Wrestling Match

You may as well go get yourself a cup of coffee or sweet tea or diet coke...whatever your drink of choice is...and hunker down. This will be a long post. But also a very honest, straight-from-my-heart one. And a good one, I hope. One worth reading. Maybe even a blessing. Kleenex might be a good idea if you tend to get teary reading heartfelt messages. You've been duly warned.

Have you ever wrestled with a decision? I don't mean quick and easy wrestling matches (if there is such a thing)...I mean really wrestled. Have you ever been told to do something you just down right did not want to do? But you knew you had to anyway...and you argued and fought and cried about it? Well, I have been wrestling like that with God for a few weeks now. I don't know why I bother...it's not like I don't know Who will win. But my heart and mind have been at war with each other since Leanna's last week with us. Flesh vs. Spirit. The reason will likely surprise you. And with the following statement comes the question...will I really publish this post?

I don't want to do this. Adopt Leanna that is.

There. I said it. The awful truth is out. Love me or leave me.

But first, let me explain. Never, not once, have I thought about throwing in the towel and stopping the process to bring Leanna home. I love Leanna. Let me repeat that...I love Leanna. So very much. And I know she is my daughter. I know this is God's will for me and my family. But it has crossed my mind how relieved I would feel if Leanna does not sign the consent for us to adopt her. The process would end right then and there. It has entered my mind that maybe (hopefully?) her great grandmother will not give consent for us to adopt her. Again, that would be the end of it. And in some recesses of my brain, I think I'd be relieved. Off the hook. Now we can get back to life as we knew it.

So, why these thoughts you ask? Why these feelings? Why this attitude? Good questions. That's been part of my turmoil the past few weeks. The long and short of it is that Leanna's last real weekend with us was...how do I put it? Hellish? That sums it up I think. I don't want or need to go into details. If you're Facebook friends with me, you may have seen my post that said something like "I'm wondering about this plan God has for our family. It's been a rough weekend. Prayers are appreciated." Well, that was the 'stupid' weekend, as Leanna would call it. Let's just say that it became painfully obvious how much mothering Leanna needs. She hasn't had a mother since she was 1. And it shows. I realized just how much work I will have to do with her. How much time I will need to invest. How many conversations will need to be had. How much guidance she needs in so many areas. What a HUGE commitment this will be for me. And I was completely overwhelmed with all those realizations. This isn't going to be all hunky-dory-yay-she's-finally-home. Well, maybe the first week will be that way. I sure hope so. But no...this is going to be HARD.

Painful.

Challenging.

Messy.

Ugly.

Emotional.

Exhausting.

Trying.

This is going to be WORK.

And I did not feel up to the task.

At.

All.

Which led to "I don't want to do this, Lord. I am not strong enough for her. I CANNOT DO THIS!" Which led to guilt, shame, tears...turmoil. Daily turmoil. Moment to moment, in my face all the time. Turmoil. I've been confronted with things about myself these past few weeks that I'd really rather not know. Things I'm not quite ready to share. Things I may never be ready to share. And so the wrestling went. Over the past few weeks, my emotions have run high. I thought about giving all my friends a disclaimer saying, "Before you ask me about the summer or the adoption or anything about Leanna, be sure you're ready with Kleenex and an available shoulder to cry on." Seriously. I caught several friends off guard by bursting into tears when they asked me how everything was going. It was that bad. I continually asked the Lord, "Why am I feeling this way? Where did these thoughts come from? I don't want these thoughts! I want to want her. I want to be excited about adopting her. This is a big deal. Why am I so conflicted? HELP ME, GOD!" He wasn't giving me answers. I have Psalm 13 just about memorized at this point...it matches my feelings so well. "How long, O Lord? Will You forget me forever? How long will You hide Your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart? Look on me and answer O Lord my God. Give light to my eyes...But I trust in Your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in Your salvation. I will sing to the Lord for He has been good to me." Has He ever!

So, what WAS my problem? Selfishness? Laziness? Fear? Pride?

Maybe. Could be a combination of all those things.

But I had a breakthrough last week. In a most unsuspecting way. And I came to the conclusion that my problem has been obedience. And trust.

For the past month or so I've been praying for a 14 year old girl who recently had her second liver transplant. She's still in the hospital. She's had complication after complication. I've never actually met her or her family, but we're in the same homeschool group which is how she came to my prayer list. Anyway, her mom has been blogging at www.barbaraking.blogspot.com. I haven't been keeping up with the blog so much because I get updates just about everyday from Facebook. After reading the update the other day, I went to the blog. And I cried my eyes out. Here is an excerpt that cut right to my heart...

"I saw a trust that was beyond words. I saw her eyes pleading, begging and in much pain but I also saw this respect. This heart wrenching trust that if I said she needed to do it, even though it was taking everything out of her, then it must be the best thing for her to do. I saw obedience out of trust. I was almost in awe of the moment. That look on her face I will never forget. Pure trust that was etched in pain, struggle and a trust that is beyond words. I am not sure I have ever obeyed anyone out of pure trust like that when there was pain involved. When I could not see past the moment to the ultimate goal. To feel there is no hope and yet trust in someone else's hope that there will be better days... For the first time I can see why obedience is better than sacrifice. Obedience happens in the midst of the storm, in battle of war, the downward spiral of a crisis and instead of desperation to fix it all by sacrificing ...obedience through it all brings a consistent hope, though we are discouraged we are not beaten down because obedience knows the scripture and has a relationship with the Father that far exceeds the circumstances that we are standing in."

How is that for a WOW?! Obedience. Trust. Obedience out of trust. Obedience is better than sacrifice. Could it be that I brought the turmoil on myself? Because of my DISobedience? Because of my lack of trust? Even though I'm still pressing forward with the adoption, is it really obedience if I'm doing it kicking and screaming? My children would tell you 'no.' I have always told my kids that it is not obedience if they do what I ask but with a grumbly, complaining attitude. That is not obedience. Obedience is done with a willing heart. A joyful attitude. Neither of which I had.

One conclusion I came to is that I want things MY way. Neat, tidy, restful, comfortable, predictable, peaceful and dare I say, easy. That's pretty much how my life has been the past few years. Sure, we have rough days here and there, but they pass. There are two words that come to mind when people ask me how the summer with Leanna was. Stressful and chaotic. Two words I haven't used to describe my family since the twins were two. Jon and I, with the Lord's leadership, have worked very hard to build a family and home where peace reigns. I hope I never forget the time when the kids were 4 and 7, I had a stamping class at home and Jon was out of town. The kids were there the whole time playing, but they were on their own. As my last guest was leaving (probably close to 10 pm), she asked where the kids were. I told her they were in the back playing and she about fell over. She had no idea the kids had been there that whole time because there were no fights. Not one of them came to me even one time to tattle or ask for juice or anything. Remember, it was two 4 year-olds and a 7 year old. They were just happy, playing, content, peaceful kids. And for the most part, that's how life in the Evans family has been for many years. Peaceful. Well, that peace seemed non-existent this summer with Leanna here and I missed it. I craved it. I longed for peace.

But then, I turned it around. Does Leanna long for peace? Does she even know what peace is? Has God brought her to our family because she needs peace so desperately? I don't believe she's ever had any peace in her life...did she experience any while she was here? Oh, how I pray she did. Is she missing it now that she's returned to Russia? Is she longing for it? Craving it?

Anyway, the same day I read Barbara's blog, a friend of mine, whom I haven't seen in months and has no idea that I've been struggling with all of this, sent me an email that included this...a devotional from Rick Warren.

"The battle is not yours; it's Mine. You don't have to fight in it." In other words, it's God's problem. Let him solve it. The fact is if you are God's child, then your problems are his problems. And he's much better at fighting your battles and solving your problems than you will ever be. Your job is to trust him to work it all out. Perhaps the reason we have so many tired, fatigued, and discouraged Christians is because we think, "It all depends on me." The day you resign as General Manager of the Universe, you're going to find that it doesn't fall apart. You can relax in faith, trusting that God is able to run things without your help. "Don't be afraid," and "Don't be discouraged." When you face a seemingly impossible situation, don't be afraid and don't be discouraged. Has God ever lost a battle? No. He doesn't lose battles."

So. My problems are God's problems. Trust Him to work it all out. Trust. Another break through. IT DOES NOT ALL DEPEND ON ME. I was totally taking this on by myself. I DID believe it all depended on me. No wonder I felt so hopeless, helpless, doubtful, fearful and overwhelmed. No wonder I thought, "I cannot do this!" I CAN'T!!! Woo Hoo! There is so much freedom in those words today. I CAN'T DO IT! But I know Who can! I'm NOT strong enough for Leanna! But I know Who is! HALLELUJAH!!! I finally get it, Paul! In 2 Corinthians 12:9 he says, "Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses so that the power of Christ may rest on me." Yes! Exactly! I am WEAK!! I lost the wrestling match and yet I feel completely VICTORIOUS!! Oh, praise the Lord with me! I don't remember the last time I felt so free and unburdened. I'm not even worried about where the money will come from anymore. That is His problem and I know He already has it solved.

Is this still going to be hard? Absolutely! But nothing is too difficult for Him, who made the heavens and earth by His great power and His outstretched arm. Jeremiah 32:17

Is it still going to be painful? Very likely, yes. But I will not be surprised by it. Instead I will rejoice and share in Christ's sufferings so that I may be overjoyed when His glory is revealed. 1 Peter 4:12 & 13

Is it still going to be a challenge? No doubt about it! But I will turn my ear to wisdom and apply my heart to understanding, I will call out for insight and cry aloud for understanding, I will look for it as silver and search for it as hidden treasure, then I will understand and fear the Lord and find the knowledge of God. For the Lord gives wisdom and from His mouth come knowledge and understanding. Proverbs 2:2-6

Is it still going to be messy? Count on it! But isn't that why Jesus came in the first place? To help us clean up our messy lives and our dirty, sinful hearts? For some reason I think He is looking forward to this mess, which makes me look forward to it too. Perhaps He has not been satisfied with my neat & tidy, easy little life.

Will is still get ugly? Probably. But I am looking ahead to the crown of beauty from the ashes.

Will it be emotional? Sure. But I know when I am burdened and weary I can go to Him and He will give me rest. Matthew 11:28

Will it be exhausting? Definitely. But have you not known? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; His understanding is unsearchable. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Isaiah 40:28 & 29.

Will it be trying? Oh yes! But I will consider it pure joy knowing that the testing of my faith produces steadfastness. And by letting steadfastness have its full effect, may I be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. James 1:2-4

This is still going to be WORK.

But it is also going to be incredible.

Joyful.

Rewarding.

Gratifying.

Worthwhile.

Exciting.

Priceless.

Amazing.

Fruitful.

Satisfying.

Significant.

Remarkable.

Powerful.

Extraordinary.

This is a God-thing! It has been from the beginning.

And no matter how I feel, I know that HE is up to the task.

And that's enough for me.