Turning a Corner

It's easy for me to get lost in the frustrations of being Vera's mommy. It's easy for me to get caught up in the constant attention she requires. It's easy for me to become jealous that if Vera has the choice between Jon and I, she'll always choose Jon. It's easy for me to feel sorry for myself and long for my old, easy life. The life I knew how to live. The life that required little effort from me most days. The life that allowed me to be self-centered, lazy and apathetic.

When Vera argues or cries or gets into everything or has tantrums, it's hard for me to remember where she came from. It's hard to remember that Vera had nothing. It's hard to remember in the heat of the moment that she was abandoned by her birth mother. It's hard to remember that Vera was born in a country that does not cater to disabled people or those with special needs. It's hard to remember that Vera was an orphan for 6 years. Who knows how many caretakers she's had. She spent 3 months in the hospital after she was born. How many nurses came and went in those 3 months? Vera lived in her orphanage for 6 years. She would've started in the baby room...how many nannies took care of her? At some point she was probably moved to an older baby/toddler room. She would've had a new group of nannies taking care of her. How many times did she switch rooms and groups during her 6 years at the baby home? How many women have been 'mama' to Vera?

It's not always easy for me to have compassion for Vera. Most days, my patience is in very short supply. I'm constantly praying for MORE compassion and MORE patience.

God granted my request in a way I was dreading. He sent Jon out of town. For 3 days.

I was dreading this trip. Dreading. It.

No back up. For 3 days.

No relief at the end of the day. For 3 days.

Woe is me.

Woe is Vera.

Trouble started at 7:40 last night. Vera wanted Jon to help her brush her teeth. I reminded her that Daddy went bye bye that morning and he couldn't help her. She begged. "Please. Daddy, teeth." She cried. We tried to call Jon but he was driving through mountains in a thunderstorm and didn't have reception. He was trying to call us at the same time we were trying to call him. Vera sobbed all through brushing teeth. I was going to just skip it, but she insisted. She cried going potty. She cried drinking her bedtime water. She didn't want big hugs from the kids. We rocked for a bit and then I carried her off to bed and laid her down. She cried. She sobbed. She begged for Daddy. "Daddy, please. Loobaloo (her version of I love you). Please, Daddy. Loobaloo. Pleeeeeeaaasse. Daddy, please." Oh. Break. My. Heart. It went on for over an hour. If any of you had witnessed it, I know you would've been crying too. Jon's heart hurt when I told him how bedtime went. We knew it was too soon for him to be gone, but he didn't have a choice.

It was in those long moments of hearing Vera's uncontrollable sobs and begging for Daddy that compassion came. In full force. I was reminded of her past. I was reminded of her abandonment. I was reminded of her life at the orphanage. My poor girl. Did she think Jon had left her too? Along with her birthmother? Along with all the families that had come for her and left?

Vera woke up very early today wandering the house. She was looking for Jon. She cried and begged for Daddy some more. I made her lay back down and I stayed with her. She never went back to sleep, but she did calm down. We got up an hour and a half later and had a mostly good day. Though I was preparing myself all day for a very long night. I figured the 2nd night was going to be much worse than the first. Especially since this afternoon I had to break the news to Vera that not only is Daddy gone, but Abbi too would leave for the night. Abbi went to a slumber party tonight. Vera noticed that Abbi's toothbrush was missing. Where was it? I explained that Abbi was going to a friend's house to sleep and she had to bring her toothbrush with her. I showed her a picture of Abbi's friend. I told Vera that in the morning after breakfast, we'll go get Abbi and bring her home. Vera stuck out her bottom lip and cried. "No Abbi bye bye. No Abbi bye bye." She asked if Jacob was leaving too. And what about Caleb? Is he going bye bye? And then she asked me with tears on her face

Is Mommy going bye bye too?

No, baby, Mommy is not leaving. Mommy is staying with Vera.

Sigh.

WE know we will never leave Vera. But does SHE know that? And if she doesn't know that yet, how long will it take?

After Vera's long, sad bedtime last night, I asked the Vera's Journey Home group to pray for her. Many people did. And many people offered up suggestions about how to help Vera with Jon's absence. We'll definitely be better prepared next time (which hopefully won't be for several months)! Even though I knew people were praying, I was still anticipating a very long, hard night with Vera.

Oh me of little faith. Shame on me!

She was a champ! She brushed teeth, went potty, got her drink, gave the boys hugs...all with a smile on her sweet little face. I was still bracing myself. We went to her room and got PJ's on. We hugged and kissed and I laid her down. I turned out the light and laid on the floor next to her bed. I waited for the crying to begin. I waited for her to cry for Daddy. She didn't. Vera swayed for just a few minutes, rolled onto her side and went to sleep. Just like that. No jerking, no kicking. (Last night was very violent in that regard.) Just peaceful sleep in a matter of minutes. I always know when she's asleep because I can't hear her sucking her fingers. I checked on her after 10 minutes of silence and her hand was laying in front of her mouth. She was out. I was amazed. She has not gone to sleep that peacefully in the 5 weeks that we've had her. I laid back down on the pillow and cried out thanks to God. He is so faithful. He is so loving. He is so compassionate. He heard all those prayers for Vera and He answered abundantly. He is truly with Vera tonight. His presence was there as my tears fell into her hair as I kissed her forehead and pulled the blanket up around her.

Even though I wish Jon didn't have to leave so soon after bringing Vera home, I am thankful. I am thankful that Vera is obviously attached to Jon. I am thankful that when he was asked to leave for TWO WEEKS, including the weekend in between weeks, Jon said NO WAY, no how, ain't gonna happen. This 3 day trip was the compromise. I am thankful that Jon's time away has allowed more bonding to happen between Vera and I. We turned a corner while Jon has been gone. She has spent much more time relaxing in my lap. She has let me be much more affectionate with her. She has let me comfort her in her sadness. I am thankful for renewed compassion for Vera. I needed these reminders. When my compassion is lacking, God has an ocean of it for me to swim in. When my patience fails, God's patience is perfect and He wants to share it with me.

I am especially thankful for the many people who have prayed for Vera. I hope you will continue to pray for her tomorrow. God obviously wants to answer! We still have one more day and night to get through before Jon returns. And now I'm looking forward to seeing what God will do in Vera's life tomorrow!