Well, it's official. My heart has been ripped out of my body and is on its way to Russia. Actually, it's there already.
But let me back up and start with Wednesday. The Pierce's had a farewell party so that Leanna could say goodbye to her American friends. The kids and I were able to get there mid-afternoon to spend some extra time with her. I had the privilege of helping Leanna pack. Such bittersweet moments. We were able to share a few giggles about 'girl things' or 'secrets' as Leanna likes to call them (she does enjoy a good secret!). But as the packing continued, tensions seemed to run a little high. Katie was downstairs getting ready for the party, while Leanna, Mark and I were packing and repacking and weighing and packing and removing things and weighing again. Her suitcase could not weigh more than 50 pounds and she could only bring 1 suitcase to check and 1 carry-on with her (with NO liquids). Leanna had purchased a few HUGE bottles of shampoo, conditioner and bodywash with a gift card she had received for Christmas. Together, they weighed close to 10 pounds and it became clear that she wasn't going to be able to bring them home. She was most upset and argued and argued that they were her gifts that she bought. My heart went out to her. I remember being that age and how important things like that were, especially things purchased on your own. Mark promised to ship them to her and she cried that it would take 2 weeks for the package to get to her. At some point Mark left the room to call the translator while Leanna and I stayed in her room. She had tears streaming down her face and she just cried out, "I no WANT Russia!". And then my tears came. I had done SO good not crying in front of her. Until that moment. I no want Russia either! This is so unfair! It's moments like that that I just don't understand God's ways. Why? Why does she have to go back to a hopeless situation? Why does she have to go back to the orphanage where there's no one to ask her about her day, no one to hug her and kiss her goodnight, no one to tell her she's loved? Why did He bring her here for us to fall in love with only to send her back? Why can't I at least tell her she has a family who loves her and wants her and will be fighting for her for however long it takes? Why does it have to be like this? Why? Why? Why? On the other hand, what if Mark and Katie had not hosted Leanna? I've known for a few months that someone is missing from our family. I just didn't know until recently that that someone is Leanna. If Mark & Katie had not decided, at the last minute, to host Leanna, how long would I have searched for her? Would I ever have found her? So many questions fill my head.
But let me back up and start with Wednesday. The Pierce's had a farewell party so that Leanna could say goodbye to her American friends. The kids and I were able to get there mid-afternoon to spend some extra time with her. I had the privilege of helping Leanna pack. Such bittersweet moments. We were able to share a few giggles about 'girl things' or 'secrets' as Leanna likes to call them (she does enjoy a good secret!). But as the packing continued, tensions seemed to run a little high. Katie was downstairs getting ready for the party, while Leanna, Mark and I were packing and repacking and weighing and packing and removing things and weighing again. Her suitcase could not weigh more than 50 pounds and she could only bring 1 suitcase to check and 1 carry-on with her (with NO liquids). Leanna had purchased a few HUGE bottles of shampoo, conditioner and bodywash with a gift card she had received for Christmas. Together, they weighed close to 10 pounds and it became clear that she wasn't going to be able to bring them home. She was most upset and argued and argued that they were her gifts that she bought. My heart went out to her. I remember being that age and how important things like that were, especially things purchased on your own. Mark promised to ship them to her and she cried that it would take 2 weeks for the package to get to her. At some point Mark left the room to call the translator while Leanna and I stayed in her room. She had tears streaming down her face and she just cried out, "I no WANT Russia!". And then my tears came. I had done SO good not crying in front of her. Until that moment. I no want Russia either! This is so unfair! It's moments like that that I just don't understand God's ways. Why? Why does she have to go back to a hopeless situation? Why does she have to go back to the orphanage where there's no one to ask her about her day, no one to hug her and kiss her goodnight, no one to tell her she's loved? Why did He bring her here for us to fall in love with only to send her back? Why can't I at least tell her she has a family who loves her and wants her and will be fighting for her for however long it takes? Why does it have to be like this? Why? Why? Why? On the other hand, what if Mark and Katie had not hosted Leanna? I've known for a few months that someone is missing from our family. I just didn't know until recently that that someone is Leanna. If Mark & Katie had not decided, at the last minute, to host Leanna, how long would I have searched for her? Would I ever have found her? So many questions fill my head.
I will say that I am so thankful that Wednesday worked out the way it did. That I was there to console Leanna and hug her and hold her and cry with her. I knew Mark and Katie would have that opportunity at bedtime, and I feel so blessed that I was able to comfort Leanna in those sad moments of packing. Somehow it bonded us, at least a little. Oh, how I miss her. I can't imagine how Mark and Katie must be feeling. I can still hear Leanna. I can hear what she'd say about our conversations, I can see and hear her reaction, I can hear her laugh, I can see her expressions. I am so thankful that we got to spend so much time with Leanna.
Anyway, the party was good. Lots of friends, lots of laughs, and lots of tears. Leanna was very upset about saying goodbye to Katie's mom. After she left, Leanna was still crying and went upstairs. A few minutes later, I followed her up to see if I could console her. When I got there, I found her lying on the floor with her head in Jacob's lap. He seemed to have things under control (both their backs were to me), so I headed back downstairs.
So, onto yesterday. The day of departure. A sad day for all of us. We met Mark & Katie at the airport and waited for the other host families to arrive. Then we waited for the New Horizons director to arrive. Then we waited for the translator to arrive with the passports. Then we waited while the baggage was checked. And we waited. And we waited. And we waited. Spirits seemed to be pretty good during that time, but I'm sure we were all dealing with our own emotions. I don't know how Mark and Katie were doing, but there were moments that it felt like my heart was in a vise and I had trouble breathing in. An odd feeling that I hope never to have again. I was glad Jon was there with me. While we waited, we learned that Leanna's good friend/roommate is being adopted next week. My heart grieved for Leanna. Over the weeks she had told us about many of her friends who've been adopted and now live the US. "My friend, so and so, live in Texas. My friend, so and so, live in Atlanta. My friend, so and so, live in New York etc." I don't know how she remembers everything, but it's obviously something she keeps track of. Leanna knew her roommate was being adopted, but no one knew until yesterday that next week her friend will leave the orphanage and come live in America. Leanna came over to me and was saying, "All my friends, they all come live in America. I have no friends left. So and so, and so and so, and so and so, they all live in America. Now Ashley. Why no me?" Oh, daughter it WILL be you! If only I could tell you! Don't lose hope, Leanna. Don't be discouraged. All I could do was hug her. I can't imagine what her thoughts must be like watching so many of her friends get adopted and leave the orphanage. She must be wondering when it will be her turn. Or if it will ever be her turn at all. She said that she prays every night for a family. She's got to wonder why that prayer hasn't been answered yet... After all the baggage finally got checked, we headed to the gate. We got to the security checkpoint and the tears began in full. I can't even put into words what it was like to hug my daughter good-bye and send her off to the other side of the world. There really aren't words to describe it. Especially since she doesn't even know she's my daughter. Jon and I did tell her that we want to host her this summer and that made her happy. Hopefully then we can tell her she's ours.
By the time we left the airport it was close to 2 pm and we were starving. Katie and I shared a last, tearful hug and we parted ways. Jon and I had already decided that after the airport we were going to go get our fingerprinting done so we can get that off to the FBI. That's probably what we'll be waiting on to finish the homestudy so we wanted that done ASAP. After a quick bite at Chik-Fil-A, we were off to the Sheriff's office. That process was quick and painless and today I am getting that paperwork in the mail. On our way home (finally) we were driving over the 'little ocean' and Jon said, "I miss her." And then he asked me how I was doing. And the tears came all over again.
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