Vera's 1st/7th Birthday

Sidenote: I completely forgot to mention this on my last post. Last week I was brushing Vera's hair one morning. Totally out of the blue she told me that we've seen her mad face and her 'cwying' face and that from now on she's going to show us her happy face. That was significant, people. She said it with such sincerity. That was when *I* knew that SHE knew that we had turned a corner. Praise the Lord!!

Anyway...

Vera's birthday was on Easter. So much significance there.

But that's for another post.

Is it just me, or is there finally peace in those little eyes?

Vera's best little friend has a Leap Pad and Vera wanted one desperately. She would tell Jon and I, and Jacob and Caleb and Abbi, and her physical therapist and anyone else who would listen, that she wanted a Leap Pad for her birthday. She told us MANY times every single day that she wanted a Leap Pad for her birthday. Ever since the day after Christmas (and I'm NOT kidding), she would ask me EVERY DAY if today is her birthday and then tell me she wants a Leap Pad for her birthday. When I would tell her that today is not her birthday she would ask if tomorrow is. And she would tell me again (after having just told me) that she wants a Leap Pad for her birthday. She would tell me when we were stretching that she wants a Leap Pad. She would tell me when we were eating any meal or snack. She would tell me when I would brush her hair and again when I would brush her teeth. She would tell me as I wiped her rear-end. She would tell me on the way to band. And co-op. And physical therapy. And the grocery store. She would tell me at bedtime. She must have told me no less than a dozen times a day that she wants a Leap Pad for her birthday. She even had a tantrum about it one day. She cried and yelled and kicked on the floor, "Me want Leap Pad! Me want Leap Pad!" It was first thing in the morning and I hadn't had any coffee yet. I told her if she wanted a Leap Pad she better KNOCK IT OFF RIGHT NOW because there's NO WAY she's getting a Leap Pad after acting like that! She stopped and was pleasant the rest of the day. A few weeks ago I got sick. I mean...I got S I C K. Jon was out of town and I came down with a stomach bug. I was so miserable. I felt like I had been run over by a semi. One evening during this sickness, I was getting Vera ready for bed. She told me for the millionth time that she wants a Leap Pad for her birthday. I should've kept my mouth shut. Instead, I looked right at her face and said, "Vera. I. don't. care." I know. You can hand me the Mother of the Year Award now. The funny thing is, Vera didn't seem to mind my response. And after that, she only brought up the Leap Pad every now and then.

She told Jon and I that in Ukraine she always got a piece of candy on her birthday. We asked if they did anything else and she said, 'No.' A piece of candy. No cake. No candles. No party. No gifts. No singing. Just a piece of candy. Vera wanted to have her birthday party at her best little friend's house. I told her that's not usually how it works. Honestly, I wrestled about her party. I know she's never had one before and I wanted to throw her a HUGE first, 7th birthday party. But I also had a hunch that she was really stressed and anxious about her birthday.

I've read in several books and heard from several people living it, that birthdays can be stressful for adopted kids. A lot of kids think about their birth parents on their birthday. They imagine what life would be like with them. They wonder why they were abandoned. Why they lived in an orphanage for however many years. Honestly, I don't think about Vera's birth mother (or father) very much. I'm not sure why. I know lots of women who think a lot about their child's birth mom. I don't. Maybe because I just know that I was meant to be Vera's mommy and that's that. But the fact is, I did not give birth to Vera. She is not a mix of Jon and I like Jacob, Caleb and Abbi are. I have no memories or pictures of Vera as a baby. Or a toddler. Or a preschooler. I only have 9 months of memories with Vera. And she's 7 years old.

Vera asked me recently, "Mommy...you have mommy and daddy when you little?"

"Yes, Vera. When I was little I had a mommy and daddy."

"No, when you wiwwy smaw. You have mommy and daddy? You baby?"
"Yes. When I was a really small baby, I had a mommy and daddy."

If you know Vera, picture her puzzled expression at this point. She raised her hands and asked, "Why?" She truly did not understand this concept.

Why did I have a mommy and daddy when I was really small?

How would you answer this?

I choked back the lump in my throat, blinked back my tears and simply told her that that's how it's supposed to be. God wants ALL babies to have a mommy and a daddy. Sometimes it just takes a little while for that to happen.

So, I was in a quandry about her birthday party. It was just so hard to predict how she would be. Would she love every minute of it or would she freak out and have to leave her own first 7th birthday party? It could've gone either way. In the end, we decided to go to the zoo. We invited some good friends, including Vera's best little friend. We thought the zoo would be good because it involved the whole family and friends, and it didn't focus on anything materialistic. Vera had told Jon and I few times that she wanted her friends to watch her at her birthday party. She wanted them to watch her throw a ball. We told her that might not be very much fun for her friends. The zoo was sounding better and better.

So, that's what we did.

We were blessed with a perfect, gorgeous day for the event!

Vera LOVED the goats in the petting zoo.

Below - the girls watching a caterpillar

The elephants!

Honestly, there were many, many days that the last thing I wanted to get Vera was a Leap Pad. I was SO SICK of hearing about it. BUT...we got her one. Her excitement made the frustration of hearing about it for the past 4 months worth it.

We told Vera she could have anything she wanted for her birthday dinner. We could go to any restaurant she wanted or we could make something at home. Her choice: pancakes at home.

She LOVED getting to help make her cake. Can you tell?

Oh my!

This was where I took over with stirring.

All ready to bake!

Sprinkles! What fun!

The masterpiece!

Vera chose the "7" candle. The sparkly one. Of course.

I wish we had been video-taping her blowing out her candles.

She blew and blew and blew. And finally got the last one out!

It ended up that Vera DID get to go to her best little friends house on her birthday.

They had invited us over for lunch. Complete with an Easter egg hunt.

The boys hid all the eggs and the girls hunted.

Egg hunts are GREAT PT!

Vera's stash. She had NO IDEA whatsover that each egg contained chocolate.

I removed all the chocolate and she's been happy as a clam to play with the eggs.

What she doesn't know won't hurt her. Right?

Easter morning

I heart my kids

Anxiety

Last time I told you about our lovely reunion in Alabama. I was able to have a long talk with Renee that weekend. Okay, I'll be honest...I hogged her...and I really got to pick her brain about some things. She had made some observations about us and shared them with me. She was right on about everything. She even noticed things I've never mentioned to anyone except Jon. She's very insightful.

As we talked about Vera and I asked and asked and she graciously answered and answered, she finally said, "That sounds like anxiety to me."

Anxiety. OF COURSE! Why hadn't I thought of that?!

I didn't sleep a wink that night. I kept thinking about everything Renee had told me trying to make myself remember so I could tell Jon the next day. I kept thinking of more questions I needed to ask. Does anxiety relate to this? Would anxiety cause that? I was messaging Renee on our drive home asking some of my questions. I also did some reading about anxiety and some of Vera's...quirks. A few things Renee said fit Vera to a "T". "Constant anxiety means even minor things can cause true distress. A kid with anxiety has very little tolerance for anything out of the ordinary - it's total panic mode."

Anxiety explains SO MUCH about Vera...

Why she needs routine so desperately.

Why she asks the same question over and over and over until we are all ready to pull our hair out. Or hers. I used to think this was a control thing. But from what I read, an anxious person finds comfort in predictable answers so they will repeat questions. And repeat and repeat and repeat.

Her intense startle reflex (which could also be CP related).

Her obsessions. Oy.

Why she loses her cool so quickly and panics when she misplaces something. I have never seen anything like it.

Why her little hoards of cut up/torn up paper are so important to her.

Why she falls apart so quickly and panics when we don't understand what she's trying to tell us.

Why new places and experiences cause her to panic. Though we didn't recognize it as panic/anxiety. Now we do. And it totally fits.

Why it took 8 months for her to learn how to count to 5 and still thinks an "A" is an "O".

Anxiety even explains some (though not all) of her tantrums.

Vera has always been...high strung. It has never taken much to set her off. We used to talk about her very short, almost non-existent fuse and her quick temper. Now we know...it's anxiety. Most of it is anyway. Are any of you wondering what caused Vera's anxiety? Well, it could be spending her first 6 years in an orphanage. It could be being told that if she couldn't walk, no one would want to adopt her. It could be the fact that 3 different couples went to adopt Vera, met her, were introduced to her as Mama and Papa, and then left her there. That would play with her mind a little, don't you think? It could be that we changed everything about Vera's life...her home, her friends, her foods, her country, her language...everything.

Really it could be any or all of the above or something I haven't even thought of yet. However, I believe a ginormous part of her anxiety has been me in an indirect way. Ever since we got home, I have wondered about Vera and what she thinks about how she got here. You may remember when we first got home, she would look at our family pictures and ask where she was. She would look at the big kids' baby albums and ask where hers was. Did she think I gave birth to her and then left her in an orphanage for 6 years? Well, I discovered recently that that is EXACTLY what she thought. She thought I had carried her in my tummy, had her and left her in Ukraine for 6 years. Poor little thing. Can you imagine what the past 9 months must have been like for her? NO WONDER she had so much rage! I also think some of our photos caused her anxiety. We still have photos of Leanna around the house. Vera has never, not once, asked about her, though she has asked about every other person in every other photo. I wonder if she's afraid of the answer. Has she been wondering all this time when she will no longer be here just like the girl in our photos is no longer here? My poor little Vera. Anyway, I explained to Vera that she had been in someone else's tummy and that we didn't know about her until she was almost 6. She has been different ever since we had that conversation. She is SO much more relaxed now. It's like her wall is coming down. She trusts me now. She is letting me be her mommy. I finally feel like I'm her mommy. If Jon and I are both home, she now seeks me out for most things where she used to prefer Jon for everything. When we're out and about now, she'll reach for my hand instead of insisting on holding Jon's hand. Now she begins almost every day by saying, "You my mommy always, always. I your daughter always, always."

So, you may be wondering what we're doing about this new little anxiety discovery. We saw HUGE improvements in Vera when we had our lightbulb weekend. But she would still get spun up so fast about little things and it didn't take much at all for her to escalate to screaming and/or a tantrum.

Renee gave me some very helpful ideas about how to help Vera stay calm when she goes into panic mode. They're all much easier to see in person than to try to describe. We've tried a few of the techniques over the past few weeks and it's definitely helping. Another very wonderful friend of mine taught me how to do the brushing technique and joint compressions on Vera. We're doing that every morning and evening. That also seems to be helping. I can now recognize Vera's anxious face and her controlling face and I respond accordingly. That in itself has been a huge thing. Responding accordingly. My reaction to her action has been a very important piece of the puzzle.

The changes in Vera lately have really been dramatic. And part of it has been me. Realizing her state of anxiousness filled me with such compassion for her. Realizing the difference between her control issues and her anxiety issues helped me handle her much more lovingly and with much more grace and patience. Praise God!

I mentioned that Vera has improved...here are a few examples. The other day we had to go somewhere. I carried her LeapPad downstairs for her and put it in the van next to my seat. As Vera was getting in to her seat, she asked me where her LeapPad was. I told her it was next to my purse, but it was under a book so she couldn't see it. Normally, she either would have demanded to see it OR thrown a fit because she couldn't see it next to my purse. She simply said, "Okay, Mommy," and got in her seat. I couldn't believe it.

Improvement #2 - we were on our way home the other day and Vera was playing with a tub of zoo animals that Caleb had given her for her birthday. The tub rolled away as I made a turn and Vera couldn't reach it. Normally, she would've fussed and cried until we got home and she could get the tub. This time, she told me it was okay and that she'd wait until we got home and then she'd get her tub. Astonishing! Seriously.

Improvement #3 - Vera can now count to 11 and recognizes those written numbers. And she can write her name almost perfectly. When she wants to.

Improvement #4 - The other morning at church, Vera had left her Bible in the van. We were on our way to potty before the service started and she mentioned her Bible. I told her we would go potty and get a drink and then if there was time, I would go out and get her Bible. A few weeks ago she would've cried and demanded, "You need get my Bible NOW!" Instead she said, "It's okay. If no have time, me use Bible in the seat." Wow. I was stunned.

She's getting there, folks. I think true healing is finally beginning. And we are thankful!

Meetings and Reunions

A few weeks ago I had my very first weekend away since coming home with Vera last July. My good friend, Laura, and I drove up to SC for a homeschool conference. Laura came home on Saturday after the conference ended, but I stayed an extra night just to be alone for awhile. It was truly glorious. How I needed that break!

One of the highlights of my weekend was getting to meet my precious friend. Julia is also a Reece's Rainbow mom. Her son actually started out at Vera's baby home, but was sadly transferred to hell on earth. A mental institution. Even though he has no mental problems.

It was a blessing to meet Julia and spend at least an hour each day with her at her Biblioplan booth. I loved purchasing my Biblioplan curriculum from her personally! Julia is a treasure...the real deal. Her love and compassion for the children left behind is palpable. Her heart for orphans is ginormous. She is one of my heroes!

While I was gone, I found out that the 2 families who were with us in Ukraine were planning a little reunion the following weekend in Alabama. I told Jon I REEEEAAAALLLYYY wanted to go. It was only a 5 hour drive. And to my delight he said, "Yes! Let's do it!" Oh...I can't even describe my excitement. It ended up that 4 families who have adopted from Vera's baby home and 1 in the process were able to meet up. Our together time was spent at the hotel pool. And it was REALLY hot in there! But...we survived. The adults visited while the children swam.

I wish I could put into words what it's like to spend time with people who get it. I know a lot of people who have lost friends, even best friends, after adopting because 'normal' parents just can't understand what our lives are like. This road can sometimes be very lonely and isolating and we're often misunderstood. It's a relief to spend time, however brief, with people who are on the same journey. A year ago, I never would've dreamed that I would have the kind of conversations that are a regular part of my life now.

How I LOVE these women!

Above

Me, Renee (holding her sweet Emma...home just 4 weeks), Michelle, Missy and Kim.

Kim and Missy were in Ukraine with us. We saw Missy and her family in Indiana in November, but hadn't seen Kim's family since Ukraine. It was a bit surreal to be home, with all of our kids, together, in Alabama. Who would've thunk?!

That weekend, I found out that Renee was going to be meeting Catherine near Atlanta and I had to invite myself along. Catherine came home with 2 sweeties while we were still in Ukraine. One of her little ones went straight to the hospital...she was so malnourished. But you would never know it now...she's quite a little chunky monkey! It was SO FUN having dinner with these families at The Mellow Mushroom.

Above

Me, Renee (holding Emma), Catherine (holding Francesca and Victoria), Isabella and Anastasia.

Renee is becoming a very good friend, confidant and mentor. Most of you know her name from her comments here and on Facebook. She is the one I quoted in my previous post. Renee is a wealth of knowledge, experience and expertise and she is SO WILLING to share with and teach those of us who are stumbling along on this adoption journey. Jon and I are so thankful for her. She has predicted lots of Vera's...issues...and given us valuable advice. Many of us who know Renee wish we could clone her and have her come live with us and tell us what we're doing right/wrong and why our child is doing this or that.

Above - the Mellow Mushroom group

Thankfully it was a Monday night and was not too busy.

The kids got a little...restless...as the evening continued.

Above - Vera and Renee's Emma

I have a long list of adoptive mommas that I hope to meet someday.

I'm so thankful that the list is a little shorter now.