In the meantime...
We just concluded a very long, bad week with Vera. Very long. Very bad. Bad. Bad. Bad.
Vera started physical therapy last Friday, and it was awesome! I am so excited that we have finally gotten to this point. PT is going to be GREAT for Vera! But, it is also going to wear her out. She was a noodle by the time the PT finished with her last week. A tired, 40 pound noodle. A couple of friends of ours had already told us not to plan anything else on the days Vera has PT because she will be tired. They were so right. We got home and Vera had a tantrum almost instantly. She was just plain mad that I made her walk up the stairs. And she let me know she was mad. And I still made her walk up the stairs.
Abbi went to a sleep over last Friday. She's been to several the past few weeks. Vera had been screaming since arriving home from PT, so during one quiet moment I hugged Abbi and told her, 'Just in case Vera is screaming when your ride comes. Have a great time. I love you.' Vera quit screaming a few minutes before Abbi left. My friend who picked Abbi up noticed Vera's tear streaked face and asked if she was upset. Upset was putting it mildly.
Jon's parents came for a visit last weekend. His dad has been here several times since we've been home with Vera, but we hadn't seen Jon's mom since we first got home. We had been telling Vera for a few days that Grandma and Grandpa were coming soon for a visit. We were all very excited.
Jon and I battled with Vera all weekend. I don't even remember the last time we had such a bad string of days like that. Everything was a fight. With few exceptions, Vera was defiant and disobedient every waking moment. It was exhausting, both physically and mentally. I think Vera spent more time IN time out than out of it last weekend. The rages even returned. Fun. Jon's parents got to see the absolute worst side of Vera. It was so bad that Jon brought these home for me on Monday. 
Yep. It was that bad. I was so discouraged that we had returned here.
Yep. It was that bad. I was so discouraged that we had returned here.A wonderful friend has been bringing us dinner every Thursday the past few weeks. Yesterday she asked me how everything was going. I told her about our horrible, no good, very bad weekend and she helped me brainstorm a few possible triggers. I had been thinking all week that it had to something with Jon's mom being here. Like I said, Jon's dad has been here several times and spent the night and Vera was fine. Why was she such a stinker when Rita was here? The conclusion I came to was that maybe having two women here stressed Vera out. I'm sure to Vera it was similar to the orphanage having multiple women around. We've had many women come and go since we've been home, mostly to bring meals, but none of them have stayed long or spent the night. And even though Jon's mom didn't do any caring for Vera, maybe just the presence of another woman was too much for Vera.
My friend had another suggestion...maybe Vera was scared that with another woman here, I was going to leave. Or maybe she was scared that Roger and Rita were going to take her away.
Bingo!
Fear.
This week I got out Beyond Consequences, Logic and Control and did some reading. It reminded me that everything Vera did last weekend was likely a response to fear. But what in the world would she have to fear? Doesn't she know by now that she's safe here? I mean, it's been a whole 2 1/2 months...how long is it going to take?
I know. You're probably all saying, "DUH, Amy!" Some things are so obvious to people on the outside looking in. When you're in the trenches all day, every day it's not always possible to come up for air and catch your breath. I am so thankful for friends I can spill all the ugly details to without fear of judgment. I think my friend hit the nail on the head.
From
Beyond Consequences, Logic and Control:
A Love Based Approach to Helping Children with Severe Behaviors -
"A defiant child is essentially a scared child. For children with trauma histories, it can be any request from the parent that creates a feeling of threat. A parental request at any level (yes, simply being asked to take out the trash or simply to put on his shoes) can be one that shifts the child into a fear state due to perceiving the directive as a threat. Dependent on the history, the child may be actually terrified. In that moment, the child cannot determine whether the parent's request is safe or not. He immediately goes into freeze mode, and then becomes defiant to the parent's request. In that moment, the child has to be defiant. There is no other alternative. The essence of defiance is fear. This is a traumatic stress issue. It is not an issue of the child working to control or manipulate the parent. It is not an issue of the child testing the limits or baiting the parent to see how he can make his parent become emotionally reactive. Defiance is a fundamental issue of feeling threatened and overwhelmed with fear."
Vera and I have had the same conversation multiple times a day this week. It goes like this:
"Mommy stop? Vera no take?" (Translation, Mommy will stop people who try to take Vera?)
"Yes, Mommy will stop anyone who tries to take Vera. No one will take Vera away."
"And Daddy stop? No take Vera?"
"Yes, Daddy will stop anyone who tries to take Vera."
"And Toby bite?"
"Yes, Toby will bite anyone who tries to take Vera."
"Vera stay Mommy."
"Yes, Vera stays with Mommy."
"Yes, Vera stays with Mommy."
"And Daddy."
"Yes, Vera stays with Mommy and Daddy."
"And Jacob and Caleb and Abbi."
"Yes, we all stay together. We're family."
"And Toby and Phoebe."
"Yes, the dog and cat too. We all stay together. We're a family."
Every day.
At least 3 times. Usually more.
We have had this conversation.
All week long.
So...do you think she was scared last weekend?
Do you think maybe she thought someone was going to take her away?
Bless her little heart.
Slowly but surely Vera has gotten back to herself this week. Yesterday was the BEST day Vera has had in awhile. She was in my lap most of the afternoon which is unusual for her. She's a busy girl and doesn't like to sit much. We read lots of books. We watched a short video. We had tea and granola bars. And we had this conversation.
"Vera Mommy's?"
"Yes, Vera is Mommy's."
"And Mommy Vera's?"
"Yes and Mommy is Vera's."
"Yes, Vera is Mommy's."
"And Mommy Vera's?"
"Yes and Mommy is Vera's."
"And Jacob and Caleb and Abbi?"
"Yes, Mommy is Jacob's and Caleb's and Abbi's and Vera's."
"Mommy nice. Kiss my cheek?"
And I kissed her cheek.
"Fank uh, Mommy. Vera kiss Mommy."
And she kissed me.
And then we had the first conversation again.
Twice.
Fear.
How long will Vera live with fear?
How long will she wonder if someone is going to take her away the way we took her away from the only life she's ever known?
How long will she be scared that I'm going to leave her at every doctor visit?
How long until she knows she belongs here and is here to stay?
How long?
I just have to add this in...as I'm getting ready to hit Publish Post, Vera brings me a piece of paper with a picture that she drew of an airplane. She has also written a note on it. With a big smile she tells me that it says, "I love you so much. Big hug."
How long until she knows I love HER so much?
Ive read it takes as many years as the child is old at the time of adoption, plus one year. So for Vera, she'd need 7yrs to fully really truly not worry. Now thats just something I've read, but it makes sense. Alina goes through bouts of needing reassurance where our conversation is similar to what Vera asks.
ReplyDeleteAnd for the physical therapy, she will get used to it. Alina would fall asleep coming home from PT every.single.time. Now she goes to school a few hours after PT and does just fine, she's used to it. :)
Dear Amy,
ReplyDeleteI read your post and was so glad to hear an update of you all and Miss Vera.
It sounds like you have put together a very important puzzle piece about Vera's tantrums last weekend...and that is what excellent mothers do...we help our children navigate and figure out their lives while they learn to be less afraid. It will take Vera years to absorb this relationship and understand that you are her forever family. This isn't your fault, but the fault of the trauma she went through being in an orphanage.
The conversation will likely have to be repeated hundreds of times. It will become a new working part of her heart and brain.
My husband and I are going away tomorrow for one full day and one night, picking up our kdis Sunday morning. We had to explain it to our two and a half year old about five times tonight. Sometimes we make stick figure drawings and make little books explaining transitions so she can look at them over and over and hear the "story" of where we are.
Maybe that might help with Vera? Simple books to explain transitions? If you want any help with those, feel free to email me offline, I would be happy to be of service!
You are a great mom, Amy. hang in there. Pray for the patience you need to handle Vera's transition. I will keep you in my prayers as well.
Jane in Los Angeles
A technique that I use when working with kids who have been traumatized is to "pre-teach" them before any transition. We talk through what is going to happen, and specifically talk about what is not going to happen. An example - Grandma and Grandpa are going to come visit. They will stay 3 days. This is where they will stay, these are the things we are going to do. On Saturday, they will get in their car and go home. We, ( name members of the family,) stay here. We live here. None of us will leave with Grandma and Grandpa. They are only visiting - they live in ________.
ReplyDeleteIt helps them to know what to expect and lowers the stress levels.
I also pre-teach expected behaviors. Before a new event or activity, (when everything is calm,) we explain exactly what the child can expect to happen and what behavioral expectations are. We model the behavior for the child. Then we have the child act out or practice the behavior. After the event, you discuss how it went, what went well, and what you and the child would like to do differently the next time. It's always good to involve all the kids in this activity. It helps the traumatized child feel like part of the group.
A friend of mine who adopted from Liberia at the same time we did recently posted that her oldest adoptee was very anxious one day and asked in fear if they would ever send him back to the orphanage. He was adopted 4 years ago.
ReplyDeleteI saw your family on RR, and saw that you were bringing (or ad just brought) your child home. I am so happy to see you that you have been able to bring your child home!!!
ReplyDeleteI am just starting a RR journey myself.
Jaclyn
http://adoptutah.blogspot.com/
Thanks for being so real. It sounds like you had a really tough time but have made some huge breakthroughs in understanding. Perhaps it may be saddening or aggravating to you having to repeat those conversations with Vera over and over, but I just wanted to say that my reaction when I read them was, "How beautiful!" Lovely, lovely truth about Vera and her secure position in your family.
ReplyDeleteHave you read "Parenting Your Internationally Adopted Child?" I'm in the process right now, and I really liked one suggestion... making a 3 photo story book. One photo of Vera in her birth country. A second photo of your Vera was handed over (make a collage of Vera, caregiver, and you if you don't have one) and a third with your family and Vera together. Put these three photos on one sheet and photocopy it lots of times. Put the sheet up all over the house. Laminate some. Let her color some. Have a small copy she can hold in her hand or put in her backpack. And use the photos to tell Vera her story from her perspective. "First you lived with [ ] in [ ]. Then you came to live with me. That was a very big change. (elaborate changes Vera has experienced). You will live with me until you are an old lady." You can also use these pictures to answer Vera's questions that she did not make the Big Change happen. Grownups did. Also, the question if there will be any more big changes. The response they suggest is, "I don't think there will be any more big changes, but we both know nothing is certain. I will let you know if another big change is coming, so that you won't be surprised."
For all I know, you could already be doing something very similar. I just loved this idea and thought I would share. It's simple enough that I think I might even be able to handle it although I have zero scrap-booking type skills. :)