not being able to "read" people with others (very common for orphanage kids where everyone was fake to keep the peace and so kids didn't get to see real emotions and consequences naturally), etc. Some kids literally don't know how to cope when it is quiet, or not the center of attention- it's part of the way their systems reacted during early attachment years, and supposedly has to do with residual cortisol levels and dopamine production/neurotransmitter function.

Anyway- the fact that Vera is adjusting and is having to learn to deal with her own "calming" rather than relying on a psychological or physiological "release" from instigating conflict/confrontation is really good. What she may be describing is her trying to explain that she feels different. In the past, when she felt tense, (which could happen because she sensed tension, exhaustion, frustration, excitement, any intense emotion or void of emotion), she likely either stimmed to relieve her feelings, or stirred chaos in the household- oddly, a fight (verbal or physical rage), sex, or drugs all produce similar endorphin rushes and dopamine dumps in the brain/body. Now, she's having to adjust to "feeling". The fact that she's describing that she can actually feel it tells you she is a) sensitive to her body- another indicator of early stress- poor Vera and b) she's making progress.

She's having trouble regulating the way she feels. She's used to having a dopamine release every day- sometimes multiple times a day (every time she pushes you and gets herself angry/excited, she gets it), and now, she's not getting it and feels the void. I know it can seem like attention getting- and truthfully, some of it may be- but the phrases you described are also very typical for a child that is trying to describe what it feels like when their body is "buzzing" as I've heard other kids describe it.

Isn't that fascinating? It makes complete sense, doesn't it? My poor Vera.

My friend also gave us some suggestions...have Vera run around more during the day, jump on the trampoline, dance, do an obstacle course, etc. She also gave us some ideas for muscle relaxation exercises to do before bed. I'm so thankful for friends who have been there/done that and are so willing to share their wisdom.

My friend also told me she's impressed...Vera is making such good progress...

And that we should consider being therapeutic foster parents.

To which I laugh and say HA! There is not enough money in the world...

Light Bulb

If you've seen Despicable Me, say it with me...

Liiiight. Bulb.

If you haven't seen Despicable Me or you need a refresher, it goes like this

We had a big light bulb weekend with Vera. And all I can say is PRAISE THE LORD!

My last two posts about sugar, tantrums, bedtime and misbehavior got some good discussion going. We gleaned lots of wisdom,, asked many questions, read a bunch, gleaned more wisdom and began putting many things together.

Oy.

The control issues this girl has.

Several people have told me over the past few months that Vera likely has a strong need for control, which is very, very common for former orphans. Honestly, I didn't get it. I mean, I get it. But I don't. We read a whole lot the past few years about control issues that orphans have, but I still didn't get it. I didn't SEE it. I've been told by many that Vera is trying to control the situation in many, if not most or even all cases of her screaming and other misbehaviors. But that couldn't be true. I mean, Jon and I are in charge. She knows that. We know that. The big kids know that. Mommy and Daddy are in charge.

Well, we may be in charge, but Vera has very much been in control...for many months. Until now.

Liiiight. Bulb.

I shared on Facebook earlier this week that we began a new tactic with Vera and it seems to be working. I have been asked over and over, "So, what's your new tactic? What are you doing differently with Vera?" In a nutshell, we're ignoring the behaviors that we would normally correct. We're not spanking, putting her in timeout, removing toys and privileges, etc. We're just ignoring. Well, not exactly ignoring, but not giving attention to it. If she starts to fuss/cry/scream, we send her to her room. If she disobeys, defies, says 'no' or 'I don't want to' when we ask her to do something, we send her to her room. If she argues or refuses to do what we ask, we send her to her room. We tell her that when she's calm, ready to apologize and ready to behave she can come out. That's it in a nutshell.

Liiiight. Bulb.

Our first morning with this new tactic was rough. I won't lie. It was rough. Jon got most of the brunt of that one since I was busy creating Caleb's campfire cake for his birthday party later that afternoon. And let me just share a photo of it, because it turned out pretty darn awesome if I do say so myself.

Boy, did Vera test out this new tactic. Would it be the same every time? Yep. Would we give her attention for anything? Nope. WE knew that, but she had to try it out. And she was not happy that we did not give her the attention she was seeking. Jon repeatedly sent her to her room and the key was he did not engage her pleas. When she said, "I all done cwying, " she still had to go to her room (because it's never true when she says that). When she would try to engage him (as she always does), he would just repeat that when she was calm, ready to apologize and behave, she could come out. The key, we have discovered, is in not engaging. Not giving attention to the negative behaviors. And it is SO HARD not to engage. You have no idea. She cries. She begs. She whines. She negotiates. We used to answer her pleas. Which was what she wanted. She would drag it out just to have our attention. When it was Jon's turn to brush teeth, Vera could drag it out for 30 minutes, sometimes more. I tried to tell Jon a few times that she was playing him like a fiddle, but like I said, we just didn't SEE it for what it was. Control. Attention and control.

Liiiight. Bulb.

No more. We finally see the light. We finally see how she controlled each situation. No. More.

No more engaging with her through tears, trying to convince her to stop screaming, explaining the consequences, threatening and administering spankings or loss or privileges. While in her room Saturday morning, she really pulled out all the stops...throwing toys, banging things on her door, screaming, laying down and kicking and banging her head on the floor, smacking her head with her hands...things we haven't seen in a very long time and we would normally go in and put a stop to. We did not engage. We just waited for her to calm down and come apologize. We think we finally put together that 99.9% of her bad behaviors are for control and attention, so we're not playing into it. The rest is hopefully normal 6 year old girl stuff.

The kicker, when the light bulb really shined, was when she would giggle. She'd be just screaming away, pause, giggle, and then continue screaming. She was not out of control as any normal parent would think. She knew exactly what she was doing.

Liiiight. Bulb.

The last time, well, second to the last time, she got sent to her room on Saturday, she knew I was waiting to give her a bath. She was perfectly calm in her room playing and giggling, thinking she was in control and keeping me from doing what I wanted to do. Instead, I got in the shower myself. When she came and apologized to Jon, she heard my water running and realized I was not waiting for her. I chuckled when I heard her screaming, "MOMMY! ME BAF! MOMMY! ME WANT BAF! MOMMY! ME BAF NOW!" And back to her room she went. After that incident, she was the most pleasant little thing. We think we finally saw the real Vera Saturday afternoon/evening and all day Sunday. She was different. Her demeanor and how she treated me, especially, was different. Much more affectionate...genuine affection. She was calm and relaxed. And so agreeable. Very different.

Liiiight. Bulb.

Of course, with Jon back at work on Monday (after being home for 4 days), she tested to see if it was still the same with just me here. But I knew it was coming and was mentally prepared. She screamed and tantrumed in her room a good part of the morning. She even bit herself a few times, which I'm sure was not enjoyable for her. At one point, when I still did not put a stop to it, she got quiet, sat down on her floor in the "W" position (which we ALWAYS correct her for), stuck her fingers in her mouth (she is only allowed to suck her fingers at bedtime) and stared at the video monitor. Like, whatcha gonna do about it, Mommy? She was baiting me. Waiting for me to come tell her to fix her legs and stop sucking her fingers. The self control I exercised amazed me. Everything in me wanted to go correct her. But I held strong. And after a few minutes, Vera got up and started playing.

Liiiight. Bulb.

It's all control. The sugar thing. The bedtime thing. I think even the tantrum and screaming thing. We gave attention to and discussed the sugar thing. We did the same with the bedtime thing. And how many times over the past 8 months have the tantrums and screaming come up? Countless. She KNEW it drove me crazy. Vera learned at the orphanage that screaming got her what she wanted...candy and who knows what else. She was rewarded for misbehavior. Here, the screaming got her attention. She was rewarded for it, even though WE did not see it that way. By bringing attention to these behaviors, we gave Vera power. We told her she always had a tantrum after having sugar. Power. We told her she got crazy if she went to bed late. Power. She knew the screaming drove us all bonkers. Power. We gave her a license to misbehave by pointing these things out to her.

Liiiight. Bulb.

I sure hope this all makes sense to you. I know some of you have already lived this with your own little darlings in different ways and are probably nodding your head and wondering what took us so long to figure this out. I also know that unless you've lived it, it's hard to understand. It's hard to see it for what it really is. There have been many days that I have really felt like I'm losing my mind trying to get through to Vera. Everything I learned to do while parenting the older kids did not make a difference with Vera. If it weren't for my awesome older kids, I would really have doubted my parenting abilities. Those of you who know my older kids know how wonderful they are...I'm not making it up. They are just all around great kids, always a pleasure to be with, and I am so very proud of them. Jon and I know we can't take credit for all of it, but we did have something to do with it. In a way, they have been my proof that at one time I knew how to guide and discipline little ones. Vera...she's in a class all by herself. She literally got me to my breaking point. But that's for another post. To be shared later. Maybe.

I will be honest...ignoring Vera goes against every single one of our parental instincts. We never just ignored the other kids for misbehavior. We addressed it...dealt with it...disciplined. I guess that's what they mean when they say you can't parent your adopted child(ren) the same way you parent your biological child(ren). We strongly believe that even spanking Vera gave her an odd sort of pleasure. Like, it was satisfying to her that she got us to that point. Frequently (mostly with Jon) she would giggle after a spanking. We only spanked her for direct defiance/disobedience, but I think Vera thought she was controlling us by doing things that would warrant a spanking. I guess in a way she was right. She did control our actions. She would do things she knew she'd get a spanking for which, in turn, would give her the desired outcome, which in turn, gave her satisfaction that she was in control. Timeouts became a joke because after we wrestled and argued with her for 10 or 20 minutes and got her to sit still, she would just sit there and smile her ornery smile.

Liiiight. Bulb.

Normally, Vera is awful when Jon is home. I somewhat dreaded weekends or days that Jon works from home because I knew Vera was going to be a pill. A bigger pill than normal, that is. This too was all control. Jon had a habit of going to Vera's room after being sent there for screaming and trying to 'talk her down' as I call it. I think she counted on this. I think she wanted it. She knew that when Jon is home, she could get his attention by misbehaving. It usually takes me about 40 minutes to stretch Vera each day. When Jon does it, it takes two hours or more. Two hours. Because of all the whining, arguing and orniness that Vera would dish out. Whenever Jon tries to talk to me or one of the big kids, Vera interrupts. Every. Time. She wants his attention. And it's not that he doesn't give her any. Truly. He spends a great deal of time with Vera playing and doing fun things. She just enjoys the control of interrupting and taking his attention away from anyone else. But we're on to her. It was a good thing that Jon was the one to begin our new tactic. She especially needed it to come from him.

Liiiight. Bulb.

So now I've been wondering what to do when Vera starts a screaming fit in the van. It's not like we can send her to her room if she misbehaves while we're out and about. Someone suggested ear plugs. We loved this idea and bought earplugs for us and the big kids to keep in the van. If she starts, we will all just put in our earplugs. Of course, we'll still be able to hear her, but she won't know that. Hopefully the visual of us putting them in will be enough that Vera will see we won't give her attention for screaming. Though I'm sure at first she'll scream even louder just to make her point. Another friend gave a different suggestion and I truly can't wait to try it out. The big kids will benefit from it also, so I think they're looking forward to the next time Vera screams in the van. If it works, I'll let you know.

Another whole aspect to this control issue is who sees Vera's tantrums and orneriness. My mom has come for a visit. So has my dad. So has Jon's sister. None of them saw what I am telling you about. Before co-op started, I had no idea what to expect from Vera and I sent a long email to her teachers just to prepare them for what may come. They don't believe me. At co-op and Sunday School, Vera is just as cute and sweet as can be. And she ALWAYS sits on the floor correctly. At home we probably tell her to fix her legs (from the "W" sit) 8 or 10 times a day. When my dad came, Vera started to fuss one day and normally it would have led to a tantrum. I think she remembered that he was here and changed her tune pretty quickly. She is in total control of her behavior and who sees it. That's just another whole reason that sometimes I feel like I'm losing my mind. I tell people how she really is and they don't believe me.

I made this one day just to make myself feel better.

It was incredibly therapeutic.

I wish I could tell you how much I am enjoying the real Vera. She is so pleasant. And sweet. And calm and relaxed. The difference is so amazing, I can't even tell you. I haven't heard 'nope' or 'I don't want to' since Saturday. It used to be multiple times a day. I might actually agree with the next person who says, "Oh, she is SO cute!" We'll see. Of course, she could very well be behaving so nicely as another attempt at control. I am fully aware of this possibility. But for now, I'm just going to enjoy the new Vera as long as I can. There's no telling how long she'll be here.

So, thank you to all who commented and helped us figure this out. The past few days have been wonderful. I feel like peace has finally been restored to the Evans family. I am so thankful and am really praying this lasts. Feel free to join me.

Bedtime

Several of you left some very helpful comments, both here and on Facebook, on my last post about Vera and sugar and tantrums.

I'm curious about your thoughts on this one.

Vera turns into a pumpkin between 8:15 and 8:30 each night. Well, maybe pumpkin isn't the right word.

Jack-O-Lantern is a bit more appropriate.

We usually start the bedtime routine around 7:45 with tooth-brushing, pottying, getting pj's on, giving big hugs, drinking of water, saying prayers and finally to bed. We have found that if we wait, even just 15 minutes, she turns into what I call 'Crazy Vera.' I don't really know how to explain it except she just gets ornery, defiant, disobedient, seemingly uncontrollable and she giggles her ornery giggle the whole time. She can be perfectly fine all day long (yes, it does happen), but if we wait just a few minutes to start the bedtime routine, she loses it. And she can't even tell time. This happens with Jon more often than not, though it is improving. It seems like that's part of it, because she's rarely ornery with me at bedtime anymore.

Now, it's not often that Vera gets to bed late, but Jon and I have noticed this little phenomenon and have discussed it in front of Vera and a few times with Vera. Sometimes she asks me why she can't stay up late like the big kids do. At times I've told her that she's only 6. When she's older, like Jacob, Caleb and Abbi, she'll get to stay up later too. A few times I've told her that we've noticed that when she stays up 'late' (as in past 8:30), she doesn't seem to be able to behave and I gave her some examples.

Last Saturday one of Jon's co-workers and friends invited us over for a FABULOUS, homemade, traditional Japanese meal. It was a special Japanese holiday and they invited us to celebrate with them...we later learned we were the first American family they had ever had over for dinner. What an honor! Anyway, when they were working out the details, Jon asked his friend if it could be an early dinner so that we could get Vera to bed on time. We ended up leaving a bit later than we had expected to (but it was totally worth it!). By the time Vera got to bed that night, it was 8:45. Of course, it was dark when we left and Jon had told her on the way home that it was past her bedtime and we had to hurry and get ready for bed. Let's just say getting ready for bed that night was not pleasant. Thankfully for me, it was Jon's turn.

Vera seems to have zeroed in on this little tidbit just like she zeroed in on the sugar tantrums when we started talking about them. Every night now when I tell her it's time to brush teeth, she asks me, with her little smirky smile, if it's late. When I say, "No, it's not late. It's just time to brush teeth," she frowns.

She wants an excuse to misbehave.

You have no idea how frustrating this is. Well, some of you do.

We have no intentions of doing a bedtime experiment like we did with the sugar, although if we were going to, Saturday might be a good opportunity since we're setting clocks ahead. If we start the bedtime routine with Vera at the normal time, but tell her it's an hour late, any predictions on what will happen?

So, here are my questions for you...why does she look for opportunities to tantrum and misbehave? What's in it for her? Control? Attention? Is it just a phase? And...what do we do about it? I know, I know...put her to bed on time and don't tell her if we give her something sugary. Seriously though...

Also, and sort of related (I think...maybe)...we had thunderstorms last Friday night. They started right after I put Vera to bed. Lots of thunder and lightning. And a bit of stimming from Vera. She rarely stims at bedtime anymore and I didn't put the two together. Duh. The next morning as I was brushing Vera's hair I asked her why she had stimmed the night before. She told me she was scared. I asked her what scared her and she said the loud noise and lights scared her. I felt so bad. I had gone into her room when she was stimming and she didn't tell me she was scared. Poor little thing. So I told her that the next time she is scared at night she should call Daddy or I and we'll come to her because we DO NOT want her to be scared and alone. Ever.

So over lunch that day Vera told Jon about the conversation she and I had that morning. Jon still has a hard time understanding her sometimes so I translated for him. I emphasized that I told Vera she can CALL us when she's scared but Jon didn't pick up on it. He confirmed what I told Vera and added, "Or, you can just come get us." As I reeled in shock that Jon had just given Vera permission to get out of bed at night, he realized what he had said and tried to take it back. "Actually, Vera, you can just call us. We can always hear you from your room. You don't need to come get us. Just call us." I knew what we were in for and told Jon she would definitely be getting out of bed that night...I just wondered how long it would take. Jon was hopeful and really didn't think she would. Jon was in charge of watching Vera on the monitor that night (we need to know if she stims), and about 20 minutes after Vera was tucked safely in her bed I was in the laundry room totally oblivious to what had transpired. Sure enough, Vera had gotten out of bed. She has NEVER, in the 8 months since we've been home, gotten out of bed once the lights were out. Jon met her in the hallway and asked what she was doing.

"Me scawed, Daddy."

"What are you scared of, Vera?"

She smiles.

"Caws."

"You're scared of the cars?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"Me no know."

"I know you're not scared, Vera. Do you know how I know? Because you're smiling. People don't smile when they're scared."

And back to bed she went.

Yep. He nipped that one right in the bud. She hasn't tried it again. Thank goodness!

So...anyone have some insights to share? We're all ears.