If you haven't read my previous post about the wrestling match, you may want to start there. This post is a continuation of the former and will make a whole lot more sense if you read it first.
I've been thinking about glory a lot lately...
Who is this King of Glory? The Lord, strong and mighty, the Lord, mighty in battle! Psalm 24:8
All this time I've been telling myself, "This isn't about me and my wants. It's about Leanna and her needs." I would repeat that to myself over and over and over. Well, I had it completely wrong. This isn't about me or my wants or Leanna or her needs. This, like everything else, is about God and His glory. Glory. Isaiah 43:7 says I was created for His glory. 1 Corinthians 10:31 says, "So whether you eat or drink, or WHATEVER you do, do ALL to the glory of God." Yes. For the glory of God. For Him, I will do this. Not for myself. Not for Leanna. For Him. For His glory. Glory!
I also keep thinking about the rubber band illustration I heard in a sermon once. A rubber band is useless unless it's being stretched. When Leanna went home last January, I began praying that God would be preparing me for her. I believe this wrestling match was huge preparation. He taught me many things, He grew me and stretched me. It was hard and painful, but like Barbara said in my previous post, it was the best thing for me. And the best thing for Leanna. I had better be fully committed to her before she comes home. I can honestly say that I am now. Even more than I was before. I can look at Leanna's picture and smile again instead of feel dread and fear. I can look at pictures from our summer with her and actually laugh about awful things that happened right after the picture was taken. I can't let myself forget that we had many, MANY good moments with Leanna this summer. In fact, we had more good times than bad. By far. But the bad moments were really, really bad. Even so, I can't let them overshadow all the GOOD.
Through this struggle, I kept thinking about Mary. Bless her heart. Here she was, a young woman, probably not much older than Leanna. An angel appears to her and tells her she's going to have God's Son. Mary is engaged, but not officially married and has not yet 'been with' her husband. She asks a logical question, "How can this be?" The angel explains everything to her and Mary's response is, "I am the servant to the Lord. Let it be to me according to your word." Just like that. Let it be. Soon after that Mary goes to visit Elizabeth. I can't help but wonder if Mary dealt with anything like I did. Did she wrestle with this? I mean, once the angel left and Mary had time to think about what she had agreed to, did she panic? Was she overwhelmed? Joseph thought about divorcing her when he learned she was with child. Did she doubt God's plan? Did she ever think, 'How in the world can I mother God Himself?! I can't do it! I'm not strong enough! Especially if Joseph leaves me! I'll be a single mother!' Or was she just young and naive enough to trust that it would all work out somehow? I really have no idea, but after this I do suspect that Mary wrestled, at least a little bit. I think Mary's breakthrough came with Elizabeth's greeting because right after that we come to Mary's song of praise. When I read Luke 1:46 - 55 I hear so many things I never heard before this experience. Joy. Peace. Thankfulness. Freedom. Trust. Exactly the things I felt with my breakthrough.
"My soul glorifies the Lord.
My spirit rejoices in God my Savior.
He has been mindful of the humble state of his servant.
The Mighty One has done great things for me.
Holy is His name.
His mercy extends to those who fear Him.
He has performed mighty deeds with His arm..."
And now I can't help but wonder...what if Mary had said 'no' to the angel? What if she had thought it all through right then and said, 'You know, Gabriel, I really don't think I'm capable of raising God. I'm too young and I'm not even married yet. What will people say? I could get stoned to death! I think I'm gonna pass on this one, but thanks anyway.' All I can say is thank goodness that was not her response!
Another lesson I learned this summer and over the past few weeks was my need to spend time alone with God. Daily. Multiple times a day even. A few days before Leanna went back to Russia, I was feeling very tired. Overwhelmed. Ready to have my life back. During dinner, Jon and the kids made plans to go to the park when everyone finished eating. So while they were all getting ready, I was doing the dishes and cleaning up the kitchen. And I was feeling very resentful. Which clued me in that something was amiss. I usually find joy in serving in my family. It hasn't always been that way, but for the past several years I have found much joy in taking care of my family. My nemesis has always been the laundry. I despise laundry. One way I found joy in doing the laundry was to be thankful. I am SO thankful for my washing machine and dryer. Sometimes I feel very petty complaining about 'all this laundry' when really all I do is fold it. The machines wash it and dry it. I don't have to scrub the clothes or hang them on a line. I just have to start a load, transfer it to the dryer and fold it. And I used to complain about it. Now, when I find myself tempted to complain about laundry, I remind myself how thankful I am for my machines. Thankful that we have all these clothes that need washing. Thankful for the people who wear these clothes that need washing. That usually changes my perspective and my attitude changes from complaining to joyful.
ANYWAY this particular night I was upset that no one even offered to help me clean up the kitchen. The kids each have one day a week when they 'get' to help me in the kitchen. This was one of the days that no one was assigned...usually we all chip in on those nights and get it done quickly. So there I was, doing the dishes, grumbling to myself that the last thing I wanted to do was go to the park with my family...the very family who left ME to take care of kitchen duty by myself. I was feeling very sorry for myself and completely taken for granted. Jon came into the living room to put on his shoes and saw me in the kitchen. "Aren't you coming with us, Honey?" he innocently asked? I replied, rather sarcastically, that I would if I didn't have this messy kitchen to clean up...ALL BY MYSELF! He got the hint. And he was very apologetic. It was getting dark and they really were all in a hurry to get to the park before it was too late. And quite honestly, I didn't want to go so I was cleaning up rather slowly. I wanted to stay home, have the house to myself, and cry. In hindsight that's what I should've done. That little voice in my head was telling me I needed time alone with God. That I should stay home and let Him renew me, refresh me, fill my cup. I was empty. But we only had a few days left with Leanna and I didn't want to miss a single moment with her. So off we all went to the park. Looking back, if I had stayed behind and had that time alone with the Lord, perhaps my last fews days with Leanna wouldn't have been so difficult. I guess I'll never know.
I was lamenting some of this to a good friend of mine and she lovingly reminded me that even Jesus took time alone to spend with the Father. He had great need around Him just about all the time, but He realized the importance of having that quiet time alone with God. Somehow in our busy summer with Leanna I missed that vital step. That key ingredient to joy and contentment. I learned my lesson and will not be repeating that mistake.
I hope.
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