Intermingled

I feel there are a few things I need to share. I've been thinking on this for several days.

I hope beyond hope that no one thinks we have turned our backs on Leanna. I hope that no one thinks she is just out of our lives and minds and hearts. I hope that no one thinks that we have turned away from her and towards Vera. This is one of those things that until you've actually experienced it, you just don't know. You don't know how you'll react. You don't know what you'll think. You don't know how you'll feel. You don't know what you'll do. Until you've walked the adoption road or ridden the adoption roller coaster, you just don't know.

Some days I feel like a traitor. I feel like I am betraying Leanna. Vera already brings me so much joy...I can't explain it. That joy does not diminish my sadness over Leanna's decision. We miss Leanna. We love Leanna. She will always be our daughter and sister. When she signed the paper saying she does not want to be adopted, it was so...final. I wasn't sure what to call her room after that. It's been Leanna's room for over a year. I asked Jon's mom if she planned to sleep in Leanna's room and it just felt...wrong. It's not her room anymore. But it doesn't seem like Vera's room yet either. So what should we call it? Well, for now it's 'the yellow room.' That seems to work. For now.

I shared this on Facebook a few days ago. I want to make sure you all read it...

"We will never leave Leanna. She is ours and we are hers. That's that. She will always be our daughter and I pray we will always be Mom and Dad to her. The fact that we are moving forward with Vera does not change our love for Leanna. I do not believe that God is finished with Leanna. I firmly believe He still has BIG plans for her. I also believe we will see her again. Do not think for a second that just because God has redirected us, that we do not still ache for Leanna and miss her terribly. That does not go away. I know it may be hard for some to understand, but we are not turning our backs on Leanna. But at this point, it is done. We cannot change her mind. We cannot go there and make her come back with us. Though we are still grieving for her, we must move forward on the path God is leading us down. We are sad and happy all in one. We lost one daughter and gained a new one. It was like a funeral and birth in the same week. Grief and joy. Turmoil and peace. Intermingled. Just know that Leanna will always be ours."

A few things we know...Leanna is strong, both physically and mentally. She is stubborn. She is a fighter. She is smart (and she'll be the first one to tell you that!). Although we are very sad that she decided to stay in Russia, we know that these qualities will serve her well in the future. I left home when I was 16. Did you know that? I thought I knew it all. I was stubborn and wanted my own way. I did not like the rules that were presented to me. Although I was smart, I made a very bad decision. This may not make sense, but looking back, I know I made the right (though bad) decision in leaving home. Had I stayed, my family would have been miserable. I would've made life hell for everyone. I already was.

There are so many comparisons to Leanna and I. Not only do we share many of the same qualities, but she too will be on her own at 16. Perhaps God allowed her to spend last summer with us so that I know who she is. I know she is very much like me and I know she is a survivor. She will not let anything take her down. She will make it. I'm sure her life will not be a bed of roses, but I do have great hope for her. When I first left home I bounced around for awhile from one friend to another. I lived in a car. Then a tent. Then a hotel that charged $70 per week, if that tells you anything. For awhile I lived on bread and the peanut butter and jelly that come together in one jar. I still get sick to stomach when I see it on the shelf at the grocery store.

We had to write two letters this week. One for the Social Committee in St. Petersburg and one for the Court. We had to formally withdraw our petition to adopt Leanna 'due to her refusal.' If we didn't send the letters, it would jeapordize our agency being able to work in St. Pete. Well, we certainly don't want that on our consciences! I took the letters to the notary nazi's yesterday to get apostilled. I thought I was okay. I was fine on the drive there. But as I walked into the office, I felt it. That lump in my throat signaling tears were imminent. Usually there are two women who do the apostilling. Two women who always recognize me when I come. Well, yesterday there was one lone man to apostille my documents. He started off with a joke. "Why is that all you adoption people come in here with a glazed over look in your eyes?" He smiled as he said this. I did not. He looked down and read both of my letters. I was already starting to cry. He asked me if this meant they would never see me again. I said, "No," and down they came. Tears. Sobs. Ugly cry. In front of a total stranger. All this poor man could do was say, "Well, we're glad to hear that," and turned around and apostilled my letters. While I waited I tried to pull myself together. It took a few minutes and a few tissues, but I was able to write my check and get the heck out of there. I cried all the way to the van and most of the way home.

It is official. Really official. Leanna will never be an Evans. But she will ALWAYS be our daughter and sister.

All this to say, please do not think there is not pain with our joy. We are all still feeling the pain of Leanna's decision.

But we choose to focus on the hope and joy of Vera.