Wrestling Match

You may as well go get yourself a cup of coffee or sweet tea or diet coke...whatever your drink of choice is...and hunker down. This will be a long post. But also a very honest, straight-from-my-heart one. And a good one, I hope. One worth reading. Maybe even a blessing. Kleenex might be a good idea if you tend to get teary reading heartfelt messages. You've been duly warned.

Have you ever wrestled with a decision? I don't mean quick and easy wrestling matches (if there is such a thing)...I mean really wrestled. Have you ever been told to do something you just down right did not want to do? But you knew you had to anyway...and you argued and fought and cried about it? Well, I have been wrestling like that with God for a few weeks now. I don't know why I bother...it's not like I don't know Who will win. But my heart and mind have been at war with each other since Leanna's last week with us. Flesh vs. Spirit. The reason will likely surprise you. And with the following statement comes the question...will I really publish this post?

I don't want to do this. Adopt Leanna that is.

There. I said it. The awful truth is out. Love me or leave me.

But first, let me explain. Never, not once, have I thought about throwing in the towel and stopping the process to bring Leanna home. I love Leanna. Let me repeat that...I love Leanna. So very much. And I know she is my daughter. I know this is God's will for me and my family. But it has crossed my mind how relieved I would feel if Leanna does not sign the consent for us to adopt her. The process would end right then and there. It has entered my mind that maybe (hopefully?) her great grandmother will not give consent for us to adopt her. Again, that would be the end of it. And in some recesses of my brain, I think I'd be relieved. Off the hook. Now we can get back to life as we knew it.

So, why these thoughts you ask? Why these feelings? Why this attitude? Good questions. That's been part of my turmoil the past few weeks. The long and short of it is that Leanna's last real weekend with us was...how do I put it? Hellish? That sums it up I think. I don't want or need to go into details. If you're Facebook friends with me, you may have seen my post that said something like "I'm wondering about this plan God has for our family. It's been a rough weekend. Prayers are appreciated." Well, that was the 'stupid' weekend, as Leanna would call it. Let's just say that it became painfully obvious how much mothering Leanna needs. She hasn't had a mother since she was 1. And it shows. I realized just how much work I will have to do with her. How much time I will need to invest. How many conversations will need to be had. How much guidance she needs in so many areas. What a HUGE commitment this will be for me. And I was completely overwhelmed with all those realizations. This isn't going to be all hunky-dory-yay-she's-finally-home. Well, maybe the first week will be that way. I sure hope so. But no...this is going to be HARD.

Painful.

Challenging.

Messy.

Ugly.

Emotional.

Exhausting.

Trying.

This is going to be WORK.

And I did not feel up to the task.

At.

All.

Which led to "I don't want to do this, Lord. I am not strong enough for her. I CANNOT DO THIS!" Which led to guilt, shame, tears...turmoil. Daily turmoil. Moment to moment, in my face all the time. Turmoil. I've been confronted with things about myself these past few weeks that I'd really rather not know. Things I'm not quite ready to share. Things I may never be ready to share. And so the wrestling went. Over the past few weeks, my emotions have run high. I thought about giving all my friends a disclaimer saying, "Before you ask me about the summer or the adoption or anything about Leanna, be sure you're ready with Kleenex and an available shoulder to cry on." Seriously. I caught several friends off guard by bursting into tears when they asked me how everything was going. It was that bad. I continually asked the Lord, "Why am I feeling this way? Where did these thoughts come from? I don't want these thoughts! I want to want her. I want to be excited about adopting her. This is a big deal. Why am I so conflicted? HELP ME, GOD!" He wasn't giving me answers. I have Psalm 13 just about memorized at this point...it matches my feelings so well. "How long, O Lord? Will You forget me forever? How long will You hide Your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart? Look on me and answer O Lord my God. Give light to my eyes...But I trust in Your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in Your salvation. I will sing to the Lord for He has been good to me." Has He ever!

So, what WAS my problem? Selfishness? Laziness? Fear? Pride?

Maybe. Could be a combination of all those things.

But I had a breakthrough last week. In a most unsuspecting way. And I came to the conclusion that my problem has been obedience. And trust.

For the past month or so I've been praying for a 14 year old girl who recently had her second liver transplant. She's still in the hospital. She's had complication after complication. I've never actually met her or her family, but we're in the same homeschool group which is how she came to my prayer list. Anyway, her mom has been blogging at www.barbaraking.blogspot.com. I haven't been keeping up with the blog so much because I get updates just about everyday from Facebook. After reading the update the other day, I went to the blog. And I cried my eyes out. Here is an excerpt that cut right to my heart...

"I saw a trust that was beyond words. I saw her eyes pleading, begging and in much pain but I also saw this respect. This heart wrenching trust that if I said she needed to do it, even though it was taking everything out of her, then it must be the best thing for her to do. I saw obedience out of trust. I was almost in awe of the moment. That look on her face I will never forget. Pure trust that was etched in pain, struggle and a trust that is beyond words. I am not sure I have ever obeyed anyone out of pure trust like that when there was pain involved. When I could not see past the moment to the ultimate goal. To feel there is no hope and yet trust in someone else's hope that there will be better days... For the first time I can see why obedience is better than sacrifice. Obedience happens in the midst of the storm, in battle of war, the downward spiral of a crisis and instead of desperation to fix it all by sacrificing ...obedience through it all brings a consistent hope, though we are discouraged we are not beaten down because obedience knows the scripture and has a relationship with the Father that far exceeds the circumstances that we are standing in."

How is that for a WOW?! Obedience. Trust. Obedience out of trust. Obedience is better than sacrifice. Could it be that I brought the turmoil on myself? Because of my DISobedience? Because of my lack of trust? Even though I'm still pressing forward with the adoption, is it really obedience if I'm doing it kicking and screaming? My children would tell you 'no.' I have always told my kids that it is not obedience if they do what I ask but with a grumbly, complaining attitude. That is not obedience. Obedience is done with a willing heart. A joyful attitude. Neither of which I had.

One conclusion I came to is that I want things MY way. Neat, tidy, restful, comfortable, predictable, peaceful and dare I say, easy. That's pretty much how my life has been the past few years. Sure, we have rough days here and there, but they pass. There are two words that come to mind when people ask me how the summer with Leanna was. Stressful and chaotic. Two words I haven't used to describe my family since the twins were two. Jon and I, with the Lord's leadership, have worked very hard to build a family and home where peace reigns. I hope I never forget the time when the kids were 4 and 7, I had a stamping class at home and Jon was out of town. The kids were there the whole time playing, but they were on their own. As my last guest was leaving (probably close to 10 pm), she asked where the kids were. I told her they were in the back playing and she about fell over. She had no idea the kids had been there that whole time because there were no fights. Not one of them came to me even one time to tattle or ask for juice or anything. Remember, it was two 4 year-olds and a 7 year old. They were just happy, playing, content, peaceful kids. And for the most part, that's how life in the Evans family has been for many years. Peaceful. Well, that peace seemed non-existent this summer with Leanna here and I missed it. I craved it. I longed for peace.

But then, I turned it around. Does Leanna long for peace? Does she even know what peace is? Has God brought her to our family because she needs peace so desperately? I don't believe she's ever had any peace in her life...did she experience any while she was here? Oh, how I pray she did. Is she missing it now that she's returned to Russia? Is she longing for it? Craving it?

Anyway, the same day I read Barbara's blog, a friend of mine, whom I haven't seen in months and has no idea that I've been struggling with all of this, sent me an email that included this...a devotional from Rick Warren.

"The battle is not yours; it's Mine. You don't have to fight in it." In other words, it's God's problem. Let him solve it. The fact is if you are God's child, then your problems are his problems. And he's much better at fighting your battles and solving your problems than you will ever be. Your job is to trust him to work it all out. Perhaps the reason we have so many tired, fatigued, and discouraged Christians is because we think, "It all depends on me." The day you resign as General Manager of the Universe, you're going to find that it doesn't fall apart. You can relax in faith, trusting that God is able to run things without your help. "Don't be afraid," and "Don't be discouraged." When you face a seemingly impossible situation, don't be afraid and don't be discouraged. Has God ever lost a battle? No. He doesn't lose battles."

So. My problems are God's problems. Trust Him to work it all out. Trust. Another break through. IT DOES NOT ALL DEPEND ON ME. I was totally taking this on by myself. I DID believe it all depended on me. No wonder I felt so hopeless, helpless, doubtful, fearful and overwhelmed. No wonder I thought, "I cannot do this!" I CAN'T!!! Woo Hoo! There is so much freedom in those words today. I CAN'T DO IT! But I know Who can! I'm NOT strong enough for Leanna! But I know Who is! HALLELUJAH!!! I finally get it, Paul! In 2 Corinthians 12:9 he says, "Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses so that the power of Christ may rest on me." Yes! Exactly! I am WEAK!! I lost the wrestling match and yet I feel completely VICTORIOUS!! Oh, praise the Lord with me! I don't remember the last time I felt so free and unburdened. I'm not even worried about where the money will come from anymore. That is His problem and I know He already has it solved.

Is this still going to be hard? Absolutely! But nothing is too difficult for Him, who made the heavens and earth by His great power and His outstretched arm. Jeremiah 32:17

Is it still going to be painful? Very likely, yes. But I will not be surprised by it. Instead I will rejoice and share in Christ's sufferings so that I may be overjoyed when His glory is revealed. 1 Peter 4:12 & 13

Is it still going to be a challenge? No doubt about it! But I will turn my ear to wisdom and apply my heart to understanding, I will call out for insight and cry aloud for understanding, I will look for it as silver and search for it as hidden treasure, then I will understand and fear the Lord and find the knowledge of God. For the Lord gives wisdom and from His mouth come knowledge and understanding. Proverbs 2:2-6

Is it still going to be messy? Count on it! But isn't that why Jesus came in the first place? To help us clean up our messy lives and our dirty, sinful hearts? For some reason I think He is looking forward to this mess, which makes me look forward to it too. Perhaps He has not been satisfied with my neat & tidy, easy little life.

Will is still get ugly? Probably. But I am looking ahead to the crown of beauty from the ashes.

Will it be emotional? Sure. But I know when I am burdened and weary I can go to Him and He will give me rest. Matthew 11:28

Will it be exhausting? Definitely. But have you not known? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; His understanding is unsearchable. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Isaiah 40:28 & 29.

Will it be trying? Oh yes! But I will consider it pure joy knowing that the testing of my faith produces steadfastness. And by letting steadfastness have its full effect, may I be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. James 1:2-4

This is still going to be WORK.

But it is also going to be incredible.

Joyful.

Rewarding.

Gratifying.

Worthwhile.

Exciting.

Priceless.

Amazing.

Fruitful.

Satisfying.

Significant.

Remarkable.

Powerful.

Extraordinary.

This is a God-thing! It has been from the beginning.

And no matter how I feel, I know that HE is up to the task.

And that's enough for me.

Our summer with Leanna - Part Six

July 21, 2010

Hello all,

I’m sure you’re in shock that it’s been so long since I’ve sent out an update! It’s not because there hasn’t been an update to send…usually when I’m on the computer, Leanna is right by my side watching my every move. And in the evenings when all the kids go to bed I am just too tired to put a complete sentence together. I have been working on this email for a week…

Anyway, things have been mostly good. Still a rough moment here and there, but nothing like what we experienced two weeks ago. This attachment thing is good and hard and lonely and frustrating and wonderful...all in one. I know the worst is not behind us…I know as the day of Leanna’s departure gets closer, she’ll likely begin to detach from us so that maybe it won’t be so hard to leave. I’m not looking forward to that. The detachment or her leaving.

Some of you already know this, but our most pressing prayer request at this time is that Leanna is very undecided about what to do...let us adopt her or stay in Russia. I think she is really worried about leaving her great-grandmother behind. She's 83 and Leanna says she 'lives only for her.' I think she's worried about what will happen to her great-grandmother if she leaves. Please pray that God will lead her in this decision and that she’ll have peace about it. Pray that God is binding Leanna to us and that she feels like she’s part of the family. Pray that she misses us when she returns to Russia. Pray that she receives good counsel before she makes her decision. She is really counting the cost and has asked a few of her friends what she should do. Two of them told her they can't make that decision for her and another told her she should come live in America. She has friends who are glad they’ve been adopted and friends who wish they hadn’t left Russia. She has at least one friend who said ‘no’ to being adopted and is happy with his decision. Leanna also asked her chaperone what she should do, and was told that she should come live with us. We had another of her chaperones for a few hours last Wednesday. She didn’t speak much English, but did say a few times, “Children need families.” It was so nice to hear a pro-family, pro-adoption orphanage caregiver say that. Leanna told me that the days that we stay home and do nothing, the times when she is bored, that's when she misses Russia and thinks she shouldn't come. I reminded her that this is summer and summer is lazy. I told her that when she's here for good, school will take up much of her day and we do participate in several activities during the week. We're not usually 'lazy' like we have been. And once she can read our books, that will help. She enjoys reading. I did notice that last Friday, a stay-at-home ‘boringly’ day, she didn’t complain at all. It was actually a very nice, fun, relaxing day. It was the first day that we really felt like a family…no awkward or uncomfortable moments. It was just natural. And it’s lasted all this time. God is so good.

Pray also that her great-grandmother gives consent for us to adopt her and that she has peace about it. A friend told us about an inexpensive calling card to Russia. We bought one last week and Leanna has called her great-grandmother twice. I think it’s good for Leanna to know she’ll still be able to talk to her. She called on Saturday and apparently the great-grandmother said, ‘yes’ Leanna can come live with us. Leanna said that at first her grandmother was apprehensive at the thought of her not living in Russia anymore. Then she said something about how she doesn’t even know us. Then she asked what Leanna wanted and said Leanna could come live with us if that’s what she wants. I was sitting next to Leanna during the conversation and afterwards when Jon came into the room Leanna excitedly told him, “Babushka say yes!” It took Jon a split second to realize her meaning. I wonder if Leanna saw the tears in Jon’s eyes. I asked Leanna what she wants and she smiled and said she didn’t know. But in her next breathe she talked about when we come to Russia to get her. She talks about that often, but still says she doesn’t know what she wants. Two Sundays ago in church, she wrote her name all over my bulletin…Leanna Evans. It’s like it’s settled in her heart, but her mind keeps going back and forth. I know it will be very hard for her to leave Russia. We went shopping on Saturday and Leanna helped us pick out a gift for her babushka. We’re also going to write her a letter just saying how much we enjoyed having Leanna this summer and we’ll include some pictures. Hopefully that will make Babushka little more comfortable letting her great granddaughter come live on the other side of the world.

Leanna is an amazing girl, as many of you know. We’ve learned that not only does she speak Russian and is learning English quickly, but she also knows a little German, French and Ukraine. She sang a song to us in Ukraine on one of our evening walks. She has a beautiful singing voice. She also told Jon, “I love you” in Ukraine. Her middle name is something like RoMONivna. Very pretty. One day she was telling me about some of her friends who’ve been adopted. We were talking about their Russian names and what their names are now. I asked her about us calling her Leanna and she said she likes us to call her that. She is very playful and has a great sense of humor. We went out for dinner one night with Jon’s parents. She had taken Jon’s keys when we got out of the van. When she wouldn’t give the keys back Jon said, “That’s okay…you can drive home.” She said okay, then looked at me and said, “PRAY!” We all laughed…such a funny girl! It’s been fun to see the different relationships Leanna has with each of the kids. She and Jacob seem to be equals although she does like to try to boss him around. Jacob doesn’t usually give in to her…sometimes it’s okay, sometimes she gets mad and pouty, but she always snaps out of it fairly quickly. We’ve been able to see Leanna’s interaction with two different boys and I can say without a doubt that we will have our hands full. J But I am very glad that we were able to see the difference in how she acted around those boys and how she treats Jacob…like a brother. She calls Caleb her baby and seems to be protective of both him and Abbi. Caleb is our most active child and he and Leanna have gone on several bike rides together and they both like to jump on the trampoline together. It’s been really fun to see Abbi and Leanna together. For the past week or so Leanna has been going into Abbi’s room at bedtime. She sits at the end of Abbi’s bed and they chat in the dark until Jon or I tell them it’s time for sleep. Leanna told Abbi that she’s always wanted a sister. I got up one day to find both girls in Abbi’s room…playing with dolls. I couldn’t believe that Leanna was playing with dolls! At the last New Horizons gathering, Leanna introduced the kids as her brothers and sister. J

Things have also improved GREATLY with Jon. There are still things we’re working on, but Leanna is treating Jon MUCH better than before. She loves to joke around with him, but she is still not very affectionate with Jon. A few nights ago, she almost gave Jon a goodnight hug. Twice. Then on Monday we were at the park and Jon went to put his arm around Leanna. Instead of going the other way like she normally would, she actually leaned in to him. That was a big, yet subtle, moment. The next night she gave him a half hug at bedtime. So, things are getting better every day and we’re celebrating every little improvement. And now Leanna usually walks with Jon and the dog on our evening walks instead of sticking with me and holding my hand. Sometimes just the two of them go on walks and the rest of us stay home.

We now have 11 days left with Leanna. Please pray they are GOOD days.

That’s it for now. I apologize for the length of this update. J

Love,

Amy

Our summer with Leanna - Part Five

July 8, 2010

Hi all,

We could use some extra prayers today. Leanna’s dental appt. was supposed to be on Monday, but she’s been having trouble with one of her teeth for several days. It seems to be getting worse, so I changed her appt. to today at 2 pm. I have no idea what to expect from her, but please pray during that time. She’s mad at me because we were supposed to go the lake today and now we’re not. There were 2 days last week that we were going to go to the lake but both mornings we woke up to rain and did not go. So she’s doubly mad because she thinks I keep putting it off. I don’t care that she’s mad at me, but it could make for an interesting time at the dentist. Thankfully, my mom is here and will stay home with Jacob, Caleb and Abbi.

The great week we had last week with Leanna is a sweet memory now. J She is fine with the kids and I during the day, but her demeanor changes when Jon gets home. She’s still fine with me, but with Jon she is moody, dramatic, gets mad at him over nothing, turns her back, crosses her arms, and just has a general ugly attitude with him. Please pray for wisdom for Jon and I about how to deal with this. It’s getting increasingly worse and we’ve got to do something. She treats him like, well, crap, and it is beginning to anger me. But it could be that my patience is gone by the time Jon gets home. It could be that I’m not sleeping well (nor is Jon) and am exhausted. If the other 3 kids treated Jon the way Leanna has been they’d have something coming. But we can’t discipline her the way we would the other 3. We were up late last night trying to figure out what we’re going to do…we have no answers. I don’t know if she’s testing him or if it’s a girl thing, an orphan thing, a teenage thing, a PMS thing, a control thing…or all of the above. Please pray for insight. This is not about Jon and I…we know that. But we don’t want her attitude to become a habit. We don’t want her to think this is how it will be when she’s home for good. Jon is struggling because he wants so badly to build a relationship with Leanna but she’s making it very difficult. Please pray that our love for her (and more importantly, God’s love for her) will shine through and overshadow our frustration with her.

Friends, we thank you for your continued prayers.

Love,

Jon & Amy

And the follow-up that night...

I cannot thank you all enough for you prayers today. Really! The dentist appt. went okay. Leanna got her teeth cleaned and said, “Ow!” a few times, but it was mostly okay. When the technician got all done cleaning Leanna’s teeth, the look Leanna gave her spoke volumes. If looks could kill…look out! Anyway, Leanna has cavities on all of her back teeth. Some of them can wait until she’s home for good and on our insurance, but a few of them are bad. The technician showed Leanna one of the holes in her teeth. If Leanna starts flossing every day, some of her cavities should not worsen. I told her all of this on the translator when we got home. Right now the bill is over $1,300, but it sounds like the dentist may work with us. The tooth that has been giving her pain is because of a root canal gone bad in Russia. It sounds like she had it done in March and it started hurting at camp. The dentist did a close X-ray of just that tooth and found that when her root canal was done, whoever did it didn’t clean it all out before filling it in. So now it’s infected. He referred us to an endodontist to have the root canal redone. Great. Please pray that the endodontist will work with us on the price. Or even do it for free (that’s what I’m praying for!).

On another note, the difference in Leanna from yesterday to today is astonishing. Not one issue. Even with Jon. Leanna was pleasant all evening and was back to her fun, happy self. I am so glad that my mom is seeing the Leanna we fell in love with. I think tonight she saw a glimpse of our future. We went to the park after dinner and we all sang songs on the way home. The only explanation that can be given for the change in Leanna is all your prayers and God’s faithfulness. Tonight my mom was commenting on the difference in Leanna (last night was really bad) from yesterday to today, and I couldn’t help but wonder why all of this happened. Could it be that the Lord had planned all along to use this to prove to us the power of prayer? The power of God? That He really does listen and care and respond to His people? That He simply IS? The thought is too big for me to chew on right now. When we were at the park my mom remarked on how wonderful Leanna was this afternoon and evening. I said to myself, “Thank God for prayer partners!”

Anyway, it’s late and I’m so tired. But I did want to let you all know how the day went and THANK YOU!!! We are praying for another good day tomorrow. At the lake! J

Love,

Jon & Amy

Our summer with Leanna - Part Four

July 3, 2010

I just cannot believe how much has happened in one week. Really in just the past few days…

We have had a super week with Leanna and are so thankful! She is much more comfortable now…her cold is gone and her antibiotics seem to be healing up her rash. She has also come out of her quiet shell and is talking A LOT now. Praise God! I had a nice long talk with Katie yesterday and she gave me some great ideas about how to get Leanna talking a little more. We tried one of her ideas at dinner last night and WOW, that did the trick! Today we only used the translator a few times…Leanna understands a lot of what we say and she’s working more on talking with us. We went to the dollar theater tonight and she talked much of the way there. Jon had told her earlier in the week that he ordered an English program for her so she could learn faster. It finally came today…she’s been waiting and asking for it. We went shopping on Wednesday for her new bedding and a watch and this shopping experience went MUCH better than the first. She wasn’t afraid to tell me what she liked and didn’t like. She picked out a really cute bedding set and then we headed to the watch department. She wanted to try them on so we took a few up to the counter so the lady could take the watches out of the boxes for us. The clerk kept asking Leanna questions that I would have to rephrase and use motions. We finally found the right watch and when I went to pay for it the lady asked me if Leanna was hearing impaired. I said, “No, she’s Russian!” J

I do have some fun news to share. Leanna asked me today if she could get on Kontakte to put some pictures on from this week. I sat with her and she showed me pictures of her teachers and her friends, many who live here now and many who are here for the summer. She uploaded some of my pictures and then…I wasn’t quite sure what she was doing at first, but it didn’t take me long to figure it out. When I saw the word ‘matr’ and then she put my name I knew what she had done. Leanna listed me as her mother on Kontakte. So now on my page she is listed as my daughter. LOVE!!! On our way to the theater tonight Leanna was telling Jon about her day and then she nudged me and said something like, “you tell Jon what I did on Kontakte…you…my mother.” He already knew but I told him again so that she knew he knew. Then she leaned up from her seat and rested her head on my shoulder. She is very affectionate and likes to hold my hand when we go on walks or walk through the store or sit on the couch and watch TV. Even in the car. I LOVE THAT!!

She had also put a little picture on my Kontakte page and wrote I love you. She pointed to the I love you to make sure I saw it. Jon and I haven’t told her we love her yet but are DYING to! I guess we’re kind of waiting for that perfect moment. It’s a bit of a big deal. Please pray that God will provide that moment SOON and that we’ll know it when it comes. Jon and I have both been emotional this week…in a good way. Our hearts overflow with love for her and neither of us can imagine sending her back on August 1. After just a week she is truly part of the family and there will be a huge void when she is gone. Today she asked to see pictures of our extended family and was excited to learn that we all have cousins. Apparently Leanna has a cousin that lives in Germany but she’s never met her.

Anyway, another interesting tidbit that some of you will appreciate. When Leanna was here last winter she made it known to Katie and me that ‘homeschool is bad.’ She wasn’t afraid to share her opinion on that and it was a very strong one. Well tonight on our way home from the movie she said, “I want school.” She said she missed school and wanted it. She didn’t mention missing her friends…just school. She asked me if I like teaching to which I said yes. Jon asked her if she would like me to teach her and she nodded and said, “okay.” If I had not had my seatbelt on I think I would’ve fallen out of the van. Okay?! She said, “okay”?! Unbelievable! We’re not sure if she meant teach her for the summer (like I’m prepared for that!) or teach her English or homeschool…but who cares?! She said it was okay that I teach her. That is amazing, people!!

Oh, Leanna also showed Jon and I a video of the camp she was at before her travel here. It gave me the creeps and made Jon very uncomfortable. We had been told that camp was only 3 weeks long but Leanna said it’s ALL SUMMER…June, July and August. Praise the Lord that she is here with us and SAFE! Jon said all he could think when we watched the video was, ‘where are the adults?’ I counted 2 adults and they were with the younger kids. I hope she will not go back to camp for the rest of August when she returns, but who knows?

We’re looking forward to having Jon’s parents in this weekend and my mom will arrive on Tuesday to spend 5 days with us. Please pray that Leanna receives them well and that relationships will begin to build between them. I know the grandparents cannot wait to meet their new granddaughter. I’m not really sure what to expect from Leanna but I am glad that she’s mostly back to the Leanna we remember.

Okay, it’s late and now I’m rambling. J

Love,

Amy

Our summer with Leanna - Part Three

June 29, 2010

Hi friends,

I want to thank you all for your continued support and prayers. They have been felt. After a rough day Sunday (for me), yesterday was better than I could’ve hoped. Leanna is getting back to herself. We got her some cold medicine that seems to be helping and she’s now on antibiotics for a skin rash that she’s had for over a week. It’s been causing her lots of pain and discomfort. I hope it starts clearing up very soon now. We went to the welcome party for New Horizons Sunday night and it was a wonderful time for all of us. Three girls that were at our training were there and Leanna latched right onto them. Two of them were from her orphanage and one she knew very well. It was SO wonderful to see her smiling and laughing and talking with her friends, although I was dying to know what they were talking about. I jokingly told one of the girls that, ‘you’re only telling her good things about us right?’ and she said that she did tell Leanna that living in America is good. Having parents is good. Leanna didn’t pay a whole lot of attention to any of the other kids. I was thankful she was with adopted kids who are doing well here.

Yesterday I spent about two hours with Leanna and the translator just talking about different things. I told that we missed her A LOT since January. She said she missed us too. I told her how much Jon and I enjoyed seeing her so happy with her friends at the party. I said I wished I knew what they talked about and supposed that was how she felt not always knowing what we’re saying. She said they just talked about Russia and America and their mutual friends. She said they asked her if she was happy to be here but didn’t include what her response was. So I asked her and she said yes, she is happy to be here with us. I told her we are VERY happy (she laughed at the big VERY) that she’s here. Then I told her I will be VERY sad on August 1. To that she hugged me. She found my picture library on the computer and the folder titled Leanna and looked at many of the photos. She got to the yard sale photos and asked me about it. I told her we had a huge yard sale and many people donated things for us to sell. Then she saw the pictures of the puzzle fundraiser coming together. Then she saw the pictures of the jars and asked about that. So I said a silent prayer and told her that adoption is very expensive and we’ve had to do many fundraisers. I explained the jars and the purpose. I explained the puzzle and showed it to her. She just kept saying, ‘Wow!’ I told her we are very thankful to God for providing everything we’ve needed so far.

We talked about other things too…school (she just finished 7^th grade), friends, Russia, etc. I told her Jon’s parents are coming this weekend and my mom will come next week to spend 5 days with us. It was really a wonderful conversation. Just a quiet one since we were typing everything. I look forward to her knowing English better and having a normal conversation with her. We love her voice, especially her laugh. As Jon says, she has a musical laugh. After lunch we headed to the pool and spent a great afternoon there. She swims very well (after telling me she didn’t know how) and dove (literally) right in. All four kids had a good day together. We came home, rested a bit, had dinner and then went to our favorite park for a walk. Which was very nice. Leanna held my hand the last part of the walk. And I didn’t even mind the sweaty hands. J We got home, had some pineapple and then Leanna laid on the couch with her head in my lap and I got to run my fingers through her gorgeous, thick hair.

All in all, yesterday was a super day and I am thankful! Please keep the prayers coming. I know Leanna is still getting to know us and we’re working on building trust. Her spunk is returning and each hour feels a little more normal than before. We don’t have anything planned today…please pray that she’s not bored out of her mind!

Love you all,

Amy

Day 1

And now...back to regularly scheduled programming! This is the email I had sent out at the end of Leanna's first full day with us...

June 26, 2010

And I promise not to send updates every day!

We started off the day with pancakes, eggs and bacon, all of which Leanna ate. Then Leanna tried on all the clothes that I’ve been collecting over the past few months. After that us girls set off to go shopping for the necessities. I’m so glad that’s over with. I didn’t struggle with the language barrier so much as the shrugging of the shoulders. She wouldn’t tell me what she liked and didn’t like. That made it a little difficult and frustrating. Oh well. It’s done and I’m thankful!

We came home and had lunch and then the girls played the WII for a little bit while Jon and the boys played a Star Wars game. Then it was dinner time. Her spunk hasn’t quite caught up with her yet but it could be a combination of the jet-lag and her cold. Maybe she’ll return to herself at the New Horizons welcome party tomorrow afternoon. We’ll see.

After dinner we all sat on the couch with the laptop and online translator. She said that 9 children from her orphanage came to America. 4 to Atlanta and 5 to Washington D.C. Jon told her we ordered an English program to help her learn a little quicker. And he kept trying to use Russian words with her. She asked him why he was learning Russian and he said, ‘why not?’ She asked again and he looked at me and said, ‘should we just tell her?’ And so it began. He used the translator to tell Leanna that we want her to come live with us and be part of our family. He asked her if she would like that. She smiled and nodded. I got the feeling she was excited but trying not to show it. Or maybe she didn’t know how to show it. She still doesn’t know us very well. She just kept looking at Jacob and smiling real big. Her demeanor changed a bit after that and she seemed to relax a little more. She came and sat by me and rested her head on my shoulder. Then she took the laptop and started typing on the translator. She asked me why I have not been on Kontakte (the Russian Facebook). I told her I check on her every day but she was away at camp for a long time. She typed something like ‘you did not contact me.’ I asked when. She typed ’24.’ She said I had not contacted her in 24 days and wanted to know why. It was all I could do to hold back the tears. It was killing me not being able to be in touch with her while she was at camp. But I had no idea she was keeping track of when and how often I write to her. I really hadn’t been counting days. She was. If only she knew that she is a constant thought on my mind…

After that, we hit her with the Evans Household rules, which we should’ve done before we mentioned that we want her to come be a part of our family. J Her demeanor changed again after that and she seemed…sad…or something. I think part of it was that we told her that in the New Horizons rules she’s not allowed to be on Kontakte while she’s here. I’m sure that will be hard for her. All her friends are on there. I’m thinking now that we may go ahead and let her get on once or twice a week…I mean, how would we feel if we were in a strange country, away from our home, family and friends? We would want to be in touch somehow! And it’s not really a rule…more of a piece of advice.

Anyway, when she said good-night to us, she seemed very sad. I asked her if she was okay and she nodded. But her eyes looked a little teary. I hope she’s not crying herself to sleep. Please say a prayer of comfort for her. And pray for healing of her cold. I can hear her in there coughing away…

Thank you, friends.

Amy

One More Interruption

June 20, 2010

Thank you, friends, for your encouragement, your prayers, your time in reading these emails.

Since a few of you asked about the camp that Leanna is at right now I’ll tell you what I know. The orphans are sent to this camp for 3 months to let the caregivers at the orphanage have a break. I don’t think it’s a work camp, but am not really sure. One of the host-dads that spoke on Saturday said that when his son (age 11) arrived he had scars all up and down his arms. When they asked him about it, he said that if the bigger boys at camp ever got a hold you they would cut you up. The bigger boys got a hold of him more than once. It also sounds like there is a window to the girls shower house that the boys can look into and watch the girls shower. Leanna told Katie that she would try to hide or cover herself with her arms, but I don’t think it was possible to completely hide from the boys. I want to ask Leanna more about this camp when she’s here.

So, the training last weekend. Most of the day was actually spent discussing adoption, which I thought was ironic since we weren’t even supposed to say ‘the A word.’

One question that was asked was why don’t family members step up and take in the children? In Russia, the country is divided up into areas (like we have the 50 states). Each area is ‘zoned’ for a certain number of people. When people travel from one area to the next, they have to register with the government so they always know where people are and how many people are in each area. To get permission to bring an extra person into the area permanently is a long, expensive process full of government red tape. I think it’s just easier to put the children in orphanages.

Another thing about Russia is that no one smiles. If you smile in Russia, you’re either crazy or drunk. I wondered if the children have the instinct to smile and have to suppress it…

Many children who are interviewed for the hosting program (60% of whom get adopted) choose not to come mostly because of the lies they’re told that I talked about in the last email. The kids who spoke last Saturday all said they were terrified when they got off the plane. Not only because of all the lies they had heard, but then they’re greeted by a group of strangers…who, of all things, are smiling.

The caregivers at the orphanages don’t want to get attached to the kids so they don’t hug them. Many kids who come on the hosting program have never been hugged and don’t know what to do when they are hugged. One of the boys who spoke (he’s in his early 20’s now) remembers the first time his mom embraced him and pulled him in to hug him. It was a pivotal moment in his life. At bedtime in the orphanage a bell rings and lights go out and in to bed they go. No hugs, no ‘have sweet dreams’, no ‘I love you’s’, no prayers, no nothing. Just get into bed and go to sleep.

Another thing is that in Russia the average is 7 abortions per woman. 7. Seven. Some women don’t have any. That means some women have more than 7 abortions. I know we have an abortion problem here in America, but I don’t think our ratios are that high.

We did learn that sexual abuse is not very common there. If it’s learned that children have been sexually abused or if they start ‘acting out’ while in the orphanage they get sent to a different home where they receive counseling and help.

We were reminded that we can’t judge the children based on their actions and behaviors because we have no idea where it’s coming from. There is no telling what they’ve been through and what makes no sense to us may make perfect sense to the child. One repeat host family said they had a girl once who would put on a bathing suit with a shirt and jeans over it and swim that way. They gave her that freedom and didn’t question her, but did ask a chaperone about it. It turned out that the girl had been severely burned as a little one and had scars all over that she didn’t want the family to see. She did eventually just wear a bathing suit.

Nicole was one of the girls that spoke on Saturday. It was her first time to talk about her adoption in public and she was awesome. She really reminded me of Leanna, not in her looks, but her attitude. Her dad also spoke to us and told that when he and his wife first hosted Nicole, it was hard. We were reminded why we had to find prayer partners…he said they had about 1 good week with Nicole. About a week and a half was okay. Another week and a half was bad. The rest of the time was really bad. Really, really bad. Our prayer partners will be the ones lifting us up on those really really bad days when we’re so upset we can’t think straight. Anyway, Nicole had a very rough first year here after being adopted. She told about asking her parents why they adopted her. “Because we love you.” “You don’t even know me! How can you love me?!” She couldn’t understand that. She pushed both parents away, especially her mom. She repeatedly did bad things. At one point she asked them how they could love her when she kept doing all these bad things. Their response was that it didn’t matter what she did. They would always love her. No matter what she did. They would always love her. It took her that first year for the truth to sink in. She was loved. Unconditionally.

Friends, Leanna will be here in just a few more days. And we are SO excited! The other day, the twins and I piled onto Leanna’s bed and watched Jon and Jacob hang her mirror. The dog and cat joined us as well. All we were missing was Leanna. Please pray for safe travel for Leanna, the other 165 orphans who are coming, as well as the chaperones. Pray that Leanna is happy that we’re adopting her. I’m sure her emotions will be very mixed when the time actually comes, but pray that she wants us as badly as we want her. She does still have the power to end this whole thing. In a way, I feel like this summer will be our interview. Pray that she feels like the part of the family that we already know she is. I had a friend of mine translate the Evans House Rules for me…pray that it is received well by Leanna. We’ve been advised that it’s much easier to start strict and ease up later. That’s what we plan to do. Pray that this summer Leanna will begin to understand the roles that Mom and Dad play in a family, as well as her new role as a big sister.

I think that’s it for now. Thank you for being on this journey with us!

Jon & Amy

Interruption

Well, in looking through the emails I sent to our prayer partners, I found a few that I thought should be shared...so I'm briefly interruping the Summer with Leanna posts.

Hello all,

It’s been about 2 weeks since my last update and there is so much to share! First of all, Jon completed the (adoption) paperwork! HOO-RAY! The night he finished, he came out of the office, raised his hands up in the air and said, “It’s DONE!” We are so thankful to have that behind us. We’re told that’s the worst of the paperwork, but I’m skeptical. J We’ll see. With that being finished, we were able to send off two huge stacks of paperwork (each with a huge check)…one to the adoption agency and one to USCIS for immigration approval. The wait time to get approval is about 4 months right now. We can take our first trip to Russia without that, but we’ll have to have the approval before we can take our 2^nd trip. As far as the agency paperwork, now we wait for our acceptance packet and we’ll go from there. Hurry up and wait. That seems to be the motto for adoption.

Our second praise is that Leanna has been cleared for adoption. In Russia there is a registry that all orphans must be on for 1 year to give Russians a chance to adopt them before they’re opened up to other countries. We finally got that confirmation on Thursday. We were also told that Leanna’s orphanage director told our agency that Leanna is ‘waiting for us to come.’ I told the agency that to my knowledge Leanna doesn’t know that we’re adopting her. I was told that she must’ve figured it out.

Which leads to our third and most wonderful praise…we had our hosting training yesterday and were given permission to tell Leanna that we’re adopting her. This takes such a huge burden off of our shoulders…NO SECRETS!!

The training yesterday was eye opening. Encouraging and heartbreaking all in one. My favorite part of the day was when a panel of adopted kids were lined up on the stage for a Q & A session. We were told that most adopted kids do not want to talk about their past, so the fact that these ones were here to do just that was NOT common. 6 children…2 boys and 4 girls ranging in age from 11 to 17. 2 of the girls were from Leanna’s orphanage and they both know her. One question that was asked was if they felt comfortable talking to their parents about their past. They all shook their heads. One girl…a sweet, beautiful girl named Tania said that her past was her past. Once she had a family and a new life, she only wanted to look forward. Her past is ugly…her future is beautiful. Her past does not matter anymore…only her future. As she was speaking, I could not help but think of Philippians 3:13, “But one thing I do; Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.” Amen. We were told by one of the boys that the orphans are told (by adults and children) that it’s their fault that they are orphans…that they did something to deserve it. That they are not worthy of anything more than being an orphan. Not worthy of love. They are pointed at, laughed at, ridiculed everywhere they go (by adults and children). They are ‘trouble.’ Their shame is inescapable. It’s with them always. Tania said that one reason she did not want to talk to her parents about her past was because of the shame she felt. What if her parents didn’t want her anymore after hearing about her past? What if they decided she wasn’t worthy of a family and sent her away? How could they really love her knowing what her life used to be like?

I realized yesterday just how much influence the father of lies has in the lives of orphans. As if the above weren’t enough, one of the girls said that her teacher showed her school class a movie about 9/11 and told them that’s what would happen to them if they came to America. (Yes, the teacher said this!) Americans are so ‘crazy on terror’ that we practice our killing skills on the orphans. Another girl said she was told that American families just wanted her to sell her or kill her or because one of their own children was sick and they needed her for her body parts. The attitude in Russia is that Americans are rich and wasteful. We throw old things away and buy new ones…why would it not be the same in regard to children?

I admit, after this Q & A session my heart ached. It aches just repeating all of that here. I was thankful for the break we took right after this session. I ran for the ladies room where I could finally release the sobs that had been building the whole time the kids talked about their experiences. I just can’t imagine living with that kind of shame. Or believing that I am not valuable or worthy of love. Especially as a child. It was in those moments that God confirmed to me that this will not be our last adoption. I knew it already. I told Jon back in December when we were discussing adopting Leanna that I thought we’d end up with 5 kids. Today I know we’ll adopt at least one more after Leanna. When we did our home study, we were told that we can have 2 people per bedroom…so technically we could adopt 2 more after Leanna. And our van already has 8 seatbelts…who knows? All I do know is that Leanna will not be it. Hearing these kids speak about their past, their present and their future was powerful. I know this sounds silly since each of you have been adopted by God and already know this, but God. Is. In. Adoption. Is He ever!

Jon and I were able to talk with the two girls from Leanna’s orphanage and ask them a few questions about her. I don’t feel at liberty to share everything, but one of the girls said that Leanna came from a ‘very bad family.’ She said it twice while we talked with her. A very bad family. She told us how and why Leanna came to the orphanage and all I can say is that God has had His hand on her. For a long time. He has been orchestrating things in Leanna’s life and our own to bring us all to this point at the same time. And I am so thankful. Thankful doesn’t even do it. I am overwhelmed with God’s love. For His grace and incredible mercy in Leanna’s life. For His plan and His timing. Leanna could be in a very different place right now.

Friends, I am so sorry for another long email. I told myself this one would be shorter. I have more to share about our training today, but I’ll let you digest this first. J I’ll leave you with a prayer request since that’s why you’re all getting this update. J Leanna is away at camp until right before she comes here. It is not the kind of camp we would pay to send our children to. It is not a safe and happy camp. Please pray for Leanna’s safety and protection while she’s at this camp near the Black Sea.

Those of you with children, go hug them and tell them you love them.

As always, we thank you for your continued prayer support.

Jon & Amy

Our summer with Leanna - Part One

There are so many thoughts swirling through my mind...so many blog posts in the making. It's been quite a summer...a roller coaster of sorts. Before I begin sharing my current thoughts, I thought I'd share some emails that I sent throughout the summer. One of the requirements for hosting Leanna was that we had to have a minimum of 10 prayer partners. We ended up with almost double that...we are so blessed.

Anyway, Leanna arrived on June 25 to spend 38 days with us. It seems like ages ago that she arrived. Here's the email I sent out on the evening of her arrival...

Hi friends,

Well, our girl has arrived safe and sound and is hopefully sleeping for the night. She is exhausted and has a cold but is in very good spirits. For those of you who weren’t at the airport, pictures are on Facebook. We waited about an hour and half for her to get through customs but it went by pretty quickly with all the great company to visit with. When the New Horizons gal finally said, ‘they’re on the train!’ my heart dropped. I was so nervous and excited…I really could’ve thrown up right about then. But we forged ahead to the escalators to wait for them to come up. When Leanna finally got off the escalator I saw her right away but she didn’t see us. I raised up both my arms and starting waving and yelling her name. When we finally locked eyes and she came running to me and hugged me all my nervousness was gone. It was just…right. She gave everyone hugs and it was like she had never left. Praise the Lord!!

We grabbed a pizza on the way home. She was so tired. She did eat a piece but I think she just wanted to go to bed even though I asked her and she said ‘no.’ We showed her her room and the clothes in her closet. I told her we’d try everything on tomorrow and whatever doesn’t fit or she doesn’t like, we’ll take back. I could tell she was relieved she didn’t have to do it tonight. Tomorrow is our shopping day. Please pray it goes smoothly.

Leanna smiled big when she saw her picture on the fridge. We put a few pictures of her and the kids (from January) in her room and she just walked around looking at them and smiling. I don’t think she’s noticed all of the pictures of her yet, but I was glad she smiled about the ones she saw.

We are SO thankful she’s home. I can’t even fathom sending her back on August 1. She was joking around with the kids before we even left the airport. She just BELONGS here. With us.

To those of you that were at the airport, thank you so much for being there and taking pictures.

I’m off to bed now…there’s no telling what tomorrow will bring!

Love, Amy