Look. Watch. Be AMAZED!

We're getting ready for a road trip and I have a gazillion and one things to do. I really don't have time to sit here and blog. But it hit me smack-dab in the face today as I was cleaning the shower that we are not toiling alone. Many of you are toiling with us to bring Leanna home. In prayer, in fasting and in giving.

Two days ago I gave our latest adoption update. I invited you all to look with us. To watch and to be amazed. I feel since I extended that invitation that I should let you all know what has happened. In two days. The amazement is too much for one family to hold on to.

First of all, I posted on Tuesday. Jon got a call THAT DAY from someone who does not read my blog or read messages on Facebook. This person had NO idea what I had written about. This person called Jon to say, "I will be sending you $5,000 for your adoption fund."

Just. Like. That.

Look.

I also got this message from a friend...

I shared your message with my girls this morning during our scripture/prayer time. They were both very moved and have decided to give ALL their money to you to help bring your precious Leanna home! I was stunned (and didn't ask them to do this or tell them that you wanted money, I told them that we would join you and Jon in praying for a miracle.) We also decided that the leftover amount of money from our garage sale would go to you too. We wanted to use it for someone in need or a charity and never decided who or what. I know it won't be much, but, it should help. Thank you for sharing your journey because you are helping my children and family be blessed by "giving". God is using your need to bless others.

Watch.

I got this message from someone I haven't seen in at least 25 years...

I have made sure to add your and Jon's names to the prayer list. And another fasting/prayer is coming your way. I'm very excited for you. I wish I lived closer to help with the yard sale, but since you're in Georgia, and I'm here, you're stuck without my help.

We received many messages of encouragement and promises of prayer. I have tucked away each message in my memory. You are all so very special to me. I am humbled and honored. More than I can say. Thank you.

We received this email today...

Just a quick note to let you know I will be putting a check in the mail tomorrow. I read your blog yesterday, Amy, and my heart went out to you and Jon!

This morning I remembered that I had $500.00 put back here at home for my "emergency fund". I decided to deposit that in my account to send to you for your fund for Leanna. I realized that it was crazy to have that cash laying around doing nothing, when it can go towards bringing Leanna home! I also had some extra money laying around marked for my next road trip, but wanted to send that to you also. When I went to get the $500.00, I found there was $600.00, not $500.00. I vaguely remembered putting the extra money with the original $500.00, but had forgotten. So when I opened the envelope, I thought, "Wow, God has already started multiplying!" Right before I went to the bank, I remembered I had a container of coins that I have been saving for the last 3 years. When my coin purse starts to get heavy, I dump it in this small container. It doesn't add up too fast, because I use my debit card most of the time, and rarely cash. So I collected the container, and any other loose change I had, and took it to the bank. To my surprise, the coins added up to $151.95! The total of all of that comes to $1136.95, which is what I am making the check out for.

I'm so excited that God is allowing me to be a part of His miracle!

Be AMAZED!

Hi Mom

Where do I even begin? I write this post and this one and think, "Okay...the wrestling is over. NOW I'm ready for Leanna to come home." I wrestle, I struggle, I come through it victorious thinking the battle is over. I've won.

Oh, you've just got to love the journey of adoption. I know you friends who have done it or are in the middle of it are giving me a hearty, "Amen." Am I right?

Our dossier was supposed to be registered in St. Petersburg 2 weeks ago. It wasn't. Something about FedEx not being able to deliver the last of our paperwork in time because the 'business was closed.' Whatever. I'm over it. (Not really.) But that little tidbit, along with more that I'll share now, threw me into a state of confusion. If we had been registered 2 weeks ago, there was still a glimmer of hope that Leanna would be home by Christmas. Now, at the end of September, it will take a miracle, a huge act of God for this 8 month long prayer of mine to be answered. I'm not saying that God can't or won't do it. I'm saying that logically, knowing what I do about this process and Russia, it ain't gonna happen.

But still I hope.

Here's the rest of the story. We haven't done one thing to fundraise since Leanna went back to Russia on August 1. Not. One. Single. Thing. Why? Are we too busy? Lazy? Unmotivated? Changing our minds? Quite the contrary, actually. We are busy, but when it's your child, you prioritize and take care of her first. You do whatever you have to do for your children and THEN you take care of yourself, or the yard, or the bills or whatever else needs doing. We have researched different fundraisers and for one reason or another, either Jon or I have not been comfortable with them. Or they ended up being scams. (And can I just say here, SHAME on those who prey on the emotions of adopting families with promises of successful fundraisers. This is hard enough without you toying with us. Enough said.) Of the 4 or 5 grants that we qualify for, several of them have no funds at this time. We thought about taking out a loan against Jon's 401K. I know some of you are cringing and screaming, "NO! What a horrible idea!" Well, we can't even do it so no need to worry. Did you know you have to meet certain criteria in order to take out a loan against your own 401K? If your house is not in foreclosure or you don't have unpaid medical bills, you can't do it. I'm thankful we're not in those situations. So then we thought, at the very least, there's the credit card. I know. Another bad idea. But when it's your child, you do what you gotta do. So we get a letter in the mail last week saying basically, that since we have all this available credit on the card that we're not using, our limit is being reduced. To $2,000. Not enough for 2 airline tickets to Russia on short notice, let alone 6 tickets (for 3 trips). Oh, and a one-way ticket for Leanna. Needless to say, I was confused.

Why are You closing all these doors, Lord?

How will we raise the money to bring Leanna home?

Is she really coming home?

Have You changed Your mind?

Are You trying to tell me it's not going to happen?

Is she still mine, Lord?

I'm so confused. This doesn't make sense.

There was a heaviness inside my heart. An unrest. What did all this mean? Why weren't any of our plans working out? How in the world will we raise $40,000 if God closes all the fundraising doors? And why is He closing all the doors? I just didn't understand.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:5 - 6

I've been reading Isaiah 58 lately. Among other things, it speaks of fasting. Two Sundays ago our pastor spoke of the discipline of prayer and fasting. It seemed to keep coming up, so Jon and I decided to fast and pray and seek God for answers. Specifically, to the questions above.

In the meantime, Leanna sent me a message wanting to know when we're coming.

Heart. Wrenching. What do I tell her, Lord? Are we coming?

So, last Wednesday, we fasted. And we prayed. We read our Bibles looking for answers. We sought God. We were after Him. What is His plan? What is He doing?

We read things like

"In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps." Proverbs 16:9

Lord, are You detouring us?

"Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails." Proverbs 19:21

What IS Your purpose, Lord?

I was all over the Bible that day. From Old Testament to New and back to Old. Back and forth. Searching. Seeking. Praying.

One of the most helpful things I read was, "Now listen, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money." Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, "If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that." James 4:13 - 15

Okay, from now on I will say "If it is the Lord's will, we will adopt Leanna. If it is the Lord's will, we will raise enough money. If it is the Lord's will, we will bring her home."

If it is not His will, He will just close the door. But why would He have brought us this far just to change His mind...to close the door? It just didn't make sense that He would be closing the door. But what else were we supposed to think when He was closing all the fundraising doors? We can't do it without the money!

I went to bed hungry that night after fasting dinner (Jon had fasted all day). It's hard to sleep when you're hungry. Maybe that's the point. Needless to say, I prayed a lot that night. I still didn't feel the peace I so longingly desired. I did eventually fall asleep. I awoke feeling a bit discouraged that I didn't feel like we had any answers. I sat down with my coffee to read chapter 3 of Radical by David Platt. Our small group is reading it this semester and I like to read it the day of our gathering so it's fresh in my mind. The chapter included a short summary of George Muller. He is best known for the orphan ministry he began. During his life he cared for more than 10,000 orphans. He never asked for money. Do you know what he did instead? He prayed. He trusted God to provide. And God obviously did. That spoke to me. I asked Him if that's what He's asking me to do. Just trust Him to provide. Every single time I have prayed about all the money we still need to accomplish this adoption, Habakkuk 1:5 has come to my mind. This time was no exception. "Look at the nations and watch - and be utterly amazed. For I am going to do something in your days that you would not believe even if you were told." Look. Watch. Be utterly amazed. Whatever He has planned, I wouldn't believe Him if He told me. Okay. I can live with that.

I finished the chapter and turned on my computer. I was greeted by an email from Leanna. Usually when she writes to me, it's in Russian and I have to copy and paste it into the translator. There's usually no salutation or closing...just the message. She usually writes in response to me...something I've asked her about. She doesn't usually just write to tell me something.

Last Thursday she did.

It was all in English.

The first two words stopped my heart and instantly filled my eyes with tears.

"Hi Mom."

She's never called me 'mom'.

"I miss you very much. I'm waiting for you to visit Russia. I love you."

Yep. That was all I needed. Peace was restored. Confusion disappeared. Thank You, Lord!

But...what about the money?

Really, Amy? Do we have to keep going back to that?

Alright then. Let Me show you something.

I went to the garage. Jon's side is filled. The storage room behind the garage is filled. Do you know what it's filled with? Yard sale items. Most of you probably didn't know we're having another yard sale in a few weeks. I haven't sent out one single email to tell people that we're having a yard sale. A few people knew we would, but most people did not. God has filled our garage. God has provided. I would get calls from complete strangers, "So and so told me you might be having a yard sale and I have some things for you." "We have lots of leftover items from a consignment sale. Would you like them?" Some church friends have been bringing things for us on Sundays. One family is downsizing and has brought us load after load.

We can't take any credit for this. We haven't done anything. And yet our garage is filling up. My van officially moved out of the garage on Saturday because we have so much stuff.

Do I think a yard sale is going to raise $40,000?

No.

But on the other hand, why not?

Chapter 4 of Radical talks of God's glory and how He does things to bring glory to Himself.

But I will gain glory for myself through Pharoah and all his army, and the Egyptians will know that I am the Lord. Exodus 14:4

This is what the sovereign Lord says: It is not for your sake that I am going to do these things, but for the sake of my holy name. Ezekiel 36:22

Could it be that the Lord does not want Jon and I to do anything except have a yard sale? I keep praying, "Lord, what do You want me to do? How can I help You raise this money? Just tell me and I'll do it. I'm willing and able, Lord. "

Like He needs my help.

Like any of this depends on me.

When will I learn?

After much prayer and discussion with Jon, I think that God just wants to provide the funds. For His name sake. So that only He can receive the glory for it. So that when people ask, Jon and I will have no choice but to say, "God did this."

It still doesn't make much sense to me. I feel like I should be doing...something. Anything. And yet I know I'm doing what He wants me to be doing. Although I feel like I'm doing nothing. I feel like a wretch whenever someone asks, "So how's the fundraising going? What are you doing?" And my reply can only be, "Um...I'm not doing anything, really."

While writing this post, I got an email from our agency saying our paperwork was registered in St. Petersburg yesterday. They're hopeful we'll travel as soon as October 25. If we do, Leanna could still be home by Christmas.

We invite you to pray with us. We invite you to look, watch and be utterly amazed with us.

"Commit your way to the Lord; trust in Him and He will do this." Psalm 37:5

Aren't you excited to see how He provides? I know I am!

Perhaps He'll even use you to do it!

Video of our Summer with Leanna

More Lessons from Wrestling

If you haven't read my previous post about the wrestling match, you may want to start there. This post is a continuation of the former and will make a whole lot more sense if you read it first.

I've been thinking about glory a lot lately...

Who is this King of Glory? The Lord, strong and mighty, the Lord, mighty in battle! Psalm 24:8

All this time I've been telling myself, "This isn't about me and my wants. It's about Leanna and her needs." I would repeat that to myself over and over and over. Well, I had it completely wrong. This isn't about me or my wants or Leanna or her needs. This, like everything else, is about God and His glory. Glory. Isaiah 43:7 says I was created for His glory. 1 Corinthians 10:31 says, "So whether you eat or drink, or WHATEVER you do, do ALL to the glory of God." Yes. For the glory of God. For Him, I will do this. Not for myself. Not for Leanna. For Him. For His glory. Glory!

I also keep thinking about the rubber band illustration I heard in a sermon once. A rubber band is useless unless it's being stretched. When Leanna went home last January, I began praying that God would be preparing me for her. I believe this wrestling match was huge preparation. He taught me many things, He grew me and stretched me. It was hard and painful, but like Barbara said in my previous post, it was the best thing for me. And the best thing for Leanna. I had better be fully committed to her before she comes home. I can honestly say that I am now. Even more than I was before. I can look at Leanna's picture and smile again instead of feel dread and fear. I can look at pictures from our summer with her and actually laugh about awful things that happened right after the picture was taken. I can't let myself forget that we had many, MANY good moments with Leanna this summer. In fact, we had more good times than bad. By far. But the bad moments were really, really bad. Even so, I can't let them overshadow all the GOOD.

Through this struggle, I kept thinking about Mary. Bless her heart. Here she was, a young woman, probably not much older than Leanna. An angel appears to her and tells her she's going to have God's Son. Mary is engaged, but not officially married and has not yet 'been with' her husband. She asks a logical question, "How can this be?" The angel explains everything to her and Mary's response is, "I am the servant to the Lord. Let it be to me according to your word." Just like that. Let it be. Soon after that Mary goes to visit Elizabeth. I can't help but wonder if Mary dealt with anything like I did. Did she wrestle with this? I mean, once the angel left and Mary had time to think about what she had agreed to, did she panic? Was she overwhelmed? Joseph thought about divorcing her when he learned she was with child. Did she doubt God's plan? Did she ever think, 'How in the world can I mother God Himself?! I can't do it! I'm not strong enough! Especially if Joseph leaves me! I'll be a single mother!' Or was she just young and naive enough to trust that it would all work out somehow? I really have no idea, but after this I do suspect that Mary wrestled, at least a little bit. I think Mary's breakthrough came with Elizabeth's greeting because right after that we come to Mary's song of praise. When I read Luke 1:46 - 55 I hear so many things I never heard before this experience. Joy. Peace. Thankfulness. Freedom. Trust. Exactly the things I felt with my breakthrough.

"My soul glorifies the Lord.

My spirit rejoices in God my Savior.

He has been mindful of the humble state of his servant.

The Mighty One has done great things for me.

Holy is His name.

His mercy extends to those who fear Him.

He has performed mighty deeds with His arm..."

And now I can't help but wonder...what if Mary had said 'no' to the angel? What if she had thought it all through right then and said, 'You know, Gabriel, I really don't think I'm capable of raising God. I'm too young and I'm not even married yet. What will people say? I could get stoned to death! I think I'm gonna pass on this one, but thanks anyway.' All I can say is thank goodness that was not her response!

Another lesson I learned this summer and over the past few weeks was my need to spend time alone with God. Daily. Multiple times a day even. A few days before Leanna went back to Russia, I was feeling very tired. Overwhelmed. Ready to have my life back. During dinner, Jon and the kids made plans to go to the park when everyone finished eating. So while they were all getting ready, I was doing the dishes and cleaning up the kitchen. And I was feeling very resentful. Which clued me in that something was amiss. I usually find joy in serving in my family. It hasn't always been that way, but for the past several years I have found much joy in taking care of my family. My nemesis has always been the laundry. I despise laundry. One way I found joy in doing the laundry was to be thankful. I am SO thankful for my washing machine and dryer. Sometimes I feel very petty complaining about 'all this laundry' when really all I do is fold it. The machines wash it and dry it. I don't have to scrub the clothes or hang them on a line. I just have to start a load, transfer it to the dryer and fold it. And I used to complain about it. Now, when I find myself tempted to complain about laundry, I remind myself how thankful I am for my machines. Thankful that we have all these clothes that need washing. Thankful for the people who wear these clothes that need washing. That usually changes my perspective and my attitude changes from complaining to joyful.

ANYWAY this particular night I was upset that no one even offered to help me clean up the kitchen. The kids each have one day a week when they 'get' to help me in the kitchen. This was one of the days that no one was assigned...usually we all chip in on those nights and get it done quickly. So there I was, doing the dishes, grumbling to myself that the last thing I wanted to do was go to the park with my family...the very family who left ME to take care of kitchen duty by myself. I was feeling very sorry for myself and completely taken for granted. Jon came into the living room to put on his shoes and saw me in the kitchen. "Aren't you coming with us, Honey?" he innocently asked? I replied, rather sarcastically, that I would if I didn't have this messy kitchen to clean up...ALL BY MYSELF! He got the hint. And he was very apologetic. It was getting dark and they really were all in a hurry to get to the park before it was too late. And quite honestly, I didn't want to go so I was cleaning up rather slowly. I wanted to stay home, have the house to myself, and cry. In hindsight that's what I should've done. That little voice in my head was telling me I needed time alone with God. That I should stay home and let Him renew me, refresh me, fill my cup. I was empty. But we only had a few days left with Leanna and I didn't want to miss a single moment with her. So off we all went to the park. Looking back, if I had stayed behind and had that time alone with the Lord, perhaps my last fews days with Leanna wouldn't have been so difficult. I guess I'll never know.

I was lamenting some of this to a good friend of mine and she lovingly reminded me that even Jesus took time alone to spend with the Father. He had great need around Him just about all the time, but He realized the importance of having that quiet time alone with God. Somehow in our busy summer with Leanna I missed that vital step. That key ingredient to joy and contentment. I learned my lesson and will not be repeating that mistake.

I hope.