2010 in Review - God's Faithfulness Revealed

As this year comes to a close, I have received many "2010 in Review" emails from various organizations. Have you? Did each one seem to have a common theme? I thought I should write my own 2010 in review...it's been quite a year for the Evans family.

I recently did a little thing on Facebook where you could make a page of some of your 2010 statuses. When I did it, one thing crossed my mind. God's faithfulness. How many times had I asked for prayer, either publicly on Facebook or quietly to myself? How many times had God answered? Well, sometimes I am very good at wasting time...I decided to go back to the beginning of 2010 and copy and paste all my statuses into a Word document. Yes, I know, I'm weird. But I am also encouraged and so glad I did it. We have a large amount of money due very soon to continue the process to adopt Leanna. We need $16,500 in a few weeks and we have just over $3,000 of it. Plus we still have two trips to make. All together, we still need over $30,000 to finish this thing and bring Leanna home.

Where will we get the rest? How will we come up with it?

I

have

no

earthly

idea.

But I am not worried.

At. All.

Which is a new, odd revelation. Every other time we knew a large sum of money would soon be needed, Jon and I would ask ourselves, sometimes repeatedly, "What are we going to do? What if we don't have the money by the time we need it?" Which always led to prayer. Which always led to prayer being answered. Because that's just how God works.

We ask. He answers.

Does He always answer in the affirmative? Well...no. God is not a genie in a bottle. He does not always answer the way we want Him to. But He does always answer.

I'd like to share some of the things I posted on Facebook this year. I pray you will be encouraged as you read some of my prayer requests and also the ways He answered...sometimes very quickly. Most of these are related to adopting Leanna. There were many other prayer requests that God answered this year. Many, many, many.

Okay, so, here are 20 Facebook status/prayer requests...going back to January 2010:

1. would appreciate prayers today. Leanna returns to Russia. I ask again, how am I supposed to let her go? I guess the answer is that I have no choice. To quote her words yesterday, "I no WANT Russia!" My poor girl. Please pray for peace for all of us.

We did have peace. God did ANSWER my request. It was a hard, emotional day last January when we put Leanna on the plane back to Russia. We cried and cried and cried some more. But there was peace. Peace that her return to Russia would not be permanent. Peace in the hope that she would soon be home for good. Peace in God's plan that she is our daughter. Peace. Peace. Peace.

ANSWER to fundraising prayers - is praising God for an awesome yard sale today! Over $1,200 raised for 3 adoption funds! YAY GOD!!

ANSWER to fundraising prayers - received an anonymous envelope at co-op today. Full of cash for our adoption fund. $400 to be exact. All I could do was cry. David's words from 2 Samuel 7 are running through my head. "Because of your promise & according to your own heart you have brought about all this greatness to make your servant know it. O Lord God, you are God & your words are true & you have promised this good thing to your servant."

ANSWER - is praising God for "performing wonders that cannot be fathomed, miracles that cannot be counted!" WOO HOO!! Thank You, Lord!

(The above was related to a prayer request about Jon's work. I had asked our small group to pray for a miracle...and God provided it. If you'd like to hear the story sometime, I would love to share it!)

2. is speechless. All I can say is PLEASE PRAY for a miracle...that Russia will NOT suspend US adoptions. I'm going to go have a good cry now.

3. can't wait to see what the Lord does today! I think it's gonna be big! I invite all of you to come experience our yard sale. And believe me, it will be an experience not to be missed!

4. is praying that the threatened thunder shower will pass us by this morning. Please join me in praying that our yard sale will not get rained out!

ANSWER to 3 & 4 - knows you're all anxiously awaiting the results...our two day yard sale raised $1,860 to help with adoption expenses for us and also for our friends who will bring baby Elijah home from Ethiopia very soon! We give all the glory to God! WOO HOO!!!

5. is hoping all my local friends will come to our 3rd yard sale adoption fundraiser TOMORROW! EVERYTHING MUST GO!!! Come hungry...we'll have nummy baked goods for sale, too!

ANSWER to 5 - is pleased to report that despite the rain, or should I say downpour, despite the thunder and lightning, God sent us shoppers...from 6:45 am until noon. Our yard sale fundraiser yesterday raised...drum roll please...$1,300!!! God totally exceeded our hopes and expectations AGAIN! HE ROCKS!!

ANSWER to 2 - is super excited to announce that after many weeks of limbo and trying to figure out how to move forward, our homestudy has FINALLY been issued and we should have it tomorrow.

6. continued from previous - Next step...apply for USCIS. Looks like the average wait-time for that is almost 4 months.

7. needs to get back on the fundraising trail. Turning in more adoption paperwork also means handing over more money. We'll soon be needing over $2,000. Anyone want to sponsor a puzzle piece? Anyone? Anyone?

8. and ANSWER to 8 - recently asked a few friends to pray for wisdom for me. Today as I was looking for a Bible study to keep me busy this summer, I stumbled across this...an online series of broadcasts from Beth Moore. The topic - wisdom. Oh, how I love Jesus and the many ways He cares for me!

ANSWER to 7 - is blessed beyond measure. We were surprised with an envelope full of cash from some awesomely wonderful friends to help buy Leanna clothes & things for the summer. We were also blessed with a surprise check from other, yet equally awesomely wonderful friends, to help buy things for Leanna's room. My cup runneth over...thank you, everyone!

ANSWER to private prayer during Leanna's summer visit - is thankful and praising God for a good day. Only ups today...no downs. Can't wait to see what He has in store for tomorrow!

ANSWER to 6 - does believe a new record has been set. We received our USCIS approval in the mail yesterday. I verified with our agency to make sure this is it...it is. The pretty pink piece of paper that many people we know waited 3 or 4 months for arrived after only...are you ready for this? 34 DAYS!! We were just fingerprinted 11 days ago! AMAZING!!

ANSWER to many private prayers - finally feels like Leanna feels like she's part of our family. Tonight was our best night yet! LOTS of laughter, games, and tickling. She almost gave Jon a goodnight hug. Twice. Thankful for a good, peaceful day at home (without complaining that it's 'boringly') and praying that tomorrow is just as good or even better. Can't believe we only have 15 days left with her. For now.

ANSWER to private prayer - survived a shopping trip with Leanna today. Had to smile when Abbi asked if she could accompany us into the dressing room. Leanna smiled and said, "Abbi, you come. You my sister. You come too." I love the way Leanna and Abbi are bonding. Leanna goes into Abbi's room at bedtime, sits at the end of the bed, and they chat in the dark until Jon or I go in to say it's bedtime. Sisters!

HUGE ANSWER to many private prayers - is so thankful that I got to see Leanna give Jon a hug at bedtime last night. It was the first time she gave him a real, both arms around his waist, hug. YAY!! It's hard to believe how far we've come in just 4 weeks. Praise the Lord!!

9. is really beginning to wonder about this plan God has for our family. Prayers are appreciated. It's been a rough weekend and I really need God to show Himself in a very big way.

ANSWER to 9 - is thankful that His grace is sufficient for me. His power is made perfect in my weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 2 Corinthians 9-10

ANSWER to 9 - can't say the same for Leanna, but I for one had an awesome experience at the dentist today. We were there for 2 hours while she had 8 cavities filled. The whole time, the dentist told me his story of adopting a 12 year old boy 6 years ago. He shared about how the Lord provided all his needs & carried he & his wife through the storms, valleys & deserts. Isn't it just like God to show up when you least expect it?!

10. NEEDS YOUR HELP! FBC in Gainesville offered us $500 for our adoption expenses if we can round up 10 volunteers for their consignments sale on August 27 and 28. I have 5 shifts covered so far. Please let me know if you can help! Shifts are Friday: 9-1, 1-5 or 5-9; Saturday: 7:30-11:30 or 1-5

(We ended up with 9 volunteers and $450 for the adoption fund! ANSWERED!!)

11. ‎& Jon are up to our eyeballs in grant applications. Praying for lots of money to start rolling in. Gotta bring our girl home!! Our first trip will likely be in October & we'll need around $20,000 at that time. Thankful for a sovereign God who's got it all under control. Thankful for peace after a 3 week long wrestling match. Thankful for His strength in my weakness. Thankful He can do it when I cannot. YAY, GOD!!

(We discovered that of the 5 or 6 grants we actually qualify for, several were/are out of funds at this time...but God is faithful! Read on!)

12. would appreciate prayers for Leanna. She's been in the hospital for several days with a fever that won't come down. She is still there and has missed the first two days of school. She'll miss tomorrow too. Her mood seems to be good though. She's complaining about the awful hospital food and is refusing to eat it. That's my girl!

ANSWER to 12 - finally heard back from Leanna. Her fever is gone, but she still has a cough and sore throat. She also said, "I wait for that day when we shall all be together." And she misses me and loves me. "Like cold water to a weary soul is good news from a distant land." Proverbs 25:25

13. is feeling discouraged today. Our dossier, that we were hoping would be registered on Monday, was not. That means we wait until the 27th. Having her home by Christmas may not be God's plan after all. sigh.

ANSWER to 13 - just got an email from Leanna that begins with, "Hi mom..." She's never referred to me as 'mom' before. I was not prepared for it. I'm still crying. How did she know I needed that?!

ANSWER to 13 is THRILLED to announceDrum roll please...Our dossier has FINALLY been registered!!Possible travel at the end of October.WOO HOO!!

14. would appreciate prayers for Leanna. She is yet AGAIN in the hospital...this time with stomach issues. She should be discharged on Friday but I've heard that one before.

ANSWER to 14 - is pleased to report that Leanna is out of the hospital. Maybe I should take bets on how long it will be before she goes back...could be a good fundraiser. Just kidding! Please continue to pray for her and our adoption process. We're still waiting to hear from Russia...or should I say Rush-huh.

15. needs you all to PRAY! There is a rumor that the Russian MOE is not processing any more adoptions this year because they don't want to exceed the number from 2009 (which has already been exceeded) & that the governor wants to reduce adoptions by 60% next year. Our agency is aware of the rumor but can't confirm or deny it until NEXT WEEK when their facilitator meets with an official!

16. can't believe this...now Jon has to head out of town TOMORROW and may or may not be back by Saturday. I may be sending out an urgent email BEGGING people to come help me set up for the yard sale on Saturday morning. It's too late to reschedule. I have 2 women coming at 7am, but I may need some men to help with the heavy stuff. Anyone? Anyone?

17. needs to know if anyone has clothes racks we can borrow for Saturday. We were hoping to use the ones we had last time but just found out it's a no-go. Anyone? Anyone? We'll need quite a few...

(5 small clothes were provided and we rigged up some sawhorses and poles for the rest. ANSWERED!)

ANSWER to 16 - How great is our God! Sing with me! How great is our God! And all will see how great, how GREAT is our God! Are you ready to Look, Watch and Be Amazed? I sure am! I'm amazed just looking at all that was accomplished today. God multiplied my time over and over. Still lots to do to get ready for our Yard Sale Like No Other, but I am no longer overwhelmed. PRAISE GOD!!

ANSWER to 16 - is exhausted. Worked on the yard sale for 9 hours today. WOW! We have GREAT stuff this time! Thank you to all who donated! THANK YOU to all who helped me today. I couldn't have done it without you!! We even made $155 from people who just couldn't wait until tomorrow...even though we repeatedly told them THE YARD SALE IS TOMORROW!

ANSWER knows you're all waiting on pins and needles to hear...

drum roll please...
our Yard Sale Like No Other raised...
over $1,400 - in JUST ONE DAY! WOO HOO, GOD!
We enjoyed it so much, we decided to do it again next weekend.
Did you just hear the kids groan? :)

18. just had an hour long IM chat with Leanna. She is sad & upset that we haven't come & that we don't know when we will. Please keep her in your prayers. Also, we're trying to decide if we should host her for Christmas. Pray for wisdom. It's just so hard to predict when she'll be home. Hosting will cost $2,400...which we just raised with the yard sales. But then it's $2,400 out of the adoption fund. What should we do?

ANSWER to 15 & 18 - JUST GOT TRAVEL DATES!!! Russia, here we come! WOW! I am stunned...what do we do first?

19. thinks Oksana at Go To Russia ROCKS! Visa applications done! Next on the list...travel arrangements. Advice please...should we buy tickets for about $1,200 each and KNOW we'll get there in time or use a friends buddy pass for half the cost but fly stand-by and take a risk? What would you do?? OR...do any of you have Delta Skymiles you'd like to transfer to us?

ANSWER to 19 - just loves it when God works it all out for you...and in ways you would never expect. The sister of a friend of mine just transferred 42,000 miles to us (for $480) which gave us 63,000 with Delta's 50% bonus. That gives us enough miles for TWO tickets to Russia for the lovely price of about $715!! The tickets are on hold until Friday while the miles are put into Jon's account. We leave next Friday...9 DAYS!

ANSWER to private prayers - made it to St. Pete! YAY! We are exhausted but trying to stay awake until a reasonable bedtime. Thankful we're not hitting Paris on our way home. But I guess Amsterdam won't necessarily be any better. VERY bumpy 2nd flight. My eyes weren't closed because I was sleeping...they were closed because I was praying for our lives!

ANSWER to private prayers - survived our medical visits today! SO GLAD THAT IS OVER!!!
20. continued from previous...Please pray we have our court date by February 18 (hopefully MUCH sooner) or we'll have to do some of that again.

ANSWER to 20 pending...

So. Do you see it? God's faithfulness was revealed over and over and over this year. Every time money was due for the adoption, we had it. Even when we thought we were $400 short in Russia, God was providing that $400 here in Georgia. It's amazing to me that we have spent about $15,000 so far and not one penny of it is debt! There is no reason for Jon and I NOT to believe that God will also provide the $16,500 we need in 2 weeks and the other $15,000 we need to bring Leanna home once and for all. He has proved time and time and time again that He will provide. I think (hope) that our lack of worry at this point is evidence that we have learned this lesson. I hope that the fact that we are sleeping soundly means that we have crossed this bridge and won't have to cross it again. Neither of us have been lying awake at night wondering and worrying about where we'll get this HUGE sum of money. We're both sleeping like babies. Like we haven't a care in the world.

I just finished reading God's Adventurer by Phyllis Thompson. It's a wonderful little biography about Hudson Taylor, a missionary in China. Throughout the book, Taylor makes many requests to God. And God responds each time. It's an incredibly inspiring book, especially when you feel like your prayer requests are just too big. One thing that spoke to me was towards the end when Hudson realizes that God is calling him to begin his own missionary society. Hudson feels the responsibility is just too great. Until he realizes that the burden is not on himself. "Oh, Lord, YOU shall have all the burden! I will go forward as Your servant, at Your bidding." With that prayer, Hudson's fear disappeared. He learned that whatever happened as a result of obeying God's voice was not his responsibility. 'All he had to do was go forward, asking God to send what was necessary...'

And so shall we. After reviewing all the ways that God answered our prayers this year (I didn't even share half of them here!), there is only one way to respond. With thankfulness and eager expectation of how He will answer our prayers this year. Beginning with the $16,500.

'Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us, to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen.' Ephesians 3:20 & 21

Our Trip to Russia - Part Two

As you all should know, we have had many fundraisers since we began the process to adopt Leanna way back in January. From yard sales to puzzle pieces (which are still available for sponsoring, by the way) to yard sales to jars to fill with change and back to yard sales. When we got the news that we were to be in St. Petersburg in a mere 10 days, we went into a bit of panic mode…for just a day. Our first order of business was to apply for our Visas. It just so happened that that week the Russian Consolate had a two-day holiday, which meant they wouldn’t even LOOK at our Visa applications until the following Monday…and we needed them back by Thursday. Which meant that instead of applying for 8-day processing which would have cost $400 for both, we had to apply for 3-day processing…which cost $1,100 for both. Great. Then, of course, we had to arrange our flights. At that time we were looking at around $2,400 for both tickets. Some friends of ours had offered us their buddy passes…which would’ve reduced the cost to about $940 for both tickets. But it also meant we would fly standby. It was a tough decision. We only had so much money in our adoption fund. Do we go the cheaper route and hope we make it there in time for our meeting with the Social Committee? Or do we bite the bullet and pay full price for guaranteed seats? I did what any woman would do. I called a good friend for advice. She agreed it was a tough call. Then I told her that Jon had almost enough Skymiles for one ticket. We were a mere 2,000 miles short. My friend said, “My sister travels all the time. Let me call her and see if she’ll transfer some miles to you.” To make a long story short, after a round of emails my friend’s sister (who I met one time many years ago) had transferred enough miles to us for BOTH tickets. We paid the transfer fee and after all was said and done, we paid $715 for TWO round trip tickets to St. Petersburg.

But wait…the story gets better.

At the end of the week we paid our translator for her WONDERFUL services. Oksana is amazing…we both grew to love her over the week. After we paid her, we realized that we weren’t going to have enough money to pay our driver the next day. We knew when we left that it was going to be close...how much we had in our adoption fund versus how much we would need for the trip. We were short for a few reasons, but we really thought that since this was how much we had, then we would not need any more for the trip. We both figured that God knew how much money we had in our fund and He wouldn't let our need surpass that. Well...it didn't happen that way. We were short. About $400 short. We didn’t really have a choice, so we visited the ATM that night. There’s always the credit card, right? Although I don’t believe it’s God’s plan for us to go into debt to adopt Leanna. It seems like if He has called us to this, then He will also provide everything we need…right? But here we were…$400 short.

Meanwhile, back here in Georgia a few of our friends had been inspired to hold a yard sale and give the proceeds to our adoption fund. That is rather an amazing story in itself. They didn’t plan on having the yard sale for a few more weeks. But it just so happened that everything was ready, so the yard sale happened last Saturday. The very day we handed over $400 that we didn’t really have. Well, I guess it doesn’t take a genius to figure out what happened. Their yard sale raised over $400. $458 to be exact. Isn’t that awesome?!

But wait…the story gets EVEN BETTER!

Jon just finished working on our budget and getting everything input and separating everything we spent last week between adoption related and personal spending. Guess how much we have left in our adoption fund after receiving the check for $458? About $57. And guess how much we need right now to get a bit more paperwork done that Oksana told us about…$58. Once again, we have just what we need!! WOO HOO!!

I hope you will join us today in giving thanks to God…on Thanksgiving Day…how appropriate. He has provided our every need throughout this process. And I’m not just talking about financial need. I know He will continue to provide. He has increased our faith over and over. We have over $16,000 due in January and expect to take our second trip at the end of January or early February. I have no idea where all this money will come from. But I am waiting expectantly and eagerly for Him to show me.

Our Trip to Russia - Part One

Jon and I made it safely home from St. Petersburg on Sunday, November 21st. It was a long two days of travel home (spent 12 hours at the Amsterdam airport…with mice…but that’s a story for another day), and we are so thankful to be back in America. Where it’s okay to be Christian, Baptist homeschoolers. :)

Our trip was good, hard, emotional and exhausting. I think I had built up Leanna’s orphanage in my mind. All this time so many people have told us that Leanna is in ‘the best’, ’nicest’ orphanage in St. Pete. After our first day there, Jon and I said that if this is the best, we don’t want to see any others. The surroundings are…dismal. Old, rundown,dirty. It’s not terrible or anything…just very depressing. The bathrooms reek of urine. I wanted to cry when we walked into Leanna's room but I kept a smile on my face. All this time I've had peace knowing Leanna is in a 'good' place. My peace was erased last week. Leanna needs to come home.
One thing that hit me was that her orphanage is not a home. All this time I've had a completely different picture of orphanage life in my head. Like, I pictured the caregivers and cooks living there with the kids. Doing life with the kids. Loving the kids. Well, duh. They don't. To them it's a job. A place to work. A way to earn money and pay the bills. The orphanage is a business. It's run like a business, not a home. I don't know where I got my false impressions from. Maybe I just created my own little scenario to cope with the reality of this long process. But my glasses aren't rose-colored anymore. Reality has come. And with reality comes such sorrow and sadness. This is Leanna's life. This is how and where she lives. I needed to see this. No more denial for me. Leanna is NOT in a good place.
We got to meet Leanna’s great-grandmother, who took care of Leanna after her mother died when she was one. Two years ago she gave up her rights and put Leanna in the orphanage. She was just too old to take care of Leanna. Meeting Valya (short for Valentina) was one of the most precious experiences of my life. I held back tears that whole afternoon. I was incredibly nervous about meeting her not knowing what kind of reception we would receive. Was she happy Leanna was being adopted by Americans? Was she upset that Leanna would be leaving Russia? The women at Leanna’s orphanage were very concerned about how we would keep up the relationship between Leanna and her great-grandmother. How did Babushka feel about everything? Well, I think I could write a whole book about those few hours spent with Babushka. We arranged for her to be picked up because she didn’t want us to see where and how she lives. When she arrived, her head was pounding and she wasn’t feeling well. She hadn’t left her apartment in months. The orphanage nurse took her blood pressure, which was very high, and gave her something to help. Then Babushka looked at us and just started talking. She has had a hard life. She talked much of war times and her love for Germany. Her two sons live with her (or should I say they live off of her) and she told us almost immediately that she is sorry they are her sons. All they do is smoke and drink and live off of her very low, fixed income. She doesn’t know where or how they get the money for cigarettes and alcohol and I don’t think she wants to know. Babushka was full of class and she made us smile through teary eyes. Her dress was old and dirty and was pinned together with a safety pin. Her sweater was old and dirty and full of holes. If we thought for an instant that she would come home with us, we would bring her in a heartbeat. Jon and I both love Babushka and are concerned for her. Jon told her that she is now part of our family and we want to help her. We learned that Leanna does Babushka’s grocery shopping. We asked who did that for her when Leanna was here last summer. She said one of her sons would shop for her, “only if she gave him extra money to buy cigarettes." We asked our translator if there was any kind of service we could pay for to buy and deliver Babushka’s groceries. There is nothing like that in St. Pete. Babushka repeatedly told us to make sure Leanna writes and calls her…she will miss her so much. She repeatedly told us to make sure Leanna works hard…don’t let her be lazy. She repeatedly told Leanna to show us respect and not to argue with her new brothers and sister. :) I asked her what she wanted for Leanna’s future. She waved her hand and with a chuckle said, “She has her own plans.”

Babushka told us that next week would mark the 2 year anniversary of Leanna going to the orphanage. It was also written on Leanna’s calendar in her room. Tomorrow is the day. Two years ago tomorrow Leanna’s life changed forever. It is obviously a significant date for both of them. And for us, I suppose. It was a hard decision for Babushka to make. She told us that she made sure that Leanna was in the best orphanage possible. Which couldn’t have been easy for her. Babushka obviously loves Leanna very much…I hope I do right by her. I hope she is pleased with how we care for Leanna. At one point she told Jon and I that she believes God exists and shared a little bit about why she believes that. Jon told her that we too believe God exists and shared a little more. As soon as Jon said we believe in God, Babushka smiled and gave us a thumbs up. Oh, I hope I always remember that sweet image. I hope we get to see Babushka again. When it was time for her to go, Jon asked if we could hug her. Babushka said ‘yes’ and then said she was also going to kiss us goodbye…which she did! As she was leaving, she told us that although she can’t see very well (she could only see our outlines) she gets feelings about people. She feels that we are good people and that we will take good care of Leanna. I guess that was the equivalent of receiving her blessing.
Well, I suppose I will close for now. I write this partly so you can share in our experience and partly so that I will remember everything. There is so much to share about our trip so I will do it in parts over the next few days.

Butterflies and Dandelions

(I actually wrote this back in September...thought I'd add more to it, but never did. Must get on to other posts.)

Over the past few months, numerous people have told me I should write a book. My first thought is always, oh how I would LOVE to. Really, I would love to. But what in the world would I write about? I mean, isn't there already a book on every subject you can think of? Does the world really need one more book? Even if I put all my blog posts together, it wouldn't make a book. Not a good one anyway. Not one that makes any sense or that people would want to read.

Last night it hit me. You know what kind of book the world needs? The kind that talks about what adoption is REALLY like. It's not all romantic and dreamy, fancy and fairytale-like, butterflies and dandelions.

You know what it's like?

A roller coaster.

Up.

Down.

All around.

Sometimes it makes you sick to your stomach and you want to throw up.

Sometimes you do.

Other times you want to raise up both arms and shout, "WOOOOO HOOOOO!"

Sometimes you do.

Sometimes you cry in despair.

Other times they are tears of joy.

You never know what the day is going to bring when you wake up each morning.

Or if you'll sleep that night.

Most of the adoption books I've read are all about how to help Leanna when she gets home. She'll be dealing with a lot. I want to be equipped to help her. I want to be able to identify issues as they come up and understand the why's. I am her mom, afterall. I want to do what's best for her.

There are countless books on adoption out there claiming 'everything you need to know about adoption' and 'things you want to know before adopting.' Books like this are full of super and helpful information. I am not saying anything negative about these books. I have read or plan to read at least half of these books. They are necessary in the world of adoption.

You can go to any bookstore and find great books about adoption - domestic adoption, international adoption, adoption from foster care, single parent adoption, open adoption, closed adoption. There are books written for and by adoptees, adopters, birthmoms, infertile couples who choose adoption, mothers, fathers, children. There are books on making the decision to adopt, attachment, bonding, post-traumatic stress syndrome, the process of adopting, even post-adoption depression. There are books about adopting babies, toddlers, elementary age and older children.

Doesn't it seem like all the bases are covered when it comes to adoption?

While I used to agree, I don't anymore.

I recently had a conversation with someone who said something like, "Why don't they tell you about THIS in the adoption books?!"

The roller coaster.

The struggles.

The sleepness nights.

The exhaustion.

The doubts.

The worries.

THE RE-AL-I-TY.

And that's just during the adoption process. Once they're home, it's a whole new world. For some people, yes, it's everything they dreamed it would be. All sunny skies, happy tears of joy, peaceful music playing in the background, everything is wonderful. At least that's what they tell you. That's what they write on their blogs. I do believe though, that it's not that way for everyone. I know a few people who would agree with me. I think I just heard a wave of "Amens." Am I right?

There's an idea rolling around in my head...it seems better and better the more I think about it.

You know what kind of book the world needs? I can think of two.

First, we need an adoption devotional. The only ONE I found is written to adoptees. Wouldn't it be great if there was a devotional written TO people who are adopting BY people who have adopted? Written by people who have been there, done that and bought the T-shirt? Something to sort of carry you through the process? Something to let you know you're not alone in your thoughts? Sometimes our thoughts are confusing. Mine are anyway. Come on. I know I'm not the only one who is thinking these thoughts. I would love to have a collection of devotions written by people who have adopted. I've read many blogs of adoptive parents and found that God used different scriptures to minister to each family. Wouldn't you love to know which scriptures God used and how/why they ministered to each family in a particular way? Well, I would anyway.

Secondly, we need a book that tells it like it really is.

What adoption is LIKE, not like a manual as in first do this, then do that. We don't just need to know the to-do process...we need to know what to expect...from ourselves and from others. Tell us about the emotional roller coaster we will be on. The ups. The downs. Tell us this is normal, that we all go through it. That it's all part of the process and we will survive. Tell us how you got through it. Which scriptures ministered to you and why? What did you learn about yourself and God through the process? What did He teach you? Use what He taught you to teach us.

Not only that, but tell us what it's REALLY like when your child comes home. Tell us about the struggles, the reality of your new family life, so that when our child(ren) comes home and it's not what we thought it would be (or it's exactly what we thought it would be), we will be comforted knowing that others have gone before us and LIVED to tell about it. Tell us we will make it. Remind us it will get better. Tell us how it got better for you. Tell us about your victories and remind us there is HOPE when things are bad.

I guess that could all be included in the devotional...hmmm. My wheels are spinning. Maybe we really just need one book. An all-encompassing adoption devotional.

I would love to put together a collection of realities from all my friends who have adopted. A reality of the process and a reality of life when your child comes home. I would love for people to share something the other adoption books don't talk about. Something that took you by surprise...I wasn't expecting or prepared for many of my thoughts and reactions this past year. I've shared a few of those thoughts here. I'm working on another one now. I just don't know how to say it without being misunderstood.

Anyway, I believe God has planted this little seed in my brain for a reason. He actually just gave me the title of the book not two minutes ago. I'm just not sure about the timing of it all...Leanna is not even home yet. Do I really have any valuable wisdom to share with the adoption world? I guess I'm just putting some feelers out there to see what kind of response I get. Am I the only one who would benefit from a book like this? Would any of my friends involved with adoption be willing to write something for it? Is anyone willing to take off their mask and share their reality...those thoughts you never say out loud because "what would people think"? Or am I the only one with thoughts like that?

Hmmm...I think God is in this. Do you?

Look. Watch. Be AMAZED!

We're getting ready for a road trip and I have a gazillion and one things to do. I really don't have time to sit here and blog. But it hit me smack-dab in the face today as I was cleaning the shower that we are not toiling alone. Many of you are toiling with us to bring Leanna home. In prayer, in fasting and in giving.

Two days ago I gave our latest adoption update. I invited you all to look with us. To watch and to be amazed. I feel since I extended that invitation that I should let you all know what has happened. In two days. The amazement is too much for one family to hold on to.

First of all, I posted on Tuesday. Jon got a call THAT DAY from someone who does not read my blog or read messages on Facebook. This person had NO idea what I had written about. This person called Jon to say, "I will be sending you $5,000 for your adoption fund."

Just. Like. That.

Look.

I also got this message from a friend...

I shared your message with my girls this morning during our scripture/prayer time. They were both very moved and have decided to give ALL their money to you to help bring your precious Leanna home! I was stunned (and didn't ask them to do this or tell them that you wanted money, I told them that we would join you and Jon in praying for a miracle.) We also decided that the leftover amount of money from our garage sale would go to you too. We wanted to use it for someone in need or a charity and never decided who or what. I know it won't be much, but, it should help. Thank you for sharing your journey because you are helping my children and family be blessed by "giving". God is using your need to bless others.

Watch.

I got this message from someone I haven't seen in at least 25 years...

I have made sure to add your and Jon's names to the prayer list. And another fasting/prayer is coming your way. I'm very excited for you. I wish I lived closer to help with the yard sale, but since you're in Georgia, and I'm here, you're stuck without my help.

We received many messages of encouragement and promises of prayer. I have tucked away each message in my memory. You are all so very special to me. I am humbled and honored. More than I can say. Thank you.

We received this email today...

Just a quick note to let you know I will be putting a check in the mail tomorrow. I read your blog yesterday, Amy, and my heart went out to you and Jon!

This morning I remembered that I had $500.00 put back here at home for my "emergency fund". I decided to deposit that in my account to send to you for your fund for Leanna. I realized that it was crazy to have that cash laying around doing nothing, when it can go towards bringing Leanna home! I also had some extra money laying around marked for my next road trip, but wanted to send that to you also. When I went to get the $500.00, I found there was $600.00, not $500.00. I vaguely remembered putting the extra money with the original $500.00, but had forgotten. So when I opened the envelope, I thought, "Wow, God has already started multiplying!" Right before I went to the bank, I remembered I had a container of coins that I have been saving for the last 3 years. When my coin purse starts to get heavy, I dump it in this small container. It doesn't add up too fast, because I use my debit card most of the time, and rarely cash. So I collected the container, and any other loose change I had, and took it to the bank. To my surprise, the coins added up to $151.95! The total of all of that comes to $1136.95, which is what I am making the check out for.

I'm so excited that God is allowing me to be a part of His miracle!

Be AMAZED!

Hi Mom

Where do I even begin? I write this post and this one and think, "Okay...the wrestling is over. NOW I'm ready for Leanna to come home." I wrestle, I struggle, I come through it victorious thinking the battle is over. I've won.

Oh, you've just got to love the journey of adoption. I know you friends who have done it or are in the middle of it are giving me a hearty, "Amen." Am I right?

Our dossier was supposed to be registered in St. Petersburg 2 weeks ago. It wasn't. Something about FedEx not being able to deliver the last of our paperwork in time because the 'business was closed.' Whatever. I'm over it. (Not really.) But that little tidbit, along with more that I'll share now, threw me into a state of confusion. If we had been registered 2 weeks ago, there was still a glimmer of hope that Leanna would be home by Christmas. Now, at the end of September, it will take a miracle, a huge act of God for this 8 month long prayer of mine to be answered. I'm not saying that God can't or won't do it. I'm saying that logically, knowing what I do about this process and Russia, it ain't gonna happen.

But still I hope.

Here's the rest of the story. We haven't done one thing to fundraise since Leanna went back to Russia on August 1. Not. One. Single. Thing. Why? Are we too busy? Lazy? Unmotivated? Changing our minds? Quite the contrary, actually. We are busy, but when it's your child, you prioritize and take care of her first. You do whatever you have to do for your children and THEN you take care of yourself, or the yard, or the bills or whatever else needs doing. We have researched different fundraisers and for one reason or another, either Jon or I have not been comfortable with them. Or they ended up being scams. (And can I just say here, SHAME on those who prey on the emotions of adopting families with promises of successful fundraisers. This is hard enough without you toying with us. Enough said.) Of the 4 or 5 grants that we qualify for, several of them have no funds at this time. We thought about taking out a loan against Jon's 401K. I know some of you are cringing and screaming, "NO! What a horrible idea!" Well, we can't even do it so no need to worry. Did you know you have to meet certain criteria in order to take out a loan against your own 401K? If your house is not in foreclosure or you don't have unpaid medical bills, you can't do it. I'm thankful we're not in those situations. So then we thought, at the very least, there's the credit card. I know. Another bad idea. But when it's your child, you do what you gotta do. So we get a letter in the mail last week saying basically, that since we have all this available credit on the card that we're not using, our limit is being reduced. To $2,000. Not enough for 2 airline tickets to Russia on short notice, let alone 6 tickets (for 3 trips). Oh, and a one-way ticket for Leanna. Needless to say, I was confused.

Why are You closing all these doors, Lord?

How will we raise the money to bring Leanna home?

Is she really coming home?

Have You changed Your mind?

Are You trying to tell me it's not going to happen?

Is she still mine, Lord?

I'm so confused. This doesn't make sense.

There was a heaviness inside my heart. An unrest. What did all this mean? Why weren't any of our plans working out? How in the world will we raise $40,000 if God closes all the fundraising doors? And why is He closing all the doors? I just didn't understand.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:5 - 6

I've been reading Isaiah 58 lately. Among other things, it speaks of fasting. Two Sundays ago our pastor spoke of the discipline of prayer and fasting. It seemed to keep coming up, so Jon and I decided to fast and pray and seek God for answers. Specifically, to the questions above.

In the meantime, Leanna sent me a message wanting to know when we're coming.

Heart. Wrenching. What do I tell her, Lord? Are we coming?

So, last Wednesday, we fasted. And we prayed. We read our Bibles looking for answers. We sought God. We were after Him. What is His plan? What is He doing?

We read things like

"In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps." Proverbs 16:9

Lord, are You detouring us?

"Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails." Proverbs 19:21

What IS Your purpose, Lord?

I was all over the Bible that day. From Old Testament to New and back to Old. Back and forth. Searching. Seeking. Praying.

One of the most helpful things I read was, "Now listen, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money." Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, "If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that." James 4:13 - 15

Okay, from now on I will say "If it is the Lord's will, we will adopt Leanna. If it is the Lord's will, we will raise enough money. If it is the Lord's will, we will bring her home."

If it is not His will, He will just close the door. But why would He have brought us this far just to change His mind...to close the door? It just didn't make sense that He would be closing the door. But what else were we supposed to think when He was closing all the fundraising doors? We can't do it without the money!

I went to bed hungry that night after fasting dinner (Jon had fasted all day). It's hard to sleep when you're hungry. Maybe that's the point. Needless to say, I prayed a lot that night. I still didn't feel the peace I so longingly desired. I did eventually fall asleep. I awoke feeling a bit discouraged that I didn't feel like we had any answers. I sat down with my coffee to read chapter 3 of Radical by David Platt. Our small group is reading it this semester and I like to read it the day of our gathering so it's fresh in my mind. The chapter included a short summary of George Muller. He is best known for the orphan ministry he began. During his life he cared for more than 10,000 orphans. He never asked for money. Do you know what he did instead? He prayed. He trusted God to provide. And God obviously did. That spoke to me. I asked Him if that's what He's asking me to do. Just trust Him to provide. Every single time I have prayed about all the money we still need to accomplish this adoption, Habakkuk 1:5 has come to my mind. This time was no exception. "Look at the nations and watch - and be utterly amazed. For I am going to do something in your days that you would not believe even if you were told." Look. Watch. Be utterly amazed. Whatever He has planned, I wouldn't believe Him if He told me. Okay. I can live with that.

I finished the chapter and turned on my computer. I was greeted by an email from Leanna. Usually when she writes to me, it's in Russian and I have to copy and paste it into the translator. There's usually no salutation or closing...just the message. She usually writes in response to me...something I've asked her about. She doesn't usually just write to tell me something.

Last Thursday she did.

It was all in English.

The first two words stopped my heart and instantly filled my eyes with tears.

"Hi Mom."

She's never called me 'mom'.

"I miss you very much. I'm waiting for you to visit Russia. I love you."

Yep. That was all I needed. Peace was restored. Confusion disappeared. Thank You, Lord!

But...what about the money?

Really, Amy? Do we have to keep going back to that?

Alright then. Let Me show you something.

I went to the garage. Jon's side is filled. The storage room behind the garage is filled. Do you know what it's filled with? Yard sale items. Most of you probably didn't know we're having another yard sale in a few weeks. I haven't sent out one single email to tell people that we're having a yard sale. A few people knew we would, but most people did not. God has filled our garage. God has provided. I would get calls from complete strangers, "So and so told me you might be having a yard sale and I have some things for you." "We have lots of leftover items from a consignment sale. Would you like them?" Some church friends have been bringing things for us on Sundays. One family is downsizing and has brought us load after load.

We can't take any credit for this. We haven't done anything. And yet our garage is filling up. My van officially moved out of the garage on Saturday because we have so much stuff.

Do I think a yard sale is going to raise $40,000?

No.

But on the other hand, why not?

Chapter 4 of Radical talks of God's glory and how He does things to bring glory to Himself.

But I will gain glory for myself through Pharoah and all his army, and the Egyptians will know that I am the Lord. Exodus 14:4

This is what the sovereign Lord says: It is not for your sake that I am going to do these things, but for the sake of my holy name. Ezekiel 36:22

Could it be that the Lord does not want Jon and I to do anything except have a yard sale? I keep praying, "Lord, what do You want me to do? How can I help You raise this money? Just tell me and I'll do it. I'm willing and able, Lord. "

Like He needs my help.

Like any of this depends on me.

When will I learn?

After much prayer and discussion with Jon, I think that God just wants to provide the funds. For His name sake. So that only He can receive the glory for it. So that when people ask, Jon and I will have no choice but to say, "God did this."

It still doesn't make much sense to me. I feel like I should be doing...something. Anything. And yet I know I'm doing what He wants me to be doing. Although I feel like I'm doing nothing. I feel like a wretch whenever someone asks, "So how's the fundraising going? What are you doing?" And my reply can only be, "Um...I'm not doing anything, really."

While writing this post, I got an email from our agency saying our paperwork was registered in St. Petersburg yesterday. They're hopeful we'll travel as soon as October 25. If we do, Leanna could still be home by Christmas.

We invite you to pray with us. We invite you to look, watch and be utterly amazed with us.

"Commit your way to the Lord; trust in Him and He will do this." Psalm 37:5

Aren't you excited to see how He provides? I know I am!

Perhaps He'll even use you to do it!

Video of our Summer with Leanna

More Lessons from Wrestling

If you haven't read my previous post about the wrestling match, you may want to start there. This post is a continuation of the former and will make a whole lot more sense if you read it first.

I've been thinking about glory a lot lately...

Who is this King of Glory? The Lord, strong and mighty, the Lord, mighty in battle! Psalm 24:8

All this time I've been telling myself, "This isn't about me and my wants. It's about Leanna and her needs." I would repeat that to myself over and over and over. Well, I had it completely wrong. This isn't about me or my wants or Leanna or her needs. This, like everything else, is about God and His glory. Glory. Isaiah 43:7 says I was created for His glory. 1 Corinthians 10:31 says, "So whether you eat or drink, or WHATEVER you do, do ALL to the glory of God." Yes. For the glory of God. For Him, I will do this. Not for myself. Not for Leanna. For Him. For His glory. Glory!

I also keep thinking about the rubber band illustration I heard in a sermon once. A rubber band is useless unless it's being stretched. When Leanna went home last January, I began praying that God would be preparing me for her. I believe this wrestling match was huge preparation. He taught me many things, He grew me and stretched me. It was hard and painful, but like Barbara said in my previous post, it was the best thing for me. And the best thing for Leanna. I had better be fully committed to her before she comes home. I can honestly say that I am now. Even more than I was before. I can look at Leanna's picture and smile again instead of feel dread and fear. I can look at pictures from our summer with her and actually laugh about awful things that happened right after the picture was taken. I can't let myself forget that we had many, MANY good moments with Leanna this summer. In fact, we had more good times than bad. By far. But the bad moments were really, really bad. Even so, I can't let them overshadow all the GOOD.

Through this struggle, I kept thinking about Mary. Bless her heart. Here she was, a young woman, probably not much older than Leanna. An angel appears to her and tells her she's going to have God's Son. Mary is engaged, but not officially married and has not yet 'been with' her husband. She asks a logical question, "How can this be?" The angel explains everything to her and Mary's response is, "I am the servant to the Lord. Let it be to me according to your word." Just like that. Let it be. Soon after that Mary goes to visit Elizabeth. I can't help but wonder if Mary dealt with anything like I did. Did she wrestle with this? I mean, once the angel left and Mary had time to think about what she had agreed to, did she panic? Was she overwhelmed? Joseph thought about divorcing her when he learned she was with child. Did she doubt God's plan? Did she ever think, 'How in the world can I mother God Himself?! I can't do it! I'm not strong enough! Especially if Joseph leaves me! I'll be a single mother!' Or was she just young and naive enough to trust that it would all work out somehow? I really have no idea, but after this I do suspect that Mary wrestled, at least a little bit. I think Mary's breakthrough came with Elizabeth's greeting because right after that we come to Mary's song of praise. When I read Luke 1:46 - 55 I hear so many things I never heard before this experience. Joy. Peace. Thankfulness. Freedom. Trust. Exactly the things I felt with my breakthrough.

"My soul glorifies the Lord.

My spirit rejoices in God my Savior.

He has been mindful of the humble state of his servant.

The Mighty One has done great things for me.

Holy is His name.

His mercy extends to those who fear Him.

He has performed mighty deeds with His arm..."

And now I can't help but wonder...what if Mary had said 'no' to the angel? What if she had thought it all through right then and said, 'You know, Gabriel, I really don't think I'm capable of raising God. I'm too young and I'm not even married yet. What will people say? I could get stoned to death! I think I'm gonna pass on this one, but thanks anyway.' All I can say is thank goodness that was not her response!

Another lesson I learned this summer and over the past few weeks was my need to spend time alone with God. Daily. Multiple times a day even. A few days before Leanna went back to Russia, I was feeling very tired. Overwhelmed. Ready to have my life back. During dinner, Jon and the kids made plans to go to the park when everyone finished eating. So while they were all getting ready, I was doing the dishes and cleaning up the kitchen. And I was feeling very resentful. Which clued me in that something was amiss. I usually find joy in serving in my family. It hasn't always been that way, but for the past several years I have found much joy in taking care of my family. My nemesis has always been the laundry. I despise laundry. One way I found joy in doing the laundry was to be thankful. I am SO thankful for my washing machine and dryer. Sometimes I feel very petty complaining about 'all this laundry' when really all I do is fold it. The machines wash it and dry it. I don't have to scrub the clothes or hang them on a line. I just have to start a load, transfer it to the dryer and fold it. And I used to complain about it. Now, when I find myself tempted to complain about laundry, I remind myself how thankful I am for my machines. Thankful that we have all these clothes that need washing. Thankful for the people who wear these clothes that need washing. That usually changes my perspective and my attitude changes from complaining to joyful.

ANYWAY this particular night I was upset that no one even offered to help me clean up the kitchen. The kids each have one day a week when they 'get' to help me in the kitchen. This was one of the days that no one was assigned...usually we all chip in on those nights and get it done quickly. So there I was, doing the dishes, grumbling to myself that the last thing I wanted to do was go to the park with my family...the very family who left ME to take care of kitchen duty by myself. I was feeling very sorry for myself and completely taken for granted. Jon came into the living room to put on his shoes and saw me in the kitchen. "Aren't you coming with us, Honey?" he innocently asked? I replied, rather sarcastically, that I would if I didn't have this messy kitchen to clean up...ALL BY MYSELF! He got the hint. And he was very apologetic. It was getting dark and they really were all in a hurry to get to the park before it was too late. And quite honestly, I didn't want to go so I was cleaning up rather slowly. I wanted to stay home, have the house to myself, and cry. In hindsight that's what I should've done. That little voice in my head was telling me I needed time alone with God. That I should stay home and let Him renew me, refresh me, fill my cup. I was empty. But we only had a few days left with Leanna and I didn't want to miss a single moment with her. So off we all went to the park. Looking back, if I had stayed behind and had that time alone with the Lord, perhaps my last fews days with Leanna wouldn't have been so difficult. I guess I'll never know.

I was lamenting some of this to a good friend of mine and she lovingly reminded me that even Jesus took time alone to spend with the Father. He had great need around Him just about all the time, but He realized the importance of having that quiet time alone with God. Somehow in our busy summer with Leanna I missed that vital step. That key ingredient to joy and contentment. I learned my lesson and will not be repeating that mistake.

I hope.

Wrestling Match

You may as well go get yourself a cup of coffee or sweet tea or diet coke...whatever your drink of choice is...and hunker down. This will be a long post. But also a very honest, straight-from-my-heart one. And a good one, I hope. One worth reading. Maybe even a blessing. Kleenex might be a good idea if you tend to get teary reading heartfelt messages. You've been duly warned.

Have you ever wrestled with a decision? I don't mean quick and easy wrestling matches (if there is such a thing)...I mean really wrestled. Have you ever been told to do something you just down right did not want to do? But you knew you had to anyway...and you argued and fought and cried about it? Well, I have been wrestling like that with God for a few weeks now. I don't know why I bother...it's not like I don't know Who will win. But my heart and mind have been at war with each other since Leanna's last week with us. Flesh vs. Spirit. The reason will likely surprise you. And with the following statement comes the question...will I really publish this post?

I don't want to do this. Adopt Leanna that is.

There. I said it. The awful truth is out. Love me or leave me.

But first, let me explain. Never, not once, have I thought about throwing in the towel and stopping the process to bring Leanna home. I love Leanna. Let me repeat that...I love Leanna. So very much. And I know she is my daughter. I know this is God's will for me and my family. But it has crossed my mind how relieved I would feel if Leanna does not sign the consent for us to adopt her. The process would end right then and there. It has entered my mind that maybe (hopefully?) her great grandmother will not give consent for us to adopt her. Again, that would be the end of it. And in some recesses of my brain, I think I'd be relieved. Off the hook. Now we can get back to life as we knew it.

So, why these thoughts you ask? Why these feelings? Why this attitude? Good questions. That's been part of my turmoil the past few weeks. The long and short of it is that Leanna's last real weekend with us was...how do I put it? Hellish? That sums it up I think. I don't want or need to go into details. If you're Facebook friends with me, you may have seen my post that said something like "I'm wondering about this plan God has for our family. It's been a rough weekend. Prayers are appreciated." Well, that was the 'stupid' weekend, as Leanna would call it. Let's just say that it became painfully obvious how much mothering Leanna needs. She hasn't had a mother since she was 1. And it shows. I realized just how much work I will have to do with her. How much time I will need to invest. How many conversations will need to be had. How much guidance she needs in so many areas. What a HUGE commitment this will be for me. And I was completely overwhelmed with all those realizations. This isn't going to be all hunky-dory-yay-she's-finally-home. Well, maybe the first week will be that way. I sure hope so. But no...this is going to be HARD.

Painful.

Challenging.

Messy.

Ugly.

Emotional.

Exhausting.

Trying.

This is going to be WORK.

And I did not feel up to the task.

At.

All.

Which led to "I don't want to do this, Lord. I am not strong enough for her. I CANNOT DO THIS!" Which led to guilt, shame, tears...turmoil. Daily turmoil. Moment to moment, in my face all the time. Turmoil. I've been confronted with things about myself these past few weeks that I'd really rather not know. Things I'm not quite ready to share. Things I may never be ready to share. And so the wrestling went. Over the past few weeks, my emotions have run high. I thought about giving all my friends a disclaimer saying, "Before you ask me about the summer or the adoption or anything about Leanna, be sure you're ready with Kleenex and an available shoulder to cry on." Seriously. I caught several friends off guard by bursting into tears when they asked me how everything was going. It was that bad. I continually asked the Lord, "Why am I feeling this way? Where did these thoughts come from? I don't want these thoughts! I want to want her. I want to be excited about adopting her. This is a big deal. Why am I so conflicted? HELP ME, GOD!" He wasn't giving me answers. I have Psalm 13 just about memorized at this point...it matches my feelings so well. "How long, O Lord? Will You forget me forever? How long will You hide Your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart? Look on me and answer O Lord my God. Give light to my eyes...But I trust in Your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in Your salvation. I will sing to the Lord for He has been good to me." Has He ever!

So, what WAS my problem? Selfishness? Laziness? Fear? Pride?

Maybe. Could be a combination of all those things.

But I had a breakthrough last week. In a most unsuspecting way. And I came to the conclusion that my problem has been obedience. And trust.

For the past month or so I've been praying for a 14 year old girl who recently had her second liver transplant. She's still in the hospital. She's had complication after complication. I've never actually met her or her family, but we're in the same homeschool group which is how she came to my prayer list. Anyway, her mom has been blogging at www.barbaraking.blogspot.com. I haven't been keeping up with the blog so much because I get updates just about everyday from Facebook. After reading the update the other day, I went to the blog. And I cried my eyes out. Here is an excerpt that cut right to my heart...

"I saw a trust that was beyond words. I saw her eyes pleading, begging and in much pain but I also saw this respect. This heart wrenching trust that if I said she needed to do it, even though it was taking everything out of her, then it must be the best thing for her to do. I saw obedience out of trust. I was almost in awe of the moment. That look on her face I will never forget. Pure trust that was etched in pain, struggle and a trust that is beyond words. I am not sure I have ever obeyed anyone out of pure trust like that when there was pain involved. When I could not see past the moment to the ultimate goal. To feel there is no hope and yet trust in someone else's hope that there will be better days... For the first time I can see why obedience is better than sacrifice. Obedience happens in the midst of the storm, in battle of war, the downward spiral of a crisis and instead of desperation to fix it all by sacrificing ...obedience through it all brings a consistent hope, though we are discouraged we are not beaten down because obedience knows the scripture and has a relationship with the Father that far exceeds the circumstances that we are standing in."

How is that for a WOW?! Obedience. Trust. Obedience out of trust. Obedience is better than sacrifice. Could it be that I brought the turmoil on myself? Because of my DISobedience? Because of my lack of trust? Even though I'm still pressing forward with the adoption, is it really obedience if I'm doing it kicking and screaming? My children would tell you 'no.' I have always told my kids that it is not obedience if they do what I ask but with a grumbly, complaining attitude. That is not obedience. Obedience is done with a willing heart. A joyful attitude. Neither of which I had.

One conclusion I came to is that I want things MY way. Neat, tidy, restful, comfortable, predictable, peaceful and dare I say, easy. That's pretty much how my life has been the past few years. Sure, we have rough days here and there, but they pass. There are two words that come to mind when people ask me how the summer with Leanna was. Stressful and chaotic. Two words I haven't used to describe my family since the twins were two. Jon and I, with the Lord's leadership, have worked very hard to build a family and home where peace reigns. I hope I never forget the time when the kids were 4 and 7, I had a stamping class at home and Jon was out of town. The kids were there the whole time playing, but they were on their own. As my last guest was leaving (probably close to 10 pm), she asked where the kids were. I told her they were in the back playing and she about fell over. She had no idea the kids had been there that whole time because there were no fights. Not one of them came to me even one time to tattle or ask for juice or anything. Remember, it was two 4 year-olds and a 7 year old. They were just happy, playing, content, peaceful kids. And for the most part, that's how life in the Evans family has been for many years. Peaceful. Well, that peace seemed non-existent this summer with Leanna here and I missed it. I craved it. I longed for peace.

But then, I turned it around. Does Leanna long for peace? Does she even know what peace is? Has God brought her to our family because she needs peace so desperately? I don't believe she's ever had any peace in her life...did she experience any while she was here? Oh, how I pray she did. Is she missing it now that she's returned to Russia? Is she longing for it? Craving it?

Anyway, the same day I read Barbara's blog, a friend of mine, whom I haven't seen in months and has no idea that I've been struggling with all of this, sent me an email that included this...a devotional from Rick Warren.

"The battle is not yours; it's Mine. You don't have to fight in it." In other words, it's God's problem. Let him solve it. The fact is if you are God's child, then your problems are his problems. And he's much better at fighting your battles and solving your problems than you will ever be. Your job is to trust him to work it all out. Perhaps the reason we have so many tired, fatigued, and discouraged Christians is because we think, "It all depends on me." The day you resign as General Manager of the Universe, you're going to find that it doesn't fall apart. You can relax in faith, trusting that God is able to run things without your help. "Don't be afraid," and "Don't be discouraged." When you face a seemingly impossible situation, don't be afraid and don't be discouraged. Has God ever lost a battle? No. He doesn't lose battles."

So. My problems are God's problems. Trust Him to work it all out. Trust. Another break through. IT DOES NOT ALL DEPEND ON ME. I was totally taking this on by myself. I DID believe it all depended on me. No wonder I felt so hopeless, helpless, doubtful, fearful and overwhelmed. No wonder I thought, "I cannot do this!" I CAN'T!!! Woo Hoo! There is so much freedom in those words today. I CAN'T DO IT! But I know Who can! I'm NOT strong enough for Leanna! But I know Who is! HALLELUJAH!!! I finally get it, Paul! In 2 Corinthians 12:9 he says, "Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses so that the power of Christ may rest on me." Yes! Exactly! I am WEAK!! I lost the wrestling match and yet I feel completely VICTORIOUS!! Oh, praise the Lord with me! I don't remember the last time I felt so free and unburdened. I'm not even worried about where the money will come from anymore. That is His problem and I know He already has it solved.

Is this still going to be hard? Absolutely! But nothing is too difficult for Him, who made the heavens and earth by His great power and His outstretched arm. Jeremiah 32:17

Is it still going to be painful? Very likely, yes. But I will not be surprised by it. Instead I will rejoice and share in Christ's sufferings so that I may be overjoyed when His glory is revealed. 1 Peter 4:12 & 13

Is it still going to be a challenge? No doubt about it! But I will turn my ear to wisdom and apply my heart to understanding, I will call out for insight and cry aloud for understanding, I will look for it as silver and search for it as hidden treasure, then I will understand and fear the Lord and find the knowledge of God. For the Lord gives wisdom and from His mouth come knowledge and understanding. Proverbs 2:2-6

Is it still going to be messy? Count on it! But isn't that why Jesus came in the first place? To help us clean up our messy lives and our dirty, sinful hearts? For some reason I think He is looking forward to this mess, which makes me look forward to it too. Perhaps He has not been satisfied with my neat & tidy, easy little life.

Will is still get ugly? Probably. But I am looking ahead to the crown of beauty from the ashes.

Will it be emotional? Sure. But I know when I am burdened and weary I can go to Him and He will give me rest. Matthew 11:28

Will it be exhausting? Definitely. But have you not known? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; His understanding is unsearchable. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Isaiah 40:28 & 29.

Will it be trying? Oh yes! But I will consider it pure joy knowing that the testing of my faith produces steadfastness. And by letting steadfastness have its full effect, may I be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. James 1:2-4

This is still going to be WORK.

But it is also going to be incredible.

Joyful.

Rewarding.

Gratifying.

Worthwhile.

Exciting.

Priceless.

Amazing.

Fruitful.

Satisfying.

Significant.

Remarkable.

Powerful.

Extraordinary.

This is a God-thing! It has been from the beginning.

And no matter how I feel, I know that HE is up to the task.

And that's enough for me.