Jonah

I didn't think I was going to write this. I was supposed to write something completely different. But here I am. Erasing the post I had in my head and replacing it with this. The story I had written is not the one God is writing.

If you're Facebook friends with me, you probably know about Jonah already. He's an orphan in Eastern Europe. He's in Vera' country. I learned about him after we committed to Vera. He desperately needs a family. I've read all about the place he will likely go when he's transferred, and just the thought of him there makes me weep. He doesn't belong there. No one belongs there.

I first learned about Jonah on March 1 and began plastering his darling picture on Facebook just about every day. There are a few people who love Jonah like I do and have been advocating for him. Several families have been interested in adopting him, but for various reasons, no one could commit to him. I even thought about us adopting him, but was advised not to by several people for several reasons. The main reason is that Jonah and Vera are in different regions. This means that if we were to adopt them both at the same time it would mean double everything - two dossiers, two court dates in two different regions, double money, double time in-country. Very difficult. Very expensive. Very time consuming.

So, I put it out of my mind. God surely must have a different family for Jonah. Right? Well, then where are they?! Surely it's not God's will for Jonah to take this car ride and do nothing all day, every day. For a few days, I just continued to pray for Jonah's safety and that someone would commit to him SOON. I checked the Reece's Rainbow website every night before bed hoping to see Jonah in the My Family Found Me section. Every night I went to bed praying that someone would find him tomorrow. I would watch him in this video and smile through tears. Surely his family is out there. What a little treasure he is.

And then I had the strangest thought. What if we ARE supposed to adopt Jonah with Vera? At first, I would dismiss the thought as soon as it came to mind. But it just kept coming, so I stopped to really consider it. I've always known we would adopt more than one. We're approved for two. Although when I would bring up the possibility to Jon he would say, "Just one for now, Amy." I told him that if I'm going to start school all over with Vera, it would be MUCH more fun if we had two to start over with. "Just one for now, Honey." He would say it with a smile.

Meanwhile, the thought of adopting Jonah just seemed to make sense to me. The more I prayed about it, the more peace I felt. Except for one thing. Location. I looked at a map and discovered that Jonah and Vera, while in different regions, really aren't that far away from each other. So, I asked a few people about the possibility of one of the children getting moved so that we could adopt them together. I was told the same thing by each person that I asked. "It's impossible." I must admit, this ruffled my feathers a bit and under my breath I said something like, "Pshh...impossible. Watch what God can do with 'impossible'!" And I began praying that if it was God's will for us to adopt them both that He would do the impossible and get them in the same region. I didn't tell Jon I was praying this way. Actually, I only told two people. Two people who I know love Jonah and would pray with me.

That was about the time I quit posting about Jonah on Facebook because, "What if someone saw him and committed to him before we could?" We found Vera through Facebook, so I knew the possibility was real. This was also when I began posting the following scripture on Facebook. If you were wondering about that, now you know the reason.

‎"Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.”

Matthew 17:20

I will go before you

and will level the mountains;

I will break down gates of bronze

and cut through bars of iron.

I will give you hidden treasures,

riches stored in secret places,

so that you may know that I am the LORD,

the God of Israel, who summons you by name.

Isaiah 45:2-3

Jesus replied, “Truly I tell you, if you have faith and do not doubt, you can say to this mountain, ‘Go, throw yourself into the sea,’ and it will be done. If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer.”

Matthew 21:21 - 22

Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this is impossible, but not with God; all things are possible with God."

Mark 10:27

“Have faith in God,” Jesus answered. “Truly I tell you, if anyone says to this mountain, ‘Go, throw yourself into the sea,’ and does not doubt in their heart but believes that what they say will happen, it will be done for them. Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours."

Mark 11:22 - 24

I believed God was going to do it. I really believed God was going to do the impossible and move one of them so they were in the same region. Then someone emailed me. Someone who was in Vera's country adopting from her orphanage. The same person who sent me the priceless video of Vera. She told me that Vera was all set to be transferred and the facilitator wanted to know how our dossier was coming. I asked her if she knew where Vera would be transferred to, and all she knew was that it would be to a different region because all the facilities in Vera's region were full. Can you imagine my reaction? Here I was praying and believing that God was going to move one of them and I get the news that Vera will likely be transferred very soon. Although I did worry about her being transferred, I was also very peaceful knowing that God was going to answer my prayer and move Vera to Jonah's region. They were both coming home together. That was when I told Jon about my secret prayers. After hearing the whole story, he agreed that if they ended up in the same region, we would pray about it. Well, I already believed it was going to happen. In my mind it was settled. We were bringing Vera and Jonah home together. I would have to stop myself in conversations. I would catch myself wanting to say, "When we bring the kids home..." Jon and I talked about a stroller for Vera one night and I didn't have the heart to tell him that we needed a double stroller.

Our dossier arrived in Vera's country on Monday. We're scheduled to be submitted next Thursday. I knew that if we were going to get Vera and Jonah at the same time, we needed to find something out soon as a few of our documents would need to change. I emailed our stateside helper Tuesday to find out if Vera and/or Jonah have been moved. I got the news yesterday. They are both safe in their baby homes. Neither one has been transferred. God didn't do it. Could He have? Yes, I am certain God could have done the impossible. But He didn't. Stubborn as I am, that was the not the end of it for me. I emailed our stateside helper back with all sorts of questions. What if this? What about that? None of her answers were what I wanted to hear. I was confused and sad and surprised. I believed so firmly that God was going to do this. But all the while, my prayer was, "If it is Your will, please get them in the same region."

Apparently it is not His will. So all morning I prayed and cried and cried and prayed. I kept asking, "How can I glorify You in this?" I had a completely different post written in my head to announce Jonah into our family. It was going to be a lovely God-story full of praise and awesomeness and glory. What was I supposed to write now? How could He be glorified in this? I took my Bible and devotion book out onto the deck and sat down with a heavy heart. I had one question. "Why, Lord? I don't understand." Though my heart wasn't in it, I opened my devotion book to yesterday's date. I was supposed to read John 13:3-20. I got to verse 7 and the tears came again.

Jesus replied, "You do not realize now what I'm doing, but later you will understand."

And I knew. There was still one question that had not been answered by our stateside helper. There was still a faint glimmer of hope that I clung to. But with these words, I knew. It is not going to happen. And I cried. I grieved. I've lost another child. It's funny how your heart works. How you can love someone so much that you've never even met. I do love Jonah like he's mine. I feel like I did after my miscarriages with one difference. This time the child is not in a better place, safe in Heaven. This time I know what the child looks like. This time the child is out there waiting for a mommy and daddy to come get him. I so wanted to be Jonah's mommy. I had mentally moved all of our Thomas trains and track from under Caleb's bed to under Jonah's bed. I could picture him playing and having so much fun with the trains. Don't you just long to see a train in each of his hands and a smile on his face? I could picture Jonah and Vera playing in the tub. I could picture him at the kitchen table sitting in between Vera and Caleb drinking his milk. I saw him on Jacob's lap reading a book together. I saw him using Toby as a pillow on the floor as we watch Veggie Tales together and eat popcorn. I saw him delight in chasing Phoebe around the house trying to pull her tail and poke her eyes. I saw him in the pool with Abbi wearing cute little floaties.

Loss.

Grief.

How do I praise God through this? I went back and read this post that I wrote last year. It was comforting in a strange way to remember that the past 15 months have been full of grief and loss. God has brought us through all of it. Our faith has increased by leaps and bounds. Things seem to go one way and we think we know what's going to happen and then God throws us a curve ball that we never saw coming. We've learned to trust Him so much more. His plans are bigger and better than anything we can dream up. I remembered a post written by Beth Moore that meant so much to me not long ago. John 13:7 inspired me to look it up again. You can read the whole post here, and I know you will be blessed if you do. But here's the meat of it. (I know this is a long post, but I really didn't want to split it up into two. Please keep reading...good stuff.)

"Often I try to help God out with ideas. “Why don’t You do it this way?” Or, “why don’t You do so and so with so and so?”

I’m forever giving God workable suggestions about how He could – sometimes, if I may be so bold, should – handle something. Or someone.

Anybody else?

Don’t you know there are times He wants to say to us right out loud in our stubborn hearing, “Child, THAT’S NOT WHAT I’M DOING.”

Often, we just don’t know what God is doing. So often we think we do but, the truth is, we just don’t. Thankfully, He does. He really does. He doesn’t need our help. Our brilliant ideas. Or our last ditch efforts because He ignored our first ten suggestions. He just wants our cooperation.

He is constructing something beyond our human rationale. He knows in advance every piece – past, present, and future – that will be required for the finished work. He has all the patience in the universe to put it together. We see one little part and one little moment. He, the One who is, who was, and is to come, sees beyond the singular piece to every generation and condition He means to effect. Meanwhile, He works all things together for good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. The one thing may not be good at all by itself. In fact, it may be horrendous. Criminal. It’s when He weaves it with all that comes before it and all that will come around and behind it that something good, something beneficial, emerges.

Never let Romans 8:28 become so familiar that you subconsciously fold it into your spiritual fairy tale file. It is as true today as it was the moment the Apostle dripped the letters on the parchment. Don’t blow them dry.

Maybe it’s not that God isn’t listening. Maybe it’s just that what we keep suggesting is not exactly what He’s doing. And, if that’s so, what He’s doing can only be better and more effectual than what we think we’d do in His place.

John 13:7 says something that keeps ringing in my ears.

Jesus replied, “You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand.”

Later.

LATER.

L.A.T.E.R.

We WILL understand."

I'm brought to tears again rereading the above. Not my will, but God's. Not my plans, but His.

Proverbs 16:9 says, "In their hearts, humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps."

So, how can I praise God in this? How can I bring Him glory in my suffering? By continuing to trust Him and His plan. By believing His word and that one day I will understand why the answer to my prayer for Jonah is "No."

While I wait for understanding, I will continue to love and pray for Jonah. I have no doubt that he is meant for someone. As I said before, several families have been interested in him, but no one has been able to commit to him. So there MUST be someone out there for Jonah. Someone is supposed to go get him. I am praying fervently that Jonah's family finds him soon. This little love needs to come home.