(I had started this blog post back on April 20, but couldn't figure out how to end it. At this point, I'm sure you all know that Russia has not suspended adoptions. I need to get blogging about Jacob's 13 birthday, so I need to publish this one...)
To say I was devastated would be an understatement. I completely lost it. I was sitting in front of the computer having a meltdown when Jon called. The kids were downstairs oblivious that my life had just turned upside down. Abbi always answers the phone when Jon calls and while she chatted with him I tried to pull myself together. I got on the upstairs phone and let Jon and Abbi finish their conversation. Jon was about to hang up when I let him know I was there. I made sure Abbi had hung up and then I tried to relay to Jon what all the news reports were saying. By this time I probably had 8 different windows opened on the computer, each with a different article. Well, I couldn't even talk through my sobs. I tried to tell Jon that Russia was probably going to suspend adoptions. There was a pause...either Jon was trying to figure out what I had just said or he was in shock and just didn't know what to say. Thankfully, he was on his way home...early for a change. I think God knew Jon would be needed at home at that time. We talked for a little bit and Jon just kept saying, "What is God doing?" over and over. In the middle of our conversation, I noticed that the bar on my Facebook tab was flashing...someone was trying to chat with me. It was a longtime friend in Arkansas. I quickly typed that I was talking to Jon on the phone so she knew I wasn't ignoring her. When Jon and I hung up she and I had a little 'chat.' She reminded me that God is in control. She told me she would pray. I am so thankful that she was online that day at that time. She kept me from sinking deeper into the pit of despair that I was in.
Jon got home and we cried. What did all this mean? What would we do now? What about Leanna? How would we get her home? How long would the suspension last? Could she still come this summer? As we talked, I calmed down. Jon held me for a good, long while and then we realized we were starving. My intent had been to check email real fast and then go make dinner. Instead, I had been melting down. Jon decided to take us out to eat. Comfort food was what I needed. So off to Steak N Shake we went for a Pepperjack Melt and fries, which is really just a heart-attack-waiting-to-happen on a plate. Jon even let me get a milkshake, which was quite a splurge. These days our frugality has taken on a whole new meaning since every spare penny is going into our adoption fund. But that $3 milkshake sure hit the spot. We got home and Jon put a movie on for all of us. Well, I was in no condition to concentrate on a movie, so I got out my Bible and turned to Psalms. Is there a better book to go to when we're in despair? Psalm 57 is where I ended up...here is some of it:
Be merciful to me, O God, be merciful to me,
for in you my soul takes refuge;
in the shadow of your wings I will take refuge,
till the storms of destruction pass by.
I cry out to God Most High,
to God who fulfills his purpose for me.
He will send from heaven and save me;
God will send out his steadfast love and his faithfulness!
Be exalted, O God, above the heavens!
Let your glory be over all the earth!
My heart is steadfast, O God,
my heart is steadfast!
I will sing and make melody!
Awake, my glory!
I will give thanks to you, O Lord, among the peoples;
I will sing praises to you among the nations.
For your steadfast love is great to the heavens,
your faithfulness to the clouds.
Be exalted, O God, above the heavens!
Let your glory be over all the earth!
I really didn't know what else to do except cry out to God. My heart didn't feel steadfast, but I sure wanted it to. I didn't feel like singing and making melody. I'll be perfectly honest...it was not easy in those moments to give thanks to the Lord. But I wanted to. I wanted to be thankful. I still had so much to be thankful for.
The weekend that followed was especially difficult. I had another small meltdown Saturday morning and another one that afternoon with some good friends. I was so full of fear that we had lost Leanna. So scared that the US and Russia would never be able to hammer out an agreement to keep adoptions open. Russia wants the right to prosecute American parents who abuse their children adopted from Russia. I don't believe the US will ever agree to this. And I don't think they should. The US wants Russia to ratify the Hague Convention, which would mean Russia would have to overhaul their orphan care. It would be costly and time consuming. It took the US 14 years to ratify the Hague Convention. 14 years. 14 YEARS. If Leanna is still alive in 14 years, she'll be 28 years old.
The statistics on Russian orphans are not good...(not that they're good in any other country)
Did you know:
That after the age of 5, a child only has a 5% chance of being adopted?
That at 16 they 'age out' and cannot be adopted?
That at 17 they are put on the streets?
That by 18, 10% have committed suicide?
That only 27% find a job (menial work)?
That 70% of boys turn to crime?
That 60% of the girls will prostitute?
That 3 out of 5 won’t live past 23 years old?
There are an estimated 4 million street children in Russia in addition to 750,000 orphans. There are more orphans and street children in Russia now than there were in the aftermath of WWII. In St. Petersburg alone, where Leanna lives, there are 122 orphanages with about 100 kids in each one. And there are only 6 private shelters that house about 25 street children each.
Ever since we started this process to adopt Leanna, I have been putting different scriptures on post-it notes and putting them...everywhere. My bathroom mirror, the pantry door, cupboard doors, the laundry room, etc. Anywhere I will see them on a regular basis to remind myself that God is the One who brought us to this decision.
"And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28
"God is not man, that He should lie, nor a son of man, that He should change His mind. Does He speak and then not act? Does He promise and not fulfill?" Numbers 23:19 Why would God lay it on our hearts that Leanna is our daughter and not bring it to fruition? He doesn't change His mind.
"I have spoken it, I will bring it to pass; I have purposed it, I will also do it." Isaiah 46:11b He spoke so clearly to Jon and I that His will is for us to adopt Leanna...He spoke it to us, He will also bring it to pass. He purposed it and He will do it.
"I have raised you up for this very purpose, that I might show you my power and that my name might be proclaimed in all the earth." Exodus 9:16
"Look at the nations and watch— and be utterly amazed. For I am going to do something in your days that you would not believe, even if you were told." Habakkuk 1:5
Although I still hadn't slept much since Russia threatened to suspend adoptions, each day that week was a little easier to get through. I was constantly repeating these verses to myself. Constantly praying. Reminding myself that God is in control. He would work this all out. He is trustworthy. Leanna would come home. There was still hope that Russia would decide not to suspend. Monday we had band, Tuesday our co-op had field day which was a wonderful distraction. I was also getting ready for our HUGE yard sale fundraiser that was to be the following weekend. By Wednesday, my hope had been renewed. I went to bed totally excited because I just had this wonderful feeling that God was about to do something BIG.
I woke up Thursday, April 15, another day I will not soon forget. I made my coffee and turned on Jon's computer. I went to the Yahoo website to log into my email. And there it was. A news article, front and center that read, "Russia suspends all adoptions to US families." I thought, "Well, this is big, God, but not exactly what I was hoping for."
My heart broke. It had happened. Adoptions were suspended indefinitely. What now?
I spent the morning crying and praying. I was supposed to meet someone to pick up another yard sale donation so I pulled myself together and took a shower. I left the kids here to do school work while I went to get the donation. I needed a few minutes to myself before I broke the news to the kids. On the way to meet my friend an Amy Grant song came on the radio. I had not heard it before and haven't heard it since, but I fell apart listening to the lyrics. Here is the chorus...
We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a hallelujah sometimes
Can you imagine what a mess I was listening to this song?! Thankfully, I was a little early to meet my friend and she was a little late so I had a few minutes to pull myself together before she arrived.
By the time I got home I was...depressed, distressed, exhausted, and utterly hopeless. Plus I had a sinus infection that decided to rear it's ugly head that day. I felt all around rotten. Physically and emotionally. I didn't care about anything. All I wanted to do was go back to bed. I was done. But God, in His mercy, had other plans. I arrived home to find a message from a friend who is also adopting from St. Petersburg. She said the news article that I had posted on Facebook was wrong. Russia did not suspend adoptions, although the possibility was still there. There was also an email waiting for me from another friend saying the same thing. The news article I had read that morning had reported false information...
To be continued...in the meantime, here's the Better Than a Hallelujah song.
Thank you for sharing your heart with us and for your sweet transparency. God is so in control and nothing is impossible with God. This is just one more opportunity for Him to show Himself faithful.
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