Oh, you've just got to love the journey of adoption. I know you friends who have done it or are in the middle of it are giving me a hearty, "Amen." Am I right?
Our dossier was supposed to be registered in St. Petersburg 2 weeks ago. It wasn't. Something about FedEx not being able to deliver the last of our paperwork in time because the 'business was closed.' Whatever. I'm over it. (Not really.) But that little tidbit, along with more that I'll share now, threw me into a state of confusion. If we had been registered 2 weeks ago, there was still a glimmer of hope that Leanna would be home by Christmas. Now, at the end of September, it will take a miracle, a huge act of God for this 8 month long prayer of mine to be answered. I'm not saying that God can't or won't do it. I'm saying that logically, knowing what I do about this process and Russia, it ain't gonna happen.
But still I hope.
Here's the rest of the story. We haven't done one thing to fundraise since Leanna went back to Russia on August 1. Not. One. Single. Thing. Why? Are we too busy? Lazy? Unmotivated? Changing our minds? Quite the contrary, actually. We are busy, but when it's your child, you prioritize and take care of her first. You do whatever you have to do for your children and THEN you take care of yourself, or the yard, or the bills or whatever else needs doing. We have researched different fundraisers and for one reason or another, either Jon or I have not been comfortable with them. Or they ended up being scams. (And can I just say here, SHAME on those who prey on the emotions of adopting families with promises of successful fundraisers. This is hard enough without you toying with us. Enough said.) Of the 4 or 5 grants that we qualify for, several of them have no funds at this time. We thought about taking out a loan against Jon's 401K. I know some of you are cringing and screaming, "NO! What a horrible idea!" Well, we can't even do it so no need to worry. Did you know you have to meet certain criteria in order to take out a loan against your own 401K? If your house is not in foreclosure or you don't have unpaid medical bills, you can't do it. I'm thankful we're not in those situations. So then we thought, at the very least, there's the credit card. I know. Another bad idea. But when it's your child, you do what you gotta do. So we get a letter in the mail last week saying basically, that since we have all this available credit on the card that we're not using, our limit is being reduced. To $2,000. Not enough for 2 airline tickets to Russia on short notice, let alone 6 tickets (for 3 trips). Oh, and a one-way ticket for Leanna. Needless to say, I was confused.
Why are You closing all these doors, Lord?
How will we raise the money to bring Leanna home?
Is she really coming home?
Have You changed Your mind?
Are You trying to tell me it's not going to happen?
Is she still mine, Lord?
I'm so confused. This doesn't make sense.
There was a heaviness inside my heart. An unrest. What did all this mean? Why weren't any of our plans working out? How in the world will we raise $40,000 if God closes all the fundraising doors? And why is He closing all the doors? I just didn't understand.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:5 - 6
I've been reading Isaiah 58 lately. Among other things, it speaks of fasting. Two Sundays ago our pastor spoke of the discipline of prayer and fasting. It seemed to keep coming up, so Jon and I decided to fast and pray and seek God for answers. Specifically, to the questions above.
In the meantime, Leanna sent me a message wanting to know when we're coming.
Heart. Wrenching. What do I tell her, Lord? Are we coming?
So, last Wednesday, we fasted. And we 
prayed. We read our Bibles looking for answers. We sought God. We were after Him. What is His plan? What is He doing?
prayed. We read our Bibles looking for answers. We sought God. We were after Him. What is His plan? What is He doing?We read things like
"In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps." Proverbs 16:9
Lord, are You detouring us?
What IS Your purpose, Lord?
I was all over the Bible that day. From Old Testament to New and back to Old. Back and forth. Searching. Seeking. Praying.
One of the most helpful things I read was, "Now listen, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money." Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, "If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that." James 4:13 - 15
Okay, from now on I will say "If it is the Lord's will, we will adopt Leanna. If it is the Lord's will, we will raise enough money. If it is the Lord's will, we will bring her home."
If it is not His will, He will just close the door. But why would He have brought us this far just to change His mind...to close the door? It just didn't make sense that He would be closing the door. But what else were we supposed to think when He was closing all the fundraising doors? We can't do it without the money!
I went to bed hungry that night after fasting dinner (Jon had fasted all day). It's hard to sleep when you're hungry. Maybe that's the point. Needless to say, I prayed a lot that night. I still didn't feel the peace I so longingly desired. I did eventually fall asleep. I awoke feeling a bit discouraged that I didn't feel like we had any answers. I sat down with my coffee to read chapter 3 of Radical by David Platt. Our small group is reading it this semester and I like to read it the day of our gathering so it's fresh in my mind. The chapter included a short summary of George Muller. He is best known for the orphan ministry he began. During his life he cared for more than 10,000 orphans. He never asked for money. Do you know what he did instead? He prayed. He trusted God to provide. And God obviously did. That spoke to me. I asked Him if that's what He's asking me to do. Just trust Him to provide. Every single time I have prayed about all the money we still need to accomplish this adoption, Habakkuk 1:5 has come to my mind. This time was no exception. "Look at the nations and watch - and be utterly amazed. For I am going to do something in your days that you would not believe even if you were told." Look. Watch. Be utterly amazed. Whatever He has planned, I wouldn't believe Him if He told me. Okay. I can live with that.
I finished the chapter and turned on my computer. I was greeted by an email from Leanna. Usually when she writes to me, it's in Russian and I have to copy and paste it into the translator. There's usually no salutation or closing...just the message. She usually writes in response to me...something I've asked her about. She doesn't usually just write to tell me something.
Last Thursday she did.
It was all in English.
The first two words stopped my heart and instantly filled my eyes with tears.
"Hi Mom."
She's never called me 'mom'.
"I miss you very much. I'm waiting for you to visit Russia. I love you."
Yep. That was all I needed. Peace was restored. Confusion disappeared. Thank You, Lord!
But...what about the money?
Really, Amy? Do we have to keep going back to that?
Alright then. Let Me show you something.
I went to the garage. Jon's side is filled. The storage room behind the garage is filled. Do you know what it's filled with? Yard sale items. Most of you probably didn't know we're having another yard sale in a few weeks. I haven't sent out one single email to tell people that we're having a yard sale. A few people knew we would, but most people did not. God has filled our garage. God has provided. I would get calls from complete strangers, "So and so told me you might be having a yard sale and I have some things for you." "We have lots of leftover items from a consignment sale. Would you like them?" Some church friends have been bringing things for us on Sundays. One family is downsizing and has brought us load after load.
We can't take any credit for this. We haven't done anything. And yet our garage is filling up. My van officially moved out of the garage on Saturday because we have so much stuff.
Do I think a yard sale is going to raise $40,000?
No.
But on the other hand, why not?
Chapter 4 of Radical talks of God's glory and how He does things to bring glory to Himself.
But I will gain glory for myself through Pharoah and all his army, and the Egyptians will know that I am the Lord. Exodus 14:4
This is what the sovereign Lord says: It is not for your sake that I am going to do these things, but for the sake of my holy name. Ezekiel 36:22
Could it be that the Lord does not want Jon and I to do anything except have a yard sale? I keep praying, "Lord, what do You want me to do? How can I help You raise this money? Just tell me and I'll do it. I'm willing and able, Lord. "
Like He needs my help.
Like any of this depends on me.
When will I learn?
After much prayer and discussion with Jon, I think that God just wants to provide the funds. For His name sake. So that only He can receive the glory for it. So that when people ask, Jon and I will have no choice but to say, "God did this."
It still doesn't make much sense to me. I feel like I should be doing...something. Anything. And yet I know I'm doing what He wants me to be doing. Although I feel like I'm doing nothing. I feel like a wretch whenever someone asks, "So how's the fundraising going? What are you doing?" And my reply can only be, "Um...I'm not doing anything, really."
While writing this post, I got an email from our agency saying our paperwork was registered in St. Petersburg yesterday. They're hopeful we'll travel as soon as October 25. If we do, Leanna could still be home by Christmas.
We invite you to pray with us. We invite you to look, watch and be utterly amazed with us.
"Commit your way to the Lord; trust in Him and He will do this." Psalm 37:5
Aren't you excited to see how He provides? I know I am!
Perhaps He'll even use you to do it!
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