Progress

So last time I told you that I have good things to tell you and not so good things.

We'll start with the not so good so I can end on a high note.

Oy.

Vera is handful. Which is putting it mildly. We've had to do childproofing that we weren't expecting to do for a six year old. After a tumble down the stairs, up went a gate. The first order of business on our first day home was putting doorknob things on all the doors to keep Vera out of every room. Except her room, of course. Next on the list is a lock for the fridge. She likes to open it and just stand there staring. She also likes to take anything out that she can reach and tell us she wants it. Jelly. Hot sauce. Salad dressing. You name it, she thinks she wants it.

Vera's tantrums, or maybe rages is a more appropriate word, are getting better. Last Thursday Vera had the worst rage I've seen from her. And of course, Jon wasn't here to help me. I will spare you the details. Quite frankly, there are just some things that I shouldn't share publicly. Let's just say that it was so bad and I was so angry that I was shaking. Those of you who know me hopefully know that anger is not my thing. I may get frustrated or lose my patience, but anger is just not me. Oh. I was angry. Vera was SUPER all day...until just after 4:00. Then I had to take a toy from her because she accidentally hurt Abbi with it and then refused to put it away. Vera raged for over an hour. She ended up losing her toy for good. It was really, really bad. I was so thankful that my friend bringing us dinner that day did not come during that rage. By the time Pam arrived, Vera and I had been playing and laughing in her room for about 30 minutes. You would never know what had just transpired. Except I was still shaking.

There is a Yahoo group for all the families who have already brought kids home with Reece's Rainbow. I sent out a plea for help on Friday. I told them all the gory details (well, most of them anyway) of what happened on Thursday. I told them how I handled it and asked what I should've done and what I should do in the future. I am so thankful for the support I have in this adventure. I don't know what I would do if I didn't know so many families who have been where we are and are willing to share their wisdom. Just the messages saying, "I have no advice, but know that you're not alone," brought me so much comfort. Of course, I did get conflicting advice. Some said 'follow your instincts.' Others said the opposite. Most of the books we've read about adoption do say to do the opposite of what your instincts tell you. Adopted kids need to be parented differently than biological kids. When I finally got to break away and take my shower on Friday, I had a few minutes to think. I realized that my instincts on Thursday were NOT what I would've done with Jacob, Caleb and Abbi if they had done what Vera had done. So I prayed about it and decided that I'm just going to pray for wisdom, follow my instincts and see what happens. I've always believed that God gives us instincts for a reason. I didn't have to wait long to try out my old/new philosophy. And. It worked.

So, to those of you who have kids who rage, this is what I did and what I will do again when the opportunity presents itself. Which, by my calculations, should be any minute now. I had to keep Vera from touching the cat on Friday. This has become a source of control for Vera and I'm trying to teach her that when the cat is in her bed, she can look at her but she is NOT allowed to touch her. Right after my shower, it began. The cat was sleeping in her bed under the coffee table and Vera wanted to pet her. I told her she could look, but not touch. She reached out her arm to touch Phoebe. I pulled Vera's hand back and gave her one more warning. I pointed to my eyes and told her she can look with her eyes, but she could not touch the kitty. Of course, she reached out her arm again to touch the cat. So I pulled Vera onto my lap and she fought me,, which I knew she would. My goal was to get to the rocking chair and hold Vera there and rock her until she calmed. We never made it to the rocking chair, but it ended up okay. I calmly told Vera that Mommy said she could look at but not touch the kitty and because she didn't listen, she got to sit with Mommy. Vera understood. But she didn't like it. She yelled and fought me. She was on my lap facing away from me. She would try to grab at my hair and face so I held her wrists, which always leads to her trying to bite me. I always shift so that Vera's hand or wrist ends up in her mouth instead of mine. Which usually curbs the biting attempts. I would loosen my grip on her wrists until she tried to grab at me again. She started kicking and arching her back trying to twist around, so I wrapped one of my legs around hers. Again, I only applied pressure when she fought me. I was calmly talking to Vera telling her that when she was calm I would let her go. It only took a few minutes. Vera didn't escalate to her normal rage. We took a few deep breaths. She was calm within minutes and then we sat there together watching the cat sleep. She didn't try to touch the cat again...until later. :) She hasn't had a tantrum or rage since then.

I will also say that what works for Vera may not work for other children. The books say not to intervene a rage with physical force/touch. The books say if you touch your child while they're raging, they will perceive it as a physical threat and go into self defense mode. While this may have been true of Vera when we first got her, it is not true now. When she raged in Ukraine and we tried to touch her, we could see fear on her face. We don't anymore. We think (hope) she knows us enough by now to know that we will not hurt her. Every child is different. Every parent is different. Every parent/child relationship is different. It humbles me all the more to realize that I am the mommy Vera needs. God chose me for Vera and Vera for me. Please don't misunderstand me by saying this, but it makes me smile to remember that Vera is already messed up...I really can't mess her up much more than she already is. And I do say that with love and humor. I remember when Jacob, Caleb and Abbi were little...I worried constantly about messing them up. Sometimes I still do. But with Vera, the orphanage messed her up. Being abandoned messed her up. Being a favorite at the orphanage messed her up. So even when I make mistakes in parenting Vera, at least I know that I didn't mess her up. There is a strange level of comfort in that.

One thing a friend told me was that Vera needs to know who is in control. Vera is trying to be the boss, but she needs to know that Mommy and Daddy are in control and that we can be trusted. She won't relax or feel safe until she KNOWS that we are in charge. We worked on that this weekend. God has shown Jon and I a few areas that Vera is trying to control things and we are taking the control back. Vera is learning. And she is relaxing. She is not arguing and negotiating as much. She is realizing that when we say 'no' we mean 'no.' She doesn't always like it, well she never does, but she is not screaming every time we tell her 'no' like she used to. That's a pretty big deal, actually.

So, let's move on to the good since we're moving in that direction.

Like I said, Vera seems to be relaxing. She is not asking a gazillion times a day, "Is this mine?" Now when we're in the bathroom, instead of asking if the bathtub and toilet are hers, she says, "This is Vera's and Abbi's and Jacob's and Caleb's and Papa's and Momma's." And I say, "Yes, it is the family's. It's for all of us." She is figuring out that everything in her room is really hers. She is realizing that we're not out to take her stuff. She doesn't freak out when we touch her things anymore. She's still trying to wrap her brain around all her things in her room. She'll still take things out of her closet or dresser and ask if it's hers. She'll still play with toys in her room and ask if they're hers. It must be unbelievable to go from having nothing to call your own to having so much.

Vera's afternoon orneriness has improved just since I told you about it a few days ago. Could be because she is beginning to relax. Could be because we're more intentional about keeping her occupied and out of trouble. I can now recognize Vera's genuine smile versus the I'm-about-to-do-something-really-awful smile. It's funny how Abbi and Vera have that same ornery smile. Maybe that's how I can recognize it on Vera already. I used to wonder why God gave me such a little stinker in Abbi. Maybe it was to prepare me for Vera. Sometimes Vera reminds me so much of Abbi when she was little, it's scary. But the smile Vera gave me right before she stuck her head in the toilet the other day is the same one Abbi used to give me before doing something equally as horrific. Thankfully, God answered my prayers for Abbi and she has turned into an amazing young lady. Most people don't believe what an awful little thing she used to be. She used to have me in frustrated tears frequently. Now my tears for her are out of joy, thankfulness and awe.

Anyway, Vera is starting to say more things in English. Not as much as we'd like, but we're slowly getting there. Her favorite thing to say is, "Silly dog!" We all laugh every time she says it. She's just so darn cute! She is also learning to stay in her seat, or at least stand at her place when we eat. One of our control things was that she would get up and walk around during meals and then come back and eat. The other night she got out of her chair and I blocked her from leaving the table. I told her to stay at her plate until she was finished eating. She smiled and tried to keep going. I pulled her into my lap and and told her she could either sit on my lap or in her seat, but she could not leave the table until she was done eating. She didn't like it, but she mostly compliantly sat in her seat and finished her dinner. She hasn't tried it again. Progress.

Vera loves to take baths. It's our favorite time of day. She's happy and contained and the only mess she can make cleans up quickly and easily. I can't wait to see her in the pool. I hope she's not terrified. We all think she's going to love swimming, but you just never know.

I love Vera. Oh, how I love her. One thing that several people told me is that it's okay if I don't love Vera right away. It's okay if it takes time for the love to come. Well, I've always loved Vera. Loving her is not my issue. LIKING her is sometimes hard though. But I can honestly say that I liked Vera all weekend long and all day yesterday too. It's also never crossed my mind, "What have we done?" or "I can't do this." I really don't think of Vera differently than I do the older kids. She's Vera. She's my daughter. I don't think of her as my adopted daughter versus my biological kids. Vera is mine. She's my daughter just like Abbi. I realized that as I watched them play in the water the other day. And I thanked God. There is no distinction in my mind or heart between Vera and the older 3 kids. She's just my daughter.

I do need to let all my friends and family know...do not ask me any questions about any thing. And if you must ask me questions, do not trust my answers. Here's why...the other day a friend brought us dinner. She brought a box of ice cream sandwiches for dessert which I put in the freezer. We sat down to dinner and Jon asked me what was for dessert. I told him she hadn't brought dessert and that we'd be fine without it for one night. One of the kids said, "Didn't she bring ice cream sandwiches?" Oh yeah! I had completely forgotten after just 20 minutes. Then, cleaning up the kitchen one night, the dishwasher was almost full so I put detergent in and waited for the rest of the dinner dishes. Jacob finished up for me and asked if I had put soap in yet. "No, I didn't. Can you put soap in for me and start it?" I looked at Jacob as he was looking at the dishwasher and back at me like, "What? Is Mom joking with me?" Again, I had completely forgotten that I had JUST put detergent in the dishwasher. I started dusting one day last week. I got interrupted and then forgot I had been dusting. I found my dustrag today and remembered I had started but never finished.

I'm losing my mind.

Remember those old commercials with the frying pan and the egg? "This is your brain. This is your brain on drugs."

Yeah. Well. This is my brain on Vera.

Oy!