Finding Joy in the Boring

Some of you are wondering why I'm not blogging as much anymore...

Do you remember the post I wrote before we came home and I told you that we would keep our first few weeks at home really boring to help Vera feel safe?

Well, we're up to our eyeballs in boring! I'm trying not to let it drive me crazy because I know that in just a few weeks we will be up to our eyeballs in doctor visits, school, band, co-op, high school (Jacob), middle school (the twins), preschool (Vera)...LIFE! Because our lives have been so boring, there just hasn't been much going on to share.

But boring has been very good for Vera. I do think she feels safe here and with us. We try to add a few fun activities out of the house here and there, but I think I speak for all of us when I say...we're looking forward to normal living again! We broke up the monotony a little bit and took the kids to the pool on Saturday. Vera would not let Jon or me let go of her the whole time, but she did have fun! Can you tell?

We all had fun! We also got a glimpse into how much work Vera has ahead of her. Her core is very weak. Her little legs would either float up in front of her or behind her. Jon and I worked with her and showed her how to get and stay upright. We showed her how to kick, which really made her work. We didn't stay more than an hour, but by the time we left, Vera was exhausted and could hardly walk. The kids and I went to the pool again this afternoon and Vera did much better. She still wouldn't let me let go of her, but she was upright almost the whole time. We were there 2 hours and she's not as tired today as she was after an hour on Saturday. I cannot wait to get her in physical therapy!

Anyway...back to Vera feeling safe...some adopted kids try to get in other people's carts at the grocery store and go home with complete strangers. They just don't understand the concept of mommy, daddy, family. Vera doesn't do this. Some adopted kids think that women who bring meals over are Mama and they can go home and live with them. Vera hasn't done this. She hasn't called anyone Mama except for me...well except for one time in Ukraine when she called Corrie Mama. But she didn't know anything else to call her. If Vera does happen to call any of you Mama, please just tell her, "I'm not Mama. My name is ________." Hopefully if this happens, I'll be right there and you can point to me and say, "That is Mama."

Vera's rages are slowly diminishing. For this I can't even tell you how thankful I am. Just two weeks ago, when Jon or I told her 'no' she would cry. Sometimes a rage would follow, sometimes she would just scream and shake her head. NOW, if we tell her 'no' she (usually) just whines and says, "please" over and over in a really pitiful (annoying) voice. She'll whine and beg about whatever we said 'no' to. I have started making her look me in the eye and saying firmly, "Mommy said no." Seems to be working. With me anyway. I'm with Vera much more than Jon since he's back to work and I think she has finally learned that with me, her whining and begging get her nowhere. She definitely whines longer to Jon because she's very cute about it and he can't help but smile at her. I think his smiles give her false hope. But Jon and I agree that we'll take whining over raging ANY DAY!

Vera is also improving with following directions. She used to go into a rage if we asked her to do something that she didn't want to do. Now, when we ask her to do something she'll either do it, or she'll say 'no', giggle and then go do it. This isn't always the case, but it's becoming the norm. We do usually have to repeat our instruction several times (not because she doesn't understand, but because she's ornery!) and sometimes we have to physically move her in the right direction, but she'll almost always comply with what we've asked without a fight. Yay!

I was hoping to tell you that we've gone 5 days straight without a tantrum, but she had a few yesterday. Even in that though, there is such HUGE improvement! I can't call it raging anymore. She has graduated up to tantrum. Vera still cries and sometimes screams, but I can't remember the last time she threw something. Her crying isn't angry anymore...it's sad and almost whiny. She usually calms down within a few minutes now instead of it taking 20, 40, 60 minutes or more. She still has a ways to go, but the difference in Vera over the past 4 weeks is really quite amazing. All the credit, praise and glory goes to God! I know several of you agreed to pray for us specifically in the weeks after we got home. God is listening and answering! Please continue to pray!! Some days the patience I have for Vera and the constant attention she requires just amazes me. I know it is not from me. Patient has never been a word that describes me.

Can you believe we've had her for 4 weeks? 4 weeks ago today we busted her out of the orphanage. 4 weeks ago today we traveled in a car with Vera for 7 hours to Kiev. It will forever be known as the car ride from you-know-where. For the first 5 hours everything was mostly good. We had to make a few unplanned potty breaks and we learned a very important Russian word...kahket. We knew the peezit word. Kahket was new. Vera panicked when we had no idea what she was saying. Thank the Lord for a Russian speaking driver who started laughing and said, "She needs bathroom." Jon and I argued with him since we had just had a peezit break not 5 minutes before. The driver chuckled and said, "No. She NEEDS bathroom!" Oh...kahket! After that the real fun began. It was after 10 pm and we knew Vera had to be exhausted. We were exhausted. We wanted her to go to sleep. We told her it was time for sleep.

She. Went. Bonkers.

Remember when I shared the Jack-Jack Attack clip (from The Incredibles) and said it was all I could think about in the car? Understanding came the next day when Jon and I saw how Vera falls asleep. She was trying to sway and jerk in the car. She was trying to self-soothe so she could fall asleep. Jon and I had never seen her do this, so we had no idea what she was doing. We just thought someone had flipped a switch and this was the new, not so improved Vera. We were trying to hold her and restrain her. Had we known how she falls asleep, the trip would have gone much better. As it was, Vera screamed (I mean SCREAMED) the last almost 2 hours of the drive. I don't even want to know what was going through our driver's mind.

We arrived at our apartment at around 1:30 am and lugged Vera and our luggage up 4 flights of stairs. We all fell in to bed around 2 and slept until 6. Our embassy appointment was supposedly at 8:30 am and our driver picked us up at 7:50. We arrived at the embassy to learn that our appointment was really at 2:00 pm. But they still took care of us. We began the paperwork for Vera's visa and then headed over to the clinic for her medical exam. We were waiting in the very crowded little hallway for Vera's turn to see the doctor when who should we see venturing their way toward us?

Yep! My lovely friend, Corrie and her new daughter Vika! I was SO hoping we would get to see them in Ukraine! I got my wish right before it was time to head home! Vera and Vika had their exams one right after the other, so we got to spend a bit of time together.
Vika had to have a chest X-ray done, so we all had a snack together while we waited for our paperwork. Vera remembered Vika, but we're not sure if Vika remembered Vera. We attempted a few photos of the 4 of us together. This was the best shot we got. It will have to do. After we received our medical paperwork, we all ended up riding back to our apartments together.

I have been praying about finding joy in any moment I can. I have been stuck in a string of negative thoughts and it's time to snap out of it. There has already been improvement in that area. Last Wednesday was a particularly bad day and I sent Jon an SOS email just after lunch and told him I was counting down the MINUTES until he got home. When Jon first went back to work and for many days after that, at around 9 in the morning I would start counting down the hours until he came home. I realized a few days ago that I'm not doing that as much anymore. These days, if I do start counting the hours until Jon's return I don't start until 3 or 4. And by then it's not long until he comes home! Woo hoo!! If you read Abbi's blog today you know that I'm not the only one who finds some of Vera's antics and behaviors annoying. Vera is definitely the hardest on Abbi and I. It's time to refocus our attention on the JOY Vera brings to our family. She brings more joy to us each day that she's with us. As her rages diminish and her behavior improves, as she learns what family is and how much we love her NO MATTER WHAT, the real Vera is beginning to shine through. As I watched Vera play and laugh with her siblings at the pool today, I had tears behind my eyes as I thought about where she would be if she were not here with us. I can't let my mind go there today. Today we are celebrating 4 weeks with Vera!

Vera is a domestic goddess. She loves to help with ANYTHING! Her favorite activities include throwing the dirty clothes into the washer and then from the washer to the dryer. She loves to help empty the dryer. I must admit that I share her enthusiasm about opening the dryer after each load is finished. After going without a dryer for almost 6 weeks, there is still nothing that compares to pulling out truly clean, SOFT clothes and towels. Vera also loves to sweep and help with the vacuuming. And if she sees me washing dishes without her...look out! I think her favorite job is putting the silverware away. She tries to do it whether the silverware is clean or dirty. She thinks it's quite something to watch Abbi clean toilets and can't wait until we let her try. Her fascination with water has me a little hesitant about letting her splash toilet water all over the bathroom. And believe me, she would. To see the joy that performing each of these chores brings to Vera...oh my. We take so many things for granted. Vera also loves to brush the pets. We're still working on gentleness though. She is getting better, but still has a ways to go. By the end of almost every day Vera is not allowed to touch the pets. Each day we start over and hope for the best.

We love Vera's smile and laugh. We love to hear her learning more English. Her little voice is precious, especially with her Russian accent. She does have a speech problem due to her CP, but the way she says the kids' and pets' names is too cute. I really can't wait until I can have a conversation with Vera. There are so many things I want to ask her. All in due time, I guess. Vera LOVES her siblings...oh, how she loves them. And I would be a mess without them. What a privilege it has been for me as a mom to see how loving and patient they are with Vera. And with me. Last Friday I woke up with a killer headache and then Vera had a LONG, loud tantrum as soon as she got up. She woke Abbi up and everything. By the time Jacob got up, I was recovering on the couch with a cup of coffee. I told him about Vera's early wake up and tantrum and my headache and how tired I was. Without a word, he got up, got the twins and all 3 of them took Vera into her room to play. And I laid down on the couch and thanked the Lord for my awesome big kids. I don't deserve them.

Well, I was going to tell you more, but this is already longer than I thought it would be. I will leave you with Vera's One Less video. I shared this 4 weeks ago on the day she officially became an Evans and she left the orphanage FOREVER. I am waiting in eager expectation about what God is going to do in the next 4 weeks.

Progress

So last time I told you that I have good things to tell you and not so good things.

We'll start with the not so good so I can end on a high note.

Oy.

Vera is handful. Which is putting it mildly. We've had to do childproofing that we weren't expecting to do for a six year old. After a tumble down the stairs, up went a gate. The first order of business on our first day home was putting doorknob things on all the doors to keep Vera out of every room. Except her room, of course. Next on the list is a lock for the fridge. She likes to open it and just stand there staring. She also likes to take anything out that she can reach and tell us she wants it. Jelly. Hot sauce. Salad dressing. You name it, she thinks she wants it.

Vera's tantrums, or maybe rages is a more appropriate word, are getting better. Last Thursday Vera had the worst rage I've seen from her. And of course, Jon wasn't here to help me. I will spare you the details. Quite frankly, there are just some things that I shouldn't share publicly. Let's just say that it was so bad and I was so angry that I was shaking. Those of you who know me hopefully know that anger is not my thing. I may get frustrated or lose my patience, but anger is just not me. Oh. I was angry. Vera was SUPER all day...until just after 4:00. Then I had to take a toy from her because she accidentally hurt Abbi with it and then refused to put it away. Vera raged for over an hour. She ended up losing her toy for good. It was really, really bad. I was so thankful that my friend bringing us dinner that day did not come during that rage. By the time Pam arrived, Vera and I had been playing and laughing in her room for about 30 minutes. You would never know what had just transpired. Except I was still shaking.

There is a Yahoo group for all the families who have already brought kids home with Reece's Rainbow. I sent out a plea for help on Friday. I told them all the gory details (well, most of them anyway) of what happened on Thursday. I told them how I handled it and asked what I should've done and what I should do in the future. I am so thankful for the support I have in this adventure. I don't know what I would do if I didn't know so many families who have been where we are and are willing to share their wisdom. Just the messages saying, "I have no advice, but know that you're not alone," brought me so much comfort. Of course, I did get conflicting advice. Some said 'follow your instincts.' Others said the opposite. Most of the books we've read about adoption do say to do the opposite of what your instincts tell you. Adopted kids need to be parented differently than biological kids. When I finally got to break away and take my shower on Friday, I had a few minutes to think. I realized that my instincts on Thursday were NOT what I would've done with Jacob, Caleb and Abbi if they had done what Vera had done. So I prayed about it and decided that I'm just going to pray for wisdom, follow my instincts and see what happens. I've always believed that God gives us instincts for a reason. I didn't have to wait long to try out my old/new philosophy. And. It worked.

So, to those of you who have kids who rage, this is what I did and what I will do again when the opportunity presents itself. Which, by my calculations, should be any minute now. I had to keep Vera from touching the cat on Friday. This has become a source of control for Vera and I'm trying to teach her that when the cat is in her bed, she can look at her but she is NOT allowed to touch her. Right after my shower, it began. The cat was sleeping in her bed under the coffee table and Vera wanted to pet her. I told her she could look, but not touch. She reached out her arm to touch Phoebe. I pulled Vera's hand back and gave her one more warning. I pointed to my eyes and told her she can look with her eyes, but she could not touch the kitty. Of course, she reached out her arm again to touch the cat. So I pulled Vera onto my lap and she fought me,, which I knew she would. My goal was to get to the rocking chair and hold Vera there and rock her until she calmed. We never made it to the rocking chair, but it ended up okay. I calmly told Vera that Mommy said she could look at but not touch the kitty and because she didn't listen, she got to sit with Mommy. Vera understood. But she didn't like it. She yelled and fought me. She was on my lap facing away from me. She would try to grab at my hair and face so I held her wrists, which always leads to her trying to bite me. I always shift so that Vera's hand or wrist ends up in her mouth instead of mine. Which usually curbs the biting attempts. I would loosen my grip on her wrists until she tried to grab at me again. She started kicking and arching her back trying to twist around, so I wrapped one of my legs around hers. Again, I only applied pressure when she fought me. I was calmly talking to Vera telling her that when she was calm I would let her go. It only took a few minutes. Vera didn't escalate to her normal rage. We took a few deep breaths. She was calm within minutes and then we sat there together watching the cat sleep. She didn't try to touch the cat again...until later. :) She hasn't had a tantrum or rage since then.

I will also say that what works for Vera may not work for other children. The books say not to intervene a rage with physical force/touch. The books say if you touch your child while they're raging, they will perceive it as a physical threat and go into self defense mode. While this may have been true of Vera when we first got her, it is not true now. When she raged in Ukraine and we tried to touch her, we could see fear on her face. We don't anymore. We think (hope) she knows us enough by now to know that we will not hurt her. Every child is different. Every parent is different. Every parent/child relationship is different. It humbles me all the more to realize that I am the mommy Vera needs. God chose me for Vera and Vera for me. Please don't misunderstand me by saying this, but it makes me smile to remember that Vera is already messed up...I really can't mess her up much more than she already is. And I do say that with love and humor. I remember when Jacob, Caleb and Abbi were little...I worried constantly about messing them up. Sometimes I still do. But with Vera, the orphanage messed her up. Being abandoned messed her up. Being a favorite at the orphanage messed her up. So even when I make mistakes in parenting Vera, at least I know that I didn't mess her up. There is a strange level of comfort in that.

One thing a friend told me was that Vera needs to know who is in control. Vera is trying to be the boss, but she needs to know that Mommy and Daddy are in control and that we can be trusted. She won't relax or feel safe until she KNOWS that we are in charge. We worked on that this weekend. God has shown Jon and I a few areas that Vera is trying to control things and we are taking the control back. Vera is learning. And she is relaxing. She is not arguing and negotiating as much. She is realizing that when we say 'no' we mean 'no.' She doesn't always like it, well she never does, but she is not screaming every time we tell her 'no' like she used to. That's a pretty big deal, actually.

So, let's move on to the good since we're moving in that direction.

Like I said, Vera seems to be relaxing. She is not asking a gazillion times a day, "Is this mine?" Now when we're in the bathroom, instead of asking if the bathtub and toilet are hers, she says, "This is Vera's and Abbi's and Jacob's and Caleb's and Papa's and Momma's." And I say, "Yes, it is the family's. It's for all of us." She is figuring out that everything in her room is really hers. She is realizing that we're not out to take her stuff. She doesn't freak out when we touch her things anymore. She's still trying to wrap her brain around all her things in her room. She'll still take things out of her closet or dresser and ask if it's hers. She'll still play with toys in her room and ask if they're hers. It must be unbelievable to go from having nothing to call your own to having so much.

Vera's afternoon orneriness has improved just since I told you about it a few days ago. Could be because she is beginning to relax. Could be because we're more intentional about keeping her occupied and out of trouble. I can now recognize Vera's genuine smile versus the I'm-about-to-do-something-really-awful smile. It's funny how Abbi and Vera have that same ornery smile. Maybe that's how I can recognize it on Vera already. I used to wonder why God gave me such a little stinker in Abbi. Maybe it was to prepare me for Vera. Sometimes Vera reminds me so much of Abbi when she was little, it's scary. But the smile Vera gave me right before she stuck her head in the toilet the other day is the same one Abbi used to give me before doing something equally as horrific. Thankfully, God answered my prayers for Abbi and she has turned into an amazing young lady. Most people don't believe what an awful little thing she used to be. She used to have me in frustrated tears frequently. Now my tears for her are out of joy, thankfulness and awe.

Anyway, Vera is starting to say more things in English. Not as much as we'd like, but we're slowly getting there. Her favorite thing to say is, "Silly dog!" We all laugh every time she says it. She's just so darn cute! She is also learning to stay in her seat, or at least stand at her place when we eat. One of our control things was that she would get up and walk around during meals and then come back and eat. The other night she got out of her chair and I blocked her from leaving the table. I told her to stay at her plate until she was finished eating. She smiled and tried to keep going. I pulled her into my lap and and told her she could either sit on my lap or in her seat, but she could not leave the table until she was done eating. She didn't like it, but she mostly compliantly sat in her seat and finished her dinner. She hasn't tried it again. Progress.

Vera loves to take baths. It's our favorite time of day. She's happy and contained and the only mess she can make cleans up quickly and easily. I can't wait to see her in the pool. I hope she's not terrified. We all think she's going to love swimming, but you just never know.

I love Vera. Oh, how I love her. One thing that several people told me is that it's okay if I don't love Vera right away. It's okay if it takes time for the love to come. Well, I've always loved Vera. Loving her is not my issue. LIKING her is sometimes hard though. But I can honestly say that I liked Vera all weekend long and all day yesterday too. It's also never crossed my mind, "What have we done?" or "I can't do this." I really don't think of Vera differently than I do the older kids. She's Vera. She's my daughter. I don't think of her as my adopted daughter versus my biological kids. Vera is mine. She's my daughter just like Abbi. I realized that as I watched them play in the water the other day. And I thanked God. There is no distinction in my mind or heart between Vera and the older 3 kids. She's just my daughter.

I do need to let all my friends and family know...do not ask me any questions about any thing. And if you must ask me questions, do not trust my answers. Here's why...the other day a friend brought us dinner. She brought a box of ice cream sandwiches for dessert which I put in the freezer. We sat down to dinner and Jon asked me what was for dessert. I told him she hadn't brought dessert and that we'd be fine without it for one night. One of the kids said, "Didn't she bring ice cream sandwiches?" Oh yeah! I had completely forgotten after just 20 minutes. Then, cleaning up the kitchen one night, the dishwasher was almost full so I put detergent in and waited for the rest of the dinner dishes. Jacob finished up for me and asked if I had put soap in yet. "No, I didn't. Can you put soap in for me and start it?" I looked at Jacob as he was looking at the dishwasher and back at me like, "What? Is Mom joking with me?" Again, I had completely forgotten that I had JUST put detergent in the dishwasher. I started dusting one day last week. I got interrupted and then forgot I had been dusting. I found my dustrag today and remembered I had started but never finished.

I'm losing my mind.

Remember those old commercials with the frying pan and the egg? "This is your brain. This is your brain on drugs."

Yeah. Well. This is my brain on Vera.

Oy!

Joy

I do have things to tell you. Good things and not so good things. I do have questions and need some advice from all you people who have adopted and are further along in this than we are. But for today, I will just say that God is good and He gave us what we needed most this weekend. Joy. We (mostly I) needed some joy with Vera this weekend. And God supplied it in abundance. And I am thankful for how He loves me.

Joy.

Some very good friends of ours bought a sand table for Vera with the

intention of it being a water table since she loves water so much.

We broke it out this afternoon.

I haven't let Vera see the box for fear that she will insist we put sand in it.

I'm just not ready to mix sand and Vera.

Not yet.

Water is different.

Water is much easier to clean up.

Water I can handle right now.

While the boys worked in the yard, the girls played in water.

And we were joyful.

For three whole hours.

We laughed.

Vera adores Abbi.

But who wouldn't?

We laughed a lot.

Vera's laughter really is contagious.

If she is laughing, you can't help but laugh with her.

Someone once said that Vera's smile lights up the world.

And it does.

Seriously!

Who could not love this little face?

How could anyone think this precious one belongs in an institution?

It boggles our minds.

Both girls ended up dripping...literally...from head to toe.

Vera's legs were so tired from standing there for 3 hours,

she couldn't walk up the stairs to her room.

Jon had to help me change her clothes because

her legs couldn't hold her up anymore.

She played hard.

She laughed hard.

Joy personified.

Home for a Week

We've been home for a week. Can you believe it?!

In some ways it seems like we never left. Some days our time in Ukraine seems like a dream, a blur. Sometimes it seems like Vera has always been here...always been with us. Other times I'm left thinking, "Seriously, God?" Overall it's been a really good week. Vera seems to be adjusting amazingly well. She loves her siblings and they love her. She loves our pets...a little too much. Vera loves her room and her toys and will sometimes even play in her room all by herself. Sometimes.

Our daily routine:

Vera wakes up between 6:30 and 7:00 each morning. Today she woke up at 7:10. It was glorious! I get up with her, take her to peezit (potty) and we head to the kitchen. She eats yogurt and some fruit.

Next we play. If any of the kids are up, they play in Vera's room with her while I check email.
The big kids eat breakfast between 9 and 10 and Vera usually eats something with them. Vera told us one day when Sasha was with us that she doesn't like hot cereal. But she loves oatmeal. Especially if the big kids are eating it too. We clean up breakfast, brush teeth and either get Vera dressed or give her a bath.

Then we play...sometimes in Vera's room, sometimes the living room. Sometimes we go back and forth. Sometimes she'll sit and let me read to her. Sometimes not.

After lunch Vera needs extra attention. She just gets ornery. Every day so far we've gone through ALL of our movies and EVERYTHING else in the living room. Vera picks up each thing and asks, "Is this mine?" She's gone through all the cupboards and drawers in the kitchen with the same question. She's gone through all of my books with the same question. We do this EVERY DAY! Sometimes more than once a day. Will someone please tell me she'll eventually stop this? My answer is always the same. Sometimes Vera will try to negotiate with me and convince me that whatever is in her hand should be hers. Of course, she negotiates in Russian and I have no idea what she's saying, but it's obvious she is negotiating. She never wins her little one sided debate, but how many times will we play this game? As Vera would say, oy! This part of our day truly wears my patience down. Mostly because I want to say, "I already told you, this is so-and-so's!"

We (I, now that Jon is back to work) spend most of the afternoon running defense with Vera trying to keep her out of mischief.

Then comes dinner. Vera is eating really well. Especially if we put a cookie or brownie in front of her. The other day she turned up her nose at macaroni and cheese for lunch. Come on! What kid doesn't like mac & cheese?! I put a cookie in front of her and told her she could have it when her lunch was gone. She ate it all in about 5 minutes. What do you know! We haven't forced her to eat everything...we have found that she'll gag on food she truly doesn't like. Usually when she takes a bite of something she's never had, she makes a face like she's not going to like it. She'll chew a bit and taste it and then she smiles and nods and sits forward to continue eating. Different friends have been bringing us dinner each night since we've been home. This has been such a needed amazing blessing. I'm still worried about how I'll do it when the meal train is over, but I guess I'll figure it out when the time comes. Afternoons are very difficult. And what will Vera think the first day that no one comes in the afternoon with food and gifts for her?

After dinner we either play some more, read, listen to music or continue to run interference with Vera.

And then, my favorite part of the day...BEDTIME! I remember looking so forward to bedtime when the big kids were little. Here we are again. Either I'm getting older or Vera is worse than the twins were combined. Vera usually goes to bed at 8:00 without a fight. We brush teeth, peezit, put PJ's on and head to her room. She always wants Jon to stay in her room while she falls asleep. She's been falling asleep in less than 20 minutes. With very little swaying and jerking. For this we are thankful.

On Tuesday Vera was a pill ALL DAY! From the time she woke up until she went to bed. When we went through the videos playing the 'Is this mine?' game, she got upset and just started pulling them all off the shelf. Same thing with my books. Jon or I would remove her and bring her to her room and show her HER books and HER toys and HER things. She would chase the cat around and grab her underside. She would chokehold Toby. She would repeatedly and continually touch things that we told her not to touch. (I could be describing Abbi at the age of two!) It was a trying day. She had a tantrum late in the day that, thankfully, Jon handled. It was all about a magnet. That's another thing we go through repeatedly. The magnets on the fridge. 'Is this mine?' We told Vera one or two of them could be hers but they had to stay on the fridge with all the others. She did NOT like that. Whenever we tell Vera that something is hers, she takes it away and hoards it in her room. I'm sure this is typical orphanage behavior, but it is rather annoying. We're trying to teach her that she can have her things in other rooms and they will still be hers. We won't take her things when she's not looking. Her things will stay in the same place unless SHE moves them. I guess it will take time for her to figure that out.

I've told a few people that Vera is like a two year old trapped in the body of a 6 year old. We can't leave her on her own like we could with our big kids when they were 6. She cannot be trusted. Not that we're trying to leave her alone, but I would love to take a shower one day and not have to rush through it for fear of what Vera is doing. The big kids can handle her for a bit, but Vera gets to the point where she needs mommy or daddy time. I'm getting to where I can see she's heading there and intervene before crazy Vera enters the picture.

Someone asked me the other day why I say that Vera is like a two year old. Behaviorally she is two. Emotionally she is two. Maturity wise she is two. I think most of this is because she grew up in an orphanage. Her behavior is pretty typical for institutional living. I also think some of her behavior is because she's used to getting what she wants. Her caregivers at the orphanage would give her what she wanted to keep her from having a tantrum. One day when she was so upset about going back to her group and having a meltdown outside the door, a caregiver came out and told Vera that if she stopped screaming and came inside she could have a piece of candy. Nice. So, I think part of her ornery-ness is that she's waiting for a bribe. She's slowly learning that bribery is not our game and we will not give in to her tantrums and negotiations. Mommy and Daddy don't give candy, but we do give hugs and kisses and I love you's. She's slowly learning, with much repetition, that Vera is not in charge. Mommy (and Daddy) is the boss.

Discipline is a challenge. Because of her background, we can't spank her. There are moments when all I can think is, 'You SO need a spankin' little girl!' We can't put her in time out. She would live in time out if it were an option. She is figuring out self control though. She throws things when she's mad and when she does, we take away whatever she's thrown. When she calms down, she gets her toy back. With the big kids, we would've had them wait an hour or two (or all day) before giving them back whatever they had thrown. But by giving Vera her things back as soon as she calms down, she's learning self control. Sometimes she'll calm down as soon as we pick up whatever she's thrown. Every once in awhile she'll even look at what's in her hand and contemplate chucking it across the room. This is good progress, though we know it's still going to take much more time for the tantrums to subside altogether. If any of you have advice about how to handle the toy throwing, please share. Vera had her longest tantrum yet this afternoon and I could see her looking around for a toy to throw that she didn't care about losing. Maybe our tactic of giving things right back isn't the way to go. I'm at a loss.

Communication is going pretty well. We don't always understand her, but we think she understands most of what we tell her. This morning she wanted Cheerios. She had set the table (photo coming) and I asked her if she wanted the cereal on her plate or in her bowl. She pointed to the bowl and said, "bowl." She can always answer our questions accordingly with a 'yes' or 'no' or if we've given her a choice between two things, she'll choose one. Yesterday after she had gone through all the movies for the 9th time, she came across the kids' baby albums. She looked at each of them and then said, "Where's mine?" Oh, break my heart. I will never have a baby album for Vera. I will never be able to tell her about the first time she rolled over or sat up or smiled or laughed. She kept pointing to the kids' albums and then went in to a long lecture to me. She was talking and pointing to the albums and pointing to herself and pointing to me. She said something like, "Jacob has a book. Caleb has a book. Abbi has a book. Why doesn't Vera have a book? Vera needs a book too." Later that day she was looking at all the pictures on our refrigerator. There are two of our family before Vera. She went through each person and named our names. Then she looked at me and said, "Where's Vera?" Oh, sweet Vera. You're here now. We will do everything we can to make up for the 6 years that we missed.

I do have more to say, but I hate long blog posts so I'll close for now. I need to share about a few other things and get some thoughts and advice from those of you who have already walked in my shoes. Stay tuned. AND, the blog is no longer private! Many of you sent me messages saying you wished you could share certain posts with your friends. FEEL FREE! Share with the world! We're home now and there's no reason to keep the blog private anymore! YAY!

And of course, I can't leave you without pictures!

Vera loves the tickle game!

She negotiates with each of us how many times we have to let her tickle us.

She tells us to lay down and close our eyes.

She goes into the kitchen and then sneaks up on us to tickle us.

She is not a quiet walker though, and we can always hear her coming.

Vera is finally learning that if she is soft and GENTLE, the cat will come to her.

She also learned that if she pinches the cat, the cat WILL bite her.

It was a gentle bite that didn't even leave a mark, but Vera cried.

AND she let me console her and kiss her owie. Progress.

Vera got a haircut on Monday!

As you can see, it went VERY well!

She learned how to make popsicles with apple juice.

Vera LOVES to set the table. When we were in the apartment in Ukraine, she would set the table several times a day. A great friend of mine brought Vera some plastic dishes yesterday. This morning Vera did not waste any time in setting the table...complete with every single placemat she could find.

Today we had to run to the grocery store to get a few things. Vera was beyond excited when I told her. She picked out her own ensemble for the outing. This proves how much I've relaxed since the big kids were little. I never would've let Abbi leave the house looking like this. Now my attitude is WHO CARES?! Everyone will think she's darling...and everyone did!

The Difference a Family Makes

Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world. James 1:27

I had intended to write a different post with the first 3 pictures below. I was planning to rant and rave about why we ALL need to do something to care for orphans. None of us have good reasons not to do something. I'm not saying that everyone should adopt...I know many people can't for legitimate reasons. But I am convinced that many of you reading this are supposed to adopt. I just know it. A few of you have even sent me messages saying that you've begun the process to adopt, due largely to things I am telling you about here. Sharing Vera's experience has prompted some of you to set aside your own notions and to really pray and seek God's will about adoption. That humbles me greatly. It also motivates me even more to continue to share. So I will.

Remember when I told you about how Vera falls asleep? You can read about it here if you missed it or need a refresher. She would fight us when it was time for bed. She never wanted to lay down. Seeing how she falls asleep, I can't blame her for fighting it. I really don't think she likes the place where she goes in order to fall asleep. I wish I knew where that place is. Then again, maybe I don't. Anyway, I took these pictures at our apartment in Ukraine. This is how Vera's hair looked every morning when she woke up. Sometimes it was worse. Her violent swaying and jerking left her hair a complete mess each morning.
We've been home since Thursday. Vera is a different girl than the one who had me sobbing in the bathroom last Wednesday. She is calm. She is peaceful. She's had ONE tantrum since we've been home. One. She was having several a day in Ukraine. I am still thanking God for every hour that goes by without a tantrum. :) Vera belongs here. We think she knows it. From the time we walked in to the house on Thursday, she has seemed to feel at home here. It's been natural. She loves her siblings. She loves our pets. She loves her room and her toys. Vera is enjoying using the bathroom when she needs to and not when she's told to. She enjoys getting a drink when she's thirsty and not when she's told to. She knows we'll give her food when she's hungry and not just at the same time every day. She has freedom. She has choices. She has a family who loves her dearly.

Vera has spent 4 nights in her new bed in her new room in her new home with her new family. The first morning she woke up at 3. The second morning she woke up at 5. The night before last, she got a good, normal night's sleep. Last night was also a normal night of sleep. I took these pictures below this morning. Go back and look at the before pictures.

Look at how she wakes up now. Do you know what the difference is? In Ukraine, she would sway and jerk for over an hour every night. Sometimes it was 2 hours. One night it was over 3. Two nights ago, Vera was asleep in 30 minutes. Last night it took a whopping 15 minutes.
Vera still sways and jerks as she falls asleep. But it doesn't last long. She is comfortable here. She is relaxed. She is safe. She is LOVED. She doesn't need to spend as much time in 'that place' before she drifts off to sleep. I'm not saying that we don't have a long road ahead of us. We do. Part of me is wondering if this is the calm before the storm. There is much healing that needs to take place, and I'm not talking about her CP. But I think these photos are a testament to the difference having a family makes.
I don't know about you, but this shows me that adoption matters. Adoption makes a difference.
Don't you agree?

I've been planning this song for this event for many months...and now it's complete. Praise the Lord!! Listen to the words as you watch. And you may want a tissue. :) Thank you to everyone who made our homecoming so very special.

The Homecoming Story - and It's a Good One!

Oh, friends. I have such good things to tell you about our trip home. I had asked many of you to pray specifically about our travel home with Vera, and boy, did God answer! In so many big and wonderful ways!

Jon and I got up at 2:30 am on Thursday (Ukraine time) to shower and do the last minute packing. We woke Vera at 3:30. It took a few minutes to wake her, but when she finally sat up she stretched out her arms like an airplane and pretended to fly. I confirmed to her that, yes, we were up in the middle of the night to go get on a plane and head home! She was so excited!! She walked around the apartment saying, "Paka" to everything. Paka bathroom. Paka kitchen. Paka bedroom. It was so cute! We left our apartment at 4:00 am and Niko (good ole' Niko!) drove us to the airport. We checked in with no problems and when we arrived at our gate, the plane was already boarding. We took a bus to the plane and got right on. Our seats were in the very back row. I sat by the window and we put Vera in between us. She was such a champ! She was so excited to be on the plane heading home. She smiled and jibber jabbered. The plane started moving and we could tell she was nervous, but she kept flashing us smiles. Jon was explaining to Vera with motions and sounds what was going to happen. She did fabulous. Just fabulous. As we were climbing, she pointed to her ears and had this pained look on her face. We gave her a snack hoping the chewing would help. She never made mention of her ears again. Praise God! She enjoyed it whenever the flight attendants brought her a drink or snack. She sat on my lap a bit and looked out the window. She never fussed once. We landed in Amsterdam a few hours later and Vera started clapping and smiling. Then she said, "Dome! Dome!" (Home! Home!) So we had to explain to her that we still had one LONG flight to go. She was so excited to be coming home! As were we!!

We spent almost 3 hours in Amsterdam and it was a good thing. We hadn't been given our boarding passes for our 2nd flight when we checked in in Kiev. Jon tried 3 different kiosks in Amsterdam and none of them worked for us. They worked for other people, but not us. We went and found our gate and Vera and I hung out there while Jon tried to find a desk to get our boarding passes. It got to the point where we had less than an hour until our plane was supposed to take off. No sign of Jon. He had been gone almost an hour. I admit, I had knots in my stomach. All I could think was, "I need to go home. Please, Lord, get us on this plane." I worried. And then, I prayed. I knew God knew we needed to go home. He knew I was done with this trip. He knew the other kids needed us home. He knew. Finally, Jon found us and we were all set. Apparently when we checked in in Kiev, they had input Vera's passport information incorrectly and the errors had to be fixed. We got in the very long line and waited to be interviewed before boarding the plane. That was no big deal. Vera panicked a bit when we went through security. Those big, new x-ray things scare her terribly. Thankfully, they just used the wand on Vera...they didn't even make her get out of the stroller. Thank You, God! We made our way to the front of the very packed crowd thinking that when the plane started boarding they would let us be among the first on since Vera obviously needs help. But when the attendant came, she just opened the door and everyone flooded through. What happened to boarding First Class and those who need assistance first?! I was frustrated. Halfway down the jetway, we had to get Vera out of the stroller to gate check it. People were so impatient. I got even more frustrated. Granted, I was exhausted, but I kept my cool. We got on the plane and got all situated for the long, almost 9 hour flight to Atlanta.

Before I share what God did next, I have to tell you this. Vera has tantrums. But they're not just any tantrum. She screams, she bites, she hits, she pulls hair. I will be sharing with you soon about Vera's tantrums because I want to help you understand why she does this. Let me just say now that on Wednesday evening I locked myself in the bathroom and cried and cried and cried. I was so done with Ukraine. I needed to come home. I missed the other kids. I was sick of the apartment and trying to keep a 6 year old who doesn't know how to play with toys entertained. I needed to come home.

So, we got all situated in our seats and Vera entertained herself with the buttons on the screen in front of her and the magazines in her seat pocket. I sat next to a lovely woman who commented on Vera's cuteness and asked how old she is. I told her she's 6 and that was that. She had her Kindle in her lap and earphones in. But a few minutes later she asked me if we were returning from a vacation. I told her we had just spent 5 1/2 weeks in Ukraine to adopt Vera. We were finally going home. Well, the Lord hand-picked this Christ-loving woman to sit next to me on the plane. I had tears rolling down my cheeks as she told me that she adopted her son 5 years ago from Russia when he was 4 years old. Can you believe that?! I didn't ask her to, but she gave me so much encouragement. She told me the first month or so is going to be really tough, but once Vera is speaking more English, things will get much better. I was able to ask this woman questions about Vera's tantrums and sleeping and all sorts of things. Oh, how I needed this woman right then! Glory to God!!

The long flight over the ocean went very well. We were fed well and Vera was such a trooper! She asked to go to the bathroom quite a bit, but I think she was just tired of sitting. She was either sitting in her stroller or sitting on the airplane the whole time. Sometimes when we took her to the bathroom she actually went, but usually not. :) She is terrified of flushing the toilets on airplanes. Poor thing. Overall she was so content. She never cried. She fussed a few times, but for the most part she was agreeable. Another huge answer to prayer! A few hours into the flight, Vera started her bedtime swaying. We knew she had to be exhausted so we gave her a little melatonin to help her fall asleep calmly. Within 30 minutes she was sound asleep. I was hoping she would sleep 4 hours, but after 2 she woke up and was done. When Vera was awake, she would say, "America!" every few minutes with her cute little Russian accent. Then she would say the kids' names. She was beside herself excited about coming home. Can I get an Amen here? That is another HUGE answer to prayer!

Finally we landed in Atlanta. I was fighting back tears the last 30 minutes of our flight. We were HOME! I can't even express how that felt. It makes me cry now just remembering. We got off the plane and got in the long line at passport control. It actually went pretty quickly. We were then taken to an office where someone had to review Vera's Ukrainian passport and our adoption documentation. That took 10 or 15 minutes and Vera just sat there quietly in her stroller. Another answer to prayer! She was just as done with the trip as we were. We kept telling her, "In a few minutes, we'll see Jacob and Caleb and Abbi!" She was probably wondering if we were really going to see them. We got our go ahead to leave passport control and went to get our baggage and re-check it. That was quick and easy if I remember correctly. :)

THEN, my poor little baby was traumatized for life. As was I. We had to go through security again to enter the main part of the airport. We had not had any trouble with security being understanding about Vera...until then. This was Homeland Security. And they were not messing around. I am all for making sure America is safe, but what they did to us is inexcusable and ridiculous. We got all our carry-on things put on the conveyor belt and Jon went through the big x-ray thing. This scares Vera just watching and she started to get panicky. I bent down to comfort her and she put a death grip on my hand. I told the man that Vera has CP and can we please let her stay in the stroller. I don't really remember everything he said to me, but Vera and I were separated. The man explained that a lady would take Vera while I went through the x-ray thing. I asked if I could wait until Jon was done so that he could be with Vera. Well, Jon got pinged for a private, full pat-down and had already been taken away. I asked the man to please make sure Vera could see me at all times. I explained that we just adopted her and she doesn't speak our language and she's terrified (which was obvious by her crying and the look on her face...one I will never forget). Well, they didn't care. Away my screaming, terrified Vera went while I went through the machine. I got done and they made me wait there until I was cleared. Finally the security man let me go to Vera. She was just a mess. I was so ready to yell at someone, but I knew I had to keep my cool so I wouldn't scare Vera any more than she already was. Then the lady who had taken Vera away asked me if she can stand up at all. I said yes, but she needs help. So the lady had me get Vera out of the stroller and stand up. Then she gave Vera a full pat down, while Vera is crying and looking at me obviously still terrified. Strange hands all over her body, hair and clothing. The lady finished and I pulled Vera onto my lap to calm her down while the stroller was taken away to be checked with the bomb detection swabbing things. Meanwhile, our things were all piled up at the end of the conveyor belt. Anyone could've run off with our stuff this whole time. Jon was still not back. I did not see one other person get a pat down. Just us. Crazy! The lady brought the stroller back to me and told me we could go. I calmly talked to Vera and told her we were going to go get our shoes back on and get our things and then we would go. She nodded at me through her tears and finally quit crying. I put her in the stroller and went to start gathering our things and put mine and Vera's shoes back on. Jon finally joined us at this point and I just wanted to cry. I couldn't believe they just did this to us. Vera, though, she was so amazing. She cried when she was scared, but she calmed right down when the whole ordeal was over. And I will say that it was good to see her scared to be taken away by someone else. It was good that she was calling for ME, her mommy. It was good that she knew she was supposed to be with me. It was good that she let me comfort her and calm her down instead of swaying and sucking her fingers. It was a bad situation, but there was good in it too. Although, the whole thing really could have, should have been avoided.

We left security and went to find a restroom before heading down to the train that would take us to the escalator that would take us to our family. Vera was scared when we pushed her onto the train, but I sat down right in front of her and held her hands. I told her the train was going to move and she would push back in her stroller. We would go really fast and then the train would stop and she would lean forward in her stroller. I told her the train will do this 4 times and then we'll go see Jacob and Caleb and Abbi. This made her smile.

I had to share that security story so that you will appreciate even more how Vera was when we finally got off that escalator and hugged our kids. Have you seen the pictures on Facebook? She was ALL smiles. She gave each of the kids big bear hugs. It was so awesome! Another answer to prayer!! She was so ready to be with her brothers and sister. So ready. Only God could've done that.

Our homecoming was awesome. I couldn't hold back my tears as I hugged each of my big kids. 5 1/2 weeks is really too long to go without hugging them. We spent a few minutes with Jacob, Caleb and Abbi and then we headed out to where our welcome wagon was patiently waiting for us.

Here's part of the group awaiting our arrival.

Oh my. To hug my precious friends. To cry with them. There are no words.

We were so blessed and thankful to have Jon's brother and his wife here for our arrival.

They drove all the way from Illinois to help welcome Vera home.

Having Jenn and Pam there meant the world to me (below). If not for these two beautiful women, we would not have found Vera. Jenn (on the left) has been advocating for Vera since September 2009...at the same time that Jon and I began seriously discussing foster care and adoption. Jenn prayed, hollered and fundraised for Vera like you wouldn't believe. For almost 2 years. If I remember correctly, Jenn and Pam met last year in a round about way because Pam's family hosted a girl from Ukraine last Christmas thru New Horizons. Pam and I had met a few years ago and then lost touch. Because of New Horizons and a comment Pam had made on their Facebook page, Pam and I became FB friends. Jenn had posted Vera's picture on Facebook, and on Valentine's Day Pam shared the photo on her wall where I saw Vera's precious face for the first time. And I knew she was ours. These two women will forever hold a special place in our hearts.
Our homecoming was more than we could ask for. We are home.

There are many more photos I want to share with you. I'm also working on something fabulous for you, but I'm waiting for a few more pictures to be emailed to me (hint, hint). I can't save the photos that were posted on Facebook. In the meantime, these will have to do.

Thank you all for journeying with us. Thank you for praying. Thank you for showering so much love on us. Thank you to everyone who signed up to bring us meals. I can't even tell you what a blessing this is to us. We are beyond thankful.

Bustin' Her OUT!!

June 29, 2011

A day we will not soon forget.

We legally, officially became the parents of 4!!

We were picked up at 7:45 am to begin the paper chase. First to the courthouse to get our court decree. Then to pick up Vera's new birth certificate with Jon and I named as her parents. Then to the notary to sign the new birth certificate. Then to the passport office where we waited and waited and waited. For almost 2 hours. But you don't hear me complaining!! In some regions the wait for the passport is 3 - 5 DAYS...waiting for 2 hours was no big deal. It was lunch time and I was starving and starting to shake, so Viktor (Sasha's husband and our driver) took me to McDonald's to grab a bite. I told him what I wanted and he told me to sit and he would order our food. He speaks a little English, but not enough to chat over lunch. So we sat there in silence each lost in our own thoughts. We went back to the passport office and picked up Jon and Sasha. Then we headed to the bank to close out Vera's account. The government here puts a small amount of money into each orphan's account every month. We closed Vera's account and donated the money to her orphanage. They were SO appreciative of that gift. Did you know that Ukraine will be closed to international adoptions beginning next Monday? Yep. Closed. 'They' say the closure will last 3 months, but Sasha's words to us were, "I know my country. It will take much longer than 3 months." The last time SDA closed it lasted 6 months. Sasha thinks this closure will last 8 months or more. But God is in control. We must keep that in mind. Do you know what will happen during the closure? The orphanages will get more crowded. The children will suffer. Part of our adoption fees included a donation to Vera's orphanage, aside from what we gave from her bank account. 3 other children were in the process of being adopted from Vera's orphanage at the same time as Vera. That means several thousand dollars in donations. The closure means that the orphanages will lose this much needed income. For 3 months or more. While children continue to be put in the orphanages. It's crazy! Many, many people here are very worried about the SDA closure and all the implications. The children will suffer. We need to storm heaven with prayers that the closure will be short-lived.

Anyway, our last stop before heading to Vera's orphanage was to the bank to close her account. As we were walking in, Sasha told us THIS is where we would need to exercise patience. It was a government bank, versus a private one, and the employees were in no hurry to help us. We were there for over 2 hours. We waited at the bank longer than we waited anywhere else that day.

Finally, it was time to go get Vera and bust her out. I was excited and scared and nervous and emotional. We arrived at the orphanage and first gave our donation to the bookkeepers. Then we went to another office and signed a paper saying we are now responsible for Vera. Then we headed to her room. We got there right after naptime and the children were still in the bedroom (we finally got to see it and they let me take pictures...I'll just say for now, that Vera is WAY too big for the bed she was in...made me so sad to see). Vera saw us come in and instantly started crying. We figured she would. She threw her arms around Alla's neck and said in Russian, "I'm going to miss you so much!" Poor baby. She sobbed and sobbed and finally Alla took her into the bathroom to calm her down and wash her face. They returned and we dressed Vera in the clothes I brought. The children do not leave the orphanage with any clothes. We had to bring everything Vera would wear out of there. We got Vera dressed and then Alla fixed her hair.

Isn't she so pitiful?

Can you imagine how scared she must've been?

Olya (our favorite caregiver) had left at 1:00 (wish we had known that beforehand), but left her phone number and asked if we would let Vera call her to say goodbye. Vera thought that was pretty special.

Then we emptied out Vera's locker.

Sasha told Vera to go say one more goodbye to her group.

Vera walked in all smiles waving and saying, "Paka! Paka!"

One last hug for Alla.

And then we headed down the stairs...

Vera did not want to hold our hands down the stairs.

She wanted to do it herself.

Walking out the door for the very last time.

Paka, baby home 19.

Vera will never enter your gate again!

She is an orphan no more!!

Slava Bogu!!

(Praise God!!)