The Battle

Adoption is beautiful.

And redemptive.

Adoption is difficult.

And requires much prayer.

And sacrifice.

Adoption is joyful.

And sometimes sorrowful.

Adoption is a battle. Ephesians 6 tells us that our struggles are not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, authorities and powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil. I don't think I've ever seen this more clearly than in the world of orphans and adoption.

Last week was hard for me. I could feel the raging war. I could almost hear the ring of the swords as the battle was fought. Good vs. evil. God and His warriors against Satan and his legion of demons. It was very hard to accept that Satan seemed to be winning last week.

The story of Kirill and the judge denying his parents their petition to adopt him - simply because he has Down syndrome. The judge told this couple they should pursue a 'normal' child because there was nothing wrong with their dossier. This judge would not deny them if they petitioned for a 'normal' child. This judge denied Kirill a family...solely because he has Down syndrome. Kirill's family is appealing the judge's decision. Please pray that this decision is overturned and that Kirill can come home.

Another family took their first trip to Russia and had the lovely 8-doctor medical experience. The psychiatrist told them they should consider adopting a 'normal' child because a child with Down syndrome doesn't know the difference between being held and lying in a crib 24/7. This mother was much more gracious with her response than I would've been.

The story of Carrington...a beautiful 3 year old girl...who weighs 11 pounds. She was on the brink of death when her parents brought her home a week and a half ago. Carrington's family adopted 2 girls from the same orphanage. One girl was a favorite at the orphanage (like our Vera) and was well loved and taken care of. Carrington was not a favorite. She was not deemed worthy by her caretakers. Carrington was put in a 'laying' room. Where many children are left to lie in cribs...until they die. Some are tied down so they can't roll around and bang against their crib. Others are drugged to make them sleep most of the time and keep them quiet. Carrington is holding steady at 13 pounds. Please pray for her continued growth and strength. The doctors are trying to get her strong enough for surgery.

A loving mother of 3 kicked out of her apartment and FORCED by her government to choose which of her 3 children would go to an orphanage. Those of you with more than one child, how does a mother make that decision? I can't even imagine. Please pray for this mother. She has two months to get her daughter out of the orphanage before the government begins to terminate her parental rights. She has a new job lined up but is in need of an affordable babysitter for her other two children.

Airplanes, carrying people on their way to adoption related appointments, catching fire and having to turn around.

My precious Jonah had a family. Then he didn't.

A friend of mine, hoping to adopt a teenage boy she hosted over Christmas, was crushed when he told her he didn't want to be adopted.

Children dying while they wait for their families to come get them.

Delays in our own pursuit of adoption.

People whose family and friends have turned their backs on them. For adopting a special needs child. This confuses me greatly. Isn't adoption supposed to bring families together? In some cases, it is tearing families apart.

Can you sense the battle? It's pretty fierce, isn't it? There is a war raging for orphans. As I see the Church awakening to the call to care for the orphans, I also see the enemy preparing to defend his territory. How I pray that as the Church continues to open her eyes to the orphan crisis that she also prepares to fight. The Church must arm herself.

Last week I felt defeated. Knocked around. Beat up. Discouraged. Part of me felt like giving up. Not with the adoption, but with the fight. The exhausting, painful, never-ending fight. Last week I don't even how many times I prayed, "Come quickly, Lord. What are You waiting for?" I found myself longing for Home more and more. It became painfully obvious to me that I am a foreigner here. I don't understand this world or the injustices that go on daily, moment to moment. I am ready for the Kingdom of Heaven. Restoration. Redemption. Creation has been groaning and eagerly waiting to be set free from it's bondage and decay. Last week I joined creation's chorus of groans.

I spent some time in Romans 8. I find so much hope here. HOPE. That's what I was missing last week. Of course...hope.

I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. For the creation waits in eager expectation for the children of God to be revealed. For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the freedom and glory of the children of God.

We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption to sonship, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently. In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters. And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified.

What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. Who then is the one who condemns? No one. Christ Jesus who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?

As it is written: “For your sake we face death all day long;

we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.”

No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Romans 8:18 - 39

So now, my sleeves are up, the gloves are off. I am ready to get back in the ring and fight.

Who will join me?

A Tale of Two Agencies

So far, though it's only been about 10 days, I LOVE LOVE LOVE working with Reece's Rainbow for Vera's adoption. Now that I can make a comparison between 2 agencies...WOW! What a difference! I am not at all trying to say anything negative about the agency we used with Leanna's adoption. I really loved the lady we worked with...she was wonderful. And Jon and I both LOVED our facilitator in Russia. But I did often find myself frustrated. There seemed to be a lack of communication between the stateside agency and the in-country facilitators. When we took our first trip to Russia, we were told by our agency that jeans aren't appropriate and we should plan on dressing 'business-casual' every day. Well, I'm a jeans and sweatshirt kind of girl, so I didn't listen. I brought nice clothes for our meeting with the Social Committee and also for our medical visits (as I was told), but otherwise, I went against what our stateside agency advised. Upon arrival in St. Petersburg, our facilitator told us that the meeting with the Social Committee would be casual...we could wear jeans if we wanted. She also told us to dress very comfortably for our medical visits as we would undress and redress MANY times that day. I was SO GLAD I had not heeded the advice of our program director! I would've been REALLY upset if I had not packed comfortable clothes only to be told I could've/should've packed comfortable clothes. I could share several more examples, but do I really need to? The point is that I was frequently frustrated with lack of or wrong information with our former agency.

Anyway, Reece's Rainbow is not an agency, but they are facilitating our adoption of Vera. We got our dossier information last Friday. I could not believe my eyes. Not because of the amount of paperwork, but because it was all done! Our stateside dossier helper prepared everything we need. She even filled in our names, passport #'s, address, etc. on EVERYTHING! All we need to do is verify the information is correct, print everything and have it notarized and apostilled! Of course, there are a few things that require others...our employment verifications need to be redone, as do our proof of home ownership and medicals. But I cannot believe how much is already finished at this point. With our other agency, I was given a list of the required paperwork for our dossier. Whenever I asked what something needed to say I was either told to ask the lady who did our homestudy (which then caused her great frustration) OR find another family who had gone before us and copy their things. Seriously?! This worked for some of it, but what a pain. Then there were a few things that we had to RE-do and get RE-notarized and RE-apostilled because the wording was wrong! FRUSTRATING! Oh, I am so glad I will not have that problem this time! Reece's Rainbow even sent a 52 page handbook that is chock-full of information. It covers everything from information about the country to what paperwork we need when to foods we'll want to try to words we'll want to know to what to expect in court to the timeline of the process. I'm telling you, the handbook is a jewel! I laughed when I got to the part where it even gives instructions and examples on how to fill out certain forms. This would have been SO helpful months ago.

I will let Vera sum up how I feel about working with Reece's Rainbow.

Vera's Haven

Jon had to work all day today, so the kids and I worked on Vera's room. Vera's Haven as I now call it. In a way I've been dreading this. Changing the room from Leanna's to Vera's. But I am happy to report it was incredibly therapeutic. And so very fun! A friend of mine helped me paint the room yellow last summer before Leanna arrived. She asked me if I was going to paint it a different color for Vera and told me she's more than happy to help again. Well, the thought of painting the room again is not appealing to me. At all. But I did want to have lots of pink for our little princess. Everyone who has met Vera says she is very girly...loves purses and jewelry and crafts.

Oh, she will fit in here just fine!

I would bet that Vera's fans would love to see where she'll soon be sleeping and dreaming and playing and reading and...you get the idea. So, here is what we've done so far. I want to get a picture or something to put on that wall next to the window. We moved Abbi's little table into Vera's room (in the corner) and put Leanna's table in Abbi's room.

I wasn't sure about Leanna's black furniture in Vera's room, but I think it works okay.

The top dresser drawer is now full of Abbi's old dress up clothes.

We also came across some of Abbi's old Disney Princess things...

loud, obnoxious things that talk, light up and play music.

Mirrors and wands and dolls...and they still work.

Vera will love them. If she's not afraid of them.

See Toby looking out the window?

The dog and cat were very curious about what we were doing.

In and out, in and out they went.

Abbi wanted Leanna's bedding, so we just swapped them out.

I love the colors of the quilt with the yellow walls.

We put Abbi's Loving Family doll house and accessories in Vera's room.

I think she will LOVE it!

All we bought was the curtains and wall stickers.

There is also a bin under the bed FULL of Abbi's old Polly Pocket stuff.

So...maybe it does pay to be a hoarder.

This one is for Toby. He's smiling.

Intermingled

I feel there are a few things I need to share. I've been thinking on this for several days.

I hope beyond hope that no one thinks we have turned our backs on Leanna. I hope that no one thinks she is just out of our lives and minds and hearts. I hope that no one thinks that we have turned away from her and towards Vera. This is one of those things that until you've actually experienced it, you just don't know. You don't know how you'll react. You don't know what you'll think. You don't know how you'll feel. You don't know what you'll do. Until you've walked the adoption road or ridden the adoption roller coaster, you just don't know.

Some days I feel like a traitor. I feel like I am betraying Leanna. Vera already brings me so much joy...I can't explain it. That joy does not diminish my sadness over Leanna's decision. We miss Leanna. We love Leanna. She will always be our daughter and sister. When she signed the paper saying she does not want to be adopted, it was so...final. I wasn't sure what to call her room after that. It's been Leanna's room for over a year. I asked Jon's mom if she planned to sleep in Leanna's room and it just felt...wrong. It's not her room anymore. But it doesn't seem like Vera's room yet either. So what should we call it? Well, for now it's 'the yellow room.' That seems to work. For now.

I shared this on Facebook a few days ago. I want to make sure you all read it...

"We will never leave Leanna. She is ours and we are hers. That's that. She will always be our daughter and I pray we will always be Mom and Dad to her. The fact that we are moving forward with Vera does not change our love for Leanna. I do not believe that God is finished with Leanna. I firmly believe He still has BIG plans for her. I also believe we will see her again. Do not think for a second that just because God has redirected us, that we do not still ache for Leanna and miss her terribly. That does not go away. I know it may be hard for some to understand, but we are not turning our backs on Leanna. But at this point, it is done. We cannot change her mind. We cannot go there and make her come back with us. Though we are still grieving for her, we must move forward on the path God is leading us down. We are sad and happy all in one. We lost one daughter and gained a new one. It was like a funeral and birth in the same week. Grief and joy. Turmoil and peace. Intermingled. Just know that Leanna will always be ours."

A few things we know...Leanna is strong, both physically and mentally. She is stubborn. She is a fighter. She is smart (and she'll be the first one to tell you that!). Although we are very sad that she decided to stay in Russia, we know that these qualities will serve her well in the future. I left home when I was 16. Did you know that? I thought I knew it all. I was stubborn and wanted my own way. I did not like the rules that were presented to me. Although I was smart, I made a very bad decision. This may not make sense, but looking back, I know I made the right (though bad) decision in leaving home. Had I stayed, my family would have been miserable. I would've made life hell for everyone. I already was.

There are so many comparisons to Leanna and I. Not only do we share many of the same qualities, but she too will be on her own at 16. Perhaps God allowed her to spend last summer with us so that I know who she is. I know she is very much like me and I know she is a survivor. She will not let anything take her down. She will make it. I'm sure her life will not be a bed of roses, but I do have great hope for her. When I first left home I bounced around for awhile from one friend to another. I lived in a car. Then a tent. Then a hotel that charged $70 per week, if that tells you anything. For awhile I lived on bread and the peanut butter and jelly that come together in one jar. I still get sick to stomach when I see it on the shelf at the grocery store.

We had to write two letters this week. One for the Social Committee in St. Petersburg and one for the Court. We had to formally withdraw our petition to adopt Leanna 'due to her refusal.' If we didn't send the letters, it would jeapordize our agency being able to work in St. Pete. Well, we certainly don't want that on our consciences! I took the letters to the notary nazi's yesterday to get apostilled. I thought I was okay. I was fine on the drive there. But as I walked into the office, I felt it. That lump in my throat signaling tears were imminent. Usually there are two women who do the apostilling. Two women who always recognize me when I come. Well, yesterday there was one lone man to apostille my documents. He started off with a joke. "Why is that all you adoption people come in here with a glazed over look in your eyes?" He smiled as he said this. I did not. He looked down and read both of my letters. I was already starting to cry. He asked me if this meant they would never see me again. I said, "No," and down they came. Tears. Sobs. Ugly cry. In front of a total stranger. All this poor man could do was say, "Well, we're glad to hear that," and turned around and apostilled my letters. While I waited I tried to pull myself together. It took a few minutes and a few tissues, but I was able to write my check and get the heck out of there. I cried all the way to the van and most of the way home.

It is official. Really official. Leanna will never be an Evans. But she will ALWAYS be our daughter and sister.

All this to say, please do not think there is not pain with our joy. We are all still feeling the pain of Leanna's decision.

But we choose to focus on the hope and joy of Vera.

How do you save 147 million orphans?

ONE AT A TIME!

Jon and I have spent alot of time on the Reece's Rainbow website looking at all the children who desperately need families to come get them. Hundreds of photos. Thousands. Page after page after page. Jon finally stopped me one night and with tears in his eyes said, "There are just so many." Indeed. I have often wondered if we are really making a difference by adopting just one of the MILLIONS of orphans. One. Out of 147 million. 147,000,000. Seems like a grain of sand compared to the ocean bed. I never thought Leanna would be our only adoption, and I don't think Vera will be the last one either. But even with that...2 children? Out of MILLIONS?!

Since finding Vera, I have many, many new friends in blog-world. One of them posted this a few weeks ago and it made me cry. You may have read it before. I hadn't.

Once upon a time there was a wise man

who used to go to the ocean to do his writing.

He had a habit of walking on the

beach before he began his work.

One day he was walking along the shore.

As he looked down the beach, he saw a

human figure moving like a dancer.

He smiled to himself to think of someone

who would dance to the day.

So he began to walk faster to catch up.

As he got closer, he saw that it was a

young man and the young man wasn't

dancing, but instead he was reaching

down to the shore, picking up something

and very gently throwing it into the ocean.

As he got closer he called out,

"Good morning! What are you doing?"

The young man paused, looked up and replied,

"Throwing starfish in the ocean."

"I guess I should have asked,

why are you throwing starfish in the ocean?"

"The sun is up and the tide is going out.

And if I don't throw them in they'll die."

"But, young man, don't you realize that there are

miles and miles of beach and starfish all along it.

You can't possibly make a difference!"

The young man listened politely.

Then bent down, picked up another starfish

and threw it into the ocean, past the breaking waves and said -

"It made a difference for that one."

And we will make a difference for this one

Vera and Vika

Meet Vika

Over the past few days, several people have sent us pictures of Vera from different times. A few of those pictures included these from last summer.

Vera and Vika

Vika and Vera used to live in the same baby house together, but Vika has since been transferred. Last summer they traveled somewhere together to have surgery. Vera had surgery on her feet, while Vika had some sort of joint replacement. After seeing these photos, I prayed for Vika. I prayed that she had a family coming for her.

You will just love this!

I received an email yesterday from someone I don't know. She has followed Vera's story and has prayed for Vera's family (us!).

This person is adopting Vika!

This person lives VERY close to us!

Can you believe that?

Vera and Vika will soon be reunited HERE in Georgia!

Oh, I just LOVE this story God is writing!!

You can follow Vika's story here

http://4miraclesandcounting.blogspot.com/

Buckle Up!

Please make sure your seatbelts are securely fastened before continuing on our roller coaster. We are about to throw you for a loop. We are still dizzy ourselves. But in the VERY best way! I am about to share with you a story that only God could’ve written. I am just not creative enough to think of this on my own. Oh, how I pray you will read this with hearts open wide. My heart is so full…it overflows. How I pray you will KNOW that we are not making a hasty decision…because it may seem that way. How I pray you will KNOW we did not decide this out of grief or sadness over Leanna…because it may seem that way to some. Believe me when I say, we have questioned that ourselves. When this all began, I asked several out of state friends to pray specifically about what I am about to share. The last thing Jon and I want to do is make a decision based on emotions. The last thing we want to do is set ourselves and the kids (and all of you) up for another heartache. We have prayed and prayed and prayed about this this week and BELIEVE this is God’s plan. I pray you will believe it too.

So, let me share a little story with you.

I had thought about adoption for years before Jon was ready to talk about it. I never pushed him. Hardly ever brought it up. Except to God. Adoption is HUGE and I knew Jon and I needed to be in full agreement that we should do it. It wouldn’t work if I was all in and Jon was on the fence. Throughout all those years of waiting for Jon to get off the fence and jump in, there was always a picture in my head. I had looked at countless orphan websites and countless photos of available children over the years. I get weekly emails from many orphan/adoption ministries. In the fall of 2009 when Jon and I began discussing adoption seriously (before we met Leanna), the picture became a little clearer. Then we met Leanna and you know what happened with that. The picture never entered my mind again.

Until last week when Leanna began having doubts. The same picture from before started coming to me again. Even clearer.

On Monday, someone that I just recently became Facebook friends with posted a picture of a little girl.

IT WAS HER! The girl from the picture in my head. Without a doubt.

My heart stopped and I started sobbing. I NEVER DREAMED there was really a girl that would look like the picture in my head. With all those hours I spent looking at available children to adopt, I was never looking for the girl in my mental picture. I never imagined she was really out there. When Jon and I discussed her Monday night, he said it was freaking him out that I’ve had a picture of this girl in my head all these years. I said it was freaking ME out that there's actually a girl that looks like the picture in my head!

So, her name is Vera and she’ll be 6 in April. She is an orphan in Eastern Europe…been in an orphanage most, if not all of her life. Would you like to see her? She’s just the cutest thing EVER!

So…a little more to the story…

This week I kept asking God WHY He provided all that money a few weeks ago for Leanna’s adoption just to end it like this? It just did not make sense. Remember when I said the only logical conclusion we could come to was that there must be someone else that we’re supposed to adopt? Well, we now have most, if not all, of the money we would need to adopt Vera. In addition to the $16,500 that our agency is refunding to us, there is also a grant for whoever adopts Vera for over $5,000. And get this…there are people RIGHT HERE in the Buford/Sugar Hill/Flowery Branch area, that have been advocating for Vera since the fall of 2009…when Jon and I began discussing adoption. And with all of the websites I’ve been on and all of the photos I’ve looked at, I never saw Vera…until Monday. Coincidence?

We also learned that someone was already in the process to adopt Vera along with two little boys…from what I understand they were actually there, in Europe to complete the adoption. All we know is that they had a family emergency and had to go home and end the adoption process. About the same time that God provided our $16,500, Vera lost her family. Coincidence?

Jon and I discussed adopting Vera on Monday night. Like I said before, we do NOT want to make a hasty decision. Although the picture in my head was evidence enough for me, we knew we could not/should not base our decision on that alone. Tuesday morning Jon dreamed about Vera. He woke up with one thought…we need to go get Vera. Coincidence?

There were a few families interested in adopting Vera and had asked for more information about her. I emailed each family this week and asked about their intentions. My thought was, if anyone is already going after her, there is our answer. Every family emailed me back and said that for various reasons, Vera is not the one for them. I emailed the lady from the website that Vera’s information is posted on and asked the same thing. No one is pursuing Vera. Coincidence?

We have put together a few other things this week that just cannot be coincidences. I don’t believe in coincidences anyway…but if we had not met Leanna, we would not have known about New Horizons. If I had not known about New Horizons, I would not get their Facebook updates. If I did not get their Facebook updates, I never would’ve seen my friend’s comment on one of their posts and said, “Is that the Pam I know?” and become Facebook friends with her. If I had not become Facebook friends with Pam just two months ago, I would not have seen Vera’s photo on Monday…the same day Leanna signed the paper saying she does not want to be adopted. AND…if we had not begun the adoption process last year, we would not be homestudy ready today. And that is a big factor in this. Whoever goes to get Vera needs to act quickly. She is about to be transferred to a mental institution where she would simply rot away because…

Vera has Cerebral Palsy.

Yep. CP. A special needs child. We were NOT thinking about adopting a special needs child. That was the furthest thing from our minds. I mean, US? Special needs? Really? US??? It brings new meaning to our adoption verse…’you would not believe even if you were told.’ Uh…yeah. We would NOT have believed this!

Okay, I know you are likely reeling in your seat. Truthfully, my head is spinning as I write this all out. There are more ‘coincidences’ that I haven’t even shared. It’s like there’s a big flashing, neon sign saying SHE’S THE ONE! I hope I am not the only one who sees it. I will tell you that I have been emailing with several people who have met Vera through adopting their own children with CP. Vera’s CP seems to be mild (whatever that means). Someone watched her climb two flights of stairs holding onto the rail, which is a great indicator of her potential. Speech delays are common with CP…Vera speaks Russian and none of her caregivers seem to have trouble understanding her. Though it could be that they’re just used to her speech. She has hip displasia and will likely need a routine surgery for it. If she has the right resources and therapies, her prognosis seems to be GREAT! I have been in touch with several people who have adopted children with CP and they have given me some great information and things we should be asking and looking for. I contacted the lady who did our homestudy for us and she herself has a daughter from Ukraine who has CP. We knew her daughter was from Ukraine, but didn’t know she has CP. She told me that her daughter is now in high school, on the honor roll and you would never know she has a disability. She gave me the name of the best doctor here in Atlanta, and I will not be surprised to see his name on our list of approved doctors with our insurance. I was also told that because we have so much done already, Vera should be home by June!!

You can read more about Vera here http://reecesrainbow.org/vera19 and here http://iknowyouroutthereimjustwaiting.blogspot.com/.

So, all of this being said, we do still have questions. Although God has provided EVERY SINGLE DIME we have needed so far, why have we spent $17,000 just to take this turn? We do not know. We may never know. But we can look back at many things now and say, “So that’s why that happened.” And the timing with Vera just seems to line up perfectly. But why is God forcing us to make this decision so quickly? Vera’s time in the orphanage is short. She should have been transferred to the mental institution when she turned 5. She wasn’t. Could it be that God does not want us to have too much time to think? We could so easily sit back and say, “You know…this experience with Leanna is just too painful. Do we really want to take another risk? Do we really want to open ourselves up for MORE pain and MORE heartache? (And MORE paperwork?!)” Too much time to think could lead us to giving in to our fleshly fears and emotions. Saying ‘no’ to Vera would be understandable. But God just keeps forcing us to rely on Him. There are many more things that I haven’t shared that give us complete confidence that this was God’s plan all along. I really do need to write a book.

This week we have prayed for one thing – that God would CLEARLY light the path we are to walk down next. Only one path is being lit and it’s the path to Vera. I know you may be thinking, “Oh, I hope they know what they’re doing.” Well, we don’t, really. We’re just following after God as closely as we can. It’s definitely not always easy, but what an awesome adventure! I hope you’re excited to be on this adventure with us! We love you all and appreciate any and all prayers.