Anxiety

Last time I told you about our lovely reunion in Alabama. I was able to have a long talk with Renee that weekend. Okay, I'll be honest...I hogged her...and I really got to pick her brain about some things. She had made some observations about us and shared them with me. She was right on about everything. She even noticed things I've never mentioned to anyone except Jon. She's very insightful.

As we talked about Vera and I asked and asked and she graciously answered and answered, she finally said, "That sounds like anxiety to me."

Anxiety. OF COURSE! Why hadn't I thought of that?!

I didn't sleep a wink that night. I kept thinking about everything Renee had told me trying to make myself remember so I could tell Jon the next day. I kept thinking of more questions I needed to ask. Does anxiety relate to this? Would anxiety cause that? I was messaging Renee on our drive home asking some of my questions. I also did some reading about anxiety and some of Vera's...quirks. A few things Renee said fit Vera to a "T". "Constant anxiety means even minor things can cause true distress. A kid with anxiety has very little tolerance for anything out of the ordinary - it's total panic mode."

Anxiety explains SO MUCH about Vera...

Why she needs routine so desperately.

Why she asks the same question over and over and over until we are all ready to pull our hair out. Or hers. I used to think this was a control thing. But from what I read, an anxious person finds comfort in predictable answers so they will repeat questions. And repeat and repeat and repeat.

Her intense startle reflex (which could also be CP related).

Her obsessions. Oy.

Why she loses her cool so quickly and panics when she misplaces something. I have never seen anything like it.

Why her little hoards of cut up/torn up paper are so important to her.

Why she falls apart so quickly and panics when we don't understand what she's trying to tell us.

Why new places and experiences cause her to panic. Though we didn't recognize it as panic/anxiety. Now we do. And it totally fits.

Why it took 8 months for her to learn how to count to 5 and still thinks an "A" is an "O".

Anxiety even explains some (though not all) of her tantrums.

Vera has always been...high strung. It has never taken much to set her off. We used to talk about her very short, almost non-existent fuse and her quick temper. Now we know...it's anxiety. Most of it is anyway. Are any of you wondering what caused Vera's anxiety? Well, it could be spending her first 6 years in an orphanage. It could be being told that if she couldn't walk, no one would want to adopt her. It could be the fact that 3 different couples went to adopt Vera, met her, were introduced to her as Mama and Papa, and then left her there. That would play with her mind a little, don't you think? It could be that we changed everything about Vera's life...her home, her friends, her foods, her country, her language...everything.

Really it could be any or all of the above or something I haven't even thought of yet. However, I believe a ginormous part of her anxiety has been me in an indirect way. Ever since we got home, I have wondered about Vera and what she thinks about how she got here. You may remember when we first got home, she would look at our family pictures and ask where she was. She would look at the big kids' baby albums and ask where hers was. Did she think I gave birth to her and then left her in an orphanage for 6 years? Well, I discovered recently that that is EXACTLY what she thought. She thought I had carried her in my tummy, had her and left her in Ukraine for 6 years. Poor little thing. Can you imagine what the past 9 months must have been like for her? NO WONDER she had so much rage! I also think some of our photos caused her anxiety. We still have photos of Leanna around the house. Vera has never, not once, asked about her, though she has asked about every other person in every other photo. I wonder if she's afraid of the answer. Has she been wondering all this time when she will no longer be here just like the girl in our photos is no longer here? My poor little Vera. Anyway, I explained to Vera that she had been in someone else's tummy and that we didn't know about her until she was almost 6. She has been different ever since we had that conversation. She is SO much more relaxed now. It's like her wall is coming down. She trusts me now. She is letting me be her mommy. I finally feel like I'm her mommy. If Jon and I are both home, she now seeks me out for most things where she used to prefer Jon for everything. When we're out and about now, she'll reach for my hand instead of insisting on holding Jon's hand. Now she begins almost every day by saying, "You my mommy always, always. I your daughter always, always."

So, you may be wondering what we're doing about this new little anxiety discovery. We saw HUGE improvements in Vera when we had our lightbulb weekend. But she would still get spun up so fast about little things and it didn't take much at all for her to escalate to screaming and/or a tantrum.

Renee gave me some very helpful ideas about how to help Vera stay calm when she goes into panic mode. They're all much easier to see in person than to try to describe. We've tried a few of the techniques over the past few weeks and it's definitely helping. Another very wonderful friend of mine taught me how to do the brushing technique and joint compressions on Vera. We're doing that every morning and evening. That also seems to be helping. I can now recognize Vera's anxious face and her controlling face and I respond accordingly. That in itself has been a huge thing. Responding accordingly. My reaction to her action has been a very important piece of the puzzle.

The changes in Vera lately have really been dramatic. And part of it has been me. Realizing her state of anxiousness filled me with such compassion for her. Realizing the difference between her control issues and her anxiety issues helped me handle her much more lovingly and with much more grace and patience. Praise God!

I mentioned that Vera has improved...here are a few examples. The other day we had to go somewhere. I carried her LeapPad downstairs for her and put it in the van next to my seat. As Vera was getting in to her seat, she asked me where her LeapPad was. I told her it was next to my purse, but it was under a book so she couldn't see it. Normally, she either would have demanded to see it OR thrown a fit because she couldn't see it next to my purse. She simply said, "Okay, Mommy," and got in her seat. I couldn't believe it.

Improvement #2 - we were on our way home the other day and Vera was playing with a tub of zoo animals that Caleb had given her for her birthday. The tub rolled away as I made a turn and Vera couldn't reach it. Normally, she would've fussed and cried until we got home and she could get the tub. This time, she told me it was okay and that she'd wait until we got home and then she'd get her tub. Astonishing! Seriously.

Improvement #3 - Vera can now count to 11 and recognizes those written numbers. And she can write her name almost perfectly. When she wants to.

Improvement #4 - The other morning at church, Vera had left her Bible in the van. We were on our way to potty before the service started and she mentioned her Bible. I told her we would go potty and get a drink and then if there was time, I would go out and get her Bible. A few weeks ago she would've cried and demanded, "You need get my Bible NOW!" Instead she said, "It's okay. If no have time, me use Bible in the seat." Wow. I was stunned.

She's getting there, folks. I think true healing is finally beginning. And we are thankful!